Since losing Mel I have found out that I can never have my old life back. His death means finding a new way for me and my kids and somehow a new, unimaginable, scary life. It scares me in the dark corners of my mind to think of living without him. I still can't quite wrap my mind around my life without Mel. There are still days when I simply can only "breathe" for a minute at a time. Grief can overtake you in an instant. I'm trying to learn to love and trust God again. It's good He knows what's going on with me because some days I have no clue. It's so hard to not have a shoulder to lean on like you do when you are married. I never thought grief would be so all-consuming at times, and I never expected the degree of anger that comes with it.
When I was trying to get us all ready to move to Washington, one night I put the kids to bed, then went to the garage to clean out the car and start to pack it for the longest, loneliest trip of my life. I remember sitting in that car for over two hours. I was screaming so hard and so long that I finally lost my voice. I was so, so mad at God for what had happened with Mel. I remember screaming over and over, how could you do this to me after I have loved you so much, after we trusted you so much and after waiting so long for Mel to come into my life that I had to lose him first. My siblings had all had families long before I did, and selfish as it sounds I was so outraged that out of all the things in the world I got to be first at was losing my spouse. Boy I sure didn't feel privileged to have that slap in the face. On the other hand I would never wish this on my brother or sister or their spouses to live through. I have had many of these screaming matches with God over the past few years. They started even before Mel died. I was furious that God would allow him to have cancer and force us to walk that path of darkness. And, yes they continue today, just not as often.
I tell everyone I know now that when you are lucky enough to find someone who absolutely adores you, would do anything for you, would lay down their own life for you to hold onto that person as tightly as you can, show love to them every chance you get, say I Love You every single day at least once, to be loving and kind even if at that moment you don't feel like it, because I have found that those chances run through your fingers like the sand in an hour glass, and there are no more. I also tell them that most of the things we resist or argue about in a marriage really do not matter and certainly are not important enough to be mad at each other over. Show mercy and grace to the people you love, and they will show it right back to you, and you will be so richly blessed by just letting the small stuff slide. It's usually the small stuff that people get stuck on in a relationship, and at the end of the day does it really matter if the toilet seat is up or down, the toothpaste cap is on, or whatever it is the person you profess to love the most does that annoys the heck out of you. Choose love in those moments because they will end one day. Be best friends with the mate you choose for life. They are the people who should know us better than we know ourselves and still love us!!!
Many people have told me what a difference I made in Mel's life and the changes that I made in his life. The truth is he made those changes for me. He melted my heart that had been hardened by many failed relationships, deceptions and lies by people who professed to love me. The changes we made together were changes that happened because God made us ready at the very moment that we met to know that we would have that kind of love and friendship. I never told Mel to get a hair cut, dress nicer or any of other things his mom credited me with. He did all of that on his own, because he wanted to, because he was ready to give up his old way of life. I also made changes because I was tired of living the life I had been, and Mel was important enough to me to make those changes. We can never change another human being but God can, and while He is doing it the best thing you can do is shut up and show mercy, grace, and love to that person.
The things I can still thank God for are my marriage, the wonderful husband he gifted me with and the two most awesome kids in the world. People used to think we were crazy having kids when we did because of our ages, but I know now that God knew better than anyone that one day having our kids would literally save my life and give me the strength and courage I would need when I lost Mel to somehow go on with life and try to make a new life, because my old life is forever over.
The day I left Colorado was one of the most horribly, sickening, nightmarish days of my life. I was leaving everything I knew and had. I had lost my husband, I was losing my church family, I was losing my friends, and leaving behind my parents who had gotten me through the hardest years of my life. I also was losing the home that Mel and I built with love and joy to foreclosure. When I left that morning, April 30, 2011, I told everyone I was going to drive to Missoula, Montana the first day, about a 17 hour drive. My parents were worried about me driving that far, but I knew if I was going to leave my home and old life behind, I would have to get so far away from it and be so exhausted when I stopped for the night, that there would be no way I could turn away and go back home.
The next day, May 1, 2011, the most beautiful sight in the world to me was my sister waiting in her pickup just outside of Odessa waiting for our arrival. I had never been so happy to see someone I loved in my whole life. She took us to see our house, she had made a welcome sign for the door and had a vase full of daffodils to welcome us. I love my sister so much and I will never forget seeing you on the side of the road meeting me to start the hardest journey I would ever take, making a life for myself without my precious Mel.
