Wednesday, October 3, 2012
Wednesday, August 22, 2012
Empathy (I Hope)
Recently I have found out about some people I know who have been diagnosed with kidney cancer. One of them is an old friend from high school who was diagnosed with Stage IV kidney cancer just like Mel was and the other is my cousin's daughter a young 23-year-old single mom of two young children. It breaks my heart when I hear news like this (I know I don't have the market on this, it affects everyone who hears about it in one way or another). I am sad to think of someone from my past, whom I haven't seen or talked to in 14 years, will likely die and leave a wife and children behind. It breaks open old wounds on my heart. I am sad to think that my cousin's precious child has cancer, maybe it's gone, maybe it won't come back, but once it has been said you have cancer I think the thought of it having been there at all is always niggling at the back of your mind.
I think back to when my mom lost her sisters and brother. Her older sister, Merle died of lung cancer. Never smoked in her life except shirtless in the back of a pickup truck with my mom and their other sister and their children (there is a story behind that). At the time she died she was driving a souped up Camaro. She was my "cool" aunt, the one I could talk about anything with. She fought cancer with everything she had. I saw her a lot between the time she was diagnosed and passed away. Every time I saw here, there was a little bit less of her there. The one time I knew for sure that she knew she was going to die my parents and I, Merle and her husband Paul, had all gone to Albuquerque to see my mom's baby sister who also had cancer. We went to a 50s styles restaurant, and Bonnie (mom's baby sister) wanted us all to sign our napkins and put the date on them, and aunt Merle didn't want to do it. I knew then and there she knew she was going to die. She was usually the ring leader of these kinds of silly, fun things. My mom nursed both of her sisters to the ends of their lives (mom was a nurse). A little bit of her died with each of them. When my mom was a little girl, she went to kindergarten twice because when Merle went she couldn't stand to be away from her while she was at school.
My aunt Bonnie lived in Seattle when she was diagnosed with breast cancer. She had a mastectomy and was assured by her surgeon that she needed no further treatment. Not long after that she moved to Albuquerque and was found to have metastatic breast cancer in her liver. The only thing that made me feel better with her cancer is that she did not have the excruciating pain that aunt Merle had with her cancer. Bonnie was such a dear sweet lady. She always had a ready smile and a laugh and LOVED to shop (I think the gene has been passed on to my daughter). Once when she was in the hospital to have a blood clot filter placed, the hospital auxilary was having a jewelry sale and she insisted on being put in a wheelchair and all of "us girls" going down to buy some jewelry. My mom lost another piece of her life when she lost her baby sister. You see mom and aunt Merle had practically raised Bonnie. They remember her being born and them putting blankets in a dresser drawer for a safe place for her to sleep, and they took care of her.
My mom's brother Ralph died without my mom being there. Mom and dad had gone to Utah because Ralph was sick. He died as they were pulling into the hospital parking lot. My mom felt a sense of betrayal and loss for not being able to see him once more or to be with him when he died. I told mom that I thought God knew she had had enough of watching her siblings die and I don't think Ralph wanted her to go through that either. All three of her siblings died within just a few years. She was raw for a long time after that. I felt that way when Mel died. I felt cheated. I still think to myself what if he was scared or could have spoken one last time and I wasn't there to comfort him or to hold his hand when he passed from this life to the next.
When my sister Lois was diagnosed with breast cancer, I wanted so badly to be with her. I knew she was scared, but she was also determined and brave. The night my mom came to tell me Lois had cancer, I called her (mom) a liar. I told my mom there was no way my beautiful sister could have cancer. I put the kids to bed and went to bed early. Mel was working nights, and I remember I lay awake all night crying, longing for him to come home and hold me tight. I felt so alone that night. Little did I know 2-1/2 years later I would lose my strong, handsome, funny, flirty, kind husband to cancer. Lois told me she was scared at night, and when Mel came home from work at 1:30 in the morning, we would pray for God to be with her and give her strength and peace and courage. She told me she didn't know what to pray and I told her "just call out the name of Jesus and He will be with you, He will know what you need and what you want to say".
The day Mel was diagnosed with cancer, I had to go to the bathroom at the doctor's scheduling office to compose myself. I was curled up on the hard, cold floor and called my sister. She helped me be strong enough to get out of that office and into the car with Mel so we could go home and decide what to tell Nicole. I told Mel as we drove out of the parking lot that day that our lives would never be the same again, and they weren't. There were a lot of good times, fun, laughter and more love in those years we had left together. We used talk at night in bed, all four of us, and we would share a memory of that day that had made it special for us. I wish now I had written all of that down, but it's still in my heart.
Today I heard from a friend about a family member of hers whose husband is very near death. She is a young woman with a 3-year-old baby. I am absolutely horrified of what she is going to have to go through. You are never ready, never prepared for that kind of life event. I have never met this lady and I just want to reach out and hug her and tell her that it isn't okay, it will never be okay, it will never get better (maybe just a little easier) as time goes on to say a final goodbye to the man you love and the daddy that small baby loves.
So now that all of this has been said, I want to say that what I am going to say next is very selfish and self-serving of me, but it is the way I feel. I don't want to hear about people who according to a doctor should have died years ago from a rare cancer, and they are still alive and Mel is dead. I don't want to hear of new cancer treatments that might save a life or even cure cancer when it is too late for Mel and me. I don't want to hear that the treatment Mel had gave someone else five more years with their family. On the flip side of the coin, I would never wish cancer on anyone, I would never want anyone to have to lose the love of their life, I would never want another child to ever lose their daddy like my kids did, and I don't want people I care about to be afraid to share news with me just because I don't want to hear. I want to know and be involved in the lives of the people I love, good and bad and all the in between. I just wanted to have more time with Mel, and that will never change, but I still want to throw myself on the floor and scream like hell and want to know why me, why us, why my kids.
I know in my head (or what's left of my brain at this age) that this is the same for people everywhere, everyday, all over the world. I am not the only person to have suffered this kind of loss, heard devastating news, watched the horrifying details of a disease who eats away a little bit every day of the person you love. I want people to know that I know they feel that way too. I also want them to know that no one will ever know exactly what it is like because we are all so different. Sometimes I just don't want to hear it because I know the pain and heartache it is going to bring to the next family who has to hear it, and I know how horrifying the aftermath is and that it takes a long time to start to see the light, to see the clouds lifting, to feel the dead weight of grief ease a little bit, and also to know that all of those things come crashing back at you in waves when you least expect it.
