My "M"other friends and Mother's Day

I used to be so envious of Mother's on Mother's Day, even though my nieces always remembered me on Mother's Day.  It just wasn't the same as having a child of my own.  I used to just cry and ask God why I hadn't been blessed with a husband and a family of my own.  When I was single and at family events where everyone was married and had their own family, I always felt lonely and left out.  I always seemed to want what I didn't have.  Then I was blessed with Mel.  We got pregnant seven months after we got married, the first time we tried.  My nieces Cora and Amanda were staying with me, and I went to the store to get a home pregnancy test, and it was positive. I couldn't believe it so I went to the store and got another one, and once again it was positive.  I was so sure that it had been way too easy and quick to get pregnancy I dragged the girls back to the store again and purchased ANOTHER pregnancy test.  Miraculously it hadn't changed in the 30 minutes or so since the last one had said positive.  I remember Cora and Amanda asking me "Aunt Patty why do we keep going back to the store and buying the same box".  Well not to take things for granted or anything, the next week when I went back to work I had a blood test done, and guess what it was POSITIVE too. 

I was a crazy woman.  I just COULD NOT believe that my second lifelong dream (the first being a wife) had come true.  I called Mel at work, and believe it or not he wasn't shocked.  Seems he believed the first three home tests I did.  I couldn't wait to tell people, especially my parents.  They were so excited for us.  They knew my dream had always been to have a baby of my own to love and care for, my "forever family".

I was pretty sick with morning sickness for the first four months.  What they don't tell you in What to Expect When You're Expecting is that morning sickness isn't just for morning.  For me it lasted all day.  I don't know why when a mother has a daughter she doesn't write a manual about these things, or about the guilt you feel every time the baby gets hurt, or the guilt you feel when you have to leave your baby to go back to work, or just the general "Ought to know" things.  I asked my mom about this, and she said she would never have written such a manual for fear that she would never become a grandmother.  She is a wise woman.

When I went to my first OB appointment, Mel couldn't get off work to go with me.  They did a transvaginal ultrasound.  I was a little confused when the nurse came rushing in with an ultrasound machine that had a drawer full of condoms in it, but I soon learned what they were for.  I had no idea what a transvaginal ultrasound was before that, and I thought "man they should hand out condoms before you get to this point".   The very second Nicole's little body lit up on that screen, and her heart was beating I was just in such AWE that the love Mel and I shared had created a child for us, on loan from God, to raise up in the way of the Lord.

I went back to work in tears.  Everyone thought I had gotten bad news, but I was just so humbled and grateful to have been so blessed.  I faxed copies of the ultrasound to Mel and my mom at work.  Mom still has the copy I faxed her.  When Mel got home, he just wrapped his arms around me and we both cried.  We were both thrilled.  Mel was so good to me during my pregnancy and while I had "morning sickness".  He was so patient and kind and did so many little things just to make my days easier.  

Since I was 37 years old when I got pregnant, the doctor wanted us to do genetic testing, but we told her we didn't want to do that.  We knew that no matter what any test might show, this was our baby, we already loved "her", and that nothing would make us change our minds about continuing with the pregnancy.  I told Mel that I just wanted to enjoy being pregnant, I didn't want to think about those things, I just wanted to soak up every minute of having a baby growing inside of me.  What an awesome gift God has given to women, what an honor, and what a responsibility.  Once my morning sickness ended, I loved every minute of being pregnant.  The most magical feeling in the world is the first time you feel your tiny baby moving around inside of your womb.  I loved wearing maternity clothes and everyone touching my belly.  I loved people asking me when I was due, why was I so big, was I having twins, was my doctor sure of my due date? I only gained 19 pounds when I was pregnant but my goodness I was huge. 

Mel and I had decided to invite my mom to be with us when Nicole was born.  We didn't find out the sex of the baby.  We wanted to be surprised.  I went into labor on Sunday, April 18, 1999 at 6:30 p.m. and Nicole finally arrived at 7:03 a.m. on April 19, 1999.  The joy, the unbelievable overwhelming joy that overcame me.  I felt like I must be the only woman who had ever felt that way, but of course I know that millions of women have had that joy, but to me it felt like for a moment in time I was the only one.  When Mel carried her to me to hold her for the first time, I just sobbed I was so overwhelmed with the goodness of God and the love He had shown Mel and I for allowing us to care for one of His precious children.  It was awesome having my mom with us.  I will never forget Dad coming to the hospital before he had to go to work.  He went in the nursery with Mel while they were dressing Nicole and getting ready to bring her back in to my room.  He hugged me with tears in his eyes and told me how beautiful she was.  Of course I already knew that.

