Backwards facing Forward

This has been a horribly lonely week for me.  Actually I have been lonely since we got back from Colorado.  Making that drive this time was almost as hard as it was last year when we moved here.  I was still without Mel, and I am still very lonely for him.

This week our little poodle/terrier mix dog Zoie died.  I had put Zoie and Sugar on leashes in the kitchen with a blanket for them to sleep on.  I have left them in the kitchen like this before.  Sometime during the night they became so entangled in the leashes that Zoie was strangled and Sugar had the leashes wound so tightly around her right hind leg so tightly that I thought she might lose the leg.  I had to use Cutco garden shears to cut the leashes apart to get them off the dogs, that's how tight they were.  I could not believe Zoie was dead.  I was so mad at myself for leaving them in the kitchen.  Luckily Sugar's leg has improved to where she is now using it.  I called Lois that morning to tell her what had happened.  The kids were still asleep, and I didn't want them to wake up to see Zoie dead on the kitchen floor.  Soon there was a knock on the back door, and it was Lois.  She had come and dug a grave for Zoie behind the garage.  I wrapped her in one of Nicole's baby blankets, and Lois took her out and buried her.  I was so grateful for this act of kindness.  It reminded me of the time I was staying with Lois and her black lab Maggie got hit by a car and died while Lois was in town.  I dug her grave and buried her for Lois before she had to see what she looked like.  I was so comforted by this single act of love and kindness. 

I went to the doctor this week for my yearly physical.  Seeing her made me realize how much better I feel daily than I did when I first saw her several months ago.  She said she could see a vast improvement in my demeanor, so why do I still feel to crappy.

I have suffered from depression for most of my adult life (and probably before then). I had taken antidepressants for years, but quit taking them a year or so before I met Mel.  I did fine off of them until Mel's cancer was diagnosed.  My doctor had to put me on two different antidepressants to manage my depression and to help me try to function in the war zone called cancer.  Of course, when Mel died my depression increased lots, or I think it did.  Sometimes I think it was just the grief that made me feel so much more depressed.  There were many times over the past year without Mel that I have thought about taking my own life.  I had always thought this was such a selfish act, but I can now see why people resort to suicide.  It scares me to know that I have been that close to making that decision, and I thank God for my kids and my faith and His guidance because those are the things that have kept me from doing the unthinkable.  It's also a hard thing to admit.  There were days I felt so bad that I couldn't believe I was alive.  I didn't think it was possible to feel so horrible and still be alive and breathing.  I can't say functioning because there were many days when I could not function.  I wish people understood more about grief, but I realize now that knowledge only comes with experience, experience no one wants to list on their resume of life. 

So where do I go from here? I thought I was doing so well, and now I've been knocked down again, only not so far down as before.  I guess I keep facing forward even when I feel like I am moving backward.  That's why I pray and thank God for the things I have learned this past year or so.

This is a picture of my mom, Nicole and Zoie the day we brought Zoie home.

Modesty

When did it become so appropriate for people to flaunt their bodies everywhere they go with little thought of what that says about them?  Yesterday in Spokane the kids and I drove by a coffee shop.  There was a very scantily clad young "lady" out in front with either a very bright red bra or a very skimpy bright red bikini top and the shortest pair of jean shorts possible, and she was standing on the sidewalk flagging people down for business.  Made me wonder if it's really just a "coffee house".

I see it everywhere I go.  Young girls dressed in clothing that is so inappropriate I wonder what is wrong with their parents that they will pay for their girls to dress in this kind of crap.  I also wonder about the boys who walk around with their jeans falling off to show off their underwear.  I heard that trend started in jail because when you go to jail they take your belt away from you so you don't use it to hurt yourself or others.  I guess I have just never been interested in dressing like a jail inmate.

It also is very hard to buy clothes that are modest and what I consider to be appropriate for Nicole to wear.  The new jeans are cut so that they ride so low on the waist that when the girls bend over you see their butt crack.  I thought that was reserved for plumbers.  I finally had to buy Nicole some half t-shirts that fit around her waist and hang down under her shirts so she can cover up her crack.  I just don't understand why that should be a feature in clothing.