This is how I sum up cancer, one of my passwords is f*&* cancer, and I mean it.
I think back to when my mom lost her sisters and brother. Her older sister, Merle died of lung cancer. Never smoked in her life except shirtless in the back of a pickup truck with my mom and their other sister and their children (there is a story behind that). At the time she died she was driving a souped up Camaro. She was my "cool" aunt, the one I could talk about anything with. She fought cancer with everything she had. I saw her a lot between the time she was diagnosed and passed away. Every time I saw here, there was a little bit less of her there. The one time I knew for sure that she knew she was going to die my parents and I, Merle and her husband Paul, had all gone to Albuquerque to see my mom's baby sister who also had cancer. We went to a 50s styles restaurant, and Bonnie (mom's baby sister) wanted us all to sign our napkins and put the date on them, and aunt Merle didn't want to do it. I knew then and there she knew she was going to die. She was usually the ring leader of these kinds of silly, fun things. My mom nursed both of her sisters to the ends of their lives (mom was a nurse). A little bit of her died with each of them. When my mom was a little girl, she went to kindergarten twice because when Merle went she couldn't stand to be away from her while she was at school.
My aunt Bonnie lived in Seattle when she was diagnosed with breast cancer. She had a mastectomy and was assured by her surgeon that she needed no further treatment. Not long after that she moved to Albuquerque and was found to have metastatic breast cancer in her liver. The only thing that made me feel better with her cancer is that she did not have the excruciating pain that aunt Merle had with her cancer. Bonnie was such a dear sweet lady. She always had a ready smile and a laugh and LOVED to shop (I think the gene has been passed on to my daughter). Once when she was in the hospital to have a blood clot filter placed, the hospital auxilary was having a jewelry sale and she insisted on being put in a wheelchair and all of "us girls" going down to buy some jewelry. My mom lost another piece of her life when she lost her baby sister. You see mom and aunt Merle had practically raised Bonnie. They remember her being born and them putting blankets in a dresser drawer for a safe place for her to sleep, and they took care of her.
My mom's brother Ralph died without my mom being there. Mom and dad had gone to Utah because Ralph was sick. He died as they were pulling into the hospital parking lot. My mom felt a sense of betrayal and loss for not being able to see him once more or to be with him when he died. I told mom that I thought God knew she had had enough of watching her siblings die and I don't think Ralph wanted her to go through that either. All three of her siblings died within just a few years. She was raw for a long time after that. I felt that way when Mel died. I felt cheated. I still think to myself what if he was scared or could have spoken one last time and I wasn't there to comfort him or to hold his hand when he passed from this life to the next.
When my sister Lois was diagnosed with breast cancer, I wanted so badly to be with her. I knew she was scared, but she was also determined and brave. The night my mom came to tell me Lois had cancer, I called her (mom) a liar. I told my mom there was no way my beautiful sister could have cancer. I put the kids to bed and went to bed early. Mel was working nights, and I remember I lay awake all night crying, longing for him to come home and hold me tight. I felt so alone that night. Little did I know 2-1/2 years later I would lose my strong, handsome, funny, flirty, kind husband to cancer. Lois told me she was scared at night, and when Mel came home from work at 1:30 in the morning, we would pray for God to be with her and give her strength and peace and courage. She told me she didn't know what to pray and I told her "just call out the name of Jesus and He will be with you, He will know what you need and what you want to say".
The day Mel was diagnosed with cancer, I had to go to the bathroom at the doctor's scheduling office to compose myself. I was curled up on the hard, cold floor and called my sister. She helped me be strong enough to get out of that office and into the car with Mel so we could go home and decide what to tell Nicole. I told Mel as we drove out of the parking lot that day that our lives would never be the same again, and they weren't. There were a lot of good times, fun, laughter and more love in those years we had left together. We used talk at night in bed, all four of us, and we would share a memory of that day that had made it special for us. I wish now I had written all of that down, but it's still in my heart.
Today I heard from a friend about a family member of hers whose husband is very near death. She is a young woman with a 3-year-old baby. I am absolutely horrified of what she is going to have to go through. You are never ready, never prepared for that kind of life event. I have never met this lady and I just want to reach out and hug her and tell her that it isn't okay, it will never be okay, it will never get better (maybe just a little easier) as time goes on to say a final goodbye to the man you love and the daddy that small baby loves.
So now that all of this has been said, I want to say that what I am going to say next is very selfish and self-serving of me, but it is the way I feel. I don't want to hear about people who according to a doctor should have died years ago from a rare cancer, and they are still alive and Mel is dead. I don't want to hear of new cancer treatments that might save a life or even cure cancer when it is too late for Mel and me. I don't want to hear that the treatment Mel had gave someone else five more years with their family. On the flip side of the coin, I would never wish cancer on anyone, I would never want anyone to have to lose the love of their life, I would never want another child to ever lose their daddy like my kids did, and I don't want people I care about to be afraid to share news with me just because I don't want to hear. I want to know and be involved in the lives of the people I love, good and bad and all the in between. I just wanted to have more time with Mel, and that will never change, but I still want to throw myself on the floor and scream like hell and want to know why me, why us, why my kids.
I know in my head (or what's left of my brain at this age) that this is the same for people everywhere, everyday, all over the world. I am not the only person to have suffered this kind of loss, heard devastating news, watched the horrifying details of a disease who eats away a little bit every day of the person you love. I want people to know that I know they feel that way too. I also want them to know that no one will ever know exactly what it is like because we are all so different. Sometimes I just don't want to hear it because I know the pain and heartache it is going to bring to the next family who has to hear it, and I know how horrifying the aftermath is and that it takes a long time to start to see the light, to see the clouds lifting, to feel the dead weight of grief ease a little bit, and also to know that all of those things come crashing back at you in waves when you least expect it.
This is how I sum up cancer, one of my passwords is f*&* cancer, and I mean it.
