Since becoming a "practicing born-again Christian" the season of lent leading up to Easter is one of my favorite times of the year. I like to look back and see what Jesus himself was doing during his final days on earth. I have not always been a "born-again" Christian. My mother comes from a Mormon background and my dad comes from a Catholic background. What a mix huh? My mom and dad raised us kids in the Catholic faith. I remember being very afraid of God as a child and trying to remember which sins were worse than other sins so I would know exactly what to say in confession. I also remember feeling like a bride on my First Holy Communion with my beautiful white dress, white patent leather shoes and white socks with lace and the white veil my mom made me. I still have that dress and veil and my white rosary and white prayer book. You see they are treasures from my past.
Once I graduated from high school I rarely, if ever, went to church. Usually only went if someone invited me or my granny wanted someone to take her. I was living the single life in Pueblo, CO, indulging in many vices of the flesh and mind, which I now know was offensive to God. I knew it then, but because of the doctrines I remembered from my childhood, I felt that God would never forgive me of all the sins I had committed. I certainly did not feel worthy of God's forgiveness. I figured since there was no hope for me I would just continue living the way I had been, in sin so deep that it almost cost me my life.
I experienced a life-changing event in my mid-20s when my cousin Lori took me to a Lowell Lundstrem crusade and the college in Pueblo. I remember very clearly wanting what those people had to offer. They told me it DID NOT MATTER TO GOD WHAT I HAD DONE, THAT HE HAD DIED EVEN FOR ME. I went forward at the altar call and accepted Jesus Christ as my personal savior. I became a "born-again" Christian. This didn't mean, however, that my life changed that night. I continued in my sinful ways, created more chaos in my life and in my family with every decision I made. I had people all over the place picking up the pieces for me so I could continue down the path I had chosen.
When it was dark, and I was very alone and lonely, I remember rationalizing with God that so what if I didn't live the life I had claimed as mine when I accepted Him into my life. I used to tell myself that I would just wait to fully embrace the saving grace of Jesus Christ until my deathbed when He would ask me what I chose and I would say "I choose you Lord". I look back now, and I think what a pathetic, damaged, heart-broken person I was to use that kind of logic. I would picture myself lying in the wreckage of a wrecked car knowing my end was near and calling out to Jesus.
You know I had it partly right. The moment I asked Jesus Christ into my heart, I became His child, NO MATTER WHAT I HAD DONE OR CONTINUED TO DO. I had asked him to forgive me of my sins, and in my head I knew that he had. I just took the "easy way our" or continued to do what was so familiar to me. When I think if the years I lost truly being a Child of God I am ashamed, but I know God forgives me even for that.
When I was in my late 20s I started attending church regularly. At first I went to the Catholic church because it was familiar and "safe" to me. It was what I had always known. Then my cousin Debra and her husband Ron moved to Pueblo from Iowa to be pastors. Ron became assistant pastor at Broadway Christian Church in Pueblo, CO, and they invited me to join them there. I was in LOVE. I loved the music. I loved hear the sermons recited RIGHT OUT OF THE BIBLE and scripture reference made so I could "check it and make sure the pastor was right". It wasn't until my 30th birthday that I really started taking my Christianity seriously.
I quit dating for the sake of dating. I told God I wanted to be married and have a family. I so desperately wanted to be a mom. I still sinned and do to this day. I don't always say things the right way, but I am passionate about Jesus and my faith. It took me 25 years to totally feel forgiven for some of the sins I had committed as a young adult. I knew in my head that I was forgiven, but it took a lot longer to make the "heart connection". I quit going to clubs to dance and drink and scan the place for eligible partners. I wasn't very good at that anyway!!
When I was 35 I decided that God was probably not going to round me up a husband, so I took on a 3rd job. I had decided to save money to adopt a baby girl from China. I didn't even pray about it. I just decided I was going to do it. See I still to this day have trouble seeking God's will before I try to tell Him what my will is and try to command Him to do my will. A year later Mel was brought into my life. He was 10 years older than me, and I really liked that. He was mature and didn't play games with my mind. I told him where I stood with Jesus when we first met. He told me that he had prayed for God to send him a "lady friend" to just have as a friend and a companion for movies or going out to eat. That was fine with me. I didn't mind being a lady friend, especially since he treated me like a lady. The first man in my life for a very long time who did. When I met Mel he was a beer drinker of very, shall we say, large proportion. I told him that I would never live with another alcoholic in my lifetime, that once was enough. He made a promise to me to quit drinking, and he did. We went to church together. We did laundry together at my house on Sunday's after church. We rode on his motorcycle. We went to movies. Somewhere along the line I found myself madly in love with him.
