My New Normal

It is Well with My Soul

February 20, 2011, my entire world and life that I loved fell apart. I didn't know how I was going to survive and didn't know if I wanted to; I just knew I had to. 

When you go through grief, go to any support groups or read any books about grief, there is one resounding phrase EVERYONE talks about, that is finding "your new normal." They should also inform you that "your new normal" is not something you are going to want for a long time. You see, when my Mel passed away I didn't want a "new normal." I wanted everything to just stay the way it was. I didn't want to live in a world that didn't include him. I couldn't imagine my world without him in it. I remember not being able to even think a day ahead into the future, and thinking of the next week terrified me. 

I also had never know how exhausting grief was. Waking up every day to another day of hell was hard. For about three years I barely functioned. I got up for the kids. We would get groceries, do laundry and the other basic things that needed to be done. But beyond that I simply did not have the strength or physical reserve to do anything else. Everything seemed like a monumental task. I couldn't function well because my memory was literally fried. I remember insisting that my doctor give me the memory tests for dementia. Nope that wasn't it, I was simply in "the widow's fog." Hah, lucky me. Writing myself notes didn't even help because I could never remember where I put them. 

I was so afraid that people would forget Mel and the life we had and the family we created together. I wanted to share all my stories about him to remind them. The kids and I talked about him a lot and still do. Most other people don't mention him much at all. That used to offend me and hurt me to my soul, but I have realized they don't do this intentionally. At first I think people wanted to avoid the subject because they knew it would make me cry, and they didn't want to cause me any more pain (or maybe they thought, oh no here she goes again). Then, like it or not, I had to realize that everyone else around me just got to go back to their "old normal" lives. They have jobs, families and responsibilities. Their world hadn't stopped like mine had. In fact some of the time I didn't even feel like I was part of this world anymore. I was disoriented and confused and hurt beyond any pain I had ever felt in my life.

I've been searching for the elusive "new normal" for a long time, half afraid that I would find it. I didn't want to feel like I was forgetting my "old normal" life. Then the strangest thing happened. Last November I suddenly didn't feel as burdened as I had since February 20, 2011. For the first time in all those years I was actually perhaps excited for the holidays. I wrapped gifts. I listened to Christmas music. Even the kids noticed, especially when their gifts weren't in the bags they came from the store in. Then the new year came along, generally a very anxiety filled time for me, reliving every moment of the last hospital stay Mel had and us finding out he was probably not going to survive. It's simply crazy that I had to search for my keys every day but those memories were embedded in my marrow. 

It suddenly occurred to me that maybe I had inadvertently, without seeking it, found my "new normal." I feel settled. I feel like all the parts of my life with Mel and all the memories I have are now woven into my soul, like the threads that are woven together to create a beautiful tapestry. I don't have to look for anything because IT became me. I don't have to worry about my kids not remembering their daddy, because he is woven into their souls just like he is in mine. The life and love we had will never disappear just because he died, all of those 13 years and 2 months have been gathered together and become a part of my innermost being. It makes me think of the song "It is Well With my Soul." My soul is at peace at last.

And I have learned too that grief does not go away. It also becomes woven into your soul. There are not stages of grief to "get through" and be done grieving. That's a myth. The truth is the sharp, stabbing pain of initial grief (that can last for years), does lessen. It's like the waves of the ocean. You can stand there and watch the waves rolling toward you, but you're still taken back when they knock you flat on your butt. Now I think I can stand at the ocean's edge and laugh when I get knocked down. It's still there, but it's not terrifying. 

I know where Mel is. He's in heaven, and I know on the day my Father brings me home, Mel will be there with Him to welcome me home. Daniel asked me a couple of weeks ago if I thought daddy and Sugar would be waiting for us when we got to heaven, and I exclaimed Of Course and he will be yelling at everyone, "look that's my son I've been telling you all about." And I really do believe it. 

Losing my Mom

I used to go to my mom with questions or problems. The only problem is that my mom is now 76 and her memory is not very good. I feel like I have lost a dear friend and a confidante, someone to help me sort through the thoughts that go through my head. I miss the mom I used to have, I mourn for her, I grieve for her. I still love the woman she has become, but sometimes she is a stranger to me.  A couple years ago she didn't remember my birthday. She no longer remembers a lot of things. It breaks my heart. I think "where did you go." Why can't life just stay the same. I am so tired of all the changes that come with getting older. Losing a husband, losing relatives, losing friends, and now losing my "old mom," the way I want her to be.