Friday, August 17, 2012
Morals, or lack thereof
Today I had to go to Spokane to have a followup mammogram and ultrasound. Last year my mammogram was abnormal, and I had to have a needle biopsy done. So this was a followup to see if the mass had changed at all, and Praise the Lord it had not, so I just need yearly mammograms now.
Now to tackle the morals issue. We were driving down Division Street in Spokane, and there was a very scantily dressed young "lady" outside her place of business trying to wave down business. I think it was a coffed place of all things. She was wearing either a bra or a very skimpy bikini top and a pair of jean shorts that, shall we say, left nothing to the imagination. She was on the sidewalk waving to everyone and motioning them to come get a "coffee".
This really made me think about the moral decline of our entire society. I also thought that the people ogling this young girl needed to think if that was they way they wanted their mom/wife/daughter/girlfriend to be ogled at in the same way by hundreds of people driving by. I know I don't ever want anyone to see Nicole like that, and Mel would have killed them for it.
It also made me wonder why parents would purchase these kinds of outfits for their daughters to wear. Here at the school in Odessa the girls wear "booty shorts", slippers, pretty much anything goes. I remember when I dressed for school (ok I know it was like a million years ago), we dressed conservatively and were taught at HOME to respect our elders and our teachers. In elementary school the only time we could wear pants was if it was too cold, and then we wore them under our dresses, and once we got to school we were sent to the bathroom to take them off. For PE we had a pair of shorts to wear under our dresses.
I also wonder about the choices young ladies make in their bathing suit attire and anything else that reveals a lot of flesh. Then I go back to the fact that I would not want anyone looking at my daughter the way men look at young ladies in the skimpiest of bathing suits. I also think men should have the dignity to avert their eyes when they something like this.
Nicole dropped out of dance class this year because of the fact that in one of the dances they were supposed to wear jean shorts, cowboy boots, a white T-shirt and a plaid blouse over the shirt. When she went to practice her instructor informed her that her shorts were not short enough, and her shirt was not tight enough. After seeing the video of the recital, I was thankful that Nicole had not wanted to perform in that recital and show her body to everyone in the audience. During most of the dances the girls were pulling their shorts down, and I think it made them uncomfortable to wear that short of shorts, or they would not have been frantically pulling on their shorts everytime they had a chance. At the end of one of the dance numbers (the one with the short shorts, cowboy boots and a hoodie, at the end the girls unzippled their hoodies, and on their shirts they had written "I'm sexy and I know it". One girl painted 2 crosses on her shirt, one over each breast, and I thought why don't these parents step in and have a voice in what these girls are wearing to dance in and to have a voice in the numbers they dance to.
I don't understand why so many people are okay with young girls flaunting their bodies whereever they go. It has been proven that men focus on the body and what they can SEE visually on women and that women are attracted to men for their kindness/respect and other things like that rather than just "seeing" the kind of body he has. I think we need to raise up our boys to be respectful and not ogle the bodies of girls who flaunt "what they've got" for the whole world to see, and we also need to teach our girls that modesty is a good thing, and that the way to get positive attention from the opposite sex is not by "flaunting what they've got" for the whole world to see.
I have a friend who has four sons, and they are very vigilant in what they look at. They have a code word "Nike" and anyone in the family can say these when they feel they are looking at something that is not modest, and all of them (including mom and dad) avert their eyes. They are trying to raise Godly men in a world filled with sin, and I admire them for that.
Mel and I have also taught Nicole that you need to be modest in what you wear, and that modesty is something that God wants us to practice. Remember Sodom. Nicole wears a 2-piece bathing suit, but the top has to come down and cover the waist of her bottoms, and she wears a pair of shorts over her bottoms most of the time. She wears shorts and skirts at the knee or lower, or she wears leggings with anything shorter. I think we need to raise our children to respect their own bodies, so that when it is time to date they know what limits to put out there and expecting their "dates" to respect their limitations as much as they do.
My goal in raising my children is first and foremost I want them to be born again Christian's, I want them to know the Word of God and understand it as it applies to daily life. I want them to care enough about themselves that they don't look for approval in the opposite sex to fulfill what is lacking when it comes to their self-perspective. I want Daniel and Nicole to know that if they wait upon the Lord, he has already picked out a perfect mate for each of them. I want them to know that every little piece of yourself you give to others of the opposite sex is one less thing you have to give to the mate God has chosen for them. I want them to know that no matter how the world judges their appearance that God created them to look exactly they way they look, and there is no shame in anything that God has created. I don't want them to make the bad choices I made and have had to live with for my entire life. I want them to be able to talk to me about anything, which I was never able to do with my own parents. This is why we do scripture memorization, bible teachings and devotionals.
I tell Nicole all the time that when you first become friends with someone, have common interest, desires and beliefs, that is how a mature relationship starts to grow. I tell her how Mel and I were friends for about six months before anything romantic happened, and that the best compliment he gave me was that I would not have to worry about physical pressure from him, that he just wanted to be my friend and see where it went after that. I want Nicole to know that if boys are demanding physical attention from her, that they probably don't have her best interests at heart, and that if she communicates with them her limitations and beliefs, if they continue to pressure her, then they really are not thinking of her best interests or respecting her choices.
I know a lot of people don't agree with my feelings about this issue, but it is something I feel very strongly about and hope to instill these beliefs in my children. Modesty and protecting your virtue is no laughing matter and should not be something to be ashamed of or coaxed into dropping your guard about.
The most important thing is to commit your lives to Jesus Christ and confess your sins and let Him lead you in the direction you should go, this way you will always make the best choice possible.
Now to tackle the morals issue. We were driving down Division Street in Spokane, and there was a very scantily dressed young "lady" outside her place of business trying to wave down business. I think it was a coffed place of all things. She was wearing either a bra or a very skimpy bikini top and a pair of jean shorts that, shall we say, left nothing to the imagination. She was on the sidewalk waving to everyone and motioning them to come get a "coffee".
This really made me think about the moral decline of our entire society. I also thought that the people ogling this young girl needed to think if that was they way they wanted their mom/wife/daughter/girlfriend to be ogled at in the same way by hundreds of people driving by. I know I don't ever want anyone to see Nicole like that, and Mel would have killed them for it.