With Daniel our experience was of course different, because we were blessed by God through the miracle of adoption, but all the feelings of joy and overwhelming love for Daniel was exactly the same that we felt with Nicole.  We were always in such awe that out of all the people who are searching for a newborn baby to adopt that God chose us to be Daniel's parents and Nicole to be his sister.  The best thing about Daniel was how God showed us how our love just multiplied over and over, and that no matter what we were his family.

I found out yesterday that I think I miss Mel the most on Mother's Day.  You see without me first being Mel's wife, I never would have been the mother of his children.  My marriage and becoming a mother were absolutely the most important life changing events in my life.  Mel and I both reevaluated ourselves when Nicole was born and really committed our lives and hers, and subsequently Daniel's, to the Lord. 

It is definitely bittersweet when you have been blessed by the absolute best God has to give you, and then the time comes when the best God had to give you is returned back to Him.  I have several dear and special friends dealing with, or having had to deal with, the fatality of their unborn children, the news that their unborn children may likely pass away before they ever have a chance to hold them, or losing precious babies just a few days after they were born.  Grief is such a consuming emotion with these sorts of things.  The anger, pain and betrayal that you feel towards God is just unfathomable.  You just simply cannot wrap your mind around God blessing you with your heart's desire and then for whatever reason these blessings turn to heartache and loss in the blink of an eye. 

My heart aches for my dear friends dealing with these issues, and yes my heart still absolutely aches from the loss of my precious Mel. I love you all so much, my heart aches with yours, I shed tears with you, and beseech God for answers on your behalf and for my own.  I know that my family and the joining of these other special families has been brought about by God.  You see we need each other.  We share the kind of grief that is all consuming, we share the burdens of each others, we search God for answers and for the right words to say to each other, but most of all we try our best to trust that God does know what He is doing and support each other with that knowledge.  Kelly and Diego, Erin and Kerry, Deanna and Butch, we all share a special bond of love and grief that brings people together to try to find the goodness of God in the worst of situations.  I love you all, and all of you have helped me grieve my loss, you have listened to me, you have supported me, I know you have prayed for me, but most of all you have just loved me.  I hope in some small way I have been a comfort to all of you in your times of turmoil and grief.  I can't wait to see you all and hug you and share tears and prayers with you in person.  It is in that way that we can begin to heal. 

Grief is not something you ever get over.  It is something that reshapes your life, your perspectives, your views on life, the importance of being so immersed in the love of  God and loved by people who love God, and this is how we can walk through grief, but never over it.

One day we will all be reunited with those we have known here on earth and with those precious ones God took home before we had time to love and know here on earth.  Praise God for the gift of Eternal Life, and the best part is that we have all chosen Him and will be forever friends.  I am blessed beyond measure by the knowledge of that.  I love you all so much.

Buyer's Remorse

Have you ever bought something and as soon as you got home with it regretted buying it? I know I have, sometimes I don't even make it to the car before I regret buying it.

I think buyer's remorse extends far beyond the price tag of an item we purchase in the store.  It extends to all aspects of our lives. There have been many times in my life when I seemed to accept ANYTHING anyone said to me as the truth, even though logically I knew it wasn't.  I have accepted lies from Satan and have followed his stinking path even though I knew it was against God's law. 

I think one of the biggest things we do that we regret, at least for me, is that I expect that people tell me something they mean it and it is the truth.  There is a high price to pay when you lose the trust in someone you trusted or they lose the trust in you that they had. 

Some things have happened in my life that I just couldn't, and still can't, believe that I have done to people or people have done to me.  Most of them are very childish but yet we hold them up as if they are high prized items (grudges to hold on to).  I especially get confused when I have seemingly done things that have hurt people, and I truly don't know what the transgression is, and they don't seem to have the need or courage to talk to me and tell me what's wrong.  I can be pretty good at this myself, and this is one thing I consciously try to avoid doing to people.  I have figured out if I want people to be honest with me I have to be honest with them.  We have to remember with honesty we won't always hear what we want to hear.

Then there are times in life when you tell the truth and other people choose, for whatever reason, not to believe you.  The only thing you can do then is stand on the truth you have told because you can't control whether or not people believe you.  Sometimes they don't believe you because they simply can't comprehend that someone they care about has said or done the things that you have told them about.

There are also times in life when a line is drawn in the sand, and both sides are so opposite of each other that each party finds it very hard to cross that line because doing so would mean having to accept you were wrong or at least you could have been wrong.  I especially find this hard to deal with when my kids are involved because like any mother I will stand on my side of the line with them when I know they are telling the truth or if they have had to make a hard decision because of hurtful things being done or said to them.