Why are there no life manuals to get us through these phases in our lives. Sometimes I wonder how God ever thought I was able to handle being a single parent. I have recently realized that I am now in another new phase of my life. Nicole is almost 16. She is starting to pull away from me. I know, I know that is the natural course of things, but does that mean I have to like it. I hope not because I don't like it, not one bit. I want to hold her close to me, keep her safe like I did when she was an infant swaddled in my lap. I hate trying to figure out the answers on my own. I wish Mel was here to help me. He was so calm about everything, and I am, well let's say, a little more high strung and impulsively act and speak at times. .

I want to go to my mom and ask her what to do. I want to go to her and cry my heart out, but that mom is gone. She can no longer bear for people to cry. She simply changes the subject. Maybe she is just sick and tired of hearing of me cry. I don't know. I don't know who to turn to. I want the wisdom of my mother. I want her to cradle me in her arms again, like I want to cradle Nicole in my arms. I don't want to let go of the people in my life. I just get comfortable and love my life the way it is, and then it changes and I have to learn to love a new life. It makes me tired. I'm lonely for adult companionship. I miss not having someone to talk to or go to for a hug, confirmation that I' doing okay, that I'm making the right decisions. I miss having a husband and the assurance that at least one other person in the world loves me just the way I am.

I always want God to answer me OUT LOUD. I get tired of His subtlety. I probably am just not a good listener. Or I just don't pay attention enough. Or I try to do things my way and screw them up and then ask God what He thinks.  Sometimes I feel like God plays hide 'n seek with me, now you see me, now you don't. I try to be faithful, I try to pray and find answers in His word. I would ask for patience, but I know better than that.

If there was one thing I could say to everyone it is love "your" people. Adult children and adult grandchildren, call your parents/grandparents. Keep them a part of your life as long as they are alive. All of us have busy lives, but really how long does a quick call take, a quick note to slip in the mail, a picture your kid/kids made at school that could be proudly displayed on a refrigerator, or an actual photo of them and you. These are the things that really matter to us. I still have photo magnets of my nieces at all different ages, playing all different sports on my refrigerator. It reminds me of times when we were all younger and it reminds me that life is passing by whether we like it or not. We owe the older generation of the people in our lives a debt of gratitude for the love they gave us and the sacrifices they made for us. Don't let them get older and be lonely too.

Grieving and Robin Williams

When I woke up this morning, I was lying in bed praying. I started praying for the new GriefShare group that will be starting in September and praying for the people who need to hear those messages will be blessed and find a deeper understanding of God's love. I then started thinking about the tragic suicide death of Robin Williams. I believe there is much to be learned from his LIFE, but most of all I was wondering if he was in the Lord's presence today. I also thought about all the people who lose loved ones, who to most of the world are just insignificant lives. But to me, and other grievers I know, when I lost my husband I wanted the whole world to grieve with me, as the world now grieves for the loss of Robin Williams. But the whole world didn't know my Mel, but to me and our kids he was EVERYTHING. We had people in "our" world surround us with love and compassion, but as the days passed by that number became fewer.  I know that people probably got weary of my tears, my anger and my fears, but I fervently thank God every day for the few important people who stood by my side and just let me grieve. You seen that's what people who are grieving really need. I didn't need or want answers from anyone but God, but I was so angry at Him that I wasn't ready to hear his answers. You see all I really needed was someone to hold me, let me scream, let me rant and rave, let me wail and just wipe my tears.

My advice for anyone who is close to someone who is grieving, just be THERE. Don't say "call me if you need anything." Grievers are far too fragile to take on that responsibility. Call them, show up unexpectedly, send a card, send a text telling them you are thinking of them and love them. If they have become single parents, offer some child care. Offer to go grocery shopping for them. When you are grieving the everyday tasks at hand become too much. Most of all just LISTEN and tell them how much you LOVE them. Last but not least PRAY for them, have your church pray for them, have your Facebook friends pray for them.

I am where I am today because of the people who did just that for me. I am healing (not healed). I can function pretty normally on most days. Some days I am so once again overwhelmed by grief that all I can do is lie in bed and weep (okay, so I don't weep, I don't do it that pretty).

Teach your children about grief. Teach them what to say to friends and family when a loved one has passed. A girl at school told Nicole "I know just how you feel, my dog died last week." Now I am not minimizing that girl's grief. I am a pet lover and I grieve deeply when I lose one of my four-legged friends. But Nicole was very offended, as was I, but that was the only comparison that girl had for grief on her level. So teach your kids, especially those becoming young adults what to say or do to help grieving friends.