It also made me wonder why parents would purchase these kinds of outfits for their daughters to wear. Here at the school in Odessa the girls wear "booty shorts", slippers, pretty much anything goes. I remember when I dressed for school (ok I know it was like a million years ago), we dressed conservatively and were taught at HOME to respect our elders and our teachers. In elementary school the only time we could wear pants was if it was too cold, and then we wore them under our dresses, and once we got to school we were sent to the bathroom to take them off. For PE we had a pair of shorts to wear under our dresses.
I also wonder about the choices young ladies make in their bathing suit attire and anything else that reveals a lot of flesh. Then I go back to the fact that I would not want anyone looking at my daughter the way men look at young ladies in the skimpiest of bathing suits. I also think men should have the dignity to avert their eyes when they something like this.
Nicole dropped out of dance class this year because of the fact that in one of the dances they were supposed to wear jean shorts, cowboy boots, a white T-shirt and a plaid blouse over the shirt. When she went to practice her instructor informed her that her shorts were not short enough, and her shirt was not tight enough. After seeing the video of the recital, I was thankful that Nicole had not wanted to perform in that recital and show her body to everyone in the audience. During most of the dances the girls were pulling their shorts down, and I think it made them uncomfortable to wear that short of shorts, or they would not have been frantically pulling on their shorts everytime they had a chance. At the end of one of the dance numbers (the one with the short shorts, cowboy boots and a hoodie, at the end the girls unzippled their hoodies, and on their shirts they had written "I'm sexy and I know it". One girl painted 2 crosses on her shirt, one over each breast, and I thought why don't these parents step in and have a voice in what these girls are wearing to dance in and to have a voice in the numbers they dance to.
I don't understand why so many people are okay with young girls flaunting their bodies whereever they go. It has been proven that men focus on the body and what they can SEE visually on women and that women are attracted to men for their kindness/respect and other things like that rather than just "seeing" the kind of body he has. I think we need to raise up our boys to be respectful and not ogle the bodies of girls who flaunt "what they've got" for the whole world to see, and we also need to teach our girls that modesty is a good thing, and that the way to get positive attention from the opposite sex is not by "flaunting what they've got" for the whole world to see.
I have a friend who has four sons, and they are very vigilant in what they look at. They have a code word "Nike" and anyone in the family can say these when they feel they are looking at something that is not modest, and all of them (including mom and dad) avert their eyes. They are trying to raise Godly men in a world filled with sin, and I admire them for that.
Mel and I have also taught Nicole that you need to be modest in what you wear, and that modesty is something that God wants us to practice. Remember Sodom. Nicole wears a 2-piece bathing suit, but the top has to come down and cover the waist of her bottoms, and she wears a pair of shorts over her bottoms most of the time. She wears shorts and skirts at the knee or lower, or she wears leggings with anything shorter. I think we need to raise our children to respect their own bodies, so that when it is time to date they know what limits to put out there and expecting their "dates" to respect their limitations as much as they do.
My goal in raising my children is first and foremost I want them to be born again Christian's, I want them to know the Word of God and understand it as it applies to daily life. I want them to care enough about themselves that they don't look for approval in the opposite sex to fulfill what is lacking when it comes to their self-perspective. I want Daniel and Nicole to know that if they wait upon the Lord, he has already picked out a perfect mate for each of them. I want them to know that every little piece of yourself you give to others of the opposite sex is one less thing you have to give to the mate God has chosen for them. I want them to know that no matter how the world judges their appearance that God created them to look exactly they way they look, and there is no shame in anything that God has created. I don't want them to make the bad choices I made and have had to live with for my entire life. I want them to be able to talk to me about anything, which I was never able to do with my own parents. This is why we do scripture memorization, bible teachings and devotionals.
I tell Nicole all the time that when you first become friends with someone, have common interest, desires and beliefs, that is how a mature relationship starts to grow. I tell her how Mel and I were friends for about six months before anything romantic happened, and that the best compliment he gave me was that I would not have to worry about physical pressure from him, that he just wanted to be my friend and see where it went after that. I want Nicole to know that if boys are demanding physical attention from her, that they probably don't have her best interests at heart, and that if she communicates with them her limitations and beliefs, if they continue to pressure her, then they really are not thinking of her best interests or respecting her choices.
I know a lot of people don't agree with my feelings about this issue, but it is something I feel very strongly about and hope to instill these beliefs in my children. Modesty and protecting your virtue is no laughing matter and should not be something to be ashamed of or coaxed into dropping your guard about.
The most important thing is to commit your lives to Jesus Christ and confess your sins and let Him lead you in the direction you should go, this way you will always make the best choice possible.
Wednesday, August 15, 2012
Stinging Words
gos·sip 
(g
s
p) KEY
NOUN:
gos·siped, gos·sip·ing, gos·sips
Gossip hurts. Even when it is the truth, it hurts to know people we trust and love talk about us behind our backs. I do it too, so I personally take blame for my participation in forms of gossip. If I have ever hurt you by something I said behind your back, feel free to call me on it. The thing about gossip is that I may have said or done whatever the gossip is about, or somebody may have heard about it from so and so that I said it or did it, so I think I should at least get the chance to be honest with you and admit it if I said and to declare it an untruth if I didn't say it.
Women are great gossipers, but I know a few guys who are really good at it too. Men are just generally more close-mouthed than we girls are. Gossip can ruin a career, a relationship, a life. Even Jesus cautions us about gossiping. When I moved to Odessa last year, I joined a ladies bible study. These women are very close to me, and we have an understanding that our private conversations and prayer needs or just trials we each go through are to remain confidential. I have shared a lot with these women I trust that I don't want anyone else to hear. I say it to them because they are my "safe people". They can look at things objectively for me and maybe point out to me a different take on what I am upset about or worried about. We also did a bible study on how to be a better wife. That was hard for me since I had just lost Mel. It talked a lot about gossiping and how as wives we need to protect our husband's from idle talk and our families as well, and we do this from protecting ourselves from gossip.
Gossip covers a wide variety of topics from child rearing, child discipline, personal habits, housekeeping, spending habits, affairs of the heart, speculation about affairs of the heart, and feeling like you have the right to judge people for the way they do any of the above.