When we got married, we kind of got into the habit of "not going" to church. I got pregnant with Nicole only eight months after we married, and I was so sick for four months that the only place I went in the mornings was to work. When we had Nicole, though, our Pastor from Broadway, who married us, came to visit us in the hospital, and I have to say he appropriately oohed and aahed over our beautiful baby. Then some ladies whom I had been friends with at church came to visit. Mel and I decided that we needed to be in church, and that we had to absolutely commit to Jesus and His teachings and raise up our daughter that way. We wanted her to know that she was absolutely adored by God and that He would only want good things for her. We knew we wanted to raise her in the church and to learn about God through His word and teachings.
A lot of people tell me that I changed Mel. I never asked him to change for me. I was more than thrilled that he quit drinking, I didn't care whether or not he cut his hair or rode a motorcycle. I was smart enough to know that God had brought us into each other's lives at a time when both of us were ready for Him to work in us, for us to give the up the desires of the flesh and to follow Him and be committed to Him.
I know and love a lot of people who go to different churches. Most of them are my family. I am not here to judge what church they go to, but I know these things for certain:
1. You have to humble yourself at the cross and ASK Jesus Christ to come dwell within you through the Holy Spirit.
2. You have to believe that the ONLY REASON Jesus Christ walked this earth as a man was with the full intention of his blood being shed so that we might be washed as clean as snow.
3. You have to know that the ONLY way to heaven is through the shedding of His blood and desiring Him to dwell in you is the ONLY way to get to heaven.
4. You Hvae to know that JESUS CHRIST arose on the 3rd day and is seated at the RIGHT HAND OF THE FATHER TO INTERCEDE FOR US. Do you know that means that Jesus is sitting right next to GOD praying for us and going to God on our behalf. Isn't that a freeing thought. I know it certainly gives me comfort to know that Jesus himself is interceding with God for me, little old me!!!
A lot of people, including me at one time, think wow you have to give up so much to be a Christian. You really don't, because if you truly choose Jesus and desire him to work in your life, you will want to stop doing things of a sinful nature, you will want to be more like Him, you will want to seek His will for your life, and you will desire all the love that the Master has for you!!! This is not an overnight process, it is a lifelong, life-changing process. We are all works of art in the making.
My desire is to know without a doubt that all the people I love and adore on this earth are going to live in heaven with me for eternity. I also know that there is not one person God has created that He (no matter the sin) will not forgive. He certainly did not create any one of us to spend eternity in Hell with the likes of Satan. He created each and every one of so to spend eternity in Heaven with Him. After all we are all created in His image, and our true vocation in life should be Pleasing and Serving only one Master. If you have things in your life keeping you from fulfilling the very best that God has planned for you, ask for conviction from God and the foundation to stand firm upon to get past those "things". I know I still get caught up in "things" that are more important to me than they should be.
I am so glad that Mel and I made the choices we made about have a Godly marriage, raising a Godly family and trying to live a Godly life. Because of this I am assured of spending eternity with the man I love so dearly and only had here on earth for 14 years. I am Blessed, but I am also still imperfect and I know I offend people, hurt people I don't have any intention of hurting, but at least now I can apologize and I can humble myself before the Lord and ask his forgiveness.
The greatest Gift of All is truly the forgiveness of God. He is a God in the business of forgiveness, no matter the sin and He is still in the business of changing lives and doing miracles.
Sunday, March 4, 2012
Saturday, February 25, 2012
Friday, February 25, 2011 A Final Goodbye
This is the day we gathered at Mel's memorial service to honor his memory. All week long I had told people I was going to speak at the service. Some people commented that I would never be able to do it. They didn't account for my determination to honor Mel's memory and to give a testimony of his life as a Christian and our lives as a Christian family. Nicole and Aaron spoke first and then it was my turn.
Today we are here to remember my husband, Mel. Mel and I met, some may say, by chance, but I believe God's hand was in our relationship from the beginning. I had a neighbor who was very determined on marrying me off, and she did this by setting me up on many blind dates. Finally I told her no more. I've had enough, but Gloria wasn't done with me yet. She and her husband rode motorcycles and had stopped in a bar one day where they met a supposedly very nice bartender. She rushed home to tell me all about him and wanted to set us up on a date. I told her absolutely not, but Gloria was not a quitter and finally convinced me to at least exchange phone numbers with this guy who turned out to be Mel. After a few weeks of chatting on the phone, and man he could talk, my friend Ruth and I decided that unbeknownst to Mel we would casually drop in at his place of employment and have a refreshing beer on a hot afternoon. There was only one other person there, and he soon left. After about an hour I introduced myself to Mel. He always said he knew right away who I was, but that's only because he liked to be the one pulling the prank on someone.