Sometimes I think, wow what if we could get our "money" back on these kinds of items like we can when we return something to the store for a refund.  The only way I know of doing that is through confessing and asking forgiveness from Jesus Christ.  We have to be careful to not have our hearts harden when these things happen, but we also have to learn to protect our hearts when they are hurt.  Teaching kids to have remorse and to ask for forgiveness is a job all parents should endeavor.  There is no comparison to that remorse and forgiveness when compared to the grace and mercy of Jesus Christ.  You see grace is not required and should only be given when there is no other way around it.

There are some big things in my life that I have buyer's remorse for, and most of them have happened in the last three years.  I wish I could have bought Mel a new heart, a new kidney, new intestines, new liver, new lungs.  I wish we could have gone to the hospital and just exchanged them for new ones.  I wish I never would have had to say a final goodbye to him.  I wish I didn't have to accept God's will that he take Mel home to cure him.  I wish I would not have had to make the decision to move when I did.  They say you should never make that kind of a decision for at least a year after your spouse has died.  I moved to Odessa exactly 10 weeks after Mel had passed away.  Somedays I like it here, I like the friends that I have made, I love my neighbors, I love our church, and I love the safety I feel here for my kids.  I don't like that I left my friends, my church, my parents and my home and everything that was familiar to me in one fell swoop.  I don't like that my kids had to go through that too.

But in life there are no refunds on major decisions made in the hour of grief, on words that are said that can't be unsaid, on actions that can't be undone, fatal diseases that take the ones you love the most, not having the relationships you thought you would have in life, and all kinds of other things. 

I can tell you though that sometimes "I want my money back", I want a refund, I want to go back to my old life, my comfortable life with Mel that was not a daily struggle trying to be happy, and to a life where my kids had their daddy.

Labor of love

13 years ago tonight I was in labor waiting for our precious daughter to be born.  I never dreamed 13 years could go so fast.  It seems like yesterday I was just meeting her for the first time.  I never thought I could have more love in my heart for her than on that day when Mel first put her in my arms, but my love for her has grown with each day of her life.  The people who know her and love her, and those who have taken the time to get to know her, adore her.  She is a true gift from God.  I know as sure as I will take my next breath that Nicole would NEVER hurt anyone, and is very repentant if she thinks she has.  Some people may think that I think she is perfect, and she is in the respect that she is a perfect creation from God.  I know that her behavior or attitude are not always perfect, but then whose is.

She loves her family and friends fiercely and with all of her heart.  She bubbles over with love for her family, her friends and her pets.  She loves animals, which I am sure she gets from me.  She has the easygoing nature and spirit that her daddy had.  She has his long legs too, and she often reminds me that soon she will be taller than me.  She loves her nanny and papa with a love that is great.  Her nanny (my mom) was with her dad and I for her delivery.  It was so special to me having my husband on one side of me and my mom on the other side of me.  It is magical watching the woman who gave birth to me, watching me give birth to our baby.  It was a wonderful night and next morning.  Nicole was born at a little after 7:00 a.m. on April 19, 1999. 

Nicole shines with the light of her Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.  She loves Him with all of her heart.  She loves to read her bible and memorize scripture.  She prays for every need that she hears about.  If an ambulance or police car goes by we all pray for those officers and the people they are going to help. She leads a bible study for the kids of the women's bible study I attend every Tuesday.  She reads them bible stories and has pictures for them to color and tells them about Jesus.

Nicole is generous to a fault.  If she has money to spend, she will most of the time spend more on others than she will on herself.  She is very generous with Daniel.  She adores her brother and spoils him with treats and little gifts every chance she gets.

I feel sad for the people who know her that don't see her sweet spirit, her lovings ways and her genuine kindness for others.  I think anyone who does not sense her inner kindness and sweetness is someone who has no concept of a Spirit filled, Jesus serving young girl, and a girl with a pure heart.  Again, I know she is not perfect, but she will admit when she has done wrong and is very honest and true.  I know I am supposed to feel this way because I am her mom, but I know a lot of other people who feel the same way.  Her daddy and I have always been so very proud of her.