When Mel was sick, many times we had news from doctors that we intentionally did not share with everyone. We didn't think our kids needed to know all the details of his illness. During this time there were people who thought Mel should do more physically, do more with the kids, do more to help me, but what they didn't know was that he was in excruciating pain and wasn't able to do those things. At the time we told only the people taking care of us how much pain he was in, and it was very painful when I would hear some of the things people said about him just being lazy, or just using "cancer" as an excuse not to do the things he should have been doing, in their minds at least.
There have also been times when I have made assumptions about people, their decisions, their way of life, their discipline or lack thereof, and I know that I have to be very careful what I say and do. I think we would all do a better job of caring for each other if we would just take the time to talk to the people we are "talking about". If you are going to talk about someone, they should at least have the chance to defend themselves or correct the information or confirm it if they choose. Maybe they don't want to talk about it, and that is their choice. If you see someone struggling, hurting, being dragged down by circumstances, why not offer a kind gesture, a word of hope or encouragement, or hand up or a hand out, help them do the things they don't seem to be able to do for whatever reason. Just be a "good Samaritan" and jump in and help, and then don't go around telling everyone what you did for that person. People who care about each other should just help each other without having the need to report all the grisly details to anyone who will listen.
I am so thankful to the Lord that I have "my ladies" who have my back and will (and have) done whatever I needed them to do in the darkest time of my life and during the darkest corners "in my mind". I didn't even have to ask, they just helped me, and guess what? They did it with a servant's heart and didn't tell anyone about it. I love you "my lovely ladies". I only hope I have the chance to reciprocate or help someone else in need, that is hurting, that is paralyzed in fear, emotions, grief or whatever they are going through and help them. I don't want to be the person on the other end of the conversation telling the details of what someone needed to do for me, that I could NOT do for myself, and seem to take pleasure in the telling of it. I want to serve with a servant's heart and love with a Jesus heart.
I know I have a long way to go. I am a work in progress. As the saying goes "Be patient with me God isn't finished with me yet". We are all works in progress. Let's be kind to each other, love each other, help each other, and do it without the guilty pleasure of talking smack.
Let's be friends and love one another
(gsp) KEYNOUN:
- Rumor or talk of a personal, sensational, or intimate nature.
- A person who habitually spreads intimate or private rumors or facts.
- Trivial, chatty talk or writing.
- A close friend or companion.
- Chiefly British A godparent.
gos·siped, gos·sip·ing, gos·sips
- To engage in or spread gossip.
Gossip hurts. Even when it is the truth, it hurts to know people we trust and love talk about us behind our backs. I do it too, so I personally take blame for my participation in forms of gossip. If I have ever hurt you by something I said behind your back, feel free to call me on it. The thing about gossip is that I may have said or done whatever the gossip is about, or somebody may have heard about it from so and so that I said it or did it, so I think I should at least get the chance to be honest with you and admit it if I said and to declare it an untruth if I didn't say it.
Women are great gossipers, but I know a few guys who are really good at it too. Men are just generally more close-mouthed than we girls are. Gossip can ruin a career, a relationship, a life. Even Jesus cautions us about gossiping. When I moved to Odessa last year, I joined a ladies bible study. These women are very close to me, and we have an understanding that our private conversations and prayer needs or just trials we each go through are to remain confidential. I have shared a lot with these women I trust that I don't want anyone else to hear. I say it to them because they are my "safe people". They can look at things objectively for me and maybe point out to me a different take on what I am upset about or worried about. We also did a bible study on how to be a better wife. That was hard for me since I had just lost Mel. It talked a lot about gossiping and how as wives we need to protect our husband's from idle talk and our families as well, and we do this from protecting ourselves from gossip.
Gossip covers a wide variety of topics from child rearing, child discipline, personal habits, housekeeping, spending habits, affairs of the heart, speculation about affairs of the heart, and feeling like you have the right to judge people for the way they do any of the above.
When Mel was sick, many times we had news from doctors that we intentionally did not share with everyone. We didn't think our kids needed to know all the details of his illness. During this time there were people who thought Mel should do more physically, do more with the kids, do more to help me, but what they didn't know was that he was in excruciating pain and wasn't able to do those things. At the time we told only the people taking care of us how much pain he was in, and it was very painful when I would hear some of the things people said about him just being lazy, or just using "cancer" as an excuse not to do the things he should have been doing, in their minds at least.
There have also been times when I have made assumptions about people, their decisions, their way of life, their discipline or lack thereof, and I know that I have to be very careful what I say and do. I think we would all do a better job of caring for each other if we would just take the time to talk to the people we are "talking about". If you are going to talk about someone, they should at least have the chance to defend themselves or correct the information or confirm it if they choose. Maybe they don't want to talk about it, and that is their choice. If you see someone struggling, hurting, being dragged down by circumstances, why not offer a kind gesture, a word of hope or encouragement, or hand up or a hand out, help them do the things they don't seem to be able to do for whatever reason. Just be a "good Samaritan" and jump in and help, and then don't go around telling everyone what you did for that person. People who care about each other should just help each other without having the need to report all the grisly details to anyone who will listen.
I am so thankful to the Lord that I have "my ladies" who have my back and will (and have) done whatever I needed them to do in the darkest time of my life and during the darkest corners "in my mind". I didn't even have to ask, they just helped me, and guess what? They did it with a servant's heart and didn't tell anyone about it. I love you "my lovely ladies". I only hope I have the chance to reciprocate or help someone else in need, that is hurting, that is paralyzed in fear, emotions, grief or whatever they are going through and help them. I don't want to be the person on the other end of the conversation telling the details of what someone needed to do for me, that I could NOT do for myself, and seem to take pleasure in the telling of it. I want to serve with a servant's heart and love with a Jesus heart.
I know I have a long way to go. I am a work in progress. As the saying goes "Be patient with me God isn't finished with me yet". We are all works in progress. Let's be kind to each other, love each other, help each other, and do it without the guilty pleasure of talking smack.
Let's be friends and love one another
noun
1.
a person attached to another by feelings of affection or personal regard.
3.
a person who is on good terms with another; a person who is not hostile: Who goes there? Friend or foe?
4.
a member of the same nation, party, etc.
Friday, July 13, 2012
Backwards facing Forward
This has been a horribly lonely week for me. Actually I have been lonely since we got back from Colorado. Making that drive this time was almost as hard as it was last year when we moved here. I was still without Mel, and I am still very lonely for him.
