Buyer's Remorse

Have you ever bought something and as soon as you got home with it regretted buying it? I know I have, sometimes I don't even make it to the car before I regret buying it.

I think buyer's remorse extends far beyond the price tag of an item we purchase in the store.  It extends to all aspects of our lives. There have been many times in my life when I seemed to accept ANYTHING anyone said to me as the truth, even though logically I knew it wasn't.  I have accepted lies from Satan and have followed his stinking path even though I knew it was against God's law. 

I think one of the biggest things we do that we regret, at least for me, is that I expect that people tell me something they mean it and it is the truth.  There is a high price to pay when you lose the trust in someone you trusted or they lose the trust in you that they had. 

Some things have happened in my life that I just couldn't, and still can't, believe that I have done to people or people have done to me.  Most of them are very childish but yet we hold them up as if they are high prized items (grudges to hold on to).  I especially get confused when I have seemingly done things that have hurt people, and I truly don't know what the transgression is, and they don't seem to have the need or courage to talk to me and tell me what's wrong.  I can be pretty good at this myself, and this is one thing I consciously try to avoid doing to people.  I have figured out if I want people to be honest with me I have to be honest with them.  We have to remember with honesty we won't always hear what we want to hear.

Then there are times in life when you tell the truth and other people choose, for whatever reason, not to believe you.  The only thing you can do then is stand on the truth you have told because you can't control whether or not people believe you.  Sometimes they don't believe you because they simply can't comprehend that someone they care about has said or done the things that you have told them about.

There are also times in life when a line is drawn in the sand, and both sides are so opposite of each other that each party finds it very hard to cross that line because doing so would mean having to accept you were wrong or at least you could have been wrong.  I especially find this hard to deal with when my kids are involved because like any mother I will stand on my side of the line with them when I know they are telling the truth or if they have had to make a hard decision because of hurtful things being done or said to them.

Sometimes I think, wow what if we could get our "money" back on these kinds of items like we can when we return something to the store for a refund.  The only way I know of doing that is through confessing and asking forgiveness from Jesus Christ.  We have to be careful to not have our hearts harden when these things happen, but we also have to learn to protect our hearts when they are hurt.  Teaching kids to have remorse and to ask for forgiveness is a job all parents should endeavor.  There is no comparison to that remorse and forgiveness when compared to the grace and mercy of Jesus Christ.  You see grace is not required and should only be given when there is no other way around it.

There are some big things in my life that I have buyer's remorse for, and most of them have happened in the last three years.  I wish I could have bought Mel a new heart, a new kidney, new intestines, new liver, new lungs.  I wish we could have gone to the hospital and just exchanged them for new ones.  I wish I never would have had to say a final goodbye to him.  I wish I didn't have to accept God's will that he take Mel home to cure him.  I wish I would not have had to make the decision to move when I did.  They say you should never make that kind of a decision for at least a year after your spouse has died.  I moved to Odessa exactly 10 weeks after Mel had passed away.  Somedays I like it here, I like the friends that I have made, I love my neighbors, I love our church, and I love the safety I feel here for my kids.  I don't like that I left my friends, my church, my parents and my home and everything that was familiar to me in one fell swoop.  I don't like that my kids had to go through that too.

But in life there are no refunds on major decisions made in the hour of grief, on words that are said that can't be unsaid, on actions that can't be undone, fatal diseases that take the ones you love the most, not having the relationships you thought you would have in life, and all kinds of other things. 

I can tell you though that sometimes "I want my money back", I want a refund, I want to go back to my old life, my comfortable life with Mel that was not a daily struggle trying to be happy, and to a life where my kids had their daddy.

Labor of love

13 years ago tonight I was in labor waiting for our precious daughter to be born.  I never dreamed 13 years could go so fast.  It seems like yesterday I was just meeting her for the first time.  I never thought I could have more love in my heart for her than on that day when Mel first put her in my arms, but my love for her has grown with each day of her life.  The people who know her and love her, and those who have taken the time to get to know her, adore her.  She is a true gift from God.  I know as sure as I will take my next breath that Nicole would NEVER hurt anyone, and is very repentant if she thinks she has.  Some people may think that I think she is perfect, and she is in the respect that she is a perfect creation from God.  I know that her behavior or attitude are not always perfect, but then whose is.

She loves her family and friends fiercely and with all of her heart.  She bubbles over with love for her family, her friends and her pets.  She loves animals, which I am sure she gets from me.  She has the easygoing nature and spirit that her daddy had.  She has his long legs too, and she often reminds me that soon she will be taller than me.  She loves her nanny and papa with a love that is great.  Her nanny (my mom) was with her dad and I for her delivery.  It was so special to me having my husband on one side of me and my mom on the other side of me.  It is magical watching the woman who gave birth to me, watching me give birth to our baby.  It was a wonderful night and next morning.  Nicole was born at a little after 7:00 a.m. on April 19, 1999. 

