Snowflakes

Some days are so swirly or blurry.  I know that sounds strange, but sometimes my mind feels like the snowflakes that have been falling for two days.  The past couple months have been really difficult.  It has been like I have been living through the few months leading to Mel's death all over again.  For instance, I remember that Christmas dinner was really the last meal that Mel ever ate, and he lived till February 20.  During that time he would drink a milkshake or some ice cream and drink some liquids but that was about it.  I was so worried about him.  He was also having significantly more pain, which I hated.  I couldn't bear to see him hurting.  It was so hard for Daniel to understand why Mel couldn't play with him and pick him up like before. 

My mind also goes to Daniel, and I think how Daniel never knew Mel when he was well.  Daniel was 13 months old when Mel had his heart attack in May 2009.  It was just about seven weeks after the heart attack that he started showing symptoms of the kidney cancer.  I think back to how elated we were when Daniel's adoption went through.  I sometimes wonder why God took away the only daddy Daniel will ever have after He had blessed us with Daniel and took him from being an orphan and then take his daddy away.  I guess I will never know this answer.  I have come to some peace in realizing that at least I will have a child at home for at least another 14 years, since Daniel is almost four. 

Mel was an over the road truck driver when Daniel was placed in our home.  Daniel was three weeks old when Mel finally got to see him in person.  That was pretty much the end of Mel's truck driving career.  He also had started not feeling well around that time.  The doctor had done many tests and could not find anything wrong.  In thinking back I wonder if that was really the beginning of his cancer symptoms.

When Mel quit driving truck, he took a job working nights at a plant in Pueblo.  He would come home in the early morning and sleep until about 10:00 a.m. when Daniel was ready to take his first nap.  Mel would get up and change and dress Daniel and feed him a bottle.  When Daniel was born he was born with cocaine and marijuana in his system, which caused him to have a lot of stomach problems.  His little tummy would get so hard and his body would start to shake. He had to be tightly swaddled all the time to control his withdrawal shakes and pat his bottom and his back to help his tummy.  Mel had a special way of laying Daniel across his chest and patting his back to get him to sleep for his naps.  After that Daniel would never nap for me, only for his daddy, but he would let me put him down at night when his daddy was at work.  It was so cute to watch Mel, who was so big, and Daniel who was so tiny when he came to us.  I am glad they had that special bond together, and in hindsight I am so thankful that Mel quit driving truck when he did.  It allowed us all more time together, but most importantly Daniel got to bond with a daddy who adored him.

These are some pictures I had taken as a gift to Mel when he met Daniel.  Daniel was two weeks old in the pictures and so tiny and precious.  Sorry I couldn't figure out how to rotate them.