I feel sad for all that she lost in her young life.  I feel sad that I haven't been able to "fix" these things for her.  All I can do is love her, listen to her and protect her from people who are judgmental or unkind towards her.  Her life has been forever changed by watching her daddy grow ill from cancer and ultimately dying in our home, but I also know that her life is forever changed by the love her daddy gave her while he was on this earth.  He adored her, and she him.  He bought her her first diamond.  He bought her a heart pendant for Christmas several years ago that has a diamond in it and told me that he wanted to be the first man to ever give her diamond.  He knew how important it was for a little girl to fall in love with her daddy.  I know that he set such a good example to her of how a husband should love his wife and family that she will be ready for the prince God has already chosen for her to spend her life with.

So Happy Birthday Nicole, my colie bug, my precious and beautiful daughter, Daddy's little girl and Daniel's big sissy.  We all love you so much.

Grief Letter

So here it goes.  I went to GriefShare support group last year, started it only two weeks after Mel died.  I just restarted it last Monday.  Our lesson this week is to write a grief letter to my  family and friends to understand what I am going through and what my grief feels like.

Dear Family and Friends:

First of all I would like to thank all of you have supported me this past year.  I never would have made it to this point in my grief without you.  My hopes in writing this letter now will put into perspective why I have done some of the things I have done, why I feel the way I do, how hard this has been for me and also to help you know what to say or do for people who are grieving.  Everyone's grief is unique to that certain person, and everyone's needs vary, but in general there are some things that can be said and done for anyone going through the loss of a loved one.

What has not helped me is hearing "it will get better", "he is still with you", "time heals all wounds", "you sleep too much", "your depression is out of control", "you are jeopardizing the well-being of your children by being so depressed and overcome with grief", "you need to cut your losses and get on with your life".

These words are not helpful simply because there is no way I can imagine my life without Mel in it, even today, a year later.  To me it will never get better, but I know it will get tolerable, and somehow I will learn to live with a "new normal".  Time does not heal wounds, it helps decrease the pain, but then the wounds re-open over and over again each time a new "first" or an old "first" happens.  I have learned that grief comes in waves like the ocean rolling in and out and over you.  I know I sleep a lot, but I had not slept a full night in over three years when Mel died, and I still spend many nights sleeplessly turning everything over and over in my mind.  My depression is not really any worse than it had been when Mel was sick, but grief is definitely an "additive" to depression, and is like nothing I have ever felt in my life.  I have never jeopardized my children in any area.  They are loved and taken care of.  Yes sometimes we stay in bed and watch TV, somedays it is all we can do to just get through the day.  You see they have "bad" days too, and I have to be sure to catch those to help them deal with this loss too.  I can't just get on with my life as if my life with Mel never happened or mattered.

Here are some specific things that can help:  Call and chat, be a good listener, say I am sorry you feel this way, I am here for you day or night.  Send random text messages or emails or cards, they mean a lot.  Pray for me, and let me know that you are praying for me and my kids.  On my kids' birthdays, our anniversary, my birthday, Mel's birthday, mother's day, father's day, and other holidays acknowledge that you know it is hard.  Ask if there is something you could do to help me.  Hug me and hug me again.  Sometimes that speaks louder than words.  Even if I cry, please listen to my story.  I will probably have to tell it over and over again until it sounds ok to me.  Please talk to me about Mel.  Ask what he liked to do, eat, talk about or even tell me if you miss him.  Again, I will probably cry, but the tears are not to keep you from talking to me or me telling you things I want you to hear.

My friend Deanna had these things to say that really expressed what I have been trying to do and what it has felt like to lose my husband:

While I recognize that you have never suffered through a loss as devastating as losing your husband, I hope you can put yourself in her shoes for just a moment. Patty has lost her best friend, her lover, her companion, her parenting partner, her financial partner, and her spiritual leader. None of us can imagine that loss until we experience it. I can tell you that Patty is doing the very best she can under the circumstances.
Patty and Mel discussed for almost two years how he would want her to carry on if the worst happened. Choices such as home-schooling Nicole as long as she desired to be home-schooled were well thought out, with much prayer. I believe that God has given Patty alone the unique insight to raise Nicole and Daniel. She will always do what she believes God has lead her to do for their best interests, but it hurts her when she feels like others don't think she is doing a good job as a mother.

She offered the following advice on specific things that you can do to help while people are grieving:
 
 Unconditional love is the most important thing she needs right now. Not that you need to agree with every choice she makes, but just to offer her words of love and encouragement to get through the day. Send her an "I love you" text, a card, some encouraging words. Give her a call when she comes to mind. Order a pizza to her house one evening so she doesn't have to cook (Deanna obviously has not been to Odessa, or she would know this is not an option). There are so many practical things that we as her family and friends can do to come along side of her and support her.