We both knew fair quickly that we had something special. We had both had a few failed relationships in our past, and we just instinctively knew that we had something very different together, and I think it is because we became friends first. We had only known each other a few months when Mel asked me to marry him, and of course I said yes. I was on top of the world and more in love than I had ever been. Mel was absolutely the kindest man I had ever met. He was always very concerned about my feelings and was actually very romantic, which was a treat for me.
When we were married, Mel was the one who cried at our wedding, he cried when he found out we were having Nicole, he cried when Nicole was born, and he cried the first time he saw Daniel. He cried when he became a grandfather. He looked big and tough guy, but he was just a teddy bear in disguise. We had a wonderful life together and were truly blessed by the family we created together. The most important thing to Mel was his family, and he was very proud of all of us. The nicest compliment Mel ever paid me was after we had Nicole and he looked around and told me I love you both so much, I never thought this would be my life and I am so blessed.
The day we found out Mel had cancer, I told him our lives would never be the same again, and they weren't. Mel vowed from the beginning that he would conquer cancer because he couldn't bear to leave his family and the love we shared. At first his cancer responded very well to treatment but by the time they caught his cancer it was so aggressive that it spread very quickly. Still Mel stayed strong and fought for us. He always thought of the kids and me and wanted to stay with us. The last time he was in the hospital, and they told us the end was near we just held each other and cried. We knew we wanted him to be home, he was so desperately homesick for his family. We also knew that as long as there was a breath in his body there was time for God to perform a miracle. We both also knew that sometimes the miracle God has for healing is to take one of his children home, and that is what He did for Mel on Sunday, February 20, 2011 at approximately 10:40 a.m. while the kids and I were at church. I think he knew it would be too hard for us to watch him go, and that was his final gift of love to us.
There are so many people I need to thank who have walked this journey with us. First of all I want to thank our Lord and Savior that because of the shedding of his blood my children and I will spend eternity with Mel. I want to thank my parents for their unwavering support both financially and emotionally. I want to thank my sister who has been so supportive, even while fighting her own battle with cancer. I want to thank the Aragon family for their unwavering faith, their love, and for knowing probably better than anyone, what we have been going through, because they are going through many trials with Diego's health. I want to thank all the believers who stood shoulder to shoulder with us praying unceasingly for a miracle for our family. I would like to thank everyone who has called, sent a card, stopped by for a visit or who just thought of us in some kind way. A special thanks to Gary Davis, Mel's best friend, who called him nearly every day and brightened his life with his stories and the nonsense they shared together. My entire family has been awesome and has shown me how families get through things and that is by sticking together. I want to thank the best friend God has ever blessed me with Deanna Nezvensky. When Mel was first diagnosed with cancer, she promised me she would be there to get me through it, and she has. In thanking her, I need to thank her family for the sacrifices they made so that she could be with me. Several months ago, an angel came to our house to help us, Tiffany Reno. She has been there through our joys and sorrows, she has occupied my children when things were overwhelming, and she has brought sunshine to us when there was darkness. Most of all I want to thank her for being with my blessed husband when he took his last breath. It comforts me to know that he was with someone he loved and who loved him. Last, but most importantly of all I want to thank Mel for the best 14 years of my life and for having loved me just because of who I am not wanting me to ever change for anyone, not even him. When he would get really sick, he was always worried that he was a burden to me, but if I had it to do all over again, I would because it made me love him more. Until eternity my love.
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Wednesday, February 22, 2012
Feb 21, 2011 - Feb 24, 2011 Preparation
I had never imagined sitting in a mortuary or planning a memorial service for Mel. I guess you just don't think about those things. I had decided that I wanted Mel to be cremated. Since we were moving, I didn't want to bury him and "leave him behind". I know that what is left is just the flesh, but I just couldn't bury him and leave him in Colorado. I brought his cremains (ashes) with us, waiting for God to help me decide where to "lay him to rest".