Thursday, March 22, 2012
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
Rylee and things before and in between
Last week (March 14) our precious Daniel turned 4 years old. It makes me sad that he no longer has any resemblance of a baby. I have been baby crazy since I was old enough to know what a baby was. I never had any aspirations to really "be" anything when I was growing up, but I always knew I wanted to have babies and lots of them. I remember when I was 10 my Aunt Bonnie had their third child, Molly. I remember Lois and I were actually pretty mad at mom because she wouldn't have a baby too. Aunt Bonnie let us "share" Molly. She was kind of a community baby between our two families, and I think she was greatly loved and adored by all of us. I remember Aunt Bonnie letting me feed her bottles and help her bathe Molly. I remember the baby shower my mom had for her. She got a bassinet and it had a big stork in it. My mom's other sister Merle also had a baby the year Molly was born, Amy, and a couple years before that she had Matthew. They lived in Utah. When Matthew was a baby they came to Colorado to visit us. Aunt Merle let me help her do anything with Matthew. I even changed his cloth diapers. I remember one day we were having a barbecue outside and Aunt Merle asked me to check on Matthew, he was napping. When I went to check on him, he was awake so I got him up and changed his diaper. I was trying to be very careful with the diaper pins, but I stuck his stomach with one of them. I remember thinking very clearly that his belly was going to probably pop open and everyone would know that I had hurt him. I was crying, and Aunt Merle came to see what was taking me so long and if I needed help. When I told her I had "stabbed" Matthew's tummy, she hugged me so tight and assured me she had done the same thing many times over the years and none of her babies had ever exploded from it.
When Lois and Pete got married and had their first daughter, I felt a love I had NEVER felt before in my life. My precious, beautiful Carrie was the world to me, but then I found out, just like parents do, that with every baby born your love just grows beyond measure to encompass all of them. I felt the same way when Beth was born and then Jennie. By the time Jennie was born, Lois and Pete had moved to Washington and I was so sad that I wasn't able to see her right away. Growing up I always imagined Lois and I living in the same town and having babies together like my mom and her sister Bonnie did. Our cousins were our best friends.
Carrie now is a mother herself of one very precious beautiful boy named Rece. He is so adorably cute. The way he holds his head in some of the pictures you just know he is thinking "hmmm".
Beth is a mother now too. She has Austin who is going to be 3 on May 1. He is a funny, hilarious, loving, kind little boy. He loves his Grammie so much. She cares for him when Beth is working as a nurse, and boy does he get cared for and filled with love every day he spends with his Grammie. Sometimes I think he would prefer her over his mommy, but just for a little while. Last week, March 15, Beth and Jason welcomed a precious new baby girl into this world. Her name is Rylee Marie (her middle name is after her Grammie and Lois's grammie). She is so beautiful, but man I'm glad I didn't have to deliver her. Beth is a tough one. Ms. Rylee weighed in at 9 pounds 2.4 ounces and 21-1/2 inches long of all beautiful baby. I feel so blessed to live here and to have been able to see her before she was 24 hours old. Jennie is a student Virginia Commonwealth University working on her masters degree. She hopes one day to be an athletic director for a pro team. She's got what it takes. She was an awesome pitcher and fast pitch softball player. Years ago her team from Moses Lake went to a big fast pitch softball tournament in Colorado. Mel and I and Nicole along with my parents and my brother's girls all went and stayed in Denver to watch her play. Lois and Beth had driven from Washington to be there. That was pretty awesome and Jennie wowed a lot of people with her athletic abilities.
My brother Andy and his wife Corinne are the parents of two absolutely compassionate, kind, loving daughters. Amanda is 21 and Cora is 20. Amanda is in college waiting to hear if she gets into nursing school. She is a straight A student as well as working full time as a nurse's assistant at the VA Nursing Home. She loves her patients, and I know they have to adore her. She has a heart bigger than she is. Cora is a customer service representative for a small airport in their hometown of Rifle, Colorado. She has been nominated as customer service representative of the year in Pro Pilot magazine. I for one think she deserves the honor. Cora couldn't be mean to anyone if she had to be. She is a very sweet spirit. One of the coolest things about these girls is their love and comittment to Jesus Christ. They both serve in various ministries in their church. I also think it is cool that they were home-schooled, and it simply shows that home-schooled kids are learning at the equivalent or higher than publicly educated kids. This is a testament to their parents, especially their mom who made the sacrifice and comittment to teach her girls at home.
So last week was Daniel's birthday, his second one without his daddy. It makes me sad. Last year I just had a party for both Daniel and Nicole on Mel's birthday, March 29, which was in between both of their birthdays, Nicole's is April 19. But then the very next day Rylee was born, another miracle, a new life a gift for God. Lois and Pete are such sweet grandparents. It is joyous to see them with their grandchildren and the love they have for them. That's when it occurred to me that Mel and I will never be able to share the love of grandchildren between us. Mel's older son and daughter both have children. Aaron's are especially special in my heart, and I had the chance to take care of their oldest daughter Megan for a whole school year. The things she did still make me laugh. However, I would have loved for Mel and I to see Colie's babies and maybe Daniel's.
