Recently I have found out about some people I know who have been diagnosed with kidney cancer. One of them is an old friend from high school who was diagnosed with Stage IV kidney cancer just like Mel was and the other is my cousin's daughter a young 23-year-old single mom of two young children. It breaks my heart when I hear news like this (I know I don't have the market on this, it affects everyone who hears about it in one way or another). I am sad to think of someone from my past, whom I haven't seen or talked to in 14 years, will likely die and leave a wife and children behind. It breaks open old wounds on my heart. I am sad to think that my cousin's precious child has cancer, maybe it's gone, maybe it won't come back, but once it has been said you have cancer I think the thought of it having been there at all is always niggling at the back of your mind.
I think back to when my mom lost her sisters and brother. Her older sister, Merle died of lung cancer. Never smoked in her life except shirtless in the back of a pickup truck with my mom and their other sister and their children (there is a story behind that). At the time she died she was driving a souped up Camaro. She was my "cool" aunt, the one I could talk about anything with. She fought cancer with everything she had. I saw her a lot between the time she was diagnosed and passed away. Every time I saw here, there was a little bit less of her there. The one time I knew for sure that she knew she was going to die my parents and I, Merle and her husband Paul, had all gone to Albuquerque to see my mom's baby sister who also had cancer. We went to a 50s styles restaurant, and Bonnie (mom's baby sister) wanted us all to sign our napkins and put the date on them, and aunt Merle didn't want to do it. I knew then and there she knew she was going to die. She was usually the ring leader of these kinds of silly, fun things. My mom nursed both of her sisters to the ends of their lives (mom was a nurse). A little bit of her died with each of them. When my mom was a little girl, she went to kindergarten twice because when Merle went she couldn't stand to be away from her while she was at school.
My aunt Bonnie lived in Seattle when she was diagnosed with breast cancer. She had a mastectomy and was assured by her surgeon that she needed no further treatment. Not long after that she moved to Albuquerque and was found to have metastatic breast cancer in her liver. The only thing that made me feel better with her cancer is that she did not have the excruciating pain that aunt Merle had with her cancer. Bonnie was such a dear sweet lady. She always had a ready smile and a laugh and LOVED to shop (I think the gene has been passed on to my daughter). Once when she was in the hospital to have a blood clot filter placed, the hospital auxilary was having a jewelry sale and she insisted on being put in a wheelchair and all of "us girls" going down to buy some jewelry. My mom lost another piece of her life when she lost her baby sister. You see mom and aunt Merle had practically raised Bonnie. They remember her being born and them putting blankets in a dresser drawer for a safe place for her to sleep, and they took care of her.
My mom's brother Ralph died without my mom being there. Mom and dad had gone to Utah because Ralph was sick. He died as they were pulling into the hospital parking lot. My mom felt a sense of betrayal and loss for not being able to see him once more or to be with him when he died. I told mom that I thought God knew she had had enough of watching her siblings die and I don't think Ralph wanted her to go through that either. All three of her siblings died within just a few years. She was raw for a long time after that. I felt that way when Mel died. I felt cheated. I still think to myself what if he was scared or could have spoken one last time and I wasn't there to comfort him or to hold his hand when he passed from this life to the next.
When my sister Lois was diagnosed with breast cancer, I wanted so badly to be with her. I knew she was scared, but she was also determined and brave. The night my mom came to tell me Lois had cancer, I called her (mom) a liar. I told my mom there was no way my beautiful sister could have cancer. I put the kids to bed and went to bed early. Mel was working nights, and I remember I lay awake all night crying, longing for him to come home and hold me tight. I felt so alone that night. Little did I know 2-1/2 years later I would lose my strong, handsome, funny, flirty, kind husband to cancer. Lois told me she was scared at night, and when Mel came home from work at 1:30 in the morning, we would pray for God to be with her and give her strength and peace and courage. She told me she didn't know what to pray and I told her "just call out the name of Jesus and He will be with you, He will know what you need and what you want to say".
