This was a horrible day for us. Dr. Davis and Dr. Lam came in. They told us that Mel's creatinine has continued to rise. They will be in later with all the other doctors who have participated in Mel's care to have a meeting with us on deciding where to go from here.
They came back about 10:00 a.m. There was Dr. Lam, Dr. Flaig (our regular oncologist who came from the office to be there), Dr. Davis the internist, the gastroenterology doctor, and doctor whose first name was Eamon (he was always very business like). Dr. Lam and Dr. Davis were always very laid back when discussing things with us. This discussion is etched in my memory for probably the rest of my life.
The really nice nurse came in with the doctors. They told us that basically Mel was not getting better and was not going to get better. They told us the best thing we could do was go home with hospice. They told us Mel had only at least a few weeks to live. If he happened to make it past that time, they would want us to come back, and they would reevaluate him for surgery.
I just could not hold back my tears. My heart was dying inside. I kept thinking my husband, my children, my family, my life, how could God possibly do this to us, how. We had been so faithful, standing on God's word and God's promises believing with every fiber that God was going to heal Mel. Every doctor in that room was in tears and so was the nurse. Later she told us how much our love and commitment to each other and to God had inspired everyone who had worked with us. She said that in all the time she had ever worked with Dr. Eamon she had never, ever seen him waver much less see him cry when talking to a patient and family members. When the doctors left, the nurse stay and prayed with us.
Once again they got Mel situated so that I could be next to him as close as possible. The social worker came in to start making arrangements to get hospice set up for us in Pueblo. Mel told them he wanted to go home as soon as possible. He kept telling them how much he wanted to be home with the kids and me. He wanted me to drive him home, but the hospital wouldn't let us do that, he was so fragile at that point.
I started making phone calls. By this time Deanna and our pastor's wife Sharon were already on their way to Denver with Nicole to visit. I called my brother and sister-in-law, my parents, Mel's son Aaron, his friend Gary and my sister. Pastor Hal drove up to see us and pray with us. About an hour and a half after calling my brother, he called me to get directions to the hospital. He was already on his way with Corinne. I was so thankful. I needed my "big" brother and Corinne had been such a rock for me and such a prayer warrior, I was glad she was coming too.
I just kept crying. I kept telling Mel how much I loved him, how much I needed him. I kept asking him "are you sure you are saved" (I knew all along he was). I told him he had to be sure, I kept telling him say the words again, "tell Jesus right now you want him to come into your heart". I told him I could not EVER bear the thought of spending eternity without him. I could not imagine one day without him much less the rest of my life and then eternity too. When Mel got sick we always prayed for him to be healed, but I used to tell God "if you can't heal him for me, please let the rapture come so we can all go home together". Now I just looked at him and cried. This once strong, robust, energetic man whom I so adored and been ravaged by disease and infection.
About an hour after the doctors left, I turned to Mel and I told him "you know God is still in control, God can still heal you and spare your life so we can be together". I knew God was bigger than any prognosis the doctors could give us. Dr. Lam came back and prayed with me, and she said the same thing. I knew that as long as Mel had a single breath left in his body, he had a chance to be healed. Then I thought about Lazarus and how the Lord had raised him for the dead days after he had died. I thought "wow if God is that powerful, just think what he could do for Mel".
When my brother, Andy, got there, the first thing he said was "God is not finished with Mel yet. He can still heal Mel and He is still on the throne, the King of Kings". I was so glad to have him there. He just held me in his big strong arms. I felt so little and alone. I felt like I was in the wilderness that Job experienced. I had said all along that these two years were the "Job" years of my life. He told Mel and I that as long as we wanted to fight, as long as Mel wanted to fight, we would all pray by standing on God's promises to us. The four of us prayed.
Deanna, Sharon and Nicole got there. Mel told Nicole to get ready because he was coming home the next day. She was so excited, but at the same time I think she knew something had happened.
I went downstairs with Deanna to get a drink and just fell apart. We stood in a little hallway filled with vending machines, and I just fell almost to the floor. I felt like my world was ending. She told me then "Patty I told you I would be beside you to get you through this from the day that we knew Mel had cancer, and I am still there for you, and I will do anything for you". My awesome friend, one of God's biggest blessings in my life, and she loved us so much.
I started making phone calls again telling people that even though the doctors had said Mel only had a few weeks left that I would not let that be spoken in our home. I wanted everyone to believe and pray with us for a miracle. I told them that doctors did not know the answers that only God could.
The hospital got all of the paperwork set up for Mel to leave the next day to have hospice care. They arranged ambulance transport for him to get back to Pueblo. Now we all had to leave to get back to Pueblo to make the arrangements.
On the way home Nicole rode with me. She asked me "mommy is daddy going to die". I told her "you know Nicole the doctors told us daddy is very sick and could die, but we all know that God can and does perform miracles every day, and we would continue to pray for a miracle". I told her we would just love daddy and hold onto him tight for every minute we would have with him, that it would be so good to have him home so we could be together as a family again, and we would leave the rest to God.
She looked so little. When Mel was first diagnosed with cancer, Nicole had asked me if he was going to die. I told her very firmly that he was not going to do die, that he was going to be ok. That night while I was lying awake in the dark God very clearly told me that I had to tell her that it might be His will that Mel would not survive the cancer. When I told her that only God knew how long daddy would be here, she very calmly told me "of course, only God knows what is going to happen". She had been through so much and seen so much helping me take care of her daddy. In ways she was very young, but in others she had become very wise while watching these two years of our lives unfold, but she always had faith, always. I love her and Daniel so much. I was (and still am) so scared of what this will do to them. I think it is very sad that they will never be who they would have been if their daddy had not died. I know this does not have to be a bad thing, that they can have the best lives ever, but it will never be what it would have been like if Mel had lived. My life will never be the same without him, but I have been so blessed to have been loved by him and with him and creating a family with him.
I don't yet know why our family had to go through this tragedy, and I may never know until God brings me home. I am terribly sad and lonely but eternally grateful to have had the kind of love and mutual respect that Mel and I had for each other. His love changed me to be a better person, and he made me the best thing in the world, a mother.
II Corinthians 5:7 For we walk by faith, not by sight. (I wish I had a seeing eye dog).
What does it mean to believe?
Believe . . . verb, action, to regard as true; to trust, to have faith, fully accept as truth; to take to grasp. To believe is an act of our will. It is how our faith is put to work.
Please Lord I prayed lying in my bed that night with both of my children at my side. They "smelled and felt so good".
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