So all in all in the sadness and in between there is a lot of joy. I am just thankful that in some small way I can be a part of Rylee, Austin and Sarina's lives, along with my sweet Bethie and her Jason and watch my sister glow with "Grammiehood" and Pete with his sweet and gentle nature that he extends to every kid he is around. These people love my kids and me, and that is after all what life is all about.
When Lois and Pete got married and had their first daughter, I felt a love I had NEVER felt before in my life. My precious, beautiful Carrie was the world to me, but then I found out, just like parents do, that with every baby born your love just grows beyond measure to encompass all of them. I felt the same way when Beth was born and then Jennie. By the time Jennie was born, Lois and Pete had moved to Washington and I was so sad that I wasn't able to see her right away. Growing up I always imagined Lois and I living in the same town and having babies together like my mom and her sister Bonnie did. Our cousins were our best friends.
Carrie now is a mother herself of one very precious beautiful boy named Rece. He is so adorably cute. The way he holds his head in some of the pictures you just know he is thinking "hmmm".
Beth is a mother now too. She has Austin who is going to be 3 on May 1. He is a funny, hilarious, loving, kind little boy. He loves his Grammie so much. She cares for him when Beth is working as a nurse, and boy does he get cared for and filled with love every day he spends with his Grammie. Sometimes I think he would prefer her over his mommy, but just for a little while. Last week, March 15, Beth and Jason welcomed a precious new baby girl into this world. Her name is Rylee Marie (her middle name is after her Grammie and Lois's grammie). She is so beautiful, but man I'm glad I didn't have to deliver her. Beth is a tough one. Ms. Rylee weighed in at 9 pounds 2.4 ounces and 21-1/2 inches long of all beautiful baby. I feel so blessed to live here and to have been able to see her before she was 24 hours old. Jennie is a student Virginia Commonwealth University working on her masters degree. She hopes one day to be an athletic director for a pro team. She's got what it takes. She was an awesome pitcher and fast pitch softball player. Years ago her team from Moses Lake went to a big fast pitch softball tournament in Colorado. Mel and I and Nicole along with my parents and my brother's girls all went and stayed in Denver to watch her play. Lois and Beth had driven from Washington to be there. That was pretty awesome and Jennie wowed a lot of people with her athletic abilities.
My brother Andy and his wife Corinne are the parents of two absolutely compassionate, kind, loving daughters. Amanda is 21 and Cora is 20. Amanda is in college waiting to hear if she gets into nursing school. She is a straight A student as well as working full time as a nurse's assistant at the VA Nursing Home. She loves her patients, and I know they have to adore her. She has a heart bigger than she is. Cora is a customer service representative for a small airport in their hometown of Rifle, Colorado. She has been nominated as customer service representative of the year in Pro Pilot magazine. I for one think she deserves the honor. Cora couldn't be mean to anyone if she had to be. She is a very sweet spirit. One of the coolest things about these girls is their love and comittment to Jesus Christ. They both serve in various ministries in their church. I also think it is cool that they were home-schooled, and it simply shows that home-schooled kids are learning at the equivalent or higher than publicly educated kids. This is a testament to their parents, especially their mom who made the sacrifice and comittment to teach her girls at home.
So last week was Daniel's birthday, his second one without his daddy. It makes me sad. Last year I just had a party for both Daniel and Nicole on Mel's birthday, March 29, which was in between both of their birthdays, Nicole's is April 19. But then the very next day Rylee was born, another miracle, a new life a gift for God. Lois and Pete are such sweet grandparents. It is joyous to see them with their grandchildren and the love they have for them. That's when it occurred to me that Mel and I will never be able to share the love of grandchildren between us. Mel's older son and daughter both have children. Aaron's are especially special in my heart, and I had the chance to take care of their oldest daughter Megan for a whole school year. The things she did still make me laugh. However, I would have loved for Mel and I to see Colie's babies and maybe Daniel's.
So all in all in the sadness and in between there is a lot of joy. I am just thankful that in some small way I can be a part of Rylee, Austin and Sarina's lives, along with my sweet Bethie and her Jason and watch my sister glow with "Grammiehood" and Pete with his sweet and gentle nature that he extends to every kid he is around. These people love my kids and me, and that is after all what life is all about.
Wednesday, March 14, 2012
The Day Daniel was Born
Four years ago today, our day started just like any other. Mel was driving truck and was somewhere in California. Nicole and I got ready to go to home school co-op for the day. Little did we know that March 14, 2008, our lives would be wonderfully changed.
Mel and I had been certified foster parents for about three years and praying constantly for a newborn baby to be placed in our home with the hopes of adopting. Every time we got a call from our child placement agency we would start praying about that baby, and we were very specific that we only wanted a baby that would be ours forever. We had two couples in our church whom we would call every time we got a call, and they would also pray specifically for that with us.
