Tuesday, February 8, 2011

So the storm continues.  I don't think I am going to get home tomorrow.  Mel's son Aaron and his wife Tina are coming up to Denver tomorrow to be with Mel.  I had been hoping I would be able to make a quick trip to Pueblo and see the kids and get clean clothes.

Mel's creatinine is still lower than it was when we got here.  He had a CT scan of his abdomen done today.  It would have been better if he had been able to have contrast with it, but they won't give contrast when you have a high creatinine.  The CT scan shows that the drain they placed may not be in the best place, as there is still leakage from the colon into the abdomen.  They will probably have to re-place that drain tomorrow sometime. 

Sometimes Mel is very confused.  I know this can happen to all people who go to the hospital for an extended period of time.  Everything seems to stand still.  I can't believe it has only been a week since we left home. The kids are getting very emotional when I talk to them.  Mel sometimes can't even muster up the strength to talk to them.  I am getting scared.  I just feel like I need to be with my kids and see my parents.  I have not left the hospital since we got here last week.  The only thing I leave for is to go get a drink, something to eat, go to the chapel or to use the computer at the end of the hall.

There is an orderly who takes care of Mel almost every day.  His name is Bobby.  He is so awesome.  Mel uses his call light very frequently.  Bobby is never impatient with him, even if when he gets there Mel has forgotten what he wanted.  I apologized to Bobby, and he told me it was his pleasure to take of Mel and knew that Mel mostly just needed to know someone was there if he needed them.

Poor Mel.  He has great big skin lesions all over his trunk area and his neck.  A side effect from the chemotherapy.  They have started using some cream on them.  He tends to pick at them when he is confused from the pain medicine. 

Today our pastor, Hal Hartman, drove up from Pueblo to see us and pray with us.  He is such a kind man.  He really likes Mel, most people do.  Mel is a very social, likable person.  Sometimes people think I am rude or snooty because I tend to get shy in certain situations.  He only stayed about 20 minutes, but it was a refreshing 20 minutes.  It's good to see people we know and love. 

My brother and sister call every day.  My sister says I am her hero.  I don't feel like much of a hero.  I feel weak and defeated.  They are so supportive.  I should mention that in October 2008 my sister was diagnosed with breast cancer.  She had a double mastectomy and reconstructive surgery.  I told her she was the strong one.  I was so devastated when she was diagnosed.  It was unfathomable to me that I could potentially not have a sister.  We had shared a room during our growing up years.  I always looked up to her and admired her strength.  I adored her three girls, just as I adored my brother's daughters.  Until I had Nicole they were all "my girls".  I think I was a pretty awesome aunt.  I loved to spoil them.  I used to spend every vacation I had in Washington with Lois and Pete and the girls.  We always had so much fun.  I just could not imagine my beautiful sister ravaged by this disease.  Mel was working nights then, and I was still praying and crying when he came home.  When I told him about it, he cried.  He was so upset about it. Mel loved my family like they were his own.  The day Mel was diagnosed with cancer I excused myself to go to the bathroom.  I remember being curled up in a ball on this bathroom floor (very sanitary I know) and calling Lois and crying out to her.  She was always there for me. Not too awfully long after Lois was diagnosed with cancer, my dad was with prostate cancer and had undergone radical surgery and subsequent sepsis, which required additional time in the hospital.  I kept wondering how much more would be laid upon my family.  My sister and my dad both survived and are considered cancer-free, so how does God decide who will be healed and who will not be healed.  All along I knew that ultimate healing for anyone suffering with a deadly disease would be for God to call them home.  I could never bring myself to say that out loud, but I thought certainly God would never expect me to go through losing Mel.

So tomorrow I guess they will decide about when they are going to re-place that drain.  I am praying the snow will clear so I can see my babies and sleep in my own bed and refresh my mind a little bit.  This cancer business if very emotionally and physically draining until you feel like you have no more to give, but God always comes through to give you the strength from somewhere.

