This has been a horribly lonely week for me. Actually I have been lonely since we got back from Colorado. Making that drive this time was almost as hard as it was last year when we moved here. I was still without Mel, and I am still very lonely for him.
This week our little poodle/terrier mix dog Zoie died. I had put Zoie and Sugar on leashes in the kitchen with a blanket for them to sleep on. I have left them in the kitchen like this before. Sometime during the night they became so entangled in the leashes that Zoie was strangled and Sugar had the leashes wound so tightly around her right hind leg so tightly that I thought she might lose the leg. I had to use Cutco garden shears to cut the leashes apart to get them off the dogs, that's how tight they were. I could not believe Zoie was dead. I was so mad at myself for leaving them in the kitchen. Luckily Sugar's leg has improved to where she is now using it. I called Lois that morning to tell her what had happened. The kids were still asleep, and I didn't want them to wake up to see Zoie dead on the kitchen floor. Soon there was a knock on the back door, and it was Lois. She had come and dug a grave for Zoie behind the garage. I wrapped her in one of Nicole's baby blankets, and Lois took her out and buried her. I was so grateful for this act of kindness. It reminded me of the time I was staying with Lois and her black lab Maggie got hit by a car and died while Lois was in town. I dug her grave and buried her for Lois before she had to see what she looked like. I was so comforted by this single act of love and kindness.
I went to the doctor this week for my yearly physical. Seeing her made me realize how much better I feel daily than I did when I first saw her several months ago. She said she could see a vast improvement in my demeanor, so why do I still feel to crappy.
I have suffered from depression for most of my adult life (and probably before then). I had taken antidepressants for years, but quit taking them a year or so before I met Mel. I did fine off of them until Mel's cancer was diagnosed. My doctor had to put me on two different antidepressants to manage my depression and to help me try to function in the war zone called cancer. Of course, when Mel died my depression increased lots, or I think it did. Sometimes I think it was just the grief that made me feel so much more depressed. There were many times over the past year without Mel that I have thought about taking my own life. I had always thought this was such a selfish act, but I can now see why people resort to suicide. It scares me to know that I have been that close to making that decision, and I thank God for my kids and my faith and His guidance because those are the things that have kept me from doing the unthinkable. It's also a hard thing to admit. There were days I felt so bad that I couldn't believe I was alive. I didn't think it was possible to feel so horrible and still be alive and breathing. I can't say functioning because there were many days when I could not function. I wish people understood more about grief, but I realize now that knowledge only comes with experience, experience no one wants to list on their resume of life.
So where do I go from here? I thought I was doing so well, and now I've been knocked down again, only not so far down as before. I guess I keep facing forward even when I feel like I am moving backward. That's why I pray and thank God for the things I have learned this past year or so.
This is a picture of my mom, Nicole and Zoie the day we brought Zoie home.
When did it become so appropriate for people to flaunt their bodies everywhere they go with little thought of what that says about them? Yesterday in Spokane the kids and I drove by a coffee shop. There was a very scantily clad young "lady" out in front with either a very bright red bra or a very skimpy bright red bikini top and the shortest pair of jean shorts possible, and she was standing on the sidewalk flagging people down for business. Made me wonder if it's really just a "coffee house".
I see it everywhere I go. Young girls dressed in clothing that is so inappropriate I wonder what is wrong with their parents that they will pay for their girls to dress in this kind of crap. I also wonder about the boys who walk around with their jeans falling off to show off their underwear. I heard that trend started in jail because when you go to jail they take your belt away from you so you don't use it to hurt yourself or others. I guess I have just never been interested in dressing like a jail inmate.
It also is very hard to buy clothes that are modest and what I consider to be appropriate for Nicole to wear. The new jeans are cut so that they ride so low on the waist that when the girls bend over you see their butt crack. I thought that was reserved for plumbers. I finally had to buy Nicole some half t-shirts that fit around her waist and hang down under her shirts so she can cover up her crack. I just don't understand why that should be a feature in clothing.