When Nicole and I got home from school, we had an urgent message to call our child placement agency. They had a placement and wanted to know if we would be interested. I called them right away and our caseworker Cheryl told us about a baby boy who had been born early that morning to a mom that was addicted to drugs, was on parole, had already lost custody of two other children and was most likely going back to prison since she had tested positive for cocaine and marijuana when she delivered the baby she named Dustin. I was so excited but tried to keep it low key for Nicole's sake. I didn't want her to get her hopes up in case it didn't turn out. I called Mel and our prayer friends and we all started praying.
Five o'clock came and went with no call from the state social worker. Nicole and I went to have dinner with my parents. When we got home, there was a message on our phone from the state social worker Melissa. She wanted me to call her on her cell phone. When I called her, she told me that the court order had already been signed for "Dustin" to be placed in the state's custody. She assured me since it was a Friday that nothing would happen until at least Monday, but as far as she knew Dustin would be coming home from the hospital to our home.
That night I decided I better get a few supplies in, just in case this was for real. I still hadn't told Nicole, but off we went to the store to buy some lotion, wipes, diapers, just the bare necessities. Pretty soon Nicole wondered by I would be buying baby supplies. I finally told her that there was just a slight possibility we might be getting a baby. When we got home, I decided I would go ahead and take down the bunk beds we had in our spare bedroom and set up the crib. Mel kept calling to see what I knew. We were so excited, but still guarded, about this baby. The circumstances surrounding his birth and his biological mother seemed to be in our favor.
Sunday morning Nicole and I were getting ready for church when the phone rang. It was Dustin's social worker calling to tell me that the doctor taking care of him in the hospital had called her and told her that even though he was very small (4 lbs 6 ounces), he was very healthy and needed to be placed in a home as soon as possible so he could start bonding. She was calling to tell me she would be at our house a little after noon with "our" baby. When I got off the phone and told Nicole she dropped to her knees with tears streaming down her little face and just kept repeating "Thank you Jesus, thank you Jesus". Nicole had longed for a baby brother or sister since she was four years old.
Now that we knew Dustin was coming home to us we hit the store big time buying baby boy outfits, tiny diapers, bottles, pacifiers, everything we could think of, and then we went home and started the longest wait of our lives.
It started to snow and I prayed for Melissa to have safe travel picking Dustin up from the hospital and traveling to our house. It seemed like forever. As soon as I saw a car in the driveway, I went flying out the door to meet Melissa and help her get everything in the house. She gave me the baby in his car seat. It was so light I was afraid she had forgotten the baby. When we got in the house, Nicole was just dying to see him. The nurses at the little hospital were he was born had gone to the Family Dollar store, the only store in the town he was born, and bought him a little green t-shirt, a little pair of green pants, some booties and Melissa had bought him two Winnie the Pooh blankets.
When we unwrapped him, I just started to cry. It felt just like it had when Nicole had been placed in my arms for the first time. I couldn't wait for Melissa to leave. As soon as she did, Nicole and I undressed him, counted all his fingers and toes. He was so tiny. His legs were so scrawny, just skin and bones. We changed his diaper and got him changed into one of the new outfits we had bought him. He had a fuzzy little head with red hair on it. We took pictures on my cell phone to send to Mel and called him and told him our baby was home. We called him peanut because he was so tiny. He would be three weeks old before his daddy got to see him. I have to say I was kind of glad because I got to just have him all to myself, or so I thought. I hadn't taken "Little Momma" into account when I had those visions.
As soon as we got him dressed up, we loaded him in the car to take him to meet my parents. They could not believe how tiny he was and how precious he was. We all took turns holding him. Nicole sat in her little wooden rocking chair and rocked him and sang to him. What a glorious day.
Mel and I were always in such awe that out of all the parents in the world who can't have a baby of their own for whatever reason and waited so long for a newborn baby, and out of all those parents God chose us to be Daniel's parents. We were so tremendously blessed. Our family was now complete.
I think the smiles say it all.
Mel and I had been certified foster parents for about three years and praying constantly for a newborn baby to be placed in our home with the hopes of adopting. Every time we got a call from our child placement agency we would start praying about that baby, and we were very specific that we only wanted a baby that would be ours forever. We had two couples in our church whom we would call every time we got a call, and they would also pray specifically for that with us.
When Nicole and I got home from school, we had an urgent message to call our child placement agency. They had a placement and wanted to know if we would be interested. I called them right away and our caseworker Cheryl told us about a baby boy who had been born early that morning to a mom that was addicted to drugs, was on parole, had already lost custody of two other children and was most likely going back to prison since she had tested positive for cocaine and marijuana when she delivered the baby she named Dustin. I was so excited but tried to keep it low key for Nicole's sake. I didn't want her to get her hopes up in case it didn't turn out. I called Mel and our prayer friends and we all started praying.