Nicole shines with the light of her Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.  She loves Him with all of her heart.  She loves to read her bible and memorize scripture.  She prays for every need that she hears about.  If an ambulance or police car goes by we all pray for those officers and the people they are going to help. She leads a bible study for the kids of the women's bible study I attend every Tuesday.  She reads them bible stories and has pictures for them to color and tells them about Jesus.

Nicole is generous to a fault.  If she has money to spend, she will most of the time spend more on others than she will on herself.  She is very generous with Daniel.  She adores her brother and spoils him with treats and little gifts every chance she gets.

I feel sad for the people who know her that don't see her sweet spirit, her lovings ways and her genuine kindness for others.  I think anyone who does not sense her inner kindness and sweetness is someone who has no concept of a Spirit filled, Jesus serving young girl, and a girl with a pure heart.  Again, I know she is not perfect, but she will admit when she has done wrong and is very honest and true.  I know I am supposed to feel this way because I am her mom, but I know a lot of other people who feel the same way.  Her daddy and I have always been so very proud of her.

I feel sad for all that she lost in her young life.  I feel sad that I haven't been able to "fix" these things for her.  All I can do is love her, listen to her and protect her from people who are judgmental or unkind towards her.  Her life has been forever changed by watching her daddy grow ill from cancer and ultimately dying in our home, but I also know that her life is forever changed by the love her daddy gave her while he was on this earth.  He adored her, and she him.  He bought her her first diamond.  He bought her a heart pendant for Christmas several years ago that has a diamond in it and told me that he wanted to be the first man to ever give her diamond.  He knew how important it was for a little girl to fall in love with her daddy.  I know that he set such a good example to her of how a husband should love his wife and family that she will be ready for the prince God has already chosen for her to spend her life with.

So Happy Birthday Nicole, my colie bug, my precious and beautiful daughter, Daddy's little girl and Daniel's big sissy.  We all love you so much.

Grief Letter

So here it goes.  I went to GriefShare support group last year, started it only two weeks after Mel died.  I just restarted it last Monday.  Our lesson this week is to write a grief letter to my  family and friends to understand what I am going through and what my grief feels like.

Dear Family and Friends:

First of all I would like to thank all of you have supported me this past year.  I never would have made it to this point in my grief without you.  My hopes in writing this letter now will put into perspective why I have done some of the things I have done, why I feel the way I do, how hard this has been for me and also to help you know what to say or do for people who are grieving.  Everyone's grief is unique to that certain person, and everyone's needs vary, but in general there are some things that can be said and done for anyone going through the loss of a loved one.

What has not helped me is hearing "it will get better", "he is still with you", "time heals all wounds", "you sleep too much", "your depression is out of control", "you are jeopardizing the well-being of your children by being so depressed and overcome with grief", "you need to cut your losses and get on with your life".

These words are not helpful simply because there is no way I can imagine my life without Mel in it, even today, a year later.  To me it will never get better, but I know it will get tolerable, and somehow I will learn to live with a "new normal".  Time does not heal wounds, it helps decrease the pain, but then the wounds re-open over and over again each time a new "first" or an old "first" happens.  I have learned that grief comes in waves like the ocean rolling in and out and over you.  I know I sleep a lot, but I had not slept a full night in over three years when Mel died, and I still spend many nights sleeplessly turning everything over and over in my mind.  My depression is not really any worse than it had been when Mel was sick, but grief is definitely an "additive" to depression, and is like nothing I have ever felt in my life.  I have never jeopardized my children in any area.  They are loved and taken care of.  Yes sometimes we stay in bed and watch TV, somedays it is all we can do to just get through the day.  You see they have "bad" days too, and I have to be sure to catch those to help them deal with this loss too.  I can't just get on with my life as if my life with Mel never happened or mattered.

Here are some specific things that can help:  Call and chat, be a good listener, say I am sorry you feel this way, I am here for you day or night.  Send random text messages or emails or cards, they mean a lot.  Pray for me, and let me know that you are praying for me and my kids.  On my kids' birthdays, our anniversary, my birthday, Mel's birthday, mother's day, father's day, and other holidays acknowledge that you know it is hard.  Ask if there is something you could do to help me.  Hug me and hug me again.  Sometimes that speaks louder than words.  Even if I cry, please listen to my story.  I will probably have to tell it over and over again until it sounds ok to me.  Please talk to me about Mel.  Ask what he liked to do, eat, talk about or even tell me if you miss him.  Again, I will probably cry, but the tears are not to keep you from talking to me or me telling you things I want you to hear.