The day Mel was diagnosed with cancer, I had to go to the bathroom at the doctor's scheduling office to compose myself. I was curled up on the hard, cold floor and called my sister. She helped me be strong enough to get out of that office and into the car with Mel so we could go home and decide what to tell Nicole. I told Mel as we drove out of the parking lot that day that our lives would never be the same again, and they weren't. There were a lot of good times, fun, laughter and more love in those years we had left together. We used talk at night in bed, all four of us, and we would share a memory of that day that had made it special for us. I wish now I had written all of that down, but it's still in my heart.
Today I heard from a friend about a family member of hers whose husband is very near death. She is a young woman with a 3-year-old baby. I am absolutely horrified of what she is going to have to go through. You are never ready, never prepared for that kind of life event. I have never met this lady and I just want to reach out and hug her and tell her that it isn't okay, it will never be okay, it will never get better (maybe just a little easier) as time goes on to say a final goodbye to the man you love and the daddy that small baby loves.
So now that all of this has been said, I want to say that what I am going to say next is very selfish and self-serving of me, but it is the way I feel. I don't want to hear about people who according to a doctor should have died years ago from a rare cancer, and they are still alive and Mel is dead. I don't want to hear of new cancer treatments that might save a life or even cure cancer when it is too late for Mel and me. I don't want to hear that the treatment Mel had gave someone else five more years with their family. On the flip side of the coin, I would never wish cancer on anyone, I would never want anyone to have to lose the love of their life, I would never want another child to ever lose their daddy like my kids did, and I don't want people I care about to be afraid to share news with me just because I don't want to hear. I want to know and be involved in the lives of the people I love, good and bad and all the in between. I just wanted to have more time with Mel, and that will never change, but I still want to throw myself on the floor and scream like hell and want to know why me, why us, why my kids.
I know in my head (or what's left of my brain at this age) that this is the same for people everywhere, everyday, all over the world. I am not the only person to have suffered this kind of loss, heard devastating news, watched the horrifying details of a disease who eats away a little bit every day of the person you love. I want people to know that I know they feel that way too. I also want them to know that no one will ever know exactly what it is like because we are all so different. Sometimes I just don't want to hear it because I know the pain and heartache it is going to bring to the next family who has to hear it, and I know how horrifying the aftermath is and that it takes a long time to start to see the light, to see the clouds lifting, to feel the dead weight of grief ease a little bit, and also to know that all of those things come crashing back at you in waves when you least expect it.
This is how I sum up cancer, one of my passwords is f*&* cancer, and I mean it.
Wednesday, August 22, 2012
Friday, August 17, 2012
Morals, or lack thereof
Today I had to go to Spokane to have a followup mammogram and ultrasound. Last year my mammogram was abnormal, and I had to have a needle biopsy done. So this was a followup to see if the mass had changed at all, and Praise the Lord it had not, so I just need yearly mammograms now.
Now to tackle the morals issue. We were driving down Division Street in Spokane, and there was a very scantily dressed young "lady" outside her place of business trying to wave down business. I think it was a coffed place of all things. She was wearing either a bra or a very skimpy bikini top and a pair of jean shorts that, shall we say, left nothing to the imagination. She was on the sidewalk waving to everyone and motioning them to come get a "coffee".
This really made me think about the moral decline of our entire society. I also thought that the people ogling this young girl needed to think if that was they way they wanted their mom/wife/daughter/girlfriend to be ogled at in the same way by hundreds of people driving by. I know I don't ever want anyone to see Nicole like that, and Mel would have killed them for it.
It also made me wonder why parents would purchase these kinds of outfits for their daughters to wear. Here at the school in Odessa the girls wear "booty shorts", slippers, pretty much anything goes. I remember when I dressed for school (ok I know it was like a million years ago), we dressed conservatively and were taught at HOME to respect our elders and our teachers. In elementary school the only time we could wear pants was if it was too cold, and then we wore them under our dresses, and once we got to school we were sent to the bathroom to take them off. For PE we had a pair of shorts to wear under our dresses.
I also wonder about the choices young ladies make in their bathing suit attire and anything else that reveals a lot of flesh. Then I go back to the fact that I would not want anyone looking at my daughter the way men look at young ladies in the skimpiest of bathing suits. I also think men should have the dignity to avert their eyes when they something like this.