Five o'clock came and went with no call from the state social worker. Nicole and I went to have dinner with my parents. When we got home, there was a message on our phone from the state social worker Melissa. She wanted me to call her on her cell phone. When I called her, she told me that the court order had already been signed for "Dustin" to be placed in the state's custody. She assured me since it was a Friday that nothing would happen until at least Monday, but as far as she knew Dustin would be coming home from the hospital to our home.
That night I decided I better get a few supplies in, just in case this was for real. I still hadn't told Nicole, but off we went to the store to buy some lotion, wipes, diapers, just the bare necessities. Pretty soon Nicole wondered by I would be buying baby supplies. I finally told her that there was just a slight possibility we might be getting a baby. When we got home, I decided I would go ahead and take down the bunk beds we had in our spare bedroom and set up the crib. Mel kept calling to see what I knew. We were so excited, but still guarded, about this baby. The circumstances surrounding his birth and his biological mother seemed to be in our favor.
Sunday morning Nicole and I were getting ready for church when the phone rang. It was Dustin's social worker calling to tell me that the doctor taking care of him in the hospital had called her and told her that even though he was very small (4 lbs 6 ounces), he was very healthy and needed to be placed in a home as soon as possible so he could start bonding. She was calling to tell me she would be at our house a little after noon with "our" baby. When I got off the phone and told Nicole she dropped to her knees with tears streaming down her little face and just kept repeating "Thank you Jesus, thank you Jesus". Nicole had longed for a baby brother or sister since she was four years old.
Now that we knew Dustin was coming home to us we hit the store big time buying baby boy outfits, tiny diapers, bottles, pacifiers, everything we could think of, and then we went home and started the longest wait of our lives.
It started to snow and I prayed for Melissa to have safe travel picking Dustin up from the hospital and traveling to our house. It seemed like forever. As soon as I saw a car in the driveway, I went flying out the door to meet Melissa and help her get everything in the house. She gave me the baby in his car seat. It was so light I was afraid she had forgotten the baby. When we got in the house, Nicole was just dying to see him. The nurses at the little hospital were he was born had gone to the Family Dollar store, the only store in the town he was born, and bought him a little green t-shirt, a little pair of green pants, some booties and Melissa had bought him two Winnie the Pooh blankets.
When we unwrapped him, I just started to cry. It felt just like it had when Nicole had been placed in my arms for the first time. I couldn't wait for Melissa to leave. As soon as she did, Nicole and I undressed him, counted all his fingers and toes. He was so tiny. His legs were so scrawny, just skin and bones. We changed his diaper and got him changed into one of the new outfits we had bought him. He had a fuzzy little head with red hair on it. We took pictures on my cell phone to send to Mel and called him and told him our baby was home. We called him peanut because he was so tiny. He would be three weeks old before his daddy got to see him. I have to say I was kind of glad because I got to just have him all to myself, or so I thought. I hadn't taken "Little Momma" into account when I had those visions.
As soon as we got him dressed up, we loaded him in the car to take him to meet my parents. They could not believe how tiny he was and how precious he was. We all took turns holding him. Nicole sat in her little wooden rocking chair and rocked him and sang to him. What a glorious day.
Mel and I were always in such awe that out of all the parents in the world who can't have a baby of their own for whatever reason and waited so long for a newborn baby, and out of all those parents God chose us to be Daniel's parents. We were so tremendously blessed. Our family was now complete.
Sunday, March 4, 2012
The Christ Connection
Since becoming a "practicing born-again Christian" the season of lent leading up to Easter is one of my favorite times of the year. I like to look back and see what Jesus himself was doing during his final days on earth. I have not always been a "born-again" Christian. My mother comes from a Mormon background and my dad comes from a Catholic background. What a mix huh? My mom and dad raised us kids in the Catholic faith. I remember being very afraid of God as a child and trying to remember which sins were worse than other sins so I would know exactly what to say in confession. I also remember feeling like a bride on my First Holy Communion with my beautiful white dress, white patent leather shoes and white socks with lace and the white veil my mom made me. I still have that dress and veil and my white rosary and white prayer book. You see they are treasures from my past.
Once I graduated from high school I rarely, if ever, went to church. Usually only went if someone invited me or my granny wanted someone to take her. I was living the single life in Pueblo, CO, indulging in many vices of the flesh and mind, which I now know was offensive to God. I knew it then, but because of the doctrines I remembered from my childhood, I felt that God would never forgive me of all the sins I had committed. I certainly did not feel worthy of God's forgiveness. I figured since there was no hope for me I would just continue living the way I had been, in sin so deep that it almost cost me my life.