Then there are the "bootie shorts" I see girls wearing. They even wear them to school here. I especially dislike the ones that have words across the butts of them. My dad would have never let me out the door looking the way some girls dress. I also can't believe that the school doesn't have a stricter dress code or at least enforce the one they have. Some of the girls even wear their slippers to school. I guess Wal-Mart isn't the only place you can go to look at embarrassing wardrobes people choose.
Earlier this year Nicole quit dance class because of some of the costumes that were chosen for the girls to dance in. When they had a rehearsal and were supposed to bring all of the items they were supposed to wear and change into for each dance, she was told that her shorts were not short enough and that her shirt was not tight enough. It's pretty sad (to me at least) that an instructor of any sort would want to have students wear costumes that are so revealing. After all they are only schoolgirls. Then there was the number where they had T-shirts to write on that said sexy and I know it that were worn under zipped up hoodies until the end of the number when they unzipped the hoodies to reveal their shirts. I was proud that Nicole refused to be a part of this class and felt comfortable enough and confident enough about herself to just quit and say this is not for me.
I don't expect a lot of people to agree with me, but it is an instruction in the bible to not clothe yourself in a way so as to attract unwanted attention. The bible instructs that our focus should be on God and not on the effect we can have on others by showing ourselves scantily clad to them. I feel it is very harmful for the young girls of today to have this kind of image. I think they need to be taught and know that they are worth so much more than what they wear. They need to know that it is not necessary to show so much skin that they are found to be attractive by "the other sex". I also think it is harmful for our young men to look at these girls every day. Boys are so stimulated by things visual that these images stay with them forever. There is a Sunday school song the kids in the nursery sing that says:
"Be careful little eyes what you see, by careful little ears what you hear, be careful little mouth what you say, be careful little hands what you do because the Father up above is looking down in love, so be careful little eyes what you see, by careful little ears what you hear, be careful little mouth what you say, be careful little hands what you do."
I want Nicole and Daniel to know that who they are is not defined by how they dress or by how others perceive them to be. All children should know that they were created by God exactly the way they are, and it doesn't matter what other people or society sees when they look at them. I want them to know that they don't need to expose their bodies to get attention from anyone for anything.
The kids and I recently returned to Washington after spending the month of June in Pueblo, Colorado. We had a wonderful time visiting all our friends and staying with my parents. We also had the pleasure of attending the wedding of one of my favorite cousins, Diana (Annie). It was a wonderful day for them, and though it was a bit hard for me to be at a wedding (the first since I lost Mel), it was a moving experience for me to witness what God has done in my family over the course of the last 30+ years. My brother, cousin, and I used to be quite the partiers. Since then we have all committed our lives to Jesus Christ, and my brother actually performed the marriage ceremony. It was a proud moment for me to witness him doing this. He also joked that when it was time to ask for objections, he would have to be the one to object because Diana and Andy (my brother) always said they were going to marry each other.
During this trip home I also experienced sadness at seeing how old my parents are getting. You never think of that growing up, but one day you look at them and realize they are getting more frail and more forgetful and more tired, and the list goes on. My mom has lost a lot of weight and is very shaky at times. My dad is stiff with arthritis from all the hard labor he has done over the years. I looked at them and and knew I had to go back to Colorado. The biggest reason is that I don't want my kids to lose the time they have left on this earth to be together, and I have such a feeling of gratitude to them for what they have helped me endure over the past few years. They were my rock and security dealing with Mel's diagnosis, his surgery, all the trips to Denver and ultimately his death. They would never expect this of me or ask me to pick up and move to help care for them in their later years, but I feel like it would be an honor for me to care for them, and it will also help teach my kids that family is important and you care for them when they are unable to care for themselves. All this being said, we will be putting our home in Odessa on the market, and when it sells we will be moving back to Colorado, and we are praying for a quick sale. It will be a bittersweet move just like the move me made to come to Washington. I will miss my family here and all the wonderful friends I have made who have helped me to heal and who have loved us so much this past year.
