February 20, 2011 The Battle is Won

This is such a a hard day to remember, but it was even worse to go through.  I remember that morning getting the kids ready for church so that Deanna could pick Nicole up early to go rehearse the songs they were going to sing.  I got ready and then sat by Mel and just talked to him.  I told him I love him and we kissed.  Tiffie got there to stay with him, and I left to to go church.

There were a lot of people at church that day as it was Pastor Hal's final sermon.  I remember when I got there, I was sitting alone, and then Butch and Deanna came and sat with me.  The youth group sang.  Their final song was "I Can Only Imagine" by Mercy Me.  (Remember this for later in the post).

Nicole came and sat with me.  Pastor Hal had started his sermon.  Out of the corner of my eye I saw my dad and my cousin Cliff.  At first all I could think was how nice it was that dad had come to hear Colie sing, but that it was sad that he was late.  But then I saw the tears in his eyes and the look on Cliff's face.  Dad told me Mel was gone.  I was just instantly in shock.  I grabbed ahold of Nicole and got up to leave.  I remember people turning around to see what was happening.  When we got to the back of the church I started crying and say no, no, no.  I almost fell backwards, but dad was there to catch.  I remember Deanna running back and telling me she would get Daniel.  Some other people came to the back of the church too.  Cliff and dad were in Cliff's truck and got Nicole and me in his truck.  I remember calling Aaron to tell him that Mel was gone.

When we got to our house, my cousin Diana was outside with tearing streaming down her face.  I remember dad telling Cliff to go behind me on the stairs so if I fell.  I remember rushing in and Tiffie was just in tears and Rick was with her.  They were saying they had called hospice.  I ran to Mel and just started touching him, looking to see if it was true.  I put my hands under him and I remeber saying he was still warm and in my mind I thought well then he is alive, but when I looked again I knew it was true, he was really gone.  I remember Brian from the mortuary coming.  I had known him for years when I worked at the hospital.  He was shocked to see me.  I knew the kids were gone but didn't know where.  Deanna told me they were safe.  I remember thinking I will never feel his touch or hear his voice again in my life.  I have never been so utterly sad in my life.  I felt like a huge hole had been ripped in my body, and I was so cold. 

Brian wanted me to leave while they got Mel ready to go, but I told him I had to be with him.  They took his hospital gown off and I sent Aaron to get him a pair of sweat pants and a Harley t-shirt that Aaron had give him one year for Christmas.  I just kept thinking how do I do this, how do I plan all this, what will happen to us, how can I possibly live without him.  I remember kissing him one more time before Brian took him to the mortuary. 

My mind lost so much of that day and the days to come that I had to have people help me remember.

[Mom and Dad:  Dear Patty: It is difficult for me to write this. The memories are so close to the surface. I 'm trying my best to recall the day of Mel's death.  The first I knew about his death was when Cliff came over to tell us and picked Dad up to go to the church to get you and the kids. I got in the car and went to your house.When I got there Tiffie, Diana and Rick were there, I'm not sure if any one else was there. In 
about 15 minutes Dad got there with you and the kids.When I saw you and the kids , I felt like my heart had been torn apart. I loved you so much and there was nothing I could do to make it better. I do truly believe that Mel waited to die until you were gone with Sis and Bubby.

Dad and I talked about that day this morning.This is what he remembers: He said Cliff had called him and told him that Mel had died. Then Cliff came and picked dad up, went to church to get you. Dad said that in hindsight he should have waited at the church until the service was over to tell you.I think he felt like he disrupted church. Dad was concerned about you and the kids.   I know a lot of people were in and out all day bringing prayers, good wishes, and lots of good food. I especially remember Hal and miss Sharon.

You had so many wonderful and faithful friends that stood by your side.Tiffie an Deanna stand out in my mind. I know that I've rambled, my memory isn't as good as it should be, but I hope that in some way this will help you.If you have questions please ask.   Love Mom]

[Deanna:

I finally have a few free moments to write about the 20th. I got to church that morning and was looking all over for you. I somehow missed you in the front few rows, probably because church was mor full than normal for Hal's last sermon, so I sat down in the back to wait for you. Right as church was starting, I noticed you. I grabbed Butch and we got the seats next to you...how thankful I am that I was by you. I remember the worship being more upbeat than usual, and the kids singing "I Can Only Imagine." Then Hal started in on his sermon. I heard a little rustling next to you and saw your Dad. My heart just sank. You turned to me with eyes as big as saucers and said "Mel's gone." I started scrambling to get your stuff together as your Dad and Cliff walked you and Nicole out. You didn't start crying until you got to the back of the church, I think it took a minute for you to process what they were saying. Your Dad and Cliff helped you down the stairs. I found your keys and went and got Daniel. Cliff drove you, your dad, and Nicole home, while Daniel and I followed in your car. I remember thinking that I had no idea what I should say to Daniel, so I just tried to have a normal conversation with him. I didn't want to scare him, but all I could think about was how life was never going to be the same for any of you.
I got to your house right after you guys. Your mom was inside, and Diana was outside crying. I left Daniel with her and headed in. You and Nicole were hugging Mel, crying over him. Tiffany was telling you that he went very peacefully. She apologized for not calling you and said she didn't want you to drive. You put your arm around Mel and found that his back was still warm. You left your hand there for quite some time.
Colie was getting uncomfortable so she and Daniel left with Diana. I think Tiffany went with them too. A steady stream of people started coming in. Aaron, Sharon, Hal, Rick? (Diana's boyfriend). Your brother sent a text, apologizing for not being there. The hospice nurse got there and we tried to answer questions for you so you didn't have to think. He asked us to step into the kitchen while he removed Mel's tubes. While we were in the kitchen, Aaron told you how Mel was never as happy as when he met you and that you made him a better person. He said he was most thankful that you brought Mel into a relationship with Christ.
After the nurse was done, we went back into the living room to wait for Brian from Davis mortuary. You sat in your recliner next to Mel, holding his hand. You were freezing, probably from the shock, so we got blankets for you and piled them on, leaving your hand free for Mel. When Brian got there, he asked what you had in mind for Mel's remains, and you told him you had to talk to Nicole first. Brian dressed him in the "If you can read this..." Harley shirt that Aaron had bought for him. Aaron seemed to like that. Brian told you that it would be best for you to step out while they prepared the body, that it might be hard for you to watch. You told him you would like to stay. Brian and an assistant very caringly loaded Mel onto the stretcher. They put his body in the bag, but did not cover his face. You gave him a kiss, then they wheeled him out.
The rest of the day was a stream of company. Hal had to go meet his family for lunch for his retirement, but Sharon refused to go and stayed with you. Your parents were there, which went smoothly except for the little fight over the trash bags. Obviously tensions were high. The Aragons came. Jacia couldn't get to Nicole quick enough. Nicole was brought home. I'm a little fuzzy on how the transfer happened, but I think Diego took Nicole somewhere with the kids while Kelly stayed with us...though I remember Diego being there too. I think Daniel was still with Tiffany, they went out to see Rick's horses. Chad Nagler came by and prayed with you. Hospice came and got the bed. You took a few phone calls.
After a while Nicole came home. She was feeling better and you were worried that she was "too" ok. Kids grieve differently. You decided to head to your mom's to spend the night. I followed with the Aragons. We stayed with you at your parents for a couple more hours. Butch came and got me around 7:00 I believe. I was hoping you would get some rest. The Aragons were still there when I left, not sure how long they stayed.
You talked a lot about Mel that day, and said often that he was the only person who loved you just because you were you, that you didn't have to "do" anything to earn his love. What a special, special man, and a special, special love you shared.]

After that all I can remember is being colder than I have ever been in my life.  That lasted for about three weeks.  I also remember not being able to keep my eyes open.  I remember being in my dad's recliner at my parents house with blankets piled on me.  I could hear people come and go, but it took every ounce of strength I had to open my eyes and keep them open.  I remember my dad told my mom to watch me when I got up because I was still unsteady and I was in shock.  I remember falling asleep in my mom's bed with the electric blanket on high and my mom's arms around me. 

So today, February 20, 2012 I decided that the kids and I would do something to celebrate Mel's one year anniversary in heaven.  We drove a lot of miles today and went to Palouse Falls.  Our neighbors had told us how beautiful they were, and the internet said their beauty rivaled Niagra Falls.  I told Nicole today that I knew her daddy was so proud of her, and what she has helped me through the past year.  We have decided that every year we will do something fun to celebrate with Mel.







I had to pull over at one point because Daniel was carsick.  Nicole got out to let Harley go potty.  My friend Faye called to see how I was doing.  While waiting for Nicole to get back in the car, I prayed for God to please send me a sign that Mel was near and that God was near.  We went and looked at the falls, and they were absolutely beautiful.  When we were leaving the falls, I had found a Christian station on the radio, and the first song they played when we started driving away was "I Can Only Imagine" by Mercy Me.  Remember above where I told you to remember that Nicole was signing that song at church.  When Tiffie told me what time Mel had taken his final breath, Nicole and the youth group was singing that very song, and Nicole, Megan and Tina sang it at Mel's memorial service.  I told Nicole what I had prayed for and we both knew that was an answer to prayer.

We then drove to Ritzville to eat supper. When we were getting on the interstate to come home the same radio station played "Amazing Grace My Chains are Gone" by Chris Tomlin.  Tina also sang this song at Mel's memorial service.  Nicole and I were just in awe of God's work today.

I just want to finish today's post by thanking everyone who has helped us walk this journey over the last year.  I never would have made it without any of you.  I'm not going to try to list names, because I will most assuredly miss someone.  I know that grief is so hard for people to know what to do to help you deal with it.  My experience has been that you don't really have to say anything, listening is the most important thing.  Hugging is good too, especially when I have been so overcome with tears, nothing can help like a hug.  You can't really tell someone it is going to get better.  I have learned it will never "be better".  It will hopefully get easier, but it will never be better to me to have to live without Mel.  I am so glad that we shared the love we had, and as hard as this past year has been and taking care of him when he was sick, if I had to choose I would do it all over again because his love was definitely worth it.  I just want to leave you with the song Mel picked out for us to dance to at our wedding as our first dance.

Mel did love until is last breath.  I believe his final gift to me was to be with the kids when he went because he knew it would be too hard with especially the kids there.