My cousin Debra had the following to say:

Personally we share with the weighing of whether we are too personal; in the middle of my grief who do I need to comfort when I share; maybe I just don't want to share today or ever; and on and on... And then when our loved ones are grieving all we want is for them to be better and we are helpless to make it better. We may listen. We change the subject. We don't bring up the subject up. And we prescribe a course of action that we think will help...and not even time heals...only Father knows the heart, and the pain, and the course it takes. And He knows that we fumble around in our grief and avoid aspects of it and are angry and...that list goes on, too! God is not even surprised by any ways that we who are grieving and we who are comforting are...we just are and He leads us as we let Him.

Patty, we all love you so much. We all wish we coul take the pain away. None of us are much experienced in comforting you so please forgive us when we get it wrong. I remember when Ron and I loss our triplets...you were so sweet to me! And all through the time when we struggled to have babies you never said...just relax...maybe you should adopt...etc. You listened. As we fumble around and try to do our best know above all else that we love you and we just want you to be better. Sometimes we will hit Bingo!!!, and sometimes it will be bingo but at the wrong time, and, unfortunately sometimes what we have to offer may hit you like thud...but we love you. If an important anniversary date or a special date is coming up let us know. That way you won't feel like we didn't remember (which of course we didn't :)) and we won't feel like bums because we forgot and didn't know.

I have also learned that I have a responsibility to let people know when I am particularly hurting or need some extra "hugs". 

Here is what my GriefShare describes the loss of a spouse:

A part of who you are is gone. Your identity is shaken to the very core. You wonder if you will ever feel normal again or if you will ever enjoy life again.

"When you lose a mate, you lose part of yourself," says Dr. Jim Conway. "It's as if you've had an amputation of an arm or a leg. I think that you don't really recover; you adjust, and the process of adjusting varies with every individual. There's no formula."

The pain that comes from the loss of a spouse is much deeper than most people realize because in a marital relationship two people become one flesh.

"The man said, 'This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called "woman," for she was taken out of man.' For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh" (Genesis 2:23-24).

When part of your flesh is abruptly taken away, there is a ripping and a tearing that leaves a huge, open wound.

"Until you have experienced the death of a spouse, there is no way you can tell someone how deep the hurt is. The Lord says that we are one flesh, and suddenly half of that flesh is torn from us," says Beth.

For me losing Mel was devastating.  I think the hardest part was that we had had such faith that God was going to heal Mel and we would have more time together.  I felt very betrayed by God (still do sometimes) that he had taken Mel from me and left me alone to do the things we had wanted to do together.  I loved Mel so much.  He was always so kind to me, and I never doubted his love for me.  I am trying to learn that Mel's death was not something "God did to me".

I guess through all of this I just want you all to know that even when I have been hurt by some of you I know that you love me.  I know this is not an easy thing to be on "either end of".  Grief is hell.  It can devour you if you let it.  If I didn't have my kids to take care of, it would have been very easy for me to let it devour me. 

One of the hardest things about not having Mel is that I am "on" 24/7 with my kids.  While I love them to the ends of the earth and back, there are times that I would love to have time to myself.  I question the decisions I make, and I always try to think what Mel would say about what to do in certain situations. 

I know that day by day my feelings change, my highs and lows change, but the thing that never changes is that I love my friends and family.  I want you to know that all in all I think you have all done a pretty good job of helping me without knowing what to do to help me. 

I am truly blessed by God.  Love you all Patty.
 
 

A New Life

Since losing Mel I have found out that I can never have my old life back.  His death means finding a new way for me and my kids and somehow a new, unimaginable, scary life.  It scares me in the dark corners of my mind to think of living without him.  I still can't quite wrap my mind around my life without Mel.  There are still days when I simply can only "breathe" for a minute at a time.  Grief can overtake you in an instant.  I'm trying to learn to love and trust God again.  It's good He knows what's going on with me because some days I have no clue.  It's so hard to not have a shoulder to lean on like you do when you are married.  I never thought grief would be so all-consuming at times, and I never expected the degree of anger that comes with it.

When I was trying to get us all ready to move to Washington, one night I put the kids to bed, then went to the garage to clean out the car and start to pack it for the longest, loneliest trip of my life.  I remember sitting in that car for over two hours.  I was screaming so hard and so long that I finally lost my voice.  I was so, so mad at God for what had happened with Mel.  I remember screaming over and over, how could you do this to me after I have loved you so much, after we trusted you so much and after waiting so long for Mel to come into my life that I had to lose him first.  My siblings had all had families long before I did, and selfish as it sounds I was so outraged that out of all the things in the world I got to be first at was losing my spouse. Boy I sure didn't feel privileged to have that slap in the face.  On the other hand I would never wish this on my brother or sister or their spouses to live through.  I have had many of these screaming matches with God over the past few years.  They started even before Mel died.  I was furious that God would allow him to have cancer and force us to walk that path of darkness.  And, yes they continue today, just not as often.