I used to be so envious of Mother's on Mother's Day, even though my nieces always remembered me on Mother's Day. It just wasn't the same as having a child of my own. I used to just cry and ask God why I hadn't been blessed with a husband and a family of my own. When I was single and at family events where everyone was married and had their own family, I always felt lonely and left out. I always seemed to want what I didn't have. Then I was blessed with Mel. We got pregnant seven months after we got married, the first time we tried. My nieces Cora and Amanda were staying with me, and I went to the store to get a home pregnancy test, and it was positive. I couldn't believe it so I went to the store and got another one, and once again it was positive. I was so sure that it had been way too easy and quick to get pregnancy I dragged the girls back to the store again and purchased ANOTHER pregnancy test. Miraculously it hadn't changed in the 30 minutes or so since the last one had said positive. I remember Cora and Amanda asking me "Aunt Patty why do we keep going back to the store and buying the same box". Well not to take things for granted or anything, the next week when I went back to work I had a blood test done, and guess what it was POSITIVE too.
I was a crazy woman. I just COULD NOT believe that my second lifelong dream (the first being a wife) had come true. I called Mel at work, and believe it or not he wasn't shocked. Seems he believed the first three home tests I did. I couldn't wait to tell people, especially my parents. They were so excited for us. They knew my dream had always been to have a baby of my own to love and care for, my "forever family".
I was pretty sick with morning sickness for the first four months. What they don't tell you in What to Expect When You're Expecting is that morning sickness isn't just for morning. For me it lasted all day. I don't know why when a mother has a daughter she doesn't write a manual about these things, or about the guilt you feel every time the baby gets hurt, or the guilt you feel when you have to leave your baby to go back to work, or just the general "Ought to know" things. I asked my mom about this, and she said she would never have written such a manual for fear that she would never become a grandmother. She is a wise woman.
When I went to my first OB appointment, Mel couldn't get off work to go with me. They did a transvaginal ultrasound. I was a little confused when the nurse came rushing in with an ultrasound machine that had a drawer full of condoms in it, but I soon learned what they were for. I had no idea what a transvaginal ultrasound was before that, and I thought "man they should hand out condoms before you get to this point". The very second Nicole's little body lit up on that screen, and her heart was beating I was just in such AWE that the love Mel and I shared had created a child for us, on loan from God, to raise up in the way of the Lord.
I went back to work in tears. Everyone thought I had gotten bad news, but I was just so humbled and grateful to have been so blessed. I faxed copies of the ultrasound to Mel and my mom at work. Mom still has the copy I faxed her. When Mel got home, he just wrapped his arms around me and we both cried. We were both thrilled. Mel was so good to me during my pregnancy and while I had "morning sickness". He was so patient and kind and did so many little things just to make my days easier.
Since I was 37 years old when I got pregnant, the doctor wanted us to do genetic testing, but we told her we didn't want to do that. We knew that no matter what any test might show, this was our baby, we already loved "her", and that nothing would make us change our minds about continuing with the pregnancy. I told Mel that I just wanted to enjoy being pregnant, I didn't want to think about those things, I just wanted to soak up every minute of having a baby growing inside of me. What an awesome gift God has given to women, what an honor, and what a responsibility. Once my morning sickness ended, I loved every minute of being pregnant. The most magical feeling in the world is the first time you feel your tiny baby moving around inside of your womb. I loved wearing maternity clothes and everyone touching my belly. I loved people asking me when I was due, why was I so big, was I having twins, was my doctor sure of my due date? I only gained 19 pounds when I was pregnant but my goodness I was huge.
Mel and I had decided to invite my mom to be with us when Nicole was born. We didn't find out the sex of the baby. We wanted to be surprised. I went into labor on Sunday, April 18, 1999 at 6:30 p.m. and Nicole finally arrived at 7:03 a.m. on April 19, 1999. The joy, the unbelievable overwhelming joy that overcame me. I felt like I must be the only woman who had ever felt that way, but of course I know that millions of women have had that joy, but to me it felt like for a moment in time I was the only one. When Mel carried her to me to hold her for the first time, I just sobbed I was so overwhelmed with the goodness of God and the love He had shown Mel and I for allowing us to care for one of His precious children. It was awesome having my mom with us. I will never forget Dad coming to the hospital before he had to go to work. He went in the nursery with Mel while they were dressing Nicole and getting ready to bring her back in to my room. He hugged me with tears in his eyes and told me how beautiful she was. Of course I already knew that.
