Betrayal

I have been thinking a lot lately about betrayal. Since Mel's death I have felt so betrayed by God that it is hard for me to trust Him. For a while there I couldn't even pray I was so angry and distrustful of God.

Betrayal seems to me to be one of the hardest things to experience, because in order to feel betrayal you have to have loved someone, cared about someone, trusted someone and/or believed that these people you cared about would care about you FOREVER. I've also been betrayed by many people who I thought would support me when Mel died. In all honesty I have to say that people don't really know what to do or say when someone so significant in your life dies. Most people have lost somebody they love to death, but I have learned over and over in the last two years, there is no loss like losing a spouse, not even losing a child. When you are married and go through losses, you have your spouse for support and to lean on when you need someone so badly you think you might die. But when your spouse dies, there is no other person in the world who knows you the way your spouse did. Mel knew me inside and out, he knew how to comfort me, he knew to just hold me and let me cry. He knew he didn't have to "fix" everything that I mostly just needed "him".

I have learned the only FOREVER is the everlasting, blood-saving gift of life from Jesus Christ. That is the only thing I know is forever, and I know that I want to be there.

I have been TRYING to learn that God didn't really betray me when he took Mel home. He Blessed Mel with the greatest gift of all, the gift we Christians just celebrated on Easter. I just didn't want him to bless Mel that way, I wanted him to bless Mel the way I wanted Mel to be blessed. I wanted God to cure Mel's cancer and bless him with many more years on this earth with me. I used to pray that if God was going to take Mel from me that the rapture would occur at the same time so all four of us could go to Heaven together. Again, my idea not God's.

I've also been betrayed by many people who I thought would support me when Mel died. In all honesty I have to say that people don't really know what to do or say when someone so significant in your life dies. Most people have lost somebody they love to death, but I have learned over and over in the last two years, there is no loss like losing a spouse, not even losing a child. When you are married and go through losses, you have your spouse for support and to lean on when you need someone so badly you think you might die. But when your spouse dies, there is no other person in the world who knows you the way your spouse did. Mel knew me inside and out, he knew how to comfort me, he knew to just hold me and let me cry. He knew he didn't have to "fix" everything that I mostly just needed "him".

I have had to learn that some people are not meant to be in your life forever. Some are there for just a season of your life, and then they leave. Sometimes you know why, and other times you just can't understand why. The best part though is that God does put really, really special people in our lives forever, and they are family. I'm not talking blood sharing, DNA connected family, I am talking about people who just really "get you" and you "get them", and you love each other through everything and anything. I am blessed by really good "family".

Today while I was writing this entry I got a phone call from one of my main "sisters" Deanna. She was calling to say a very special person had passed out of this life into eternal life. He was my family, his wife is my family and his kids are my family too. He was my pastor for many, many years. He married Mel and I, he did Nicole's baby dedication, he did the funeral services for Mel's parents', he was there for Mel and I to renew our vows on our 10th anniversary. It was just Pastor Hal, his precious wife Sharon, Mel and me and Nicole. It was so special, and Mel had planned it as a surprise. He did Daniel's baby dedication, he was preaching his last sermon when Mel passed away, and the last service he performed as a pastor was Mel's memorial service. I saw Sharon a while ago, and I see how I must have looked a little over two years ago. I only hope I can be a good enough "family" for her to go through these horrible times. Lost is the only word to describe the look on the face of a spouse whose spouse has just passed away. Thank God Hal is in His presence, and if I know my Mel he is talking Hal's ears off, and that makes me smile. It also makes me smile to know that one day I will see Mel and Hal again.

During Holy Week I watched various shows about the crucifixion and the resurrection of Jesus Christ. Man you want to talk betrayal, talk to Jesus. Even though his whole purpose was to be born of a virgin, live life as a human man and give his life FOR US, I cannot begin to imagine the betrayal he must have felt from pretty much the whole human race. His own friends (family, disciples) denied him and betrayed him for a few coins, then he was beaten beyond recognition, forced to carry his own cross to his own death, he was nailed to the cross, stabbed in the abdomen and left hanging there to die.

So to me the biggest betrayal of all is denying the One who was betrayed for us. Jesus Christ suffered so much and was BETRAYED beyond measure for ME, for YOU, and for ANY ONE who chooses Him. I am so glad Mel chose Him, I am so glad I have chosen Him, and all the others who have gone before me who have chosen Him. Because this is the only way BETRAYAL will ever win the biggest prize of all. Yes BETRAYAL wins because without betrayal there is no resurrection and no choice to be made to live or die for Jesus Christ. One day BETRAYAL will no longer exist because Jesus Christ, the King of Kings sits on the throne and the final judgment will be passed. Don't make the mistake of being one of those left behind on that day. Choose Jesus Christ today for your life and your salvation, and kick betrayal in the proverbial butt.