We pray again tonight for healing, rapid and complete.  I again go to bed begging God to save Mel for me.  I wonder if everyone in this situation is as selfish as I am.  Please Lord let it be what I long for most of all.  I don't want to be alone again.  I was so lonely until Mel came into my life at age 36.  I had given up on me ever getting married, of anyone ever loving me the way Mel did.  He loved me so much, all I had to do was look in his eyes and I knew.  I loved him just as much.  It was a love of surprise for me.  I guess I never really thought I would be worthy of that kind of love, but just as I was ready to give up, along came Mel and I am sure he was sent by God.

When Jesus saw their faith, he said to the paralytic, "son your sins are forgiven you." I say to you, arise, take up your bed, and go to your house.  Immediately he arose, took up the bed, and went out in the presence of them all, so that all were amazed and glorified God, saying "We never saw anything like this"!
Mark 2:1-12

Does Jesus see our faith, is it strong enough, will it be enough to spare Mel's life.  When I went to bed I cried most of the night curled in the corner of my little cot in the corner of Mel's hospital room.  "God do you know how much I need him, how much I love him, how much his children need him". Please Lord let it be so.

The Storm begins Monday Feb 7, 2011

This is the day we realized that we were really going to have to fight with everything we had for Mel to beat this beast called cancer.  His creatinine is starting to go up, which is not a good sign.  They won't operate on him if it is going to put him in kidney failure.  With his metastatic disease he isn't really a candidate for dialysis. 

This evening, around 7:00 p.m. or so, the gastroenterology surgeon resident came to talk to us.  They had been going over Mel's chart and test results to try to determine what his surgery would entail.  He basically told us the same thing everyone else had said about Mel's creatinine had to get better, and Mel had to have more TPN to build up muscle and strength or the recovery from the surgery would take forever.  He then told us that we needed to weigh the benefits based on the fact that Mel only had about six months to live.  I was so thoroughly pissed off. He acted surprised that we didn't know this.  I told him very emphatically (more angry) that no one had ever tried to second guess or make a determination on how long Mel would live.  I was actually yelling at him while he droned on and on about just keeping Mel's pain under control.  I remember shouting at him "what about me, what do you suggest I do to control the pain stabbing in my heart".  By this time Mel and I were both crying.  Poor resident, talk about killing the messenger.  I told him I wanted to talk to Dr. Lam the oncologist, and as he shot out the door as fast as he could to get away from me, he said Dr. Lam had already gone home for the evening.

About 20 minutes later Dr. Lam came through the door.  The resident had apparently called her and told her she needed to come back in and talk to us.  She wondered what she could do.  I told her that she could figure out why no one had ever told us that Mel only had six months to live at the most.  Remember, the first day at the hospital Mel's wedding ring got lost and he had me wear his gold chain and cross so it wouldn't get lost.  I was clutching that cross while talking to Dr. Lam.  She very pointedly looked at my cross.  I could tell she was sizing us up trying to determine what our beliefs were.  She told me that she never, and Dr. Flaig (our regular oncologist) tried to never guess how long a patient would try to live, nor did they believe in giving false hope. 

She kept looking at Mel's cross around my neck, and she said "I don't know what you believe, but I believe that there is always time for God to perform a miracle".  I burst into tears and hugged her.  I asked her if she was a believer in Jesus Christ, and she told me yes.  She hugged me and we prayed together.  I now know God had us on this oncology floor, at UCH, for a reason.  She put on Mel's chart that we were Christians and were still praying for a miracle.  After that there were so many nurses and aides who came in and prayed with us.  We had decided we were not going to give up that easily.  We still believed in the miracle of the blood of Jesus, that it was shed for us, to give us new life, and to give us a pathway to the healing of the greatest King that ever walked the earth.

I remember calling our friends and family.  I told them all that we were not giving up, that we still were planning that Mel would have the surgery and that he would be healed.

