Grief Letter

So here it goes.  I went to GriefShare support group last year, started it only two weeks after Mel died.  I just restarted it last Monday.  Our lesson this week is to write a grief letter to my  family and friends to understand what I am going through and what my grief feels like.

Dear Family and Friends:

First of all I would like to thank all of you have supported me this past year.  I never would have made it to this point in my grief without you.  My hopes in writing this letter now will put into perspective why I have done some of the things I have done, why I feel the way I do, how hard this has been for me and also to help you know what to say or do for people who are grieving.  Everyone's grief is unique to that certain person, and everyone's needs vary, but in general there are some things that can be said and done for anyone going through the loss of a loved one.

What has not helped me is hearing "it will get better", "he is still with you", "time heals all wounds", "you sleep too much", "your depression is out of control", "you are jeopardizing the well-being of your children by being so depressed and overcome with grief", "you need to cut your losses and get on with your life".

These words are not helpful simply because there is no way I can imagine my life without Mel in it, even today, a year later.  To me it will never get better, but I know it will get tolerable, and somehow I will learn to live with a "new normal".  Time does not heal wounds, it helps decrease the pain, but then the wounds re-open over and over again each time a new "first" or an old "first" happens.  I have learned that grief comes in waves like the ocean rolling in and out and over you.  I know I sleep a lot, but I had not slept a full night in over three years when Mel died, and I still spend many nights sleeplessly turning everything over and over in my mind.  My depression is not really any worse than it had been when Mel was sick, but grief is definitely an "additive" to depression, and is like nothing I have ever felt in my life.  I have never jeopardized my children in any area.  They are loved and taken care of.  Yes sometimes we stay in bed and watch TV, somedays it is all we can do to just get through the day.  You see they have "bad" days too, and I have to be sure to catch those to help them deal with this loss too.  I can't just get on with my life as if my life with Mel never happened or mattered.

Here are some specific things that can help:  Call and chat, be a good listener, say I am sorry you feel this way, I am here for you day or night.  Send random text messages or emails or cards, they mean a lot.  Pray for me, and let me know that you are praying for me and my kids.  On my kids' birthdays, our anniversary, my birthday, Mel's birthday, mother's day, father's day, and other holidays acknowledge that you know it is hard.  Ask if there is something you could do to help me.  Hug me and hug me again.  Sometimes that speaks louder than words.  Even if I cry, please listen to my story.  I will probably have to tell it over and over again until it sounds ok to me.  Please talk to me about Mel.  Ask what he liked to do, eat, talk about or even tell me if you miss him.  Again, I will probably cry, but the tears are not to keep you from talking to me or me telling you things I want you to hear.

My friend Deanna had these things to say that really expressed what I have been trying to do and what it has felt like to lose my husband:

While I recognize that you have never suffered through a loss as devastating as losing your husband, I hope you can put yourself in her shoes for just a moment. Patty has lost her best friend, her lover, her companion, her parenting partner, her financial partner, and her spiritual leader. None of us can imagine that loss until we experience it. I can tell you that Patty is doing the very best she can under the circumstances.
Patty and Mel discussed for almost two years how he would want her to carry on if the worst happened. Choices such as home-schooling Nicole as long as she desired to be home-schooled were well thought out, with much prayer. I believe that God has given Patty alone the unique insight to raise Nicole and Daniel. She will always do what she believes God has lead her to do for their best interests, but it hurts her when she feels like others don't think she is doing a good job as a mother.

She offered the following advice on specific things that you can do to help while people are grieving:
 
 Unconditional love is the most important thing she needs right now. Not that you need to agree with every choice she makes, but just to offer her words of love and encouragement to get through the day. Send her an "I love you" text, a card, some encouraging words. Give her a call when she comes to mind. Order a pizza to her house one evening so she doesn't have to cook (Deanna obviously has not been to Odessa, or she would know this is not an option). There are so many practical things that we as her family and friends can do to come along side of her and support her.

My cousin Debra had the following to say:

Personally we share with the weighing of whether we are too personal; in the middle of my grief who do I need to comfort when I share; maybe I just don't want to share today or ever; and on and on... And then when our loved ones are grieving all we want is for them to be better and we are helpless to make it better. We may listen. We change the subject. We don't bring up the subject up. And we prescribe a course of action that we think will help...and not even time heals...only Father knows the heart, and the pain, and the course it takes. And He knows that we fumble around in our grief and avoid aspects of it and are angry and...that list goes on, too! God is not even surprised by any ways that we who are grieving and we who are comforting are...we just are and He leads us as we let Him.

Patty, we all love you so much. We all wish we coul take the pain away. None of us are much experienced in comforting you so please forgive us when we get it wrong. I remember when Ron and I loss our triplets...you were so sweet to me! And all through the time when we struggled to have babies you never said...just relax...maybe you should adopt...etc. You listened. As we fumble around and try to do our best know above all else that we love you and we just want you to be better. Sometimes we will hit Bingo!!!, and sometimes it will be bingo but at the wrong time, and, unfortunately sometimes what we have to offer may hit you like thud...but we love you. If an important anniversary date or a special date is coming up let us know. That way you won't feel like we didn't remember (which of course we didn't :)) and we won't feel like bums because we forgot and didn't know.

I have also learned that I have a responsibility to let people know when I am particularly hurting or need some extra "hugs". 

Here is what my GriefShare describes the loss of a spouse:

A part of who you are is gone. Your identity is shaken to the very core. You wonder if you will ever feel normal again or if you will ever enjoy life again.

"When you lose a mate, you lose part of yourself," says Dr. Jim Conway. "It's as if you've had an amputation of an arm or a leg. I think that you don't really recover; you adjust, and the process of adjusting varies with every individual. There's no formula."

The pain that comes from the loss of a spouse is much deeper than most people realize because in a marital relationship two people become one flesh.

"The man said, 'This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called "woman," for she was taken out of man.' For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh" (Genesis 2:23-24).

When part of your flesh is abruptly taken away, there is a ripping and a tearing that leaves a huge, open wound.

"Until you have experienced the death of a spouse, there is no way you can tell someone how deep the hurt is. The Lord says that we are one flesh, and suddenly half of that flesh is torn from us," says Beth.

For me losing Mel was devastating.  I think the hardest part was that we had had such faith that God was going to heal Mel and we would have more time together.  I felt very betrayed by God (still do sometimes) that he had taken Mel from me and left me alone to do the things we had wanted to do together.  I loved Mel so much.  He was always so kind to me, and I never doubted his love for me.  I am trying to learn that Mel's death was not something "God did to me".

I guess through all of this I just want you all to know that even when I have been hurt by some of you I know that you love me.  I know this is not an easy thing to be on "either end of".  Grief is hell.  It can devour you if you let it.  If I didn't have my kids to take care of, it would have been very easy for me to let it devour me. 

One of the hardest things about not having Mel is that I am "on" 24/7 with my kids.  While I love them to the ends of the earth and back, there are times that I would love to have time to myself.  I question the decisions I make, and I always try to think what Mel would say about what to do in certain situations. 

I know that day by day my feelings change, my highs and lows change, but the thing that never changes is that I love my friends and family.  I want you to know that all in all I think you have all done a pretty good job of helping me without knowing what to do to help me. 

I am truly blessed by God.  Love you all Patty.