Mel's creatinine is still lower than it was when we got here. He had a CT scan of his abdomen done today. It would have been better if he had been able to have contrast with it, but they won't give contrast when you have a high creatinine. The CT scan shows that the drain they placed may not be in the best place, as there is still leakage from the colon into the abdomen. They will probably have to re-place that drain tomorrow sometime.
Sometimes Mel is very confused. I know this can happen to all people who go to the hospital for an extended period of time. Everything seems to stand still. I can't believe it has only been a week since we left home. The kids are getting very emotional when I talk to them. Mel sometimes can't even muster up the strength to talk to them. I am getting scared. I just feel like I need to be with my kids and see my parents. I have not left the hospital since we got here last week. The only thing I leave for is to go get a drink, something to eat, go to the chapel or to use the computer at the end of the hall.
There is an orderly who takes care of Mel almost every day. His name is Bobby. He is so awesome. Mel uses his call light very frequently. Bobby is never impatient with him, even if when he gets there Mel has forgotten what he wanted. I apologized to Bobby, and he told me it was his pleasure to take of Mel and knew that Mel mostly just needed to know someone was there if he needed them.
Poor Mel. He has great big skin lesions all over his trunk area and his neck. A side effect from the chemotherapy. They have started using some cream on them. He tends to pick at them when he is confused from the pain medicine.
Today our pastor, Hal Hartman, drove up from Pueblo to see us and pray with us. He is such a kind man. He really likes Mel, most people do. Mel is a very social, likable person. Sometimes people think I am rude or snooty because I tend to get shy in certain situations. He only stayed about 20 minutes, but it was a refreshing 20 minutes. It's good to see people we know and love.
My brother and sister call every day. My sister says I am her hero. I don't feel like much of a hero. I feel weak and defeated. They are so supportive. I should mention that in October 2008 my sister was diagnosed with breast cancer. She had a double mastectomy and reconstructive surgery. I told her she was the strong one. I was so devastated when she was diagnosed. It was unfathomable to me that I could potentially not have a sister. We had shared a room during our growing up years. I always looked up to her and admired her strength. I adored her three girls, just as I adored my brother's daughters. Until I had Nicole they were all "my girls". I think I was a pretty awesome aunt. I loved to spoil them. I used to spend every vacation I had in Washington with Lois and Pete and the girls. We always had so much fun. I just could not imagine my beautiful sister ravaged by this disease. Mel was working nights then, and I was still praying and crying when he came home. When I told him about it, he cried. He was so upset about it. Mel loved my family like they were his own. The day Mel was diagnosed with cancer I excused myself to go to the bathroom. I remember being curled up in a ball on this bathroom floor (very sanitary I know) and calling Lois and crying out to her. She was always there for me. Not too awfully long after Lois was diagnosed with cancer, my dad was with prostate cancer and had undergone radical surgery and subsequent sepsis, which required additional time in the hospital. I kept wondering how much more would be laid upon my family. My sister and my dad both survived and are considered cancer-free, so how does God decide who will be healed and who will not be healed. All along I knew that ultimate healing for anyone suffering with a deadly disease would be for God to call them home. I could never bring myself to say that out loud, but I thought certainly God would never expect me to go through losing Mel.
So tomorrow I guess they will decide about when they are going to re-place that drain. I am praying the snow will clear so I can see my babies and sleep in my own bed and refresh my mind a little bit. This cancer business if very emotionally and physically draining until you feel like you have no more to give, but God always comes through to give you the strength from somewhere.
We pray again tonight for healing, rapid and complete. I again go to bed begging God to save Mel for me. I wonder if everyone in this situation is as selfish as I am. Please Lord let it be what I long for most of all. I don't want to be alone again. I was so lonely until Mel came into my life at age 36. I had given up on me ever getting married, of anyone ever loving me the way Mel did. He loved me so much, all I had to do was look in his eyes and I knew. I loved him just as much. It was a love of surprise for me. I guess I never really thought I would be worthy of that kind of love, but just as I was ready to give up, along came Mel and I am sure he was sent by God.
When Jesus saw their faith, he said to the paralytic, "son your sins are forgiven you." I say to you, arise, take up your bed, and go to your house. Immediately he arose, took up the bed, and went out in the presence of them all, so that all were amazed and glorified God, saying "We never saw anything like this"!
Mark 2:1-12
Does Jesus see our faith, is it strong enough, will it be enough to spare Mel's life. When I went to bed I cried most of the night curled in the corner of my little cot in the corner of Mel's hospital room. "God do you know how much I need him, how much I love him, how much his children need him". Please Lord let it be so.
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