A New Life

Since losing Mel I have found out that I can never have my old life back.  His death means finding a new way for me and my kids and somehow a new, unimaginable, scary life.  It scares me in the dark corners of my mind to think of living without him.  I still can't quite wrap my mind around my life without Mel.  There are still days when I simply can only "breathe" for a minute at a time.  Grief can overtake you in an instant.  I'm trying to learn to love and trust God again.  It's good He knows what's going on with me because some days I have no clue.  It's so hard to not have a shoulder to lean on like you do when you are married.  I never thought grief would be so all-consuming at times, and I never expected the degree of anger that comes with it.

When I was trying to get us all ready to move to Washington, one night I put the kids to bed, then went to the garage to clean out the car and start to pack it for the longest, loneliest trip of my life.  I remember sitting in that car for over two hours.  I was screaming so hard and so long that I finally lost my voice.  I was so, so mad at God for what had happened with Mel.  I remember screaming over and over, how could you do this to me after I have loved you so much, after we trusted you so much and after waiting so long for Mel to come into my life that I had to lose him first.  My siblings had all had families long before I did, and selfish as it sounds I was so outraged that out of all the things in the world I got to be first at was losing my spouse. Boy I sure didn't feel privileged to have that slap in the face.  On the other hand I would never wish this on my brother or sister or their spouses to live through.  I have had many of these screaming matches with God over the past few years.  They started even before Mel died.  I was furious that God would allow him to have cancer and force us to walk that path of darkness.  And, yes they continue today, just not as often.

I tell everyone I know now that when you are lucky enough to find someone who absolutely adores you, would do anything for you, would lay down their own life for you to hold onto that person as tightly as you can, show love to them every chance you get, say I Love You every single day at least once, to be loving and kind even if at that moment you don't feel like it, because I have found that those chances run through your fingers like the sand in an hour glass, and there are no more.   I also tell them that most of the things we resist or argue about in a marriage really do not matter and certainly are not important enough to be mad at each other over.  Show mercy and grace to the people you love, and they will show it right back to you, and you will be so richly blessed by just letting the small stuff slide.  It's usually the small stuff that people get stuck on in a relationship, and at the end of the day does it really matter if the toilet seat is up or down, the toothpaste cap is on, or whatever it is the person you profess to love the most does that annoys the heck out of you.  Choose love in those moments because they will end one day.  Be best friends with the mate you choose for life.  They are the people who should know us better than we know ourselves and still love us!!!

Many people have told me what a difference I made in Mel's life and the changes that I made in his life.  The truth is he made those changes for me.  He melted my heart that had been hardened by many failed relationships, deceptions and lies by people who professed to love me.  The changes we made together were changes that happened because God made us ready at the very moment that we met to know that we would have that kind of love and friendship.  I never told Mel to get a hair cut, dress nicer or any of  other things his mom credited me with.  He did all of that on his own, because he wanted to, because he was ready to give up his old way of life.  I also made changes because I was tired of living the life I had been, and Mel was important enough to me to make those changes.  We can never change another human being but God can, and while He is doing it the best thing you can do is shut up and show mercy, grace, and love to that person.

The things I can still thank God for are my marriage, the wonderful husband he gifted me with and the two most awesome kids in the world.  People used to think we were crazy having kids when we did because of our ages, but I know now that God knew better than anyone that one day having our kids would literally save my life and give me the strength and courage I would need when I lost  Mel to somehow go on with life and try to make a new life, because my old life is forever over.

The day I left Colorado was one of the most horribly, sickening, nightmarish days of my life.  I was leaving everything I knew and had.  I had lost my husband, I was losing my church family, I was losing my friends, and leaving behind my parents who had gotten me through the hardest years of my life.  I also was losing the home that Mel and I built with love and joy to foreclosure.  When I left that morning, April 30, 2011, I told everyone I was going to drive to Missoula, Montana the first day, about a 17 hour drive.  My parents were worried about me driving that far, but I knew if I was going to leave my home and old life behind, I would have to get so far away from it and be so exhausted when I stopped for the night, that there would be no way I could turn away and go back home.

The next day, May 1, 2011, the most beautiful sight in the world to me was my sister waiting in her pickup just outside of Odessa waiting for our arrival.  I had never been so happy to see someone I loved in my whole life.  She took us to see our house, she had made a welcome sign for the door and had a vase full of daffodils to welcome us.  I love my sister so much and I will never forget seeing you on the side of the road meeting me to start the hardest journey I would ever take, making a life for myself without my precious Mel.