Meantime it is snowing like crazy.  Not only is there a lot of snow in Denver, the roads between Denver and Pueblo were not in good condition, and Pueblo was getting hammered with snow.  I still wanted to try to get home on Wednesday to spend a night with the kids, get clean clothes and get back to Denver to wait out for the surgery.

The kids were so excited.  My dad had them out playing in the snow and making snowmen.  My dad is so awesome with his grandkids.  He is like putty in their hands.  I am so proud of who he has become over the years.  Through this whole ordeal with Mel's illness there have been days when we have gone to mom and dad's and dad has just sat and held me while I cried, and he cried right along with me.  He and mom loved Mel too.  They loved that he was so darn good to me and he was so kind to them and considerate and how much he loved the kids.

After Dr. Lam left tonight, Mel moved over in the bed as best he could so that I could lay next to him.  It had been so long since we had held each other through a long night.  He fell asleep with me holding him.  Thankfully, the nursing staff pretty much left us alone for the whole night.  I think they knew we could not handle anymore for that day and just left us alone.  They started Mel's TPN feeding and told me to call if we needed anything, otherwise they would leave us alone.  I laid awake that night with my arm around Mel and his around me and tried to stay strong.  I kept going over the bible verses in my phone that Deanna had sent us.

This day ended the way all the others had, with me begging God, please Lord don't take him from me, please Lord I was alone so long before he came into my life it's not fair for you to take Him from me, he is such a good man Lord let him stay, he is so kind and good to me and the kids, Please Lord, PLEASE.

Long Sunday Hospital day 5

It was pretty quiet in the hospital today.  Mel's creatinine is still going down.  We were so happy about that.  We were thinking that hopefully by the end of the week he would be able to have surgery.  They started his TPN feedings through the central line they placed. 

Mel's pain seemed a little better today.  He rested quietly most of the day.  We talked to Daniel and Nicole several times.  Deanna is still texting me scripture verses.  That really is a very uplifting thing to have those scriptures to fall back on, and I knew she was praying for guidance on which ones to send us and also going back to her scripture references she was led to when she and Butch lost their precious twins, Sammy and Gracie.  Kelly and Diego Aragon are also some very faithul and full of faith friends we have supporting us.  My brother, Andy came from Rifle to see us.  All our family and friends have been so good to us.  I don't know how anyone could get through a time like this without that kind of support. 

We miss the kids so much.  We both hate being away from them, and it is hard when you talk to them and they cry for you.  At least I know they are very well loved and taken care of by my parents. 

It continues to snow.  Even Pueblo is getting snow.  Mel's son Aaron is trying to make plans to come to Denver this week on Wednesday and spend the night here to spend time with Mel.  I think I will probably go home for that night so I can see the kids.

This was my view from Mel's hospital room.  Flight for life was a fequent visitor, and the helicoptor landed right outside next to the parking lot.  The pictures I took of the car tracks in the snow reminded of a toy I had when I was little.  It was called a spirograph and you would pin plastic pieces to paper and put smaller ones inside the outer one and use a pen and it would make designs like this. 

Day 4, so it continues

Today they took Mel to interventional radiology for the abdominal abscess drain to be placed.  While he was there I went back toh is room to wait for Nicole. My dear friend, Deanna, brought her up to see us.  We both miss the kids so much. 

After we got married, Mel only went two places without us.  He would go hunting with my dad up at dad's cabin and be gone 2-3 days and then back home, and every year he would go to a bowling tournament in Cheyenne, Wyoming.  We were both of the mind that anywhere we went we would take Nicole, and later Daniel, with us.  Mel's work friends used to invite him to go fishing and camping with them, and his reply was always, "I would rather be with my girls".  I can count on one hand the number of times Mel and I would go and leave the kids overnight to go somewhere.  Or I should say before Mel got cancer that was the case.  Then every six weeks or so we would have to leave them overnight with my parents for medical visits and/or treatment.