Nicole dropped out of dance class this year because of the fact that in one of the dances they were supposed to wear jean shorts, cowboy boots, a white T-shirt and a plaid blouse over the shirt. When she went to practice her instructor informed her that her shorts were not short enough, and her shirt was not tight enough. After seeing the video of the recital, I was thankful that Nicole had not wanted to perform in that recital and show her body to everyone in the audience. During most of the dances the girls were pulling their shorts down, and I think it made them uncomfortable to wear that short of shorts, or they would not have been frantically pulling on their shorts everytime they had a chance. At the end of one of the dance numbers (the one with the short shorts, cowboy boots and a hoodie, at the end the girls unzippled their hoodies, and on their shirts they had written "I'm sexy and I know it". One girl painted 2 crosses on her shirt, one over each breast, and I thought why don't these parents step in and have a voice in what these girls are wearing to dance in and to have a voice in the numbers they dance to.
I don't understand why so many people are okay with young girls flaunting their bodies whereever they go. It has been proven that men focus on the body and what they can SEE visually on women and that women are attracted to men for their kindness/respect and other things like that rather than just "seeing" the kind of body he has. I think we need to raise up our boys to be respectful and not ogle the bodies of girls who flaunt "what they've got" for the whole world to see, and we also need to teach our girls that modesty is a good thing, and that the way to get positive attention from the opposite sex is not by "flaunting what they've got" for the whole world to see.
I have a friend who has four sons, and they are very vigilant in what they look at. They have a code word "Nike" and anyone in the family can say these when they feel they are looking at something that is not modest, and all of them (including mom and dad) avert their eyes. They are trying to raise Godly men in a world filled with sin, and I admire them for that.
Mel and I have also taught Nicole that you need to be modest in what you wear, and that modesty is something that God wants us to practice. Remember Sodom. Nicole wears a 2-piece bathing suit, but the top has to come down and cover the waist of her bottoms, and she wears a pair of shorts over her bottoms most of the time. She wears shorts and skirts at the knee or lower, or she wears leggings with anything shorter. I think we need to raise our children to respect their own bodies, so that when it is time to date they know what limits to put out there and expecting their "dates" to respect their limitations as much as they do.
My goal in raising my children is first and foremost I want them to be born again Christian's, I want them to know the Word of God and understand it as it applies to daily life. I want them to care enough about themselves that they don't look for approval in the opposite sex to fulfill what is lacking when it comes to their self-perspective. I want Daniel and Nicole to know that if they wait upon the Lord, he has already picked out a perfect mate for each of them. I want them to know that every little piece of yourself you give to others of the opposite sex is one less thing you have to give to the mate God has chosen for them. I want them to know that no matter how the world judges their appearance that God created them to look exactly they way they look, and there is no shame in anything that God has created. I don't want them to make the bad choices I made and have had to live with for my entire life. I want them to be able to talk to me about anything, which I was never able to do with my own parents. This is why we do scripture memorization, bible teachings and devotionals.
I tell Nicole all the time that when you first become friends with someone, have common interest, desires and beliefs, that is how a mature relationship starts to grow. I tell her how Mel and I were friends for about six months before anything romantic happened, and that the best compliment he gave me was that I would not have to worry about physical pressure from him, that he just wanted to be my friend and see where it went after that. I want Nicole to know that if boys are demanding physical attention from her, that they probably don't have her best interests at heart, and that if she communicates with them her limitations and beliefs, if they continue to pressure her, then they really are not thinking of her best interests or respecting her choices.
I know a lot of people don't agree with my feelings about this issue, but it is something I feel very strongly about and hope to instill these beliefs in my children. Modesty and protecting your virtue is no laughing matter and should not be something to be ashamed of or coaxed into dropping your guard about.
The most important thing is to commit your lives to Jesus Christ and confess your sins and let Him lead you in the direction you should go, this way you will always make the best choice possible.
Now to tackle the morals issue. We were driving down Division Street in Spokane, and there was a very scantily dressed young "lady" outside her place of business trying to wave down business. I think it was a coffed place of all things. She was wearing either a bra or a very skimpy bikini top and a pair of jean shorts that, shall we say, left nothing to the imagination. She was on the sidewalk waving to everyone and motioning them to come get a "coffee".