I experienced a life-changing event in my mid-20s when my cousin Lori took me to a Lowell Lundstrem crusade and the college in Pueblo. I remember very clearly wanting what those people had to offer. They told me it DID NOT MATTER TO GOD WHAT I HAD DONE, THAT HE HAD DIED EVEN FOR ME. I went forward at the altar call and accepted Jesus Christ as my personal savior. I became a "born-again" Christian. This didn't mean, however, that my life changed that night. I continued in my sinful ways, created more chaos in my life and in my family with every decision I made. I had people all over the place picking up the pieces for me so I could continue down the path I had chosen.
When it was dark, and I was very alone and lonely, I remember rationalizing with God that so what if I didn't live the life I had claimed as mine when I accepted Him into my life. I used to tell myself that I would just wait to fully embrace the saving grace of Jesus Christ until my deathbed when He would ask me what I chose and I would say "I choose you Lord". I look back now, and I think what a pathetic, damaged, heart-broken person I was to use that kind of logic. I would picture myself lying in the wreckage of a wrecked car knowing my end was near and calling out to Jesus.
You know I had it partly right. The moment I asked Jesus Christ into my heart, I became His child, NO MATTER WHAT I HAD DONE OR CONTINUED TO DO. I had asked him to forgive me of my sins, and in my head I knew that he had. I just took the "easy way our" or continued to do what was so familiar to me. When I think if the years I lost truly being a Child of God I am ashamed, but I know God forgives me even for that.
When I was in my late 20s I started attending church regularly. At first I went to the Catholic church because it was familiar and "safe" to me. It was what I had always known. Then my cousin Debra and her husband Ron moved to Pueblo from Iowa to be pastors. Ron became assistant pastor at Broadway Christian Church in Pueblo, CO, and they invited me to join them there. I was in LOVE. I loved the music. I loved hear the sermons recited RIGHT OUT OF THE BIBLE and scripture reference made so I could "check it and make sure the pastor was right". It wasn't until my 30th birthday that I really started taking my Christianity seriously.
I quit dating for the sake of dating. I told God I wanted to be married and have a family. I so desperately wanted to be a mom. I still sinned and do to this day. I don't always say things the right way, but I am passionate about Jesus and my faith. It took me 25 years to totally feel forgiven for some of the sins I had committed as a young adult. I knew in my head that I was forgiven, but it took a lot longer to make the "heart connection". I quit going to clubs to dance and drink and scan the place for eligible partners. I wasn't very good at that anyway!!
When I was 35 I decided that God was probably not going to round me up a husband, so I took on a 3rd job. I had decided to save money to adopt a baby girl from China. I didn't even pray about it. I just decided I was going to do it. See I still to this day have trouble seeking God's will before I try to tell Him what my will is and try to command Him to do my will. A year later Mel was brought into my life. He was 10 years older than me, and I really liked that. He was mature and didn't play games with my mind. I told him where I stood with Jesus when we first met. He told me that he had prayed for God to send him a "lady friend" to just have as a friend and a companion for movies or going out to eat. That was fine with me. I didn't mind being a lady friend, especially since he treated me like a lady. The first man in my life for a very long time who did. When I met Mel he was a beer drinker of very, shall we say, large proportion. I told him that I would never live with another alcoholic in my lifetime, that once was enough. He made a promise to me to quit drinking, and he did. We went to church together. We did laundry together at my house on Sunday's after church. We rode on his motorcycle. We went to movies. Somewhere along the line I found myself madly in love with him.
When we got married, we kind of got into the habit of "not going" to church. I got pregnant with Nicole only eight months after we married, and I was so sick for four months that the only place I went in the mornings was to work. When we had Nicole, though, our Pastor from Broadway, who married us, came to visit us in the hospital, and I have to say he appropriately oohed and aahed over our beautiful baby. Then some ladies whom I had been friends with at church came to visit. Mel and I decided that we needed to be in church, and that we had to absolutely commit to Jesus and His teachings and raise up our daughter that way. We wanted her to know that she was absolutely adored by God and that He would only want good things for her. We knew we wanted to raise her in the church and to learn about God through His word and teachings.
A lot of people tell me that I changed Mel. I never asked him to change for me. I was more than thrilled that he quit drinking, I didn't care whether or not he cut his hair or rode a motorcycle. I was smart enough to know that God had brought us into each other's lives at a time when both of us were ready for Him to work in us, for us to give the up the desires of the flesh and to follow Him and be committed to Him.
I know and love a lot of people who go to different churches. Most of them are my family. I am not here to judge what church they go to, but I know these things for certain:
1. You have to humble yourself at the cross and ASK Jesus Christ to come dwell within you through the Holy Spirit.
2. You have to believe that the ONLY REASON Jesus Christ walked this earth as a man was with the full intention of his blood being shed so that we might be washed as clean as snow.