Needless to say we were both so excited to see Nicole, and I was excited to see Deanna.  She was my rock through these tough times.  I could talk to her about anything or say nothing at all and she "got" me and what I was going through.  When they got to the hospital, us girls went down and got some lunch in the cafeteria.  Mel was very sleepy after his procedure.  I had so much fun visiting with Deanna and Nicole.  I was so sad to see them leave, especially since Nicole just held onto me and cried.  I told her she had to be brave and go back to Pueblo to be with Daniel since he was so little he couldn't understand why his mommy and daddy were gone and then he wouldn't be so scared if he had his sissy.

I went back to Mel's room.  It was starting to snow.  I hoped the roads weren't too bad going back "home".  I spent the rest of the day reading.  I had been reading the "Left Behind" series of books, written by Tim LaHaye and someone else about the endtimes on earth and the second coming of Jesus Christ.  Mel always wanted to know what was happening.  He told me to be sure and finish reading them.  I still need to do that.

After Mel fell asleep for the night, I went down the hall to the family room.  They have a computer there and I checked emails and facebook.  It was a very quiet room, and I liked to go sit there by myself and just look outside and keep up on everyone at home.

I am so scared but trying to stay faithful.  I know in my thinking brain that Mel's chances for survival are not good but in my praying brain and heart I still believed God would give us a miracle, and so it went, please Lord, please Lord, please I need him and so do Nicole and Daniel.  Please spare him for us.  I know we are supposed to pray for God's will to be done, but I wanted my will to be done, because I am just a selfish human, as we all are.  We never want to lose the people we love, and I know that's why God decides, because if it was left to me I would never be ready to let go of Mel.  I wanted to grow old with him.  We always said we were sad that we would never have 50 years together because of our ages when we got married and the fact that Mel was 10 years older than me, but we always thought we could shoot for 30 or 35.  Please Lord, please.

Hospital Day 3

Today began just like yesterday.  The converging of the doctors.  A new one this time, from gastroenterology.  He came to tell us that they would probably be taking Mel to interventional radiology in the next day or so to place a drain in his abdominal wall and hopefully get it right into the hole in the wall of his colon.  There are so many doctors, the benefit of a teaching hospital, but it is so hard to remember who is who and who does what.  The only two we can remember are Dr. Scott Davis and Dr. Elaine Lam, the hospitalist and the oncologist.  We haven't seen our regular oncologist Dr. Flaig yet, because it is his month to do clinic visits and Dr. Lam's month to do clinic visits and take care of hospital patients.  We both really like her.  She is very soft spoken and very direct.

I spent the day reading and trying to rest a little bit.  I feel a little self-conscious sleeping on the cot in Mel's room.  I don't feel like I can really undress and get comfortable enough to sleep well.  I called mom and asked her to send some sweats with Deanna when she brings Nicole to visit later in the week.  At least they are more comfortable to sleep in than jeans and I might sleep better.  Trying to shower is something else.  I am allowed to shower in Mel's restroom, but that is not such an easy task.  I have to try to do it in between nurse's aides visits, nurses visits to give medications and doctor's visits.  I don't want to miss any of the doctors who come in because I want to know exactly what is going on.

Mel is getting very little nutrition other than the IV fluids.  They are talking about putting a central line in, which goes in an artery rather than a vein.  Through this they can give him TPN (total parenteral nutrition).  This is where the doctors and a nutriotionist, along with the pharmacy staff get together and decide on what kind of nutrition you need based on your lab values.  When they start this, it will run during the night.  Another benefit of this is that Mel won't have to be stuck anymore for lab work, etc., they can take the blood right from the central line.  I am glad they are going to do that.  His poor arms look like pin cushions, and he is understandably, a little annoyed by all the lab tests being drawn.

On a good note, though, throughout the day Mel's creatinine (his kidney test) has started to drop.  We were so excited to hear this, thinking the sooner it goes down the sooner Mel can have surgery, and we can go home.  I asked them today if we would go home and come back for the surgery, and they said there was no way they would be able to discharge him in the condition he is in and then drive back to Denver.  They said we live too far away from the hospital for him to get urgent care if he needs it. 