Just a couple of weeks ago I received some sage advice. I was told that my kids need to be taught that life is not always pretty and the world isn't always fair. Are you KIDDING me? When Mel got sick, Nicole was 10 years old, Daniel was 1 year old. Sometimes while I was caring for Daniel, Nicole was caring for her dad. She learned to clean up vomit. She learned what his pain medicine looked like. She learned to hold her nose when fixing him corned beef hash, which he had a great craving for and she and I found so disgusting. She also learned to hold a pan for him while he vomited, all the while she had dry heaves. Try explaining to your now 5-year-old little boy where daddy's old body went (cremated). Try explaining to him how they burned his daddy's body up until all that was left was ashes. So I think my kids know a few things about life being unfair.

BUT they also know about God's love. They know that their Daddy is in Heaven with our Lord and Savior. They know he has a brand new body with no cancer in it, no scars on it, no open wound draining from his stomach. I Pray today that Robin Williams' family has that same comfort.

Still

I still look for you in a crowded room, in church or driving down the street
I still see your face in my dreams, in mind and in my heart
I still forget you are in heaven, my heart still misses a beat
I still remember things I need to tell you, then remember you're gone
I still look at our children and see you in their eyes
I still listen to them and hear your sayings and your laughter
I still remember how you stole my heart,how I stole yours right back, and you saying "I told you so"
I still turn to find you to comfort me, to hold me when I cry
I still know what it feels like to have your love, to have you in my life
I still say "I love you" when I think of you, which is almost always
I still and will always "Remember When"

Happy 3rd Birthday in Heaven Mel

Holidays and Grief

Well it has come to my attention that the holidays have arrived. I know, I know many of you are thinking Thanksgiving is long past. I know I'm late, okay!

This is my third holiday season since losing Mel. I don't know what it is about the holidays, but they certainly bring grief to the surface. Here are some holiday survival tips that I hope will encourage those of you who are grieving and will enlighten those of you who feel you are sitting by helplessly watching someone you love grieve.

1. You may find it easier to start new holiday traditions, rather than continue the traditions you shared with the loved one(s) you have lost. This is okay. It does NOT mean you do NOT remember. It means it is too painful for you to relive some of the things you did in your pre-grieving state.

2. There also may be some tranditions you feel the need to continue. We still hang Mel's stocking with ours. It makes us feel like a family.

3. If you are invited to a party, talk with the hostess and set up an escape plan in case you find you can't stay once you get it together enough to show up. Explain to him/her that it may simply be too difficult for you to engage in the festivities.

4. Have "life-lines" in place. We all have our "go-to" people. Let them know when you are having a hard time emotionally and what they can do to help. They don't know if you don't tell them.

5. This is an exhausting time of year when you are at your best. Take care of yourself. Rest when you need to, slow down during the day, have a cup of tea or a soda and relax. If you need to sleep, sleep.

6. Spend time with the Lord. Nothing renews the spirit and the heart like spending time reading His word or spending time in prayer.

For those of you who want to help but don't know what to do, here are some suggestions for you:

1. This is a good time to just be a good listener. Those of us who are grieving know that there are no answers on this earth to explain our loss. We really just need someone who will listen and accept what we are feeling even if you don't understand it. People who are grieving need the freedom to grieve in their own way and in their own time. God made each of us unique, and so each of us goes through this process differently than anybody else. There is no time table for grief.

2. Don't hesitate to invite us "grievers" to join in the holiday festivities, but DO let us set the limits on what we can or cannot handle. We may be able to come to a party or dinner and only stay half an hour. Please be understanding.

3. If we don't manage to make it to social events, invite us out for a cup of coffee, an ice cream, or whatever it is we usually do together. Sometimes being in a crowd is too uncomfortable for us, and we do better one-on-one with people we love.

4. If death has caused someone to be a single parent, offer to take his/her children for an hour, an afternoon, whatever you are able to commit to. This gives mom/dad time to shop for gifts, wraps gifts and maybe have a little bit of alone time. It is exhausting being a single parent.

5. Remember not everyone is surrounded by large, loving family at holidays. If you see someone, whether they are grieving or not, who is going to be alone during the holidays, by all means invite them to join you and your family. This is a great opportunity to witness to others, to build new friendships and to really reach out in a positive way.

6. If you see a need, offer to fill it. Sometimes it is too hard for people to ask for help with everything they suddenly find themselves needing help with.

