I used to go to my mom with questions or problems. The only problem is that my mom is now 76 and her memory is not very good. I feel like I have lost a dear friend and a confidante, someone to help me sort through the thoughts that go through my head. I miss the mom I used to have, I mourn for her, I grieve for her. I still love the woman she has become, but sometimes she is a stranger to me. A couple years ago she didn't remember my birthday. She no longer remembers a lot of things. It breaks my heart. I think "where did you go." Why can't life just stay the same. I am so tired of all the changes that come with getting older. Losing a husband, losing relatives, losing friends, and now losing my "old mom," the way I want her to be.
Why are there no life manuals to get us through these phases in our lives. Sometimes I wonder how God ever thought I was able to handle being a single parent. I have recently realized that I am now in another new phase of my life. Nicole is almost 16. She is starting to pull away from me. I know, I know that is the natural course of things, but does that mean I have to like it. I hope not because I don't like it, not one bit. I want to hold her close to me, keep her safe like I did when she was an infant swaddled in my lap. I hate trying to figure out the answers on my own. I wish Mel was here to help me. He was so calm about everything, and I am, well let's say, a little more high strung and impulsively act and speak at times. .
I want to go to my mom and ask her what to do. I want to go to her and cry my heart out, but that mom is gone. She can no longer bear for people to cry. She simply changes the subject. Maybe she is just sick and tired of hearing of me cry. I don't know. I don't know who to turn to. I want the wisdom of my mother. I want her to cradle me in her arms again, like I want to cradle Nicole in my arms. I don't want to let go of the people in my life. I just get comfortable and love my life the way it is, and then it changes and I have to learn to love a new life. It makes me tired. I'm lonely for adult companionship. I miss not having someone to talk to or go to for a hug, confirmation that I' doing okay, that I'm making the right decisions. I miss having a husband and the assurance that at least one other person in the world loves me just the way I am.
I always want God to answer me OUT LOUD. I get tired of His subtlety. I probably am just not a good listener. Or I just don't pay attention enough. Or I try to do things my way and screw them up and then ask God what He thinks. Sometimes I feel like God plays hide 'n seek with me, now you see me, now you don't. I try to be faithful, I try to pray and find answers in His word. I would ask for patience, but I know better than that.
If there was one thing I could say to everyone it is love "your" people. Adult children and adult grandchildren, call your parents/grandparents. Keep them a part of your life as long as they are alive. All of us have busy lives, but really how long does a quick call take, a quick note to slip in the mail, a picture your kid/kids made at school that could be proudly displayed on a refrigerator, or an actual photo of them and you. These are the things that really matter to us. I still have photo magnets of my nieces at all different ages, playing all different sports on my refrigerator. It reminds me of times when we were all younger and it reminds me that life is passing by whether we like it or not. We owe the older generation of the people in our lives a debt of gratitude for the love they gave us and the sacrifices they made for us. Don't let them get older and be lonely too.