Sitting in the mortuary I almost felt like I was going to be very sick. My heart was broken, I was freezing cold, and I could barely think. I was glad my parents and Aaron was with me. I wanted Aaron to help me say goodbye to his dad. Mel also loved my parents so very much, I knew he would want them with me.
I remember signing the papers for them to cremate Mel. I remember I just wanted to ask them to see Mel one more time, but I knew that would probably not be a good thing for me to do. I only have one regret from the day Mel died. I hope this doesn't sound morbid or freaky, but I wish I would have just laid in his bed with him and held him close to me one more time. I didn't do it because I didn't know how to ask, and I didn't know how the people there would react. I encourage anyone who goes through this that whatever you want to do is "normal" for you. Don't ever be held back like I was. I also wish I would have asked to be alone with him. I was just on auto pilot. I didn't even remember where my kids were.
Our fat cat Joey had been sleeping on Mel's feet the whole week he was home with hospice. He would get up and go potty or to eat and drink but would immediately come back to lay on Mel's feet. When Mel died he sat on the floor in the kitchen and howled the most mournful howl. That's how I felt.
I will never forget them taking Mel's body out the door. There was a voice inside me just screaming NO, NO, NO. I felt like a little kid. I wanted to lay on the floor and kick and scream and flail my arms and scream NO, GOD WHERE ARE YOU, WHY IS THIS THE ANSWER!! I was very angry with God and also felt like He had betrayed me when I had been drawn so close to Him over the previous years.
I stayed at my parents' house for a couple nights, but then I knew I had to go home. I had to do it before I was too scared to ever go be in that house alone. The first night back in the house, I looked out into the hall outside our bedroom door and saw a shadow. I called for Mel, then remembered he wasn't there. The phone would ring and I would think "Oh that's Mel calling to let me know when he will be home". The kids were sleeping with me. I couldn't bear to be away from them. I was scared of the dark and the memories that came when they fell asleep. All the things that ran through my mind. My life seemed to stretch out before me with endless miles of "nothing". How could it be that I would have to travel those miles without Mel.
I had lived alone for many years before marrying Mel, but this was an absolutely horrifying aloneness that I had ever known when I lived alone. It was so much worse after having loved and lived with Mel for 13 years. Someone to talk to at night after the kids were asleep, someone to hold me and kiss me and love me. I physically, literally, ached for him. I was so cold inside. I felt like my chest had been ripped open and my heart torn out and stomped on. At night I would just angrily ask God what I had done to deserve losing Mel. I know that's not how God works, but not on those first lonely nights.
I had to go through photos to pick out pictures for the slide show we wanted to do at the memorial service. Aaron picked a song to be played with them and I picked one too. We decided that Nicole, Aaron and I would all speak at the service. I was so glad that Pastor Hal would be doing the service. He knew us and had cared for us for so many years.
My family was starting to arrive. My brother, his wife, and their youngest daughter, Lois and Pete, my uncle from Albuquerque, my cousin from Texas, my niece in Colorado Springs. I dreaded the day they would all leave because that would make everything all the more "final" and more loneliness, too many goodbyes to say. I just wanted to cling to everyone I loved, I never wanted to say another goodbye in my life.
I couldn't figure out how to fit a lifetime into one memorial service and a picture slide show. I just knew I would do it and make it beautiful to honor Mel.
Sitting in the mortuary I almost felt like I was going to be very sick. My heart was broken, I was freezing cold, and I could barely think. I was glad my parents and Aaron was with me. I wanted Aaron to help me say goodbye to his dad. Mel also loved my parents so very much, I knew he would want them with me.
I remember signing the papers for them to cremate Mel. I remember I just wanted to ask them to see Mel one more time, but I knew that would probably not be a good thing for me to do. I only have one regret from the day Mel died. I hope this doesn't sound morbid or freaky, but I wish I would have just laid in his bed with him and held him close to me one more time. I didn't do it because I didn't know how to ask, and I didn't know how the people there would react. I encourage anyone who goes through this that whatever you want to do is "normal" for you. Don't ever be held back like I was. I also wish I would have asked to be alone with him. I was just on auto pilot. I didn't even remember where my kids were.
Our fat cat Joey had been sleeping on Mel's feet the whole week he was home with hospice. He would get up and go potty or to eat and drink but would immediately come back to lay on Mel's feet. When Mel died he sat on the floor in the kitchen and howled the most mournful howl. That's how I felt.
