When I woke up this morning, I was lying in bed praying. I started praying for the new GriefShare group that will be starting in September and praying for the people who need to hear those messages will be blessed and find a deeper understanding of God's love. I then started thinking about the tragic suicide death of Robin Williams. I believe there is much to be learned from his LIFE, but most of all I was wondering if he was in the Lord's presence today. I also thought about all the people who lose loved ones, who to most of the world are just insignificant lives. But to me, and other grievers I know, when I lost my husband I wanted the whole world to grieve with me, as the world now grieves for the loss of Robin Williams. But the whole world didn't know my Mel, but to me and our kids he was EVERYTHING. We had people in "our" world surround us with love and compassion, but as the days passed by that number became fewer. I know that people probably got weary of my tears, my anger and my fears, but I fervently thank God every day for the few important people who stood by my side and just let me grieve. You seen that's what people who are grieving really need. I didn't need or want answers from anyone but God, but I was so angry at Him that I wasn't ready to hear his answers. You see all I really needed was someone to hold me, let me scream, let me rant and rave, let me wail and just wipe my tears.
My advice for anyone who is close to someone who is grieving, just be THERE. Don't say "call me if you need anything." Grievers are far too fragile to take on that responsibility. Call them, show up unexpectedly, send a card, send a text telling them you are thinking of them and love them. If they have become single parents, offer some child care. Offer to go grocery shopping for them. When you are grieving the everyday tasks at hand become too much. Most of all just LISTEN and tell them how much you LOVE them. Last but not least PRAY for them, have your church pray for them, have your Facebook friends pray for them.
I am where I am today because of the people who did just that for me. I am healing (not healed). I can function pretty normally on most days. Some days I am so once again overwhelmed by grief that all I can do is lie in bed and weep (okay, so I don't weep, I don't do it that pretty).
Teach your children about grief. Teach them what to say to friends and family when a loved one has passed. A girl at school told Nicole "I know just how you feel, my dog died last week." Now I am not minimizing that girl's grief. I am a pet lover and I grieve deeply when I lose one of my four-legged friends. But Nicole was very offended, as was I, but that was the only comparison that girl had for grief on her level. So teach your kids, especially those becoming young adults what to say or do to help grieving friends.
Just a couple of weeks ago I received some sage advice. I was told that my kids need to be taught that life is not always pretty and the world isn't always fair. Are you KIDDING me? When Mel got sick, Nicole was 10 years old, Daniel was 1 year old. Sometimes while I was caring for Daniel, Nicole was caring for her dad. She learned to clean up vomit. She learned what his pain medicine looked like. She learned to hold her nose when fixing him corned beef hash, which he had a great craving for and she and I found so disgusting. She also learned to hold a pan for him while he vomited, all the while she had dry heaves. Try explaining to your now 5-year-old little boy where daddy's old body went (cremated). Try explaining to him how they burned his daddy's body up until all that was left was ashes. So I think my kids know a few things about life being unfair.
BUT they also know about God's love. They know that their Daddy is in Heaven with our Lord and Savior. They know he has a brand new body with no cancer in it, no scars on it, no open wound draining from his stomach. I Pray today that Robin Williams' family has that same comfort.
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