This week our little poodle/terrier mix dog Zoie died. I had put Zoie and Sugar on leashes in the kitchen with a blanket for them to sleep on. I have left them in the kitchen like this before. Sometime during the night they became so entangled in the leashes that Zoie was strangled and Sugar had the leashes wound so tightly around her right hind leg so tightly that I thought she might lose the leg. I had to use Cutco garden shears to cut the leashes apart to get them off the dogs, that's how tight they were. I could not believe Zoie was dead. I was so mad at myself for leaving them in the kitchen. Luckily Sugar's leg has improved to where she is now using it. I called Lois that morning to tell her what had happened. The kids were still asleep, and I didn't want them to wake up to see Zoie dead on the kitchen floor. Soon there was a knock on the back door, and it was Lois. She had come and dug a grave for Zoie behind the garage. I wrapped her in one of Nicole's baby blankets, and Lois took her out and buried her. I was so grateful for this act of kindness. It reminded me of the time I was staying with Lois and her black lab Maggie got hit by a car and died while Lois was in town. I dug her grave and buried her for Lois before she had to see what she looked like. I was so comforted by this single act of love and kindness.
I went to the doctor this week for my yearly physical. Seeing her made me realize how much better I feel daily than I did when I first saw her several months ago. She said she could see a vast improvement in my demeanor, so why do I still feel to crappy.
I have suffered from depression for most of my adult life (and probably before then). I had taken antidepressants for years, but quit taking them a year or so before I met Mel. I did fine off of them until Mel's cancer was diagnosed. My doctor had to put me on two different antidepressants to manage my depression and to help me try to function in the war zone called cancer. Of course, when Mel died my depression increased lots, or I think it did. Sometimes I think it was just the grief that made me feel so much more depressed. There were many times over the past year without Mel that I have thought about taking my own life. I had always thought this was such a selfish act, but I can now see why people resort to suicide. It scares me to know that I have been that close to making that decision, and I thank God for my kids and my faith and His guidance because those are the things that have kept me from doing the unthinkable. It's also a hard thing to admit. There were days I felt so bad that I couldn't believe I was alive. I didn't think it was possible to feel so horrible and still be alive and breathing. I can't say functioning because there were many days when I could not function. I wish people understood more about grief, but I realize now that knowledge only comes with experience, experience no one wants to list on their resume of life.
So where do I go from here? I thought I was doing so well, and now I've been knocked down again, only not so far down as before. I guess I keep facing forward even when I feel like I am moving backward. That's why I pray and thank God for the things I have learned this past year or so.
This is a picture of my mom, Nicole and Zoie the day we brought Zoie home.
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This week our little poodle/terrier mix dog Zoie died. I had put Zoie and Sugar on leashes in the kitchen with a blanket for them to sleep on. I have left them in the kitchen like this before. Sometime during the night they became so entangled in the leashes that Zoie was strangled and Sugar had the leashes wound so tightly around her right hind leg so tightly that I thought she might lose the leg. I had to use Cutco garden shears to cut the leashes apart to get them off the dogs, that's how tight they were. I could not believe Zoie was dead. I was so mad at myself for leaving them in the kitchen. Luckily Sugar's leg has improved to where she is now using it. I called Lois that morning to tell her what had happened. The kids were still asleep, and I didn't want them to wake up to see Zoie dead on the kitchen floor. Soon there was a knock on the back door, and it was Lois. She had come and dug a grave for Zoie behind the garage. I wrapped her in one of Nicole's baby blankets, and Lois took her out and buried her. I was so grateful for this act of kindness. It reminded me of the time I was staying with Lois and her black lab Maggie got hit by a car and died while Lois was in town. I dug her grave and buried her for Lois before she had to see what she looked like. I was so comforted by this single act of love and kindness.
I went to the doctor this week for my yearly physical. Seeing her made me realize how much better I feel daily than I did when I first saw her several months ago. She said she could see a vast improvement in my demeanor, so why do I still feel to crappy.
I have suffered from depression for most of my adult life (and probably before then). I had taken antidepressants for years, but quit taking them a year or so before I met Mel. I did fine off of them until Mel's cancer was diagnosed. My doctor had to put me on two different antidepressants to manage my depression and to help me try to function in the war zone called cancer. Of course, when Mel died my depression increased lots, or I think it did. Sometimes I think it was just the grief that made me feel so much more depressed. There were many times over the past year without Mel that I have thought about taking my own life. I had always thought this was such a selfish act, but I can now see why people resort to suicide. It scares me to know that I have been that close to making that decision, and I thank God for my kids and my faith and His guidance because those are the things that have kept me from doing the unthinkable. It's also a hard thing to admit. There were days I felt so bad that I couldn't believe I was alive. I didn't think it was possible to feel so horrible and still be alive and breathing. I can't say functioning because there were many days when I could not function. I wish people understood more about grief, but I realize now that knowledge only comes with experience, experience no one wants to list on their resume of life.
So where do I go from here? I thought I was doing so well, and now I've been knocked down again, only not so far down as before. I guess I keep facing forward even when I feel like I am moving backward. That's why I pray and thank God for the things I have learned this past year or so.
This is a picture of my mom, Nicole and Zoie the day we brought Zoie home.
Friday, July 6, 2012
Modesty
When did it become so appropriate for people to flaunt their bodies everywhere they go with little thought of what that says about them? Yesterday in Spokane the kids and I drove by a coffee shop. There was a very scantily clad young "lady" out in front with either a very bright red bra or a very skimpy bright red bikini top and the shortest pair of jean shorts possible, and she was standing on the sidewalk flagging people down for business. Made me wonder if it's really just a "coffee house".
I see it everywhere I go. Young girls dressed in clothing that is so inappropriate I wonder what is wrong with their parents that they will pay for their girls to dress in this kind of crap. I also wonder about the boys who walk around with their jeans falling off to show off their underwear. I heard that trend started in jail because when you go to jail they take your belt away from you so you don't use it to hurt yourself or others. I guess I have just never been interested in dressing like a jail inmate.