With Daniel our experience was of course different, because we were blessed by God through the miracle of adoption, but all the feelings of joy and overwhelming love for Daniel was exactly the same that we felt with Nicole. We were always in such awe that out of all the people who are searching for a newborn baby to adopt that God chose us to be Daniel's parents and Nicole to be his sister. The best thing about Daniel was how God showed us how our love just multiplied over and over, and that no matter what we were his family.
I found out yesterday that I think I miss Mel the most on Mother's Day. You see without me first being Mel's wife, I never would have been the mother of his children. My marriage and becoming a mother were absolutely the most important life changing events in my life. Mel and I both reevaluated ourselves when Nicole was born and really committed our lives and hers, and subsequently Daniel's, to the Lord.
It is definitely bittersweet when you have been blessed by the absolute best God has to give you, and then the time comes when the best God had to give you is returned back to Him. I have several dear and special friends dealing with, or having had to deal with, the fatality of their unborn children, the news that their unborn children may likely pass away before they ever have a chance to hold them, or losing precious babies just a few days after they were born. Grief is such a consuming emotion with these sorts of things. The anger, pain and betrayal that you feel towards God is just unfathomable. You just simply cannot wrap your mind around God blessing you with your heart's desire and then for whatever reason these blessings turn to heartache and loss in the blink of an eye.
My heart aches for my dear friends dealing with these issues, and yes my heart still absolutely aches from the loss of my precious Mel. I love you all so much, my heart aches with yours, I shed tears with you, and beseech God for answers on your behalf and for my own. I know that my family and the joining of these other special families has been brought about by God. You see we need each other. We share the kind of grief that is all consuming, we share the burdens of each others, we search God for answers and for the right words to say to each other, but most of all we try our best to trust that God does know what He is doing and support each other with that knowledge. Kelly and Diego, Erin and Kerry, Deanna and Butch, we all share a special bond of love and grief that brings people together to try to find the goodness of God in the worst of situations. I love you all, and all of you have helped me grieve my loss, you have listened to me, you have supported me, I know you have prayed for me, but most of all you have just loved me. I hope in some small way I have been a comfort to all of you in your times of turmoil and grief. I can't wait to see you all and hug you and share tears and prayers with you in person. It is in that way that we can begin to heal.
Grief is not something you ever get over. It is something that reshapes your life, your perspectives, your views on life, the importance of being so immersed in the love of God and loved by people who love God, and this is how we can walk through grief, but never over it.
One day we will all be reunited with those we have known here on earth and with those precious ones God took home before we had time to love and know here on earth. Praise God for the gift of Eternal Life, and the best part is that we have all chosen Him and will be forever friends. I am blessed beyond measure by the knowledge of that. I love you all so much.
Have you ever bought something and as soon as you got home with it regretted buying it? I know I have, sometimes I don't even make it to the car before I regret buying it.
I think buyer's remorse extends far beyond the price tag of an item we purchase in the store. It extends to all aspects of our lives. There have been many times in my life when I seemed to accept ANYTHING anyone said to me as the truth, even though logically I knew it wasn't. I have accepted lies from Satan and have followed his stinking path even though I knew it was against God's law.
I think one of the biggest things we do that we regret, at least for me, is that I expect that people tell me something they mean it and it is the truth. There is a high price to pay when you lose the trust in someone you trusted or they lose the trust in you that they had.
Some things have happened in my life that I just couldn't, and still can't, believe that I have done to people or people have done to me. Most of them are very childish but yet we hold them up as if they are high prized items (grudges to hold on to). I especially get confused when I have seemingly done things that have hurt people, and I truly don't know what the transgression is, and they don't seem to have the need or courage to talk to me and tell me what's wrong. I can be pretty good at this myself, and this is one thing I consciously try to avoid doing to people. I have figured out if I want people to be honest with me I have to be honest with them. We have to remember with honesty we won't always hear what we want to hear.
Then there are times in life when you tell the truth and other people choose, for whatever reason, not to believe you. The only thing you can do then is stand on the truth you have told because you can't control whether or not people believe you. Sometimes they don't believe you because they simply can't comprehend that someone they care about has said or done the things that you have told them about.
