Today is a cold fall day. The changing of the seasons, the cycle of life moving through its changes. Time passes like it always has and always will until it is no more. I still long for the rapture and life on the New Earth that God has promised His believers.
I used to be so afraid of changes, or rather changing anything from the way it was when Mel was alive, but I now have purple highlighted hair, and I love it. I have also lost about 50 pounds since moving home. So changing, I am. I used to feel like I couldn't change anything or it would be a betrayal of Mel's memory or that I was moving on, leaving him in my past. Of course I have to move on, like it or not, and I know Mel would want me to, but I know that Mel will always be a huge part of my life. I don't have to lose that just because I lost him. My life has been forever changed, but I am learning to adjust to those changes. I know now that there are questions that I have that will probably never get answered until I meet Jesus. Probably then it won't matter anyway, for the bible says the things of this life will pass away. I still have to admit that the first person I want to see in heaven is Mel, so I hope Jesus lets him stand right next to Him so I can see them both at the same time. I can now see that as much as I love Mel, God loves him even more, but God loves me that much too. I no longer see Mel's moving to heaven as a punishment upon me from God. Most of the time I can see what a blessing it was for Mel, but my earthly selfishness still wishes he was with our family. I will never not miss him, and that's okay. He was the most important person in my life.
The past few weeks have been especially happy for me. I feel God's presence in my life again and hear Him answering my prayers. My life is so much "lighter" now, not so filled with pervasive darkness. My kids help keep me grounded, and they certainly make me laugh. They are growing up so fast. Mel would be so proud of them. They are both so smart and funny. They both have a lot of Mel in them. Their sense of humor, their compassion and love for others and their tender hearts.
I am getting ready to start leading GriefShare, and I am so excited that God has called me to this ministry. I feel like if I can help other hurting people, then Mel's death will have meant something good. I pray that God gives me the wisdom and the knowledge that I am going to need to lead this group. I can't wait to meet the new people He will be bringing into my life. I know that some of them will be lifelong friends, and that I will probably never forget any of them or their stories. I do know that a miracle of healing can take place in a room full of hurting people. Maybe someone will be led to give their life to Christ during the 13 weeks that we meet and pray together.
My life is good. I still get lonely for the intimate companionship that I had with Mel. I miss his gentleness, his kindness, his teasing, his laughter and his love. I miss looking in his eyes and seeing his love for me reflected in them, but I know now that I am going to live without him right here. The only way to heal from loss is to walk right through the crashing, dark waves of grief that come wave after wave after wave and at times seem unrelenting. I know that dark days do turn into days of light, that tears can turn to laughter. I also know that the crashing waves of grief can still strike at any time and usually without warning. I know that I will always have days that are dark with grief and missing Mel and longing for him, but now I know that they don't last forever, the light will shine again and I will be happy again. I still wish I was part of a "couple", that is the hardest part of my path to accept, that I am not married. It still just takes my breath away that one minute I was a wife, and then with the exhaling of Mel's last breath I became a widow. I still hate that word. I prefer husbandless wife, but there is no check box for that on any form I have to fill out.
So I am moving on, be it ever so slowly at times. I look forward to doing new things. I know that it is a miracle that God has brought me to this day, or maybe it's more of a miracle that I let Him get me here. Either way I am grateful for where my life is right now and the fact that I know it will keep getting better. Maybe I am finding my "new normal" after all. I don't hate it as much as I used to. I am learning to accept that even this part of my life was God's will and that He knew about before I was even born, so I'm thinking He might actually know what He's doing. However, I would still like a neon sign on my front lawn telling me what He is doing and why, I hating waiting to see how it's going to play out, but I know there is a plan and a purpose.
Love and thankfulness to all of you who have walked beside me, every step of the way, part of the way or in any way. All of you have played a part in my healing. Thanks to God for bringing each one of you to me exactly when I needed you.