I tell everyone I know now that when you are lucky enough to find someone who absolutely adores you, would do anything for you, would lay down their own life for you to hold onto that person as tightly as you can, show love to them every chance you get, say I Love You every single day at least once, to be loving and kind even if at that moment you don't feel like it, because I have found that those chances run through your fingers like the sand in an hour glass, and there are no more.   I also tell them that most of the things we resist or argue about in a marriage really do not matter and certainly are not important enough to be mad at each other over.  Show mercy and grace to the people you love, and they will show it right back to you, and you will be so richly blessed by just letting the small stuff slide.  It's usually the small stuff that people get stuck on in a relationship, and at the end of the day does it really matter if the toilet seat is up or down, the toothpaste cap is on, or whatever it is the person you profess to love the most does that annoys the heck out of you.  Choose love in those moments because they will end one day.  Be best friends with the mate you choose for life.  They are the people who should know us better than we know ourselves and still love us!!!

Many people have told me what a difference I made in Mel's life and the changes that I made in his life.  The truth is he made those changes for me.  He melted my heart that had been hardened by many failed relationships, deceptions and lies by people who professed to love me.  The changes we made together were changes that happened because God made us ready at the very moment that we met to know that we would have that kind of love and friendship.  I never told Mel to get a hair cut, dress nicer or any of  other things his mom credited me with.  He did all of that on his own, because he wanted to, because he was ready to give up his old way of life.  I also made changes because I was tired of living the life I had been, and Mel was important enough to me to make those changes.  We can never change another human being but God can, and while He is doing it the best thing you can do is shut up and show mercy, grace, and love to that person.

The things I can still thank God for are my marriage, the wonderful husband he gifted me with and the two most awesome kids in the world.  People used to think we were crazy having kids when we did because of our ages, but I know now that God knew better than anyone that one day having our kids would literally save my life and give me the strength and courage I would need when I lost  Mel to somehow go on with life and try to make a new life, because my old life is forever over.

The day I left Colorado was one of the most horribly, sickening, nightmarish days of my life.  I was leaving everything I knew and had.  I had lost my husband, I was losing my church family, I was losing my friends, and leaving behind my parents who had gotten me through the hardest years of my life.  I also was losing the home that Mel and I built with love and joy to foreclosure.  When I left that morning, April 30, 2011, I told everyone I was going to drive to Missoula, Montana the first day, about a 17 hour drive.  My parents were worried about me driving that far, but I knew if I was going to leave my home and old life behind, I would have to get so far away from it and be so exhausted when I stopped for the night, that there would be no way I could turn away and go back home.

The next day, May 1, 2011, the most beautiful sight in the world to me was my sister waiting in her pickup just outside of Odessa waiting for our arrival.  I had never been so happy to see someone I loved in my whole life.  She took us to see our house, she had made a welcome sign for the door and had a vase full of daffodils to welcome us.  I love my sister so much and I will never forget seeing you on the side of the road meeting me to start the hardest journey I would ever take, making a life for myself without my precious Mel.

Rylee and things before and in between

Last week (March 14) our precious Daniel turned 4 years old.  It makes me sad that he no longer has any resemblance of a baby.  I have been baby crazy since I was old enough to know what a baby was.  I never had any aspirations to really "be" anything when I was growing up, but I always knew I wanted to have babies and lots of them.  I remember when I was 10 my Aunt Bonnie had their third child, Molly.  I remember Lois and I were actually pretty mad at mom because she wouldn't have a baby too.  Aunt Bonnie let us "share" Molly.  She was kind of a community baby between our two families, and I think she was greatly loved and adored by all of us.  I remember Aunt Bonnie letting me feed her bottles and help her bathe Molly.  I remember the baby shower my mom had for her.  She got a bassinet and it had a big stork in it.  My mom's other sister Merle also had a baby the year Molly was born, Amy, and a couple years before that she had Matthew.  They lived in Utah.  When Matthew was a baby they came to Colorado to visit us.  Aunt Merle let me help her do anything with Matthew.  I even changed his cloth diapers.  I remember one day we were having a barbecue outside and Aunt Merle asked me to check on Matthew, he was napping.  When I went to check on him, he was awake so I got him up and changed his diaper.  I was trying to be very careful with the diaper pins, but I stuck his stomach with one of them.  I remember thinking very clearly that his belly was going to probably pop open and everyone would know that I had hurt him.  I was crying, and Aunt Merle came to see what was taking me so long and if I needed help.  When I told her I had "stabbed" Matthew's tummy, she hugged me so tight and assured me she had done the same thing many times over the years and none of her babies had ever exploded from it. 