3. You have to know that the ONLY way to heaven is through the shedding of His blood and desiring Him to dwell in you is the ONLY way to get to heaven.
4. You Hvae to know that JESUS CHRIST arose on the 3rd day and is seated at the RIGHT HAND OF THE FATHER TO INTERCEDE FOR US. Do you know that means that Jesus is sitting right next to GOD praying for us and going to God on our behalf. Isn't that a freeing thought. I know it certainly gives me comfort to know that Jesus himself is interceding with God for me, little old me!!!
A lot of people, including me at one time, think wow you have to give up so much to be a Christian. You really don't, because if you truly choose Jesus and desire him to work in your life, you will want to stop doing things of a sinful nature, you will want to be more like Him, you will want to seek His will for your life, and you will desire all the love that the Master has for you!!! This is not an overnight process, it is a lifelong, life-changing process. We are all works of art in the making.
My desire is to know without a doubt that all the people I love and adore on this earth are going to live in heaven with me for eternity. I also know that there is not one person God has created that He (no matter the sin) will not forgive. He certainly did not create any one of us to spend eternity in Hell with the likes of Satan. He created each and every one of so to spend eternity in Heaven with Him. After all we are all created in His image, and our true vocation in life should be Pleasing and Serving only one Master. If you have things in your life keeping you from fulfilling the very best that God has planned for you, ask for conviction from God and the foundation to stand firm upon to get past those "things". I know I still get caught up in "things" that are more important to me than they should be.
I am so glad that Mel and I made the choices we made about have a Godly marriage, raising a Godly family and trying to live a Godly life. Because of this I am assured of spending eternity with the man I love so dearly and only had here on earth for 14 years. I am Blessed, but I am also still imperfect and I know I offend people, hurt people I don't have any intention of hurting, but at least now I can apologize and I can humble myself before the Lord and ask his forgiveness.
The greatest Gift of All is truly the forgiveness of God. He is a God in the business of forgiveness, no matter the sin and He is still in the business of changing lives and doing miracles.
Once I graduated from high school I rarely, if ever, went to church. Usually only went if someone invited me or my granny wanted someone to take her. I was living the single life in Pueblo, CO, indulging in many vices of the flesh and mind, which I now know was offensive to God. I knew it then, but because of the doctrines I remembered from my childhood, I felt that God would never forgive me of all the sins I had committed. I certainly did not feel worthy of God's forgiveness. I figured since there was no hope for me I would just continue living the way I had been, in sin so deep that it almost cost me my life.
I experienced a life-changing event in my mid-20s when my cousin Lori took me to a Lowell Lundstrem crusade and the college in Pueblo. I remember very clearly wanting what those people had to offer. They told me it DID NOT MATTER TO GOD WHAT I HAD DONE, THAT HE HAD DIED EVEN FOR ME. I went forward at the altar call and accepted Jesus Christ as my personal savior. I became a "born-again" Christian. This didn't mean, however, that my life changed that night. I continued in my sinful ways, created more chaos in my life and in my family with every decision I made. I had people all over the place picking up the pieces for me so I could continue down the path I had chosen.
When it was dark, and I was very alone and lonely, I remember rationalizing with God that so what if I didn't live the life I had claimed as mine when I accepted Him into my life. I used to tell myself that I would just wait to fully embrace the saving grace of Jesus Christ until my deathbed when He would ask me what I chose and I would say "I choose you Lord". I look back now, and I think what a pathetic, damaged, heart-broken person I was to use that kind of logic. I would picture myself lying in the wreckage of a wrecked car knowing my end was near and calling out to Jesus.
You know I had it partly right. The moment I asked Jesus Christ into my heart, I became His child, NO MATTER WHAT I HAD DONE OR CONTINUED TO DO. I had asked him to forgive me of my sins, and in my head I knew that he had. I just took the "easy way our" or continued to do what was so familiar to me. When I think if the years I lost truly being a Child of God I am ashamed, but I know God forgives me even for that.
When I was in my late 20s I started attending church regularly. At first I went to the Catholic church because it was familiar and "safe" to me. It was what I had always known. Then my cousin Debra and her husband Ron moved to Pueblo from Iowa to be pastors. Ron became assistant pastor at Broadway Christian Church in Pueblo, CO, and they invited me to join them there. I was in LOVE. I loved the music. I loved hear the sermons recited RIGHT OUT OF THE BIBLE and scripture reference made so I could "check it and make sure the pastor was right". It wasn't until my 30th birthday that I really started taking my Christianity seriously.
