I had never imagined sitting in a mortuary or planning a memorial service for Mel. I guess you just don't think about those things. I had decided that I wanted Mel to be cremated. Since we were moving, I didn't want to bury him and "leave him behind". I know that what is left is just the flesh, but I just couldn't bury him and leave him in Colorado. I brought his cremains (ashes) with us, waiting for God to help me decide where to "lay him to rest".
Sitting in the mortuary I almost felt like I was going to be very sick. My heart was broken, I was freezing cold, and I could barely think. I was glad my parents and Aaron was with me. I wanted Aaron to help me say goodbye to his dad. Mel also loved my parents so very much, I knew he would want them with me.
I remember signing the papers for them to cremate Mel. I remember I just wanted to ask them to see Mel one more time, but I knew that would probably not be a good thing for me to do. I only have one regret from the day Mel died. I hope this doesn't sound morbid or freaky, but I wish I would have just laid in his bed with him and held him close to me one more time. I didn't do it because I didn't know how to ask, and I didn't know how the people there would react. I encourage anyone who goes through this that whatever you want to do is "normal" for you. Don't ever be held back like I was. I also wish I would have asked to be alone with him. I was just on auto pilot. I didn't even remember where my kids were.
Our fat cat Joey had been sleeping on Mel's feet the whole week he was home with hospice. He would get up and go potty or to eat and drink but would immediately come back to lay on Mel's feet. When Mel died he sat on the floor in the kitchen and howled the most mournful howl. That's how I felt.
I will never forget them taking Mel's body out the door. There was a voice inside me just screaming NO, NO, NO. I felt like a little kid. I wanted to lay on the floor and kick and scream and flail my arms and scream NO, GOD WHERE ARE YOU, WHY IS THIS THE ANSWER!! I was very angry with God and also felt like He had betrayed me when I had been drawn so close to Him over the previous years.
I stayed at my parents' house for a couple nights, but then I knew I had to go home. I had to do it before I was too scared to ever go be in that house alone. The first night back in the house, I looked out into the hall outside our bedroom door and saw a shadow. I called for Mel, then remembered he wasn't there. The phone would ring and I would think "Oh that's Mel calling to let me know when he will be home". The kids were sleeping with me. I couldn't bear to be away from them. I was scared of the dark and the memories that came when they fell asleep. All the things that ran through my mind. My life seemed to stretch out before me with endless miles of "nothing". How could it be that I would have to travel those miles without Mel.
I had lived alone for many years before marrying Mel, but this was an absolutely horrifying aloneness that I had ever known when I lived alone. It was so much worse after having loved and lived with Mel for 13 years. Someone to talk to at night after the kids were asleep, someone to hold me and kiss me and love me. I physically, literally, ached for him. I was so cold inside. I felt like my chest had been ripped open and my heart torn out and stomped on. At night I would just angrily ask God what I had done to deserve losing Mel. I know that's not how God works, but not on those first lonely nights.
I had to go through photos to pick out pictures for the slide show we wanted to do at the memorial service. Aaron picked a song to be played with them and I picked one too. We decided that Nicole, Aaron and I would all speak at the service. I was so glad that Pastor Hal would be doing the service. He knew us and had cared for us for so many years.
My family was starting to arrive. My brother, his wife, and their youngest daughter, Lois and Pete, my uncle from Albuquerque, my cousin from Texas, my niece in Colorado Springs. I dreaded the day they would all leave because that would make everything all the more "final" and more loneliness, too many goodbyes to say. I just wanted to cling to everyone I loved, I never wanted to say another goodbye in my life.
I couldn't figure out how to fit a lifetime into one memorial service and a picture slide show. I just knew I would do it and make it beautiful to honor Mel.
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