I would just like to take the time now to thank everyone of you who have reached out to me and my kids and have helped make this walk through the "wilderness of grief" at least bearable. I would also like to say that the people you love who are grieving are not ever going to be "the same" as they were before they grieved the loss of someone very important to them. Grief changes us. That isn't necessarily a bad thing. If we are allowed to grieve in our own way, in our own time I truly believe that God can and does make us better, but we will also be different. That doesn't mean the "new us" doesn't need you. We just need you to let us become and be who God intends for us to be when we walk out of the valley of the shadow of death.

Merry Christmas and remember Jesus really is THE reason for the season.

Moving Forward

Today is a cold fall day. The changing of the seasons, the cycle of life moving through its changes. Time passes like it always has and always will until it is no more. I still long for the rapture and life on the New Earth that God has promised His believers.

I used to be so afraid of changes, or rather changing anything from the way it was when Mel was alive, but I now have purple highlighted hair, and I love it. I have also lost about 50 pounds since moving home. So changing, I am. I used to feel like I couldn't change anything or it would be a betrayal of Mel's memory or that I was moving on, leaving him in my past. Of course I have to move on, like it or not, and I know Mel would want me to, but I know that Mel will always be a huge part of my life. I don't have to lose that just because I lost him. My life has been forever changed, but I am learning to adjust to those changes. I know now that there are questions that I have that will probably never get answered until I meet Jesus. Probably then it won't matter anyway, for the bible says the things of this life will pass away. I still have to admit that the first person I want to see in heaven is Mel, so I hope Jesus lets him stand right next to Him so I can see them both at the same time. I can now see that as much as I love Mel, God loves him even more, but God loves me that much too. I no longer see Mel's moving to heaven as a punishment upon me from God. Most of the time I can see what a blessing it was for Mel, but my earthly selfishness still wishes he was with our family. I will never not miss him, and that's okay. He was the most important person in my life.

The past few weeks have been especially happy for me. I feel God's presence in my life again and hear Him answering my prayers. My life is so much "lighter" now, not so filled with pervasive darkness. My kids help keep me grounded, and they certainly make me laugh. They are growing up so fast. Mel would be so proud of them. They are both so smart and funny. They both have a lot of Mel in them. Their sense of humor, their compassion and love for others and their tender hearts.

I am getting ready to start leading GriefShare, and I am so excited that God has called me to this ministry. I feel like if I can help other hurting people, then Mel's death will have meant something good. I pray that God gives me the wisdom and the knowledge that I am going to need to lead this group. I can't wait to meet the new people He will be bringing into my life. I know that some of them will be lifelong friends, and that I will probably never forget any of them or their stories. I do know that a miracle of healing can take place in a room full of hurting people. Maybe someone will be led to give their life to Christ during the 13 weeks that we meet and pray together.

My life is good. I still get lonely for the intimate companionship that I had with Mel. I miss his gentleness, his kindness, his teasing, his laughter and his love. I miss looking in his eyes and seeing his love for me reflected in them, but I know now that I am going to live without him right here. The only way to heal from loss is to walk right through the crashing, dark waves of grief that come wave after wave after wave and at times seem unrelenting. I know that dark days do turn into days of light, that tears can turn to laughter. I also know that the crashing waves of grief can still strike at any time and usually without warning. I know that I will always have days that are dark with grief and missing Mel and longing for him, but now I know that they don't last forever, the light will shine again and I will be happy again. I still wish I was part of a "couple", that is the hardest part of my path to accept, that I am not married. It still just takes my breath away that one minute I was a wife, and then with the exhaling of Mel's last breath I became a widow. I still hate that word. I prefer husbandless wife, but there is no check box for that on any form I have to fill out.

So I am moving on, be it ever so slowly at times. I look forward to doing new things. I know that it is a miracle that God has brought me to this day, or maybe it's more of a miracle that I let Him get me here. Either way I am grateful for where my life is right now and the fact that I know it will keep getting better. Maybe I am finding my "new normal" after all. I don't hate it as much as I used to. I am learning to accept that even this part of my life was God's will and that He knew about before I was even born, so I'm thinking He might actually know what He's doing. However, I would still like a neon sign on my front lawn telling me what He is doing and why, I hating waiting to see how it's going to play out, but I know there is a plan and a purpose.

Love and thankfulness to all of you who have walked beside me, every step of the way, part of the way or in any way. All of you have played a part in my healing. Thanks to God for bringing each one of you to me exactly when I needed you.

