My "M"other friends and Mother's Day

I used to be so envious of Mother's on Mother's Day, even though my nieces always remembered me on Mother's Day.  It just wasn't the same as having a child of my own.  I used to just cry and ask God why I hadn't been blessed with a husband and a family of my own.  When I was single and at family events where everyone was married and had their own family, I always felt lonely and left out.  I always seemed to want what I didn't have.  Then I was blessed with Mel.  We got pregnant seven months after we got married, the first time we tried.  My nieces Cora and Amanda were staying with me, and I went to the store to get a home pregnancy test, and it was positive. I couldn't believe it so I went to the store and got another one, and once again it was positive.  I was so sure that it had been way too easy and quick to get pregnancy I dragged the girls back to the store again and purchased ANOTHER pregnancy test.  Miraculously it hadn't changed in the 30 minutes or so since the last one had said positive.  I remember Cora and Amanda asking me "Aunt Patty why do we keep going back to the store and buying the same box".  Well not to take things for granted or anything, the next week when I went back to work I had a blood test done, and guess what it was POSITIVE too. 

I was a crazy woman.  I just COULD NOT believe that my second lifelong dream (the first being a wife) had come true.  I called Mel at work, and believe it or not he wasn't shocked.  Seems he believed the first three home tests I did.  I couldn't wait to tell people, especially my parents.  They were so excited for us.  They knew my dream had always been to have a baby of my own to love and care for, my "forever family".

I was pretty sick with morning sickness for the first four months.  What they don't tell you in What to Expect When You're Expecting is that morning sickness isn't just for morning.  For me it lasted all day.  I don't know why when a mother has a daughter she doesn't write a manual about these things, or about the guilt you feel every time the baby gets hurt, or the guilt you feel when you have to leave your baby to go back to work, or just the general "Ought to know" things.  I asked my mom about this, and she said she would never have written such a manual for fear that she would never become a grandmother.  She is a wise woman.

When I went to my first OB appointment, Mel couldn't get off work to go with me.  They did a transvaginal ultrasound.  I was a little confused when the nurse came rushing in with an ultrasound machine that had a drawer full of condoms in it, but I soon learned what they were for.  I had no idea what a transvaginal ultrasound was before that, and I thought "man they should hand out condoms before you get to this point".   The very second Nicole's little body lit up on that screen, and her heart was beating I was just in such AWE that the love Mel and I shared had created a child for us, on loan from God, to raise up in the way of the Lord.

I went back to work in tears.  Everyone thought I had gotten bad news, but I was just so humbled and grateful to have been so blessed.  I faxed copies of the ultrasound to Mel and my mom at work.  Mom still has the copy I faxed her.  When Mel got home, he just wrapped his arms around me and we both cried.  We were both thrilled.  Mel was so good to me during my pregnancy and while I had "morning sickness".  He was so patient and kind and did so many little things just to make my days easier.  

Since I was 37 years old when I got pregnant, the doctor wanted us to do genetic testing, but we told her we didn't want to do that.  We knew that no matter what any test might show, this was our baby, we already loved "her", and that nothing would make us change our minds about continuing with the pregnancy.  I told Mel that I just wanted to enjoy being pregnant, I didn't want to think about those things, I just wanted to soak up every minute of having a baby growing inside of me.  What an awesome gift God has given to women, what an honor, and what a responsibility.  Once my morning sickness ended, I loved every minute of being pregnant.  The most magical feeling in the world is the first time you feel your tiny baby moving around inside of your womb.  I loved wearing maternity clothes and everyone touching my belly.  I loved people asking me when I was due, why was I so big, was I having twins, was my doctor sure of my due date? I only gained 19 pounds when I was pregnant but my goodness I was huge. 

Mel and I had decided to invite my mom to be with us when Nicole was born.  We didn't find out the sex of the baby.  We wanted to be surprised.  I went into labor on Sunday, April 18, 1999 at 6:30 p.m. and Nicole finally arrived at 7:03 a.m. on April 19, 1999.  The joy, the unbelievable overwhelming joy that overcame me.  I felt like I must be the only woman who had ever felt that way, but of course I know that millions of women have had that joy, but to me it felt like for a moment in time I was the only one.  When Mel carried her to me to hold her for the first time, I just sobbed I was so overwhelmed with the goodness of God and the love He had shown Mel and I for allowing us to care for one of His precious children.  It was awesome having my mom with us.  I will never forget Dad coming to the hospital before he had to go to work.  He went in the nursery with Mel while they were dressing Nicole and getting ready to bring her back in to my room.  He hugged me with tears in his eyes and told me how beautiful she was.  Of course I already knew that.

With Daniel our experience was of course different, because we were blessed by God through the miracle of adoption, but all the feelings of joy and overwhelming love for Daniel was exactly the same that we felt with Nicole.  We were always in such awe that out of all the people who are searching for a newborn baby to adopt that God chose us to be Daniel's parents and Nicole to be his sister.  The best thing about Daniel was how God showed us how our love just multiplied over and over, and that no matter what we were his family.

I found out yesterday that I think I miss Mel the most on Mother's Day.  You see without me first being Mel's wife, I never would have been the mother of his children.  My marriage and becoming a mother were absolutely the most important life changing events in my life.  Mel and I both reevaluated ourselves when Nicole was born and really committed our lives and hers, and subsequently Daniel's, to the Lord. 

It is definitely bittersweet when you have been blessed by the absolute best God has to give you, and then the time comes when the best God had to give you is returned back to Him.  I have several dear and special friends dealing with, or having had to deal with, the fatality of their unborn children, the news that their unborn children may likely pass away before they ever have a chance to hold them, or losing precious babies just a few days after they were born.  Grief is such a consuming emotion with these sorts of things.  The anger, pain and betrayal that you feel towards God is just unfathomable.  You just simply cannot wrap your mind around God blessing you with your heart's desire and then for whatever reason these blessings turn to heartache and loss in the blink of an eye. 

My heart aches for my dear friends dealing with these issues, and yes my heart still absolutely aches from the loss of my precious Mel. I love you all so much, my heart aches with yours, I shed tears with you, and beseech God for answers on your behalf and for my own.  I know that my family and the joining of these other special families has been brought about by God.  You see we need each other.  We share the kind of grief that is all consuming, we share the burdens of each others, we search God for answers and for the right words to say to each other, but most of all we try our best to trust that God does know what He is doing and support each other with that knowledge.  Kelly and Diego, Erin and Kerry, Deanna and Butch, we all share a special bond of love and grief that brings people together to try to find the goodness of God in the worst of situations.  I love you all, and all of you have helped me grieve my loss, you have listened to me, you have supported me, I know you have prayed for me, but most of all you have just loved me.  I hope in some small way I have been a comfort to all of you in your times of turmoil and grief.  I can't wait to see you all and hug you and share tears and prayers with you in person.  It is in that way that we can begin to heal. 

Grief is not something you ever get over.  It is something that reshapes your life, your perspectives, your views on life, the importance of being so immersed in the love of  God and loved by people who love God, and this is how we can walk through grief, but never over it.

One day we will all be reunited with those we have known here on earth and with those precious ones God took home before we had time to love and know here on earth.  Praise God for the gift of Eternal Life, and the best part is that we have all chosen Him and will be forever friends.  I am blessed beyond measure by the knowledge of that.  I love you all so much.