It also is very hard to buy clothes that are modest and what I consider to be appropriate for Nicole to wear. The new jeans are cut so that they ride so low on the waist that when the girls bend over you see their butt crack. I thought that was reserved for plumbers. I finally had to buy Nicole some half t-shirts that fit around her waist and hang down under her shirts so she can cover up her crack. I just don't understand why that should be a feature in clothing.
Then there are the "bootie shorts" I see girls wearing. They even wear them to school here. I especially dislike the ones that have words across the butts of them. My dad would have never let me out the door looking the way some girls dress. I also can't believe that the school doesn't have a stricter dress code or at least enforce the one they have. Some of the girls even wear their slippers to school. I guess Wal-Mart isn't the only place you can go to look at embarrassing wardrobes people choose.
Earlier this year Nicole quit dance class because of some of the costumes that were chosen for the girls to dance in. When they had a rehearsal and were supposed to bring all of the items they were supposed to wear and change into for each dance, she was told that her shorts were not short enough and that her shirt was not tight enough. It's pretty sad (to me at least) that an instructor of any sort would want to have students wear costumes that are so revealing. After all they are only schoolgirls. Then there was the number where they had T-shirts to write on that said sexy and I know it that were worn under zipped up hoodies until the end of the number when they unzipped the hoodies to reveal their shirts. I was proud that Nicole refused to be a part of this class and felt comfortable enough and confident enough about herself to just quit and say this is not for me.
I don't expect a lot of people to agree with me, but it is an instruction in the bible to not clothe yourself in a way so as to attract unwanted attention. The bible instructs that our focus should be on God and not on the effect we can have on others by showing ourselves scantily clad to them. I feel it is very harmful for the young girls of today to have this kind of image. I think they need to be taught and know that they are worth so much more than what they wear. They need to know that it is not necessary to show so much skin that they are found to be attractive by "the other sex". I also think it is harmful for our young men to look at these girls every day. Boys are so stimulated by things visual that these images stay with them forever. There is a Sunday school song the kids in the nursery sing that says:
"Be careful little eyes what you see, by careful little ears what you hear, be careful little mouth what you say, be careful little hands what you do because the Father up above is looking down in love, so be careful little eyes what you see, by careful little ears what you hear, be careful little mouth what you say, be careful little hands what you do."
I want Nicole and Daniel to know that who they are is not defined by how they dress or by how others perceive them to be. All children should know that they were created by God exactly the way they are, and it doesn't matter what other people or society sees when they look at them. I want them to know that they don't need to expose their bodies to get attention from anyone for anything.
I see it everywhere I go. Young girls dressed in clothing that is so inappropriate I wonder what is wrong with their parents that they will pay for their girls to dress in this kind of crap. I also wonder about the boys who walk around with their jeans falling off to show off their underwear. I heard that trend started in jail because when you go to jail they take your belt away from you so you don't use it to hurt yourself or others. I guess I have just never been interested in dressing like a jail inmate.
It also is very hard to buy clothes that are modest and what I consider to be appropriate for Nicole to wear. The new jeans are cut so that they ride so low on the waist that when the girls bend over you see their butt crack. I thought that was reserved for plumbers. I finally had to buy Nicole some half t-shirts that fit around her waist and hang down under her shirts so she can cover up her crack. I just don't understand why that should be a feature in clothing.
Then there are the "bootie shorts" I see girls wearing. They even wear them to school here. I especially dislike the ones that have words across the butts of them. My dad would have never let me out the door looking the way some girls dress. I also can't believe that the school doesn't have a stricter dress code or at least enforce the one they have. Some of the girls even wear their slippers to school. I guess Wal-Mart isn't the only place you can go to look at embarrassing wardrobes people choose.
Earlier this year Nicole quit dance class because of some of the costumes that were chosen for the girls to dance in. When they had a rehearsal and were supposed to bring all of the items they were supposed to wear and change into for each dance, she was told that her shorts were not short enough and that her shirt was not tight enough. It's pretty sad (to me at least) that an instructor of any sort would want to have students wear costumes that are so revealing. After all they are only schoolgirls. Then there was the number where they had T-shirts to write on that said sexy and I know it that were worn under zipped up hoodies until the end of the number when they unzipped the hoodies to reveal their shirts. I was proud that Nicole refused to be a part of this class and felt comfortable enough and confident enough about herself to just quit and say this is not for me.
I don't expect a lot of people to agree with me, but it is an instruction in the bible to not clothe yourself in a way so as to attract unwanted attention. The bible instructs that our focus should be on God and not on the effect we can have on others by showing ourselves scantily clad to them. I feel it is very harmful for the young girls of today to have this kind of image. I think they need to be taught and know that they are worth so much more than what they wear. They need to know that it is not necessary to show so much skin that they are found to be attractive by "the other sex". I also think it is harmful for our young men to look at these girls every day. Boys are so stimulated by things visual that these images stay with them forever. There is a Sunday school song the kids in the nursery sing that says:
"Be careful little eyes what you see, by careful little ears what you hear, be careful little mouth what you say, be careful little hands what you do because the Father up above is looking down in love, so be careful little eyes what you see, by careful little ears what you hear, be careful little mouth what you say, be careful little hands what you do."
I want Nicole and Daniel to know that who they are is not defined by how they dress or by how others perceive them to be. All children should know that they were created by God exactly the way they are, and it doesn't matter what other people or society sees when they look at them. I want them to know that they don't need to expose their bodies to get attention from anyone for anything.
Tuesday, July 3, 2012
Another Move
The kids and I recently returned to Washington after spending the month of June in Pueblo, Colorado. We had a wonderful time visiting all our friends and staying with my parents. We also had the pleasure of attending the wedding of one of my favorite cousins, Diana (Annie). It was a wonderful day for them, and though it was a bit hard for me to be at a wedding (the first since I lost Mel), it was a moving experience for me to witness what God has done in my family over the course of the last 30+ years. My brother, cousin, and I used to be quite the partiers. Since then we have all committed our lives to Jesus Christ, and my brother actually performed the marriage ceremony. It was a proud moment for me to witness him doing this. He also joked that when it was time to ask for objections, he would have to be the one to object because Diana and Andy (my brother) always said they were going to marry each other.