There are also times in life when a line is drawn in the sand, and both sides are so opposite of each other that each party finds it very hard to cross that line because doing so would mean having to accept you were wrong or at least you could have been wrong. I especially find this hard to deal with when my kids are involved because like any mother I will stand on my side of the line with them when I know they are telling the truth or if they have had to make a hard decision because of hurtful things being done or said to them.
Sometimes I think, wow what if we could get our "money" back on these kinds of items like we can when we return something to the store for a refund. The only way I know of doing that is through confessing and asking forgiveness from Jesus Christ. We have to be careful to not have our hearts harden when these things happen, but we also have to learn to protect our hearts when they are hurt. Teaching kids to have remorse and to ask for forgiveness is a job all parents should endeavor. There is no comparison to that remorse and forgiveness when compared to the grace and mercy of Jesus Christ. You see grace is not required and should only be given when there is no other way around it.
There are some big things in my life that I have buyer's remorse for, and most of them have happened in the last three years. I wish I could have bought Mel a new heart, a new kidney, new intestines, new liver, new lungs. I wish we could have gone to the hospital and just exchanged them for new ones. I wish I never would have had to say a final goodbye to him. I wish I didn't have to accept God's will that he take Mel home to cure him. I wish I would not have had to make the decision to move when I did. They say you should never make that kind of a decision for at least a year after your spouse has died. I moved to Odessa exactly 10 weeks after Mel had passed away. Somedays I like it here, I like the friends that I have made, I love my neighbors, I love our church, and I love the safety I feel here for my kids. I don't like that I left my friends, my church, my parents and my home and everything that was familiar to me in one fell swoop. I don't like that my kids had to go through that too.
But in life there are no refunds on major decisions made in the hour of grief, on words that are said that can't be unsaid, on actions that can't be undone, fatal diseases that take the ones you love the most, not having the relationships you thought you would have in life, and all kinds of other things.
I can tell you though that sometimes "I want my money back", I want a refund, I want to go back to my old life, my comfortable life with Mel that was not a daily struggle trying to be happy, and to a life where my kids had their daddy.
13 years ago tonight I was in labor waiting for our precious daughter to be born. I never dreamed 13 years could go so fast. It seems like yesterday I was just meeting her for the first time. I never thought I could have more love in my heart for her than on that day when Mel first put her in my arms, but my love for her has grown with each day of her life. The people who know her and love her, and those who have taken the time to get to know her, adore her. She is a true gift from God. I know as sure as I will take my next breath that Nicole would NEVER hurt anyone, and is very repentant if she thinks she has. Some people may think that I think she is perfect, and she is in the respect that she is a perfect creation from God. I know that her behavior or attitude are not always perfect, but then whose is.
She loves her family and friends fiercely and with all of her heart. She bubbles over with love for her family, her friends and her pets. She loves animals, which I am sure she gets from me. She has the easygoing nature and spirit that her daddy had. She has his long legs too, and she often reminds me that soon she will be taller than me. She loves her nanny and papa with a love that is great. Her nanny (my mom) was with her dad and I for her delivery. It was so special to me having my husband on one side of me and my mom on the other side of me. It is magical watching the woman who gave birth to me, watching me give birth to our baby. It was a wonderful night and next morning. Nicole was born at a little after 7:00 a.m. on April 19, 1999.
Nicole shines with the light of her Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. She loves Him with all of her heart. She loves to read her bible and memorize scripture. She prays for every need that she hears about. If an ambulance or police car goes by we all pray for those officers and the people they are going to help. She leads a bible study for the kids of the women's bible study I attend every Tuesday. She reads them bible stories and has pictures for them to color and tells them about Jesus.
Nicole is generous to a fault. If she has money to spend, she will most of the time spend more on others than she will on herself. She is very generous with Daniel. She adores her brother and spoils him with treats and little gifts every chance she gets.