We both miss the kids.  Mel wants me to think about going home to see them, but I don't feel like I can leave Mel.  It scares me to not be with him.  I just want to be by his side in case he needs me.  Tonight we prayed together again before he went to sleep.  We still believe God is in the business of miracles and that we will get our miracle.

Matthew 14:14 And when Jesus went out He saw a great multitude; and He was moved with compassion for them, and healed their sick. 

Please Lord I am only asking you to heal one, the man I love, the father of my children.  In the dark, I again spend most of the night just repeating over and over please Lord, please Lord, heal him for his family. I'm not done loving him yet.  He has our kids to raise, grandchildren to watch grow.  Please Lord.

Hospital day 2

A long night last night.  Mel was very restless and in a lot of pain.  He had just fallen asleep when the "morning crew" descended on us.  The morning crew consisted of all the oncology residents, the medical resident Dr. Scott Davis and the hospital oncologist Dr. Lam.  In all there was about eight doctors in various stages of their career descending on us bright and early.

They told us that now they suspected Mel had a positive blood culture, which meant he was in isolation.  Everyone who came in his room, and every time they came, they had to put on gloves, mask and gown.  They talked to use about going to interventional radiology so a drain could be placed in Mel's abdomen where the colon contents were leaking into his abdomen.

Mel spent most of the day sleeping.  He seems to sleep better during the day than at night.  It is always hard to sleep in the hospital because they wake you up throughout the night to check vital signs and Dr. Davis had also ordered numerous blood tests to be done on Mel and some of them ended up being done in the night.

I felt one positive thing of the day was that Mel ate Jell-O and drank a Sprite and lots of water.  With his dehydration getting better he could finally drink at least. 

We spent his time awake calling the kids and talking about what had happened with his colon and the fact that he was going to have to undergo another major surgery, and we prayed. 

Psalm 30:2 O Lord my God I cried out to You, and You healed me.
Matthew 14:14 And when Jesus went out, He saw a great multitude; and He was moved with compassion for them, and healed their sick.

I sat on my cot and just kept repeating bible verse after bible verse.  My best friend, Deanna, sent me scripture after scripture via text messages throughout the day.  I just sat and read them and silently begged Please God.  I told Mel he was the second best thing that ever happened to me and how much I loved him.  He told me that I was the best wife anyone could hope or pray for and how much he loved me.

Please God, more time, more time. I can't lose him, Nicole and Daniel can't lose him.

One Long Day

One year ago today, Mel had an appointment in Denver with his oncologist so they could check the stent that was put in his colon and to start a new chemotherapy regimen.  Mel had not been feeling well at all for a couple of weeks.  He was in a lot of pain and was very weak.  He had fallen several times.  I don't know how I ever got him up after he fell.  He was so tall. 

We were excited to go, though because we thought he probably just needed a couple transfusions and some fluids, and we would go on our way like before.  We also had a room at a very fancy hotel that the American Cancer Society had paid for us to stay at since we had to have tests done overnight.  Nicole was excited because she had invited Jacia to go with us.  We didn't usually take Nicole to Denver with us, but we thought it would be a treat for her and extra fun with Jacia. 