My friend Deanna had these things to say that really expressed what I have been trying to do and what it has felt like to lose my husband:

While I recognize that you have never suffered through a loss as devastating as losing your husband, I hope you can put yourself in her shoes for just a moment. Patty has lost her best friend, her lover, her companion, her parenting partner, her financial partner, and her spiritual leader. None of us can imagine that loss until we experience it. I can tell you that Patty is doing the very best she can under the circumstances.
Patty and Mel discussed for almost two years how he would want her to carry on if the worst happened. Choices such as home-schooling Nicole as long as she desired to be home-schooled were well thought out, with much prayer. I believe that God has given Patty alone the unique insight to raise Nicole and Daniel. She will always do what she believes God has lead her to do for their best interests, but it hurts her when she feels like others don't think she is doing a good job as a mother.

She offered the following advice on specific things that you can do to help while people are grieving:
 
 Unconditional love is the most important thing she needs right now. Not that you need to agree with every choice she makes, but just to offer her words of love and encouragement to get through the day. Send her an "I love you" text, a card, some encouraging words. Give her a call when she comes to mind. Order a pizza to her house one evening so she doesn't have to cook (Deanna obviously has not been to Odessa, or she would know this is not an option). There are so many practical things that we as her family and friends can do to come along side of her and support her.

My cousin Debra had the following to say:

Personally we share with the weighing of whether we are too personal; in the middle of my grief who do I need to comfort when I share; maybe I just don't want to share today or ever; and on and on... And then when our loved ones are grieving all we want is for them to be better and we are helpless to make it better. We may listen. We change the subject. We don't bring up the subject up. And we prescribe a course of action that we think will help...and not even time heals...only Father knows the heart, and the pain, and the course it takes. And He knows that we fumble around in our grief and avoid aspects of it and are angry and...that list goes on, too! God is not even surprised by any ways that we who are grieving and we who are comforting are...we just are and He leads us as we let Him.

Patty, we all love you so much. We all wish we coul take the pain away. None of us are much experienced in comforting you so please forgive us when we get it wrong. I remember when Ron and I loss our triplets...you were so sweet to me! And all through the time when we struggled to have babies you never said...just relax...maybe you should adopt...etc. You listened. As we fumble around and try to do our best know above all else that we love you and we just want you to be better. Sometimes we will hit Bingo!!!, and sometimes it will be bingo but at the wrong time, and, unfortunately sometimes what we have to offer may hit you like thud...but we love you. If an important anniversary date or a special date is coming up let us know. That way you won't feel like we didn't remember (which of course we didn't :)) and we won't feel like bums because we forgot and didn't know.

I have also learned that I have a responsibility to let people know when I am particularly hurting or need some extra "hugs". 

Here is what my GriefShare describes the loss of a spouse:

A part of who you are is gone. Your identity is shaken to the very core. You wonder if you will ever feel normal again or if you will ever enjoy life again.

"When you lose a mate, you lose part of yourself," says Dr. Jim Conway. "It's as if you've had an amputation of an arm or a leg. I think that you don't really recover; you adjust, and the process of adjusting varies with every individual. There's no formula."

The pain that comes from the loss of a spouse is much deeper than most people realize because in a marital relationship two people become one flesh.

"The man said, 'This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called "woman," for she was taken out of man.' For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh" (Genesis 2:23-24).

When part of your flesh is abruptly taken away, there is a ripping and a tearing that leaves a huge, open wound.

"Until you have experienced the death of a spouse, there is no way you can tell someone how deep the hurt is. The Lord says that we are one flesh, and suddenly half of that flesh is torn from us," says Beth.

For me losing Mel was devastating.  I think the hardest part was that we had had such faith that God was going to heal Mel and we would have more time together.  I felt very betrayed by God (still do sometimes) that he had taken Mel from me and left me alone to do the things we had wanted to do together.  I loved Mel so much.  He was always so kind to me, and I never doubted his love for me.  I am trying to learn that Mel's death was not something "God did to me".

I guess through all of this I just want you all to know that even when I have been hurt by some of you I know that you love me.  I know this is not an easy thing to be on "either end of".  Grief is hell.  It can devour you if you let it.  If I didn't have my kids to take care of, it would have been very easy for me to let it devour me. 

One of the hardest things about not having Mel is that I am "on" 24/7 with my kids.  While I love them to the ends of the earth and back, there are times that I would love to have time to myself.  I question the decisions I make, and I always try to think what Mel would say about what to do in certain situations. 

I know that day by day my feelings change, my highs and lows change, but the thing that never changes is that I love my friends and family.  I want you to know that all in all I think you have all done a pretty good job of helping me without knowing what to do to help me. 

I am truly blessed by God.  Love you all Patty.