Then there are the "bootie shorts" I see girls wearing.  They even wear them to school here.  I especially dislike the ones that have words across the butts of them. My dad would have never let me out the door looking the way some girls dress.  I also can't believe that the school doesn't have a stricter dress code or at least enforce the one they have.  Some of the girls even wear their slippers to school.  I guess Wal-Mart isn't the only place you can go to look at embarrassing wardrobes people choose.

Earlier this year Nicole quit dance class because of some of the costumes that were chosen for the girls to dance in.  When they had a rehearsal and were supposed to bring all of the items they were supposed to wear and change into for each dance, she was told that her shorts were not short enough and that her shirt was not tight enough.  It's pretty sad (to me at least) that an instructor of any sort would want to have students wear costumes that are so revealing.  After all they are only schoolgirls.  Then there was the number where they had T-shirts to write on that said sexy and I know it that were worn under zipped up hoodies until the end of the number when they unzipped the hoodies to reveal their shirts.  I was proud that Nicole refused to be a part of this class and felt comfortable enough and confident enough about herself to just quit and say this is not for me.

I don't expect a lot of people to agree with me, but it is an instruction in the bible to not clothe yourself in a way so as to attract unwanted attention.  The bible instructs that our focus should be on God and not on the effect we can have on others by showing ourselves scantily clad to them.  I feel it is very harmful for the young girls of today to have this kind of image. I think they need to be taught and know that they are worth so much more than what they wear.  They need to know that it is not necessary to show so much skin that they are found to be attractive by "the other sex".  I also think it is harmful for our young men to look at these girls every day.  Boys are so stimulated by things visual that these images stay with them forever.  There is a Sunday school song the kids in the nursery sing that says:

"Be careful little eyes what you see, by careful little ears what you hear, be careful little mouth what you say, be careful little hands what you do because the Father up above is looking down in love, so be careful little eyes what you see, by careful little ears what you hear, be careful little mouth what you say, be careful little hands what you do."

I want Nicole and Daniel to know that who they are is not defined by how they dress or by how others perceive them to be.  All children should know that they were created by God exactly the way they are, and it doesn't matter what other people or society sees when they look at them.  I want them to know that they don't need to expose their bodies to get attention from anyone for anything.

Another Move

The kids and I recently returned to Washington after spending the month of June in Pueblo, Colorado.  We had a wonderful time visiting all our friends and staying with my parents.  We also had the pleasure of attending the wedding of one of my favorite cousins, Diana (Annie).  It was a wonderful day for them, and though it was a bit hard for me to be at a wedding (the first since I lost Mel), it was a moving experience for me to witness what God has done in my family over the course of the last 30+ years.  My brother, cousin, and I used to be quite the partiers.  Since then we have all committed our lives to Jesus Christ, and my brother actually performed the marriage ceremony.  It was a proud moment for me to witness him doing this.  He also joked that when it was time to ask for objections, he would have to be the one to object because Diana and Andy (my brother) always said they were going to marry each other.

During this trip home I also experienced sadness at seeing how old my parents are getting.  You never think of that growing up, but one day you look at them and realize they are getting more frail and more forgetful and more tired, and the list goes on.  My mom has lost a lot of weight and is very shaky at times.  My dad is stiff with arthritis from all the hard labor he has done over the years.  I looked at them and and knew I had to go back to Colorado.  The biggest reason is that I don't want my kids to lose the time they have left on this earth to be together, and I have such a feeling of gratitude to them for what they have helped me endure over the past few years.  They were my rock and security dealing with Mel's diagnosis, his surgery, all the trips to Denver and ultimately his death.  They would never expect this of me or ask me to pick up and move to help care for them in their later years, but I feel like it would be an honor for me to care for them, and it will also help teach my kids that family is important and you care for them when they are unable to care for themselves.  All this being said, we will be putting our home in Odessa on the market, and when it sells we will be moving back to Colorado, and we are praying for a quick sale. It will be a bittersweet move just like the move me made to come to Washington.  I will miss my family here and all the wonderful friends I have made who have helped me to heal and who have loved us so much this past year.