Thursday, February 11, 2011 Riding out the storm

When I finally got back to the hospital (luckily the roads had cleared), Mel was in a total state of agitation.  He was very confused and restless.  He was using his call light every few minutes.  I remember that it drove me crazy, and I was embarrassed that he was being so annoying to the staff. I know the night nurse was very annoyed with Mel.  I had called as soon as I woke up this morning, and she was so impatient sounding, and I thought "at least you get paid to put up with demanding patients." Wow, that sounds compassionate doesn't it.  It's things like that, that I kick myself over to this day.  My impatience, the angry tone of my voice at times, I just feel terrible that I had those moments, when his moments by now were being numbered.

His lab work is not improving any more.  His creatinine has climbed up to what it was when we first got to the hospital.  They had re-placed his drain in his abdomen.  That hurt when he moved, his catheter hurt when he moved, he was vomiting, so I knew that had to hurt too.  We were both so tired of being at the hospital.  That is a really hard thing to do, and it is just as hard for the loved ones as it is on the patient. 

Luckily once I got back, he finally settled down and was a bit more peaceful and fell asleep.  The day nurse (I swore I would never forget her name, but I have) was so sweet.  She told me he just kept asking about me over and over and wanted her to call me.  She kept telling him that I was on my way.  All he needed was someone familiar to sit with him and hold his hand.  We both had a good nap.

One thing I thought was so funny about Mel, is that whenever he got sick or something, he always thanked me for being there with him.  I was so surprised by that, thinking well where else would I be but with him, but he was always genuinely thankful and grateful.  When he had his heart attack in May 2009, in the ER I got to see him for a minute before they took him to the cath lab, and he kept saying over and over "I'm so sorry, we can't afford this, we can't afford this" (we had no health insurance).  I told him that the one thing I could not afford was to lose him.  After his procedure, I got to go into the ICU and spend some time with him.  The first thing he told was "honey, thank you for being here with me".  I think sometimes we were both surprised by our love and faithfulness and devotion to one another.  I guess when you have to wait as long as we did to find that genuine love and friendship you appreciate it a lot. 

I went to bed tonight feeling very low.  I knew that if his creatinine didn't go down we were going to be in trouble as far as them not doing surgery.  I just prayed and read and re-read the scriptures Deanna sent me on my phone.  I called the kids to tell them good night.  I miss them so much.  Mel keeps telling the doctors he has to get home and see his kids.  He loved them so much.

I still whispered please Lord, please let there be a miracle for us.

John 14:13 And whatever you ask in My name, that I will do, that the Father may be glorified in the Son.  If you ask anything in My name, I will do it.

Mark 9:23  Jesus said to him, "If you can believe, all things are possible to him who believes."

James 5:15-16 And the prayer of faith will save the sick, and the Lord will raise him up, and if he has committed sins, he will be forgiven.  Confess your trespasses to one another, and pray for one another, that you may be healed.

I knew there were many people praying for us.  This gave me comfort, but I still had fear.  To this day I wonder if it was because I lacked enough faith.  I was trying to do everything "right" to get God on my side to do what I wanted him to do, even though I knew whatever was done would be God's will.  This is still something I have to ask forgiveness for.  I am still not at the point where I can talk to God about this.  Someday . . .

One of our favorites picures of Daniel.  He was 9 months old

This was taken at the party after Daniel's Adoption

 

Do we have the cutest kids or what?

This is the judge talking to Nicole after granting Daniel's adoption.  She allowed Nicole to speak on the record about what Daniel meant to her.  When Nicole was done, the judge said she had no choice but to grant Daniel's adoption because he would have the best big sister ever