I feel sad for the people who know her that don't see her sweet spirit, her lovings ways and her genuine kindness for others. I think anyone who does not sense her inner kindness and sweetness is someone who has no concept of a Spirit filled, Jesus serving young girl, and a girl with a pure heart. Again, I know she is not perfect, but she will admit when she has done wrong and is very honest and true. I know I am supposed to feel this way because I am her mom, but I know a lot of other people who feel the same way. Her daddy and I have always been so very proud of her.
I feel sad for all that she lost in her young life. I feel sad that I haven't been able to "fix" these things for her. All I can do is love her, listen to her and protect her from people who are judgmental or unkind towards her. Her life has been forever changed by watching her daddy grow ill from cancer and ultimately dying in our home, but I also know that her life is forever changed by the love her daddy gave her while he was on this earth. He adored her, and she him. He bought her her first diamond. He bought her a heart pendant for Christmas several years ago that has a diamond in it and told me that he wanted to be the first man to ever give her diamond. He knew how important it was for a little girl to fall in love with her daddy. I know that he set such a good example to her of how a husband should love his wife and family that she will be ready for the prince God has already chosen for her to spend her life with.
So Happy Birthday Nicole, my colie bug, my precious and beautiful daughter, Daddy's little girl and Daniel's big sissy. We all love you so much.
So here it goes. I went to GriefShare support group last year, started it only two weeks after Mel died. I just restarted it last Monday. Our lesson this week is to write a grief letter to my family and friends to understand what I am going through and what my grief feels like.
Dear Family and Friends:
First of all I would like to thank all of you have supported me this past year. I never would have made it to this point in my grief without you. My hopes in writing this letter now will put into perspective why I have done some of the things I have done, why I feel the way I do, how hard this has been for me and also to help you know what to say or do for people who are grieving. Everyone's grief is unique to that certain person, and everyone's needs vary, but in general there are some things that can be said and done for anyone going through the loss of a loved one.
What has not helped me is hearing "it will get better", "he is still with you", "time heals all wounds", "you sleep too much", "your depression is out of control", "you are jeopardizing the well-being of your children by being so depressed and overcome with grief", "you need to cut your losses and get on with your life".
These words are not helpful simply because there is no way I can imagine my life without Mel in it, even today, a year later. To me it will never get better, but I know it will get tolerable, and somehow I will learn to live with a "new normal". Time does not heal wounds, it helps decrease the pain, but then the wounds re-open over and over again each time a new "first" or an old "first" happens. I have learned that grief comes in waves like the ocean rolling in and out and over you. I know I sleep a lot, but I had not slept a full night in over three years when Mel died, and I still spend many nights sleeplessly turning everything over and over in my mind. My depression is not really any worse than it had been when Mel was sick, but grief is definitely an "additive" to depression, and is like nothing I have ever felt in my life. I have never jeopardized my children in any area. They are loved and taken care of. Yes sometimes we stay in bed and watch TV, somedays it is all we can do to just get through the day. You see they have "bad" days too, and I have to be sure to catch those to help them deal with this loss too. I can't just get on with my life as if my life with Mel never happened or mattered.
Here are some specific things that can help: Call and chat, be a good listener, say I am sorry you feel this way, I am here for you day or night. Send random text messages or emails or cards, they mean a lot. Pray for me, and let me know that you are praying for me and my kids. On my kids' birthdays, our anniversary, my birthday, Mel's birthday, mother's day, father's day, and other holidays acknowledge that you know it is hard. Ask if there is something you could do to help me. Hug me and hug me again. Sometimes that speaks louder than words. Even if I cry, please listen to my story. I will probably have to tell it over and over again until it sounds ok to me. Please talk to me about Mel. Ask what he liked to do, eat, talk about or even tell me if you miss him. Again, I will probably cry, but the tears are not to keep you from talking to me or me telling you things I want you to hear.
My friend Deanna had these things to say that really expressed what I have been trying to do and what it has felt like to lose my husband:
While I recognize that you have never suffered through a loss as devastating as losing your husband, I hope you can put yourself in her shoes for just a moment. Patty has lost her best friend, her lover, her companion, her parenting partner, her financial partner, and her spiritual leader. None of us can imagine that loss until we experience it. I can tell you that Patty is doing the very best she can under the circumstances.