During this trip home I also experienced sadness at seeing how old my parents are getting. You never think of that growing up, but one day you look at them and realize they are getting more frail and more forgetful and more tired, and the list goes on. My mom has lost a lot of weight and is very shaky at times. My dad is stiff with arthritis from all the hard labor he has done over the years. I looked at them and and knew I had to go back to Colorado. The biggest reason is that I don't want my kids to lose the time they have left on this earth to be together, and I have such a feeling of gratitude to them for what they have helped me endure over the past few years. They were my rock and security dealing with Mel's diagnosis, his surgery, all the trips to Denver and ultimately his death. They would never expect this of me or ask me to pick up and move to help care for them in their later years, but I feel like it would be an honor for me to care for them, and it will also help teach my kids that family is important and you care for them when they are unable to care for themselves. All this being said, we will be putting our home in Odessa on the market, and when it sells we will be moving back to Colorado, and we are praying for a quick sale. It will be a bittersweet move just like the move me made to come to Washington. I will miss my family here and all the wonderful friends I have made who have helped me to heal and who have loved us so much this past year.
During this trip home I also experienced sadness at seeing how old my parents are getting. You never think of that growing up, but one day you look at them and realize they are getting more frail and more forgetful and more tired, and the list goes on. My mom has lost a lot of weight and is very shaky at times. My dad is stiff with arthritis from all the hard labor he has done over the years. I looked at them and and knew I had to go back to Colorado. The biggest reason is that I don't want my kids to lose the time they have left on this earth to be together, and I have such a feeling of gratitude to them for what they have helped me endure over the past few years. They were my rock and security dealing with Mel's diagnosis, his surgery, all the trips to Denver and ultimately his death. They would never expect this of me or ask me to pick up and move to help care for them in their later years, but I feel like it would be an honor for me to care for them, and it will also help teach my kids that family is important and you care for them when they are unable to care for themselves. All this being said, we will be putting our home in Odessa on the market, and when it sells we will be moving back to Colorado, and we are praying for a quick sale. It will be a bittersweet move just like the move me made to come to Washington. I will miss my family here and all the wonderful friends I have made who have helped me to heal and who have loved us so much this past year.
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I got up early this morning because I forgot today is “trash day”, and I have a lot of trash this week. After reading your post I sat here and thought about the trash and filthy garbage that Satan likes to fill our minds with. He takes great joy in the things that frighten us and take hold of us even for a few seconds, because during those few second we are not focused on the love of Jesus Christ and all that He has done for us and is doing for us. I have my own fair share of “trash” that I carry around, and usually it is the same “trash” over and over again.
I have trash (fear) about the future. I worry about whether or not I will move home again, and then I worry about leaving Odessa behind and all the wonderful people God has brought into our lives to bless us and love us here in Odessa. See I let fear sneak in even when it comes to a blessing God has given me. I wonder how many times we do that. I am embarrassed to say I do it a lot. I try to take just one day at a time, live in the moment, live in the day that I am in. When I look too far into the future I get so scared. I see my kids growing up, leaving home, starting lives and families of their own, and in my mind's eye I see an old lady alone and lonely. Satan doesn't even let me consider the possibility that my kids might live near by or that I might have a friend or two to share my life with. Satan doesn't want me to see that, but God wants me to trust for "I know the plans that I have made for you, plans for you to prosper" (sorry bible study girls I don't remember where the verse is or know it word for word). God would never plan for me what Satan wants me to think. God loves me, yes even me.
I have trash (fear) that I can't be an effective single parent. Every day I think in my mind "what would Mel say about this, how would Mel react to this". Satan gets me to question this, because Mel and I inevitably thought the same about discipline, love and training and bringing up of our kids. We never argued about it, and when we talked about it we were always on the same page. So here again Satan wants me to think I am ineffective as a single parent, but I forget that God so blessed me with my perfect husband that I already instinctively know what "we" would do to raise our children. I also believe Mel is watching over me and that he is proud of how I love our kids and how I preserve our memories of him.
I have friends who fear about pregnancies because they have lost babies in early, middle and late pregnancies. When I was pregnant I feared that my baby would die because God was going to punish me for having had an abortion in my teen years. My mind was Satan's field of victory for over 25 years with this subject. In my mind I knew that God forgave me, but in my heart I, I, I could not forgive myself. All my life all I had ever envisioned myself being was a mother of many children. It took reading our church's newsletter and the message from Pastor Hal to make me learn that I had to get help with this "piece of trash". He wrote about a barge floating around in the ocean that was full of garbage and had nowhere to go, so it just floated around all day, every day in the Atlantic Ocean doing nothing but becoming stinkier by the day. Quite an analogy of Satan's lies don't you think. After I read this, and I read an article in the paper written by a Catholic priest about a healing retreat they held each year for women who had undergone abortions. I went and talked to Pastor Hal. Until this, very few people even new this about me. I was afraid that if people at church knew about it they would scorn me. I believed that they would not want me to work in the nursery and take care of their children after I had killed one of my own. I feared they would shun me. I never wanted to think about this story in my life, much less share it, but I believe it speaks to the overwhelming, all surrounding, all consuming love that God has for me. I went to a recovery support group. I learned that 1 in 4 women have had an abortion. To me that meant that even in my church there were women who had tragically made this decision, and I was right. I was friends with one of them and never even knew it until years into knowing her. So just the fact that I no longer beat myself up over this every day, that I can now claim being pro-life without feeling like a liar to God, is a miracle to me. God has blessed me with two children, and I know now that God smiles upon me and them and the fact that I am trying to raise them to make Him first in their lives. I think it is important for people to know that not only does abortion take a baby's life, it also destroys a mother's soul. I encourage compassion with people who have had an abortion and have suffered in silence, fear and self-loathing for years for making this decision.
For all my friends and family I want you to know I pray for His peace upon you, His love and presence surrounding you, and please know how very many people are interceding on your behalf for God to bless you abundantly. Our last bible study here was on intercessory prayer, and it is so powerful, so we need to take comfort that when we are our most frightened and can’t seem to catch a breath and fear takes hold of us that there is still intercessory prayer going up to God on our behalf, that even when we are weak, there are many of Christian brothers and sisters being strong for us. That’s what Family is for, and we belong to the highest family, we were all created equal by the one and only King of all Kings, and he DOES NOT CREATE TRASH.