I quit dating for the sake of dating. I told God I wanted to be married and have a family. I so desperately wanted to be a mom. I still sinned and do to this day. I don't always say things the right way, but I am passionate about Jesus and my faith. It took me 25 years to totally feel forgiven for some of the sins I had committed as a young adult. I knew in my head that I was forgiven, but it took a lot longer to make the "heart connection". I quit going to clubs to dance and drink and scan the place for eligible partners. I wasn't very good at that anyway!!
When I was 35 I decided that God was probably not going to round me up a husband, so I took on a 3rd job. I had decided to save money to adopt a baby girl from China. I didn't even pray about it. I just decided I was going to do it. See I still to this day have trouble seeking God's will before I try to tell Him what my will is and try to command Him to do my will. A year later Mel was brought into my life. He was 10 years older than me, and I really liked that. He was mature and didn't play games with my mind. I told him where I stood with Jesus when we first met. He told me that he had prayed for God to send him a "lady friend" to just have as a friend and a companion for movies or going out to eat. That was fine with me. I didn't mind being a lady friend, especially since he treated me like a lady. The first man in my life for a very long time who did. When I met Mel he was a beer drinker of very, shall we say, large proportion. I told him that I would never live with another alcoholic in my lifetime, that once was enough. He made a promise to me to quit drinking, and he did. We went to church together. We did laundry together at my house on Sunday's after church. We rode on his motorcycle. We went to movies. Somewhere along the line I found myself madly in love with him.
When we got married, we kind of got into the habit of "not going" to church. I got pregnant with Nicole only eight months after we married, and I was so sick for four months that the only place I went in the mornings was to work. When we had Nicole, though, our Pastor from Broadway, who married us, came to visit us in the hospital, and I have to say he appropriately oohed and aahed over our beautiful baby. Then some ladies whom I had been friends with at church came to visit. Mel and I decided that we needed to be in church, and that we had to absolutely commit to Jesus and His teachings and raise up our daughter that way. We wanted her to know that she was absolutely adored by God and that He would only want good things for her. We knew we wanted to raise her in the church and to learn about God through His word and teachings.
A lot of people tell me that I changed Mel. I never asked him to change for me. I was more than thrilled that he quit drinking, I didn't care whether or not he cut his hair or rode a motorcycle. I was smart enough to know that God had brought us into each other's lives at a time when both of us were ready for Him to work in us, for us to give the up the desires of the flesh and to follow Him and be committed to Him.
I know and love a lot of people who go to different churches. Most of them are my family. I am not here to judge what church they go to, but I know these things for certain:
1. You have to humble yourself at the cross and ASK Jesus Christ to come dwell within you through the Holy Spirit.
2. You have to believe that the ONLY REASON Jesus Christ walked this earth as a man was with the full intention of his blood being shed so that we might be washed as clean as snow.
3. You have to know that the ONLY way to heaven is through the shedding of His blood and desiring Him to dwell in you is the ONLY way to get to heaven.
4. You Hvae to know that JESUS CHRIST arose on the 3rd day and is seated at the RIGHT HAND OF THE FATHER TO INTERCEDE FOR US. Do you know that means that Jesus is sitting right next to GOD praying for us and going to God on our behalf. Isn't that a freeing thought. I know it certainly gives me comfort to know that Jesus himself is interceding with God for me, little old me!!!
A lot of people, including me at one time, think wow you have to give up so much to be a Christian. You really don't, because if you truly choose Jesus and desire him to work in your life, you will want to stop doing things of a sinful nature, you will want to be more like Him, you will want to seek His will for your life, and you will desire all the love that the Master has for you!!! This is not an overnight process, it is a lifelong, life-changing process. We are all works of art in the making.
My desire is to know without a doubt that all the people I love and adore on this earth are going to live in heaven with me for eternity. I also know that there is not one person God has created that He (no matter the sin) will not forgive. He certainly did not create any one of us to spend eternity in Hell with the likes of Satan. He created each and every one of so to spend eternity in Heaven with Him. After all we are all created in His image, and our true vocation in life should be Pleasing and Serving only one Master. If you have things in your life keeping you from fulfilling the very best that God has planned for you, ask for conviction from God and the foundation to stand firm upon to get past those "things". I know I still get caught up in "things" that are more important to me than they should be.
I am so glad that Mel and I made the choices we made about have a Godly marriage, raising a Godly family and trying to live a Godly life. Because of this I am assured of spending eternity with the man I love so dearly and only had here on earth for 14 years. I am Blessed, but I am also still imperfect and I know I offend people, hurt people I don't have any intention of hurting, but at least now I can apologize and I can humble myself before the Lord and ask his forgiveness.
The greatest Gift of All is truly the forgiveness of God. He is a God in the business of forgiveness, no matter the sin and He is still in the business of changing lives and doing miracles.
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