When Lois and Pete got married and had their first daughter, I felt a love I had NEVER felt before in my life.  My precious, beautiful Carrie was the world to me, but then I found out, just like parents do, that with every baby born your love just grows beyond measure to encompass all of them.  I felt the same way when Beth was born and then Jennie.  By the time Jennie was born, Lois and Pete had moved to Washington and I was so sad that I wasn't able to see her right away.  Growing up I always imagined Lois and I living in the same town and having babies together like my mom and her sister Bonnie did.  Our cousins were our best friends.

Carrie now is a mother herself of one very precious beautiful boy named Rece.  He is so adorably cute.  The way he holds his head in some of the pictures you just know he is thinking "hmmm". 

Beth is a mother now too.  She has Austin who is going to be 3 on May 1.  He is a funny, hilarious, loving, kind little boy.  He loves his Grammie so much.  She cares for him when Beth is working as a nurse, and boy does he get cared for and filled with love every day he spends with his Grammie.  Sometimes I think he would prefer her over his mommy, but just for a little while.  Last week, March 15, Beth and Jason welcomed a precious new baby girl into this world.  Her name is Rylee Marie (her middle name is after her Grammie and Lois's grammie).  She is so beautiful, but man I'm glad I didn't have to deliver her.  Beth is a tough one.  Ms. Rylee weighed in at 9 pounds 2.4 ounces and 21-1/2 inches long of all beautiful baby.  I feel so blessed to live here and to have been able to see her before she was 24 hours old.  Jennie is a student Virginia Commonwealth University working on her masters degree.  She hopes one day to be an athletic director for a pro team.  She's got what it takes.  She was an awesome pitcher and fast pitch softball player.  Years ago her team from Moses Lake went to a big fast pitch softball tournament in Colorado.  Mel and I and Nicole along with my parents and my brother's girls all went and stayed in Denver to watch her play.  Lois and Beth had driven from Washington to be there.  That was pretty awesome and Jennie wowed a lot of people with her athletic abilities.

My brother Andy and his wife Corinne are the parents of two absolutely compassionate, kind, loving daughters.  Amanda is 21 and Cora is 20.  Amanda is in college waiting to hear if she gets into nursing school.  She is a straight A student as well as working full time as a nurse's assistant at the VA Nursing Home.  She loves her patients, and I know they have to adore her.  She has a heart bigger than she is. Cora is a customer service representative for a small airport in their hometown of Rifle, Colorado.  She has been nominated as customer service representative of the year in Pro Pilot magazine.  I for one think she deserves the honor.  Cora couldn't be mean to anyone if she had to be.  She is a very sweet spirit.  One of the coolest things about these girls is their love and comittment to Jesus Christ.  They both serve in various ministries in their church.  I also think it is cool that they were home-schooled, and it simply shows that home-schooled kids are learning at the equivalent or higher than publicly educated kids.  This is a testament to their parents, especially their mom who made the sacrifice and comittment to teach her girls at home.

So last week was Daniel's birthday, his second one without his daddy.  It makes me sad.  Last year I just had a party for both Daniel and Nicole on Mel's birthday, March 29, which was in between both of their birthdays, Nicole's is April 19.  But then the very next day Rylee was born, another miracle, a new life a gift for God.  Lois and Pete are such sweet grandparents.  It is joyous to see them with their grandchildren and the love they have for them.  That's when it occurred to me that Mel and I will never be able to share the love of grandchildren between us.  Mel's older son and daughter both have children.  Aaron's are especially special in my heart, and I had the chance to take care of their oldest daughter Megan for a whole school year.  The things she did still make me laugh.  However, I would have loved for Mel and I to see Colie's babies and maybe Daniel's.

So all in all in the sadness and in between there is a lot of joy.  I am just thankful that in some small way I can be a part of Rylee, Austin and Sarina's lives, along with my sweet Bethie and her Jason and watch my sister glow with "Grammiehood" and Pete with his sweet and gentle nature that he extends to every kid he is around.  These people love my kids and me, and that is after all what life is all about.