This really made me think about the moral decline of our entire society. I also thought that the people ogling this young girl needed to think if that was they way they wanted their mom/wife/daughter/girlfriend to be ogled at in the same way by hundreds of people driving by. I know I don't ever want anyone to see Nicole like that, and Mel would have killed them for it.
It also made me wonder why parents would purchase these kinds of outfits for their daughters to wear. Here at the school in Odessa the girls wear "booty shorts", slippers, pretty much anything goes. I remember when I dressed for school (ok I know it was like a million years ago), we dressed conservatively and were taught at HOME to respect our elders and our teachers. In elementary school the only time we could wear pants was if it was too cold, and then we wore them under our dresses, and once we got to school we were sent to the bathroom to take them off. For PE we had a pair of shorts to wear under our dresses.
I also wonder about the choices young ladies make in their bathing suit attire and anything else that reveals a lot of flesh. Then I go back to the fact that I would not want anyone looking at my daughter the way men look at young ladies in the skimpiest of bathing suits. I also think men should have the dignity to avert their eyes when they something like this.
Nicole dropped out of dance class this year because of the fact that in one of the dances they were supposed to wear jean shorts, cowboy boots, a white T-shirt and a plaid blouse over the shirt. When she went to practice her instructor informed her that her shorts were not short enough, and her shirt was not tight enough. After seeing the video of the recital, I was thankful that Nicole had not wanted to perform in that recital and show her body to everyone in the audience. During most of the dances the girls were pulling their shorts down, and I think it made them uncomfortable to wear that short of shorts, or they would not have been frantically pulling on their shorts everytime they had a chance. At the end of one of the dance numbers (the one with the short shorts, cowboy boots and a hoodie, at the end the girls unzippled their hoodies, and on their shirts they had written "I'm sexy and I know it". One girl painted 2 crosses on her shirt, one over each breast, and I thought why don't these parents step in and have a voice in what these girls are wearing to dance in and to have a voice in the numbers they dance to.
I don't understand why so many people are okay with young girls flaunting their bodies whereever they go. It has been proven that men focus on the body and what they can SEE visually on women and that women are attracted to men for their kindness/respect and other things like that rather than just "seeing" the kind of body he has. I think we need to raise up our boys to be respectful and not ogle the bodies of girls who flaunt "what they've got" for the whole world to see, and we also need to teach our girls that modesty is a good thing, and that the way to get positive attention from the opposite sex is not by "flaunting what they've got" for the whole world to see.
I have a friend who has four sons, and they are very vigilant in what they look at. They have a code word "Nike" and anyone in the family can say these when they feel they are looking at something that is not modest, and all of them (including mom and dad) avert their eyes. They are trying to raise Godly men in a world filled with sin, and I admire them for that.
Mel and I have also taught Nicole that you need to be modest in what you wear, and that modesty is something that God wants us to practice. Remember Sodom. Nicole wears a 2-piece bathing suit, but the top has to come down and cover the waist of her bottoms, and she wears a pair of shorts over her bottoms most of the time. She wears shorts and skirts at the knee or lower, or she wears leggings with anything shorter. I think we need to raise our children to respect their own bodies, so that when it is time to date they know what limits to put out there and expecting their "dates" to respect their limitations as much as they do.
My goal in raising my children is first and foremost I want them to be born again Christian's, I want them to know the Word of God and understand it as it applies to daily life. I want them to care enough about themselves that they don't look for approval in the opposite sex to fulfill what is lacking when it comes to their self-perspective. I want Daniel and Nicole to know that if they wait upon the Lord, he has already picked out a perfect mate for each of them. I want them to know that every little piece of yourself you give to others of the opposite sex is one less thing you have to give to the mate God has chosen for them. I want them to know that no matter how the world judges their appearance that God created them to look exactly they way they look, and there is no shame in anything that God has created. I don't want them to make the bad choices I made and have had to live with for my entire life. I want them to be able to talk to me about anything, which I was never able to do with my own parents. This is why we do scripture memorization, bible teachings and devotionals.
I tell Nicole all the time that when you first become friends with someone, have common interest, desires and beliefs, that is how a mature relationship starts to grow. I tell her how Mel and I were friends for about six months before anything romantic happened, and that the best compliment he gave me was that I would not have to worry about physical pressure from him, that he just wanted to be my friend and see where it went after that. I want Nicole to know that if boys are demanding physical attention from her, that they probably don't have her best interests at heart, and that if she communicates with them her limitations and beliefs, if they continue to pressure her, then they really are not thinking of her best interests or respecting her choices.
