Well it has come to my attention that the holidays have arrived. I know, I know many of you are thinking Thanksgiving is long past. I know I'm late, okay!
This is my third holiday season since losing Mel. I don't know what it is about the holidays, but they certainly bring grief to the surface. Here are some holiday survival tips that I hope will encourage those of you who are grieving and will enlighten those of you who feel you are sitting by helplessly watching someone you love grieve.
1. You may find it easier to start new holiday traditions, rather than continue the traditions you shared with the loved one(s) you have lost. This is okay. It does NOT mean you do NOT remember. It means it is too painful for you to relive some of the things you did in your pre-grieving state.
2. There also may be some tranditions you feel the need to continue. We still hang Mel's stocking with ours. It makes us feel like a family.
3. If you are invited to a party, talk with the hostess and set up an escape plan in case you find you can't stay once you get it together enough to show up. Explain to him/her that it may simply be too difficult for you to engage in the festivities.
4. Have "life-lines" in place. We all have our "go-to" people. Let them know when you are having a hard time emotionally and what they can do to help. They don't know if you don't tell them.
5. This is an exhausting time of year when you are at your best. Take care of yourself. Rest when you need to, slow down during the day, have a cup of tea or a soda and relax. If you need to sleep, sleep.
6. Spend time with the Lord. Nothing renews the spirit and the heart like spending time reading His word or spending time in prayer.
For those of you who want to help but don't know what to do, here are some suggestions for you:
1. This is a good time to just be a good listener. Those of us who are grieving know that there are no answers on this earth to explain our loss. We really just need someone who will listen and accept what we are feeling even if you don't understand it. People who are grieving need the freedom to grieve in their own way and in their own time. God made each of us unique, and so each of us goes through this process differently than anybody else. There is no time table for grief.
2. Don't hesitate to invite us "grievers" to join in the holiday festivities, but DO let us set the limits on what we can or cannot handle. We may be able to come to a party or dinner and only stay half an hour. Please be understanding.
3. If we don't manage to make it to social events, invite us out for a cup of coffee, an ice cream, or whatever it is we usually do together. Sometimes being in a crowd is too uncomfortable for us, and we do better one-on-one with people we love.
4. If death has caused someone to be a single parent, offer to take his/her children for an hour, an afternoon, whatever you are able to commit to. This gives mom/dad time to shop for gifts, wraps gifts and maybe have a little bit of alone time. It is exhausting being a single parent.
5. Remember not everyone is surrounded by large, loving family at holidays. If you see someone, whether they are grieving or not, who is going to be alone during the holidays, by all means invite them to join you and your family. This is a great opportunity to witness to others, to build new friendships and to really reach out in a positive way.
6. If you see a need, offer to fill it. Sometimes it is too hard for people to ask for help with everything they suddenly find themselves needing help with.
I would just like to take the time now to thank everyone of you who have reached out to me and my kids and have helped make this walk through the "wilderness of grief" at least bearable. I would also like to say that the people you love who are grieving are not ever going to be "the same" as they were before they grieved the loss of someone very important to them. Grief changes us. That isn't necessarily a bad thing. If we are allowed to grieve in our own way, in our own time I truly believe that God can and does make us better, but we will also be different. That doesn't mean the "new us" doesn't need you. We just need you to let us become and be who God intends for us to be when we walk out of the valley of the shadow of death.
Merry Christmas and remember Jesus really is THE reason for the season.
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