The Day Daniel was Born

Four years ago today, our day started just like any other.  Mel was driving truck and was somewhere in California.  Nicole and I got ready to go to home school co-op for the day.  Little did we know that March 14, 2008, our lives would be wonderfully changed.

Mel and I had been certified foster parents for about three years and praying constantly for a newborn baby to be placed in our home with the hopes of adopting.  Every time we got a call from our child placement agency we would start praying about that baby, and we were very specific that we only wanted a baby that would be ours forever.  We had two couples in our church whom we would call every time we got a call, and they would also pray specifically for that with us.

When Nicole and I got home from school, we had an urgent message to call our child placement agency.  They had a placement and wanted to know if we would be interested.  I called them right away and our caseworker Cheryl told us about a baby boy who had been born early that morning to a mom that was addicted to drugs, was on parole, had already lost custody of two other children and was most likely going back to prison since she had tested positive for cocaine and marijuana when she delivered the baby she named Dustin.  I was so excited but tried to keep it low key for Nicole's sake.  I didn't want her to get her hopes up in case it didn't turn out.  I called Mel and our prayer friends and we all started praying.

Five o'clock came and went with no call from the state social worker.  Nicole and I went to have dinner with my parents.  When we got home, there was a message on our phone from the state social worker Melissa.  She wanted me to call her on her cell phone.  When I called her, she told me that the court order had already been signed for "Dustin" to be placed in the state's custody.  She assured me since it was a Friday that nothing would happen until at least Monday, but as far as she knew Dustin would be coming home from the hospital to our home.

That night I decided I better get a few supplies in, just in case this was for real.  I still hadn't told Nicole, but off we went to the store to buy some lotion, wipes, diapers, just the bare necessities.  Pretty soon Nicole wondered by I would be buying baby supplies.  I finally told her that there was just a slight possibility we might be getting a baby.  When we got home, I decided I would go ahead and take down the bunk beds we had in our spare bedroom and set up the crib.  Mel kept calling to see what I knew.  We were so excited, but still guarded, about this baby.  The circumstances surrounding his birth and his biological mother seemed to be in our favor.

Sunday morning Nicole and I were getting ready for church when the phone rang.  It was Dustin's social worker calling to tell me that the doctor taking care of him in the hospital had called her and told her that even though he was very small (4 lbs 6 ounces), he was very healthy and needed to be placed in a home as soon as possible so he could start bonding.  She was calling to tell me she would be at our house a little after noon with "our" baby.  When I got off the phone and told Nicole she dropped to her knees with tears streaming down her little face and just kept repeating "Thank you Jesus, thank you Jesus".  Nicole had longed for a baby brother or sister since she was four years old.

Now that we knew Dustin was coming home to us we hit the store big time buying baby boy outfits, tiny diapers, bottles, pacifiers, everything we could think of, and then we went home and started the longest wait of our lives.

It started to snow and I prayed for Melissa to have safe travel picking Dustin up from the hospital and traveling to our house.  It seemed like forever.  As soon as I saw a car in the driveway, I went flying out the door to meet Melissa and help her get everything in the house.  She gave me the baby in his car seat.  It was so light I was afraid she had forgotten the baby.  When we got in the house, Nicole was just dying to see him.  The nurses at the little hospital were he was born had gone to the Family Dollar store, the only store in the town he was born, and bought him a little green t-shirt, a little pair of green pants, some booties and Melissa had bought him two Winnie the Pooh blankets. 

When we unwrapped him, I just started to cry.  It felt just like it had when Nicole had been placed in my arms for the first time.  I couldn't wait for Melissa to leave.  As soon as she did, Nicole and I undressed him, counted all his fingers and toes.  He was so tiny.  His legs were so scrawny, just skin and bones.  We changed his diaper and got him changed into one of the new outfits we had bought him.  He had a fuzzy little head with red hair on it.  We took pictures on my cell phone to send to Mel and called him and told him our baby was home.  We called him peanut because he was so tiny.  He would be three weeks old before his daddy got to see him.  I have to say I was kind of glad because I got to just have him all to myself, or so I thought.  I hadn't taken "Little Momma" into account when I had those visions.

As soon as we got him dressed up, we loaded him in the car to take him to meet my parents.  They could not believe how tiny he was and how precious he was.  We all took turns holding him.  Nicole sat in her little wooden rocking chair and rocked him and sang to him.  What a glorious day.

Mel and I were always in such awe that out of all the parents in the world who can't have a baby of their own for whatever reason and waited so long for a newborn baby, and out of all those parents God chose us to be Daniel's parents.  We were so tremendously blessed.  Our family was now complete.

I think the smiles say it all.