Patty and Mel discussed for almost two years how he would want her to carry on if the worst happened. Choices such as home-schooling Nicole as long as she desired to be home-schooled were well thought out, with much prayer. I believe that God has given Patty alone the unique insight to raise Nicole and Daniel. She will always do what she believes God has lead her to do for their best interests, but it hurts her when she feels like others don't think she is doing a good job as a mother.
She offered the following advice on specific things that you can do to help while people are grieving: Unconditional love is the most important thing she needs right now. Not that you need to agree with every choice she makes, but just to offer her words of love and encouragement to get through the day. Send her an "I love you" text, a card, some encouraging words. Give her a call when she comes to mind. Order a pizza to her house one evening so she doesn't have to cook (Deanna obviously has not been to Odessa, or she would know this is not an option). There are so many practical things that we as her family and friends can do to come along side of her and support her.
My cousin Debra had the following to say:
Personally we share with the weighing of whether we are too personal; in the middle of my grief who do I need to comfort when I share; maybe I just don't want to share today or ever; and on and on... And then when our loved ones are grieving all we want is for them to be better and we are helpless to make it better. We may listen. We change the subject. We don't bring up the subject up. And we prescribe a course of action that we think will help...and not even time heals...only Father knows the heart, and the pain, and the course it takes. And He knows that we fumble around in our grief and avoid aspects of it and are angry and...that list goes on, too! God is not even surprised by any ways that we who are grieving and we who are comforting are...we just are and He leads us as we let Him.
Patty, we all love you so much. We all wish we coul take the pain away. None of us are much experienced in comforting you so please forgive us when we get it wrong. I remember when Ron and I loss our triplets...you were so sweet to me! And all through the time when we struggled to have babies you never said...just relax...maybe you should adopt...etc. You listened. As we fumble around and try to do our best know above all else that we love you and we just want you to be better. Sometimes we will hit Bingo!!!, and sometimes it will be bingo but at the wrong time, and, unfortunately sometimes what we have to offer may hit you like thud...but we love you. If an important anniversary date or a special date is coming up let us know. That way you won't feel like we didn't remember (which of course we didn't :)) and we won't feel like bums because we forgot and didn't know.
I have also learned that I have a responsibility to let people know when I am particularly hurting or need some extra "hugs".
Here is what my GriefShare describes the loss of a spouse:
A part of who you are is gone. Your identity is shaken to the very core. You wonder if you will ever feel normal again or if you will ever enjoy life again.
"When you lose a mate, you lose part of yourself," says Dr. Jim Conway. "It's as if you've had an amputation of an arm or a leg. I think that you don't really recover; you adjust, and the process of adjusting varies with every individual. There's no formula."
The pain that comes from the loss of a spouse is much deeper than most people realize because in a marital relationship two people become one flesh.
"The man said, 'This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called "woman," for she was taken out of man.' For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh" (Genesis 2:23-24).
When part of your flesh is abruptly taken away, there is a ripping and a tearing that leaves a huge, open wound.
"Until you have experienced the death of a spouse, there is no way you can tell someone how deep the hurt is. The Lord says that we are one flesh, and suddenly half of that flesh is torn from us," says Beth.
For me losing Mel was devastating. I think the hardest part was that we had had such faith that God was going to heal Mel and we would have more time together. I felt very betrayed by God (still do sometimes) that he had taken Mel from me and left me alone to do the things we had wanted to do together. I loved Mel so much. He was always so kind to me, and I never doubted his love for me. I am trying to learn that Mel's death was not something "God did to me".
I guess through all of this I just want you all to know that even when I have been hurt by some of you I know that you love me. I know this is not an easy thing to be on "either end of". Grief is hell. It can devour you if you let it. If I didn't have my kids to take care of, it would have been very easy for me to let it devour me.
One of the hardest things about not having Mel is that I am "on" 24/7 with my kids. While I love them to the ends of the earth and back, there are times that I would love to have time to myself. I question the decisions I make, and I always try to think what Mel would say about what to do in certain situations.
I know that day by day my feelings change, my highs and lows change, but the thing that never changes is that I love my friends and family. I want you to know that all in all I think you have all done a pretty good job of helping me without knowing what to do to help me.