I know a lot of people don't agree with my feelings about this issue, but it is something I feel very strongly about and hope to instill these beliefs in my children. Modesty and protecting your virtue is no laughing matter and should not be something to be ashamed of or coaxed into dropping your guard about.
The most important thing is to commit your lives to Jesus Christ and confess your sins and let Him lead you in the direction you should go, this way you will always make the best choice possible.
Wednesday, August 15, 2012
Stinging Words
gos·sip 
(g
s
p) KEY
NOUN:
gos·siped, gos·sip·ing, gos·sips
Gossip hurts. Even when it is the truth, it hurts to know people we trust and love talk about us behind our backs. I do it too, so I personally take blame for my participation in forms of gossip. If I have ever hurt you by something I said behind your back, feel free to call me on it. The thing about gossip is that I may have said or done whatever the gossip is about, or somebody may have heard about it from so and so that I said it or did it, so I think I should at least get the chance to be honest with you and admit it if I said and to declare it an untruth if I didn't say it.
Women are great gossipers, but I know a few guys who are really good at it too. Men are just generally more close-mouthed than we girls are. Gossip can ruin a career, a relationship, a life. Even Jesus cautions us about gossiping. When I moved to Odessa last year, I joined a ladies bible study. These women are very close to me, and we have an understanding that our private conversations and prayer needs or just trials we each go through are to remain confidential. I have shared a lot with these women I trust that I don't want anyone else to hear. I say it to them because they are my "safe people". They can look at things objectively for me and maybe point out to me a different take on what I am upset about or worried about. We also did a bible study on how to be a better wife. That was hard for me since I had just lost Mel. It talked a lot about gossiping and how as wives we need to protect our husband's from idle talk and our families as well, and we do this from protecting ourselves from gossip.
Gossip covers a wide variety of topics from child rearing, child discipline, personal habits, housekeeping, spending habits, affairs of the heart, speculation about affairs of the heart, and feeling like you have the right to judge people for the way they do any of the above.
When Mel was sick, many times we had news from doctors that we intentionally did not share with everyone. We didn't think our kids needed to know all the details of his illness. During this time there were people who thought Mel should do more physically, do more with the kids, do more to help me, but what they didn't know was that he was in excruciating pain and wasn't able to do those things. At the time we told only the people taking care of us how much pain he was in, and it was very painful when I would hear some of the things people said about him just being lazy, or just using "cancer" as an excuse not to do the things he should have been doing, in their minds at least.
There have also been times when I have made assumptions about people, their decisions, their way of life, their discipline or lack thereof, and I know that I have to be very careful what I say and do. I think we would all do a better job of caring for each other if we would just take the time to talk to the people we are "talking about". If you are going to talk about someone, they should at least have the chance to defend themselves or correct the information or confirm it if they choose. Maybe they don't want to talk about it, and that is their choice. If you see someone struggling, hurting, being dragged down by circumstances, why not offer a kind gesture, a word of hope or encouragement, or hand up or a hand out, help them do the things they don't seem to be able to do for whatever reason. Just be a "good Samaritan" and jump in and help, and then don't go around telling everyone what you did for that person. People who care about each other should just help each other without having the need to report all the grisly details to anyone who will listen.
I am so thankful to the Lord that I have "my ladies" who have my back and will (and have) done whatever I needed them to do in the darkest time of my life and during the darkest corners "in my mind". I didn't even have to ask, they just helped me, and guess what? They did it with a servant's heart and didn't tell anyone about it. I love you "my lovely ladies". I only hope I have the chance to reciprocate or help someone else in need, that is hurting, that is paralyzed in fear, emotions, grief or whatever they are going through and help them. I don't want to be the person on the other end of the conversation telling the details of what someone needed to do for me, that I could NOT do for myself, and seem to take pleasure in the telling of it. I want to serve with a servant's heart and love with a Jesus heart.
I know I have a long way to go. I am a work in progress. As the saying goes "Be patient with me God isn't finished with me yet". We are all works in progress. Let's be kind to each other, love each other, help each other, and do it without the guilty pleasure of talking smack.
