Three years ago today we received the news we had feared the most. We found out that Mel had kidney cancer, a very rare form of it, and it was already stage IV. I guess I've come a long way since that day. I've come from being curled up in a ball, on a cold hard linoleum floor in the doctor's office, sobbing into my cell phone telling my sister the news. At least now I am upright at my computer and not lying on a filthy bathroom floor.
I remember being scared to death. I remember telling Mel that our lives would never be the same again. I'm still scared, and our lives have changed. Mel lives in heaven now, and now I am a single mother and a widow. I remember the look on Nicole's precious face when we told her how sick her daddy was, and I also remember the look of amazement and utter shock on her face just a day and a half before the end of Mel's life on earth when she said "Mommy maybe this is the way God is going to heal daddy, by taking him to heaven with him". I remember being happy that she could look at it that way, when all I could do was scream inside my head "don't you dare take him from me God".
I remember a few days after Mel's memorial service and Daniel stamping his little baby foot and yelling at me "I don't care where my daddy is, I want him back right now". One of my fears was that Daniel would never remember his daddy. The other day we were driving down the road, and Daniel started yelling "mommy, mommy turn here. I remember going to that place with Daddy, and we had so much fun". It was Burger King, but Praise God Daniel remembered.
I remember how scary it was taking care of Mel, especially as his cancer advanced. I remember setting my alarm to go off every two hours 24/7 to give him pain medication so he wouldn't be in needless pain. I remember stopping at a store on our way to the hospital in Denver to get plastic bags for him to vomit in. The man gave me a whole rack full so we would always have them in the car. I remember having to take care of Daniel, and Nicole would have to step in and help Mel. I can still see her holding a bucket for him to vomit in, and she would have her head turned the other way having dry heaves. We both learned how easy it is to do the terribly hard things you have to do to care for someone you love so much. A day never ended that Mel didn't tell us how much he loved us and thanked us for taking care of him. He was so humble and full of grace even then. I remember it made me love him more than I ever had.
I remember the surgeon telling us what a success his surgery was, and that she was sure she had gotten the cancer, only to learn six weeks later that wasn't the case. In fact the cancer had been found in other areas and organs of his body. I remember the betrayal I felt, and I was so angry at that surgeon for telling us what she had. I wrote her a letter about a year after Mel died expressing this to her. To my surprise she answered me back and apologized for having hurt me like that, and that she was going to reevaluate the way she presented news to patients and their families. I felt validated. She is, in fact, a very skillful and extremely competent surgeon.
I remember Daniel napping with Mel every day. It was so precious for me to watch the two of them resting together so peacefully and Daniel feeling so loved by his daddy. Then they would play trucks, sometimes in bed if Mel was too sick or weak to get up.
I remember Mel's son (my stepson) Aaron coming and sitting with Mel every evening before he went to work. I felt safe with Aaron there with me. This was the last week of Mel's life, and I was so frightened every day seeing Mel decline further. When Aaron went to work my friend Deanna came to be with me. Now I have such a love and devotion to Aaron and his wife Tina and our precious granddaughters, Megan and Peyton, and my love for Deanna has grown too.
I remember feeling like I would never smile or laugh again. I remember feeling like I lived in a black cloud. I remember feeling so hopeless, so helpless, but having all the faith in the world that God would heal Mel. Now I can see that God did heal Mel, and He is still healing me. And guess what I can laugh now, sometimes until I cry.
So three years later, I can start to see the little and big miracles that have happened since July 22, 2009. I am blessed to be a mother to Nicole and Daniel, and I am so blessed to have been loved by my Mel. There was never a time in our 14 years together that I didn't know that he loved me and treasured me and all that we had together. Some people never have that at all, so I try to be really thankful that I was lucky enough to have it all.
Nicole was almost 11 and Daniel nearly 3 when we lost Mel. This year Nicole will be a freshman at Swallows Charter Academy, and Daniel will be in kindergarten at PSAS. Such changes in their lives. I still think it's unfair they have to grow up without their daddy. They have grown so much. I don't know what I will do with all the time I'm going to have free while they are gone.
My church has asked me to work with another lady in leading a GriefShare group. I have attended this 12 week group twice. I feel honored that other people think I can be a help to others who are grieving. I had been praying for God to show me a way to help others to go through what I've gone through. As the old childhood taunt says "it takes one to know one". I really feel like in helping others something good can come out of losing Mel, and I know he would be proud of me.
Thank you God for all Your blessings and for loving me even when I held hatred in my heart towards You. I love you Father for taking care of me and showing me every day that You are there for my little family, and because of You I will see my precious Mel again. What a gift, what a God!!