Three Years Later

Three years ago today we received the news we had feared the most. We found out that Mel had kidney cancer, a very rare form of it, and it was already stage IV. I guess I've come a long way since that day. I've come from being curled up in a ball, on a cold hard linoleum floor in the doctor's office, sobbing into my cell phone telling my sister the news. At least now I am upright at my computer and not lying on a filthy bathroom floor.

I remember being scared to death. I remember telling Mel that our lives would never be the same again. I'm still scared, and our lives have changed. Mel lives in heaven now, and now I am a single mother and a widow. I remember the look on Nicole's precious face when we told her how sick her daddy was, and I also remember the look of amazement and utter shock on her face just a day and a half before the end of Mel's life on earth when she said "Mommy maybe this is the way God is going to heal daddy, by taking him to heaven with him". I remember being happy that she could look at it that way, when all I could do was scream inside my head "don't you dare take him from me God".

I remember a few days after Mel's memorial service and Daniel stamping his little baby foot and yelling at me "I don't care where my daddy is, I want him back right now". One of my fears was that Daniel would never remember his daddy. The other day we were driving down the road, and Daniel started yelling "mommy, mommy turn here. I remember going to that place with Daddy, and we had so much fun". It was Burger King, but Praise God Daniel remembered.

I remember how scary it was taking care of Mel, especially as his cancer advanced. I remember setting my alarm to go off every two hours 24/7 to give him pain medication so he wouldn't be in needless pain. I remember stopping at a store on our way to the hospital in Denver to get plastic bags for him to vomit in. The man gave me a whole rack full so we would always have them in the car. I remember having to take care of Daniel, and Nicole would have to step in and help Mel. I can still see her holding a bucket for him to vomit in, and she would have her head turned the other way having dry heaves. We both learned how easy it is to do the terribly hard things you have to do to care for someone you love so much. A day never ended that Mel didn't tell us how much he loved us and thanked us for taking care of him. He was so humble and full of grace even then. I remember it made me love him more than I ever had.

I remember the surgeon telling us what a success his surgery was, and that she was sure she had gotten the cancer, only to learn six weeks later that wasn't the case. In fact the cancer had been found in other areas and organs of his body. I remember the betrayal I felt, and I was so angry at that surgeon for telling us what she had. I wrote her a letter about a year after Mel died expressing this to her. To my surprise she answered me back and apologized for having hurt me like that, and that she was going to reevaluate the way she presented news to patients and their families. I felt validated. She is, in fact, a very skillful and extremely competent surgeon.

I remember Daniel napping with Mel every day. It was so precious for me to watch the two of them resting together so peacefully and Daniel feeling so loved by his daddy. Then they would play trucks, sometimes in bed if Mel was too sick or weak to get up.

I remember Mel's son (my stepson) Aaron coming and sitting with Mel every evening before he went to work. I felt safe with Aaron there with me. This was the last week of Mel's life, and I was so frightened every day seeing Mel decline further. When Aaron went to work my friend Deanna came to be with me. Now I have such a love and devotion to Aaron and his wife Tina and our precious granddaughters, Megan and Peyton, and my love for Deanna has grown too.

I remember feeling like I would never smile or laugh again. I remember feeling like I lived in a black cloud. I remember feeling so hopeless, so helpless, but having all the faith in the world that God would heal Mel. Now I can see that God did heal Mel, and He is still healing me. And guess what I can laugh now, sometimes until I cry.

So three years later, I can start to see the little and big miracles that have happened since July 22, 2009. I am blessed to be a mother to Nicole and Daniel, and I am so blessed to have been loved by my Mel. There was never a time in our 14 years together that I didn't know that he loved me and treasured me and all that we had together. Some people never have that at all, so I try to be really thankful that I was lucky enough to have it all.

Nicole was almost 11 and Daniel nearly 3 when we lost Mel. This year Nicole will be a freshman at Swallows Charter Academy, and Daniel will be in kindergarten at PSAS. Such changes in their lives. I still think it's unfair they have to grow up without their daddy. They have grown so much. I don't know what I will do with all the time I'm going to have free while they are gone.

My church has asked me to work with another lady in leading a GriefShare group. I have attended this 12 week group twice. I feel honored that other people think I can be a help to others who are grieving. I had been praying for God to show me a way to help others to go through what I've gone through. As the old childhood taunt says "it takes one to know one". I really feel like in helping others something good can come out of losing Mel, and I know he would be proud of me.

Thank you God for all Your blessings and for loving me even when I held hatred in my heart towards You. I love you Father for taking care of me and showing me every day that You are there for my little family, and because of You I will see my precious Mel again. What a gift, what a God!!