Let's be friends and love one another
(gsp) KEYNOUN:
- Rumor or talk of a personal, sensational, or intimate nature.
- A person who habitually spreads intimate or private rumors or facts.
- Trivial, chatty talk or writing.
- A close friend or companion.
- Chiefly British A godparent.
gos·siped, gos·sip·ing, gos·sips
- To engage in or spread gossip.
Gossip hurts. Even when it is the truth, it hurts to know people we trust and love talk about us behind our backs. I do it too, so I personally take blame for my participation in forms of gossip. If I have ever hurt you by something I said behind your back, feel free to call me on it. The thing about gossip is that I may have said or done whatever the gossip is about, or somebody may have heard about it from so and so that I said it or did it, so I think I should at least get the chance to be honest with you and admit it if I said and to declare it an untruth if I didn't say it.
Women are great gossipers, but I know a few guys who are really good at it too. Men are just generally more close-mouthed than we girls are. Gossip can ruin a career, a relationship, a life. Even Jesus cautions us about gossiping. When I moved to Odessa last year, I joined a ladies bible study. These women are very close to me, and we have an understanding that our private conversations and prayer needs or just trials we each go through are to remain confidential. I have shared a lot with these women I trust that I don't want anyone else to hear. I say it to them because they are my "safe people". They can look at things objectively for me and maybe point out to me a different take on what I am upset about or worried about. We also did a bible study on how to be a better wife. That was hard for me since I had just lost Mel. It talked a lot about gossiping and how as wives we need to protect our husband's from idle talk and our families as well, and we do this from protecting ourselves from gossip.
Gossip covers a wide variety of topics from child rearing, child discipline, personal habits, housekeeping, spending habits, affairs of the heart, speculation about affairs of the heart, and feeling like you have the right to judge people for the way they do any of the above.
When Mel was sick, many times we had news from doctors that we intentionally did not share with everyone. We didn't think our kids needed to know all the details of his illness. During this time there were people who thought Mel should do more physically, do more with the kids, do more to help me, but what they didn't know was that he was in excruciating pain and wasn't able to do those things. At the time we told only the people taking care of us how much pain he was in, and it was very painful when I would hear some of the things people said about him just being lazy, or just using "cancer" as an excuse not to do the things he should have been doing, in their minds at least.
There have also been times when I have made assumptions about people, their decisions, their way of life, their discipline or lack thereof, and I know that I have to be very careful what I say and do. I think we would all do a better job of caring for each other if we would just take the time to talk to the people we are "talking about". If you are going to talk about someone, they should at least have the chance to defend themselves or correct the information or confirm it if they choose. Maybe they don't want to talk about it, and that is their choice. If you see someone struggling, hurting, being dragged down by circumstances, why not offer a kind gesture, a word of hope or encouragement, or hand up or a hand out, help them do the things they don't seem to be able to do for whatever reason. Just be a "good Samaritan" and jump in and help, and then don't go around telling everyone what you did for that person. People who care about each other should just help each other without having the need to report all the grisly details to anyone who will listen.
I am so thankful to the Lord that I have "my ladies" who have my back and will (and have) done whatever I needed them to do in the darkest time of my life and during the darkest corners "in my mind". I didn't even have to ask, they just helped me, and guess what? They did it with a servant's heart and didn't tell anyone about it. I love you "my lovely ladies". I only hope I have the chance to reciprocate or help someone else in need, that is hurting, that is paralyzed in fear, emotions, grief or whatever they are going through and help them. I don't want to be the person on the other end of the conversation telling the details of what someone needed to do for me, that I could NOT do for myself, and seem to take pleasure in the telling of it. I want to serve with a servant's heart and love with a Jesus heart.
I know I have a long way to go. I am a work in progress. As the saying goes "Be patient with me God isn't finished with me yet". We are all works in progress. Let's be kind to each other, love each other, help each other, and do it without the guilty pleasure of talking smack.
Let's be friends and love one another
noun
1.
a person attached to another by feelings of affection or personal regard.
3.
a person who is on good terms with another; a person who is not hostile: Who goes there? Friend or foe?
4.
a member of the same nation, party, etc.
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