That morning before we ever left, Kelly (Jacia's mom) called to tell us that Jacia was sick and wouldn't be able to go with us.  Nicole was very disappointed, but we told her we would still have fun.  Mel got up and told me he didn't think he could make it to Denver.  I told him that we had to go.  He was so weak, it took him probably 20 minutes to get from the house to the car.  We had to take Daniel to my mom and dad's house and our old assistant pastor and an elder were going to meet us there to pray over us before we left.  When we got there, I could see in their expression that they were shocked to see how Mel looked, then when I looked at him through their eyes, I was appalled.  I guess just being with him every day I hadn't noticed the dramatic change in him.  After they prayed over us, I got Mel back in the car so we could go.  He was very ill (nausea and vomitting).  When we got out of town, he told me had to stop at a rest stop that was between Pueblo and Colorado Springs to use the bathroom.  When we got to the rest stop, I had Nicole go with him so I could stay in the car and keep it warm for him.  It was so cold, and he was freezing.  After he had been gone for over 10 minutes, I locked up the car and walked up to the restrooms.  Nicole was standing outside waiting for Mel, but he never came out.  I called to him and went into the restroom to see what was wrong.  He looked at me and told me he would never make it to Denver.  I told him we would get him back to the car, go back to Pueblo and go to the local ER.  I don't know how I ever got the strength to get him up on his feet and back to the car.  He could barely support his own weight. 

We got to the ER and I called our pastor.  Hal and his wife Sharon came right away to the hospital to be with us.  They were so good to us and always there for us the whole time Mel was sick.  When they got there, I could tell they were shocked at how ill Mel was.  I kept thinking to myself, "why hadn't I seen this".  I kept thinking man I should have gotten him to the hospital days ago, but I just didn't see it then.  After the lab work came back on Mel, the ER doctor told us she was transferring him to Denver via ambulance.  They didn't think it was safe for him to ride with me as he needed IV pain meds and fluids.  He was very dehydrated.  Hal and Sharon took Nicole to my mom and dad's house for me, and I followed the ambulance to Denver.

When we got to Denver, Mel was admitted on the oncology floor.  The oncologist on call was a Dr. Lam, whom we had never met.  I didn't realize it at the time, but she would become a great source of strength and comfort to us in the coming days.  Towards evening they took Mel down for a CT scan of his abdomen.  Somewhere between there and his room, Mel's wedding ring had fallen off.  He had lost so much weight that it was very loose on him.  I was so upset.  Mel never took this ring off.  The only time I remember him taking it off was when he had his kidney surgery.  I walked back and forth in the halls to and from CT scan and his room searching and searching.  I was almost frantic to find his ring, and I never did.  I was so sad, and so was Mel.  He kept telling me I miss feeling my ring on my finger.  Mel also wore a cross on a gold chain that Nicole and I had given him a couple of years before for Father's Day.  He made me take it off of him and asked me to wear it so it wouldn't get lost along with the ring.

That night, when the doctor's made their rounds, they came in to tell us that the CT scan had shown that the stent that had been put in Mel's colon had actually perforated the wall of the colon and that his colon contents were leaking into his abdominal cavity, and he was basically full of infection.  His creatinine level (the kidney function test) was sky high.  They told us then that the plan would be for Mel to get well enough and for his creatinine to go back to normal with IV fluids and IV nutrition so that they could operate on him and remove the colon and the part of the tumor that had eaten into it. 

I kept thinking to myself "why didn't I see that something was wrong".  When I looked back to that morning and people seeing him and commenting on how sick and bad he looked, I couldn't believe that I hadn't seen it myself.  I couldn't believe that I hadn't taken him to the ER sooner, and I kept thinking if only I had, we would have caught things much quicker and maybe his kidney wouldn't have been so damaged.

That night after Mel had finally fallen asleep I went down to the hospital chapel.  I remember being on my knees and sobbing and praying for God to heal Mel.  I kept telling Him "don't you see how faithful we have been, how much closer we have drawn to you, and most of all how much I (and the kids) needed for Mel to be well.

This was one of the longest days of my life, but I would soon find out how much longer the days could become.  I stayed awake most of the night, lying on my cot in Mel's hospital room just watching him breathe.  By then I had become accustomed to functioning on little or no sleep.  I just sat and watched him breathe, and with every breath he took I would whisper "please God".

Jeremiah 33:6 Behold, I will bring you health and healing, I will heal them and reveal to them the abundance of peace and truth.

Jeremiah 30:17 For I will restore health to you and heal you of your wounds, says the Lord.

We believed in Miracles.