I will never forget them taking Mel's body out the door. There was a voice inside me just screaming NO, NO, NO. I felt like a little kid. I wanted to lay on the floor and kick and scream and flail my arms and scream NO, GOD WHERE ARE YOU, WHY IS THIS THE ANSWER!! I was very angry with God and also felt like He had betrayed me when I had been drawn so close to Him over the previous years.
I stayed at my parents' house for a couple nights, but then I knew I had to go home. I had to do it before I was too scared to ever go be in that house alone. The first night back in the house, I looked out into the hall outside our bedroom door and saw a shadow. I called for Mel, then remembered he wasn't there. The phone would ring and I would think "Oh that's Mel calling to let me know when he will be home". The kids were sleeping with me. I couldn't bear to be away from them. I was scared of the dark and the memories that came when they fell asleep. All the things that ran through my mind. My life seemed to stretch out before me with endless miles of "nothing". How could it be that I would have to travel those miles without Mel.
I had lived alone for many years before marrying Mel, but this was an absolutely horrifying aloneness that I had ever known when I lived alone. It was so much worse after having loved and lived with Mel for 13 years. Someone to talk to at night after the kids were asleep, someone to hold me and kiss me and love me. I physically, literally, ached for him. I was so cold inside. I felt like my chest had been ripped open and my heart torn out and stomped on. At night I would just angrily ask God what I had done to deserve losing Mel. I know that's not how God works, but not on those first lonely nights.
I had to go through photos to pick out pictures for the slide show we wanted to do at the memorial service. Aaron picked a song to be played with them and I picked one too. We decided that Nicole, Aaron and I would all speak at the service. I was so glad that Pastor Hal would be doing the service. He knew us and had cared for us for so many years.
My family was starting to arrive. My brother, his wife, and their youngest daughter, Lois and Pete, my uncle from Albuquerque, my cousin from Texas, my niece in Colorado Springs. I dreaded the day they would all leave because that would make everything all the more "final" and more loneliness, too many goodbyes to say. I just wanted to cling to everyone I loved, I never wanted to say another goodbye in my life.
I couldn't figure out how to fit a lifetime into one memorial service and a picture slide show. I just knew I would do it and make it beautiful to honor Mel.
Monday, February 20, 2012
February 20, 2011 The Battle is Won
This is such a a hard day to remember, but it was even worse to go through. I remember that morning getting the kids ready for church so that Deanna could pick Nicole up early to go rehearse the songs they were going to sing. I got ready and then sat by Mel and just talked to him. I told him I love him and we kissed. Tiffie got there to stay with him, and I left to to go church.
There were a lot of people at church that day as it was Pastor Hal's final sermon. I remember when I got there, I was sitting alone, and then Butch and Deanna came and sat with me. The youth group sang. Their final song was "I Can Only Imagine" by Mercy Me. (Remember this for later in the post).
Nicole came and sat with me. Pastor Hal had started his sermon. Out of the corner of my eye I saw my dad and my cousin Cliff. At first all I could think was how nice it was that dad had come to hear Colie sing, but that it was sad that he was late. But then I saw the tears in his eyes and the look on Cliff's face. Dad told me Mel was gone. I was just instantly in shock. I grabbed ahold of Nicole and got up to leave. I remember people turning around to see what was happening. When we got to the back of the church I started crying and say no, no, no. I almost fell backwards, but dad was there to catch. I remember Deanna running back and telling me she would get Daniel. Some other people came to the back of the church too. Cliff and dad were in Cliff's truck and got Nicole and me in his truck. I remember calling Aaron to tell him that Mel was gone.
When we got to our house, my cousin Diana was outside with tearing streaming down her face. I remember dad telling Cliff to go behind me on the stairs so if I fell. I remember rushing in and Tiffie was just in tears and Rick was with her. They were saying they had called hospice. I ran to Mel and just started touching him, looking to see if it was true. I put my hands under him and I remeber saying he was still warm and in my mind I thought well then he is alive, but when I looked again I knew it was true, he was really gone. I remember Brian from the mortuary coming. I had known him for years when I worked at the hospital. He was shocked to see me. I knew the kids were gone but didn't know where. Deanna told me they were safe. I remember thinking I will never feel his touch or hear his voice again in my life. I have never been so utterly sad in my life. I felt like a huge hole had been ripped in my body, and I was so cold.
Brian wanted me to leave while they got Mel ready to go, but I told him I had to be with him. They took his hospital gown off and I sent Aaron to get him a pair of sweat pants and a Harley t-shirt that Aaron had give him one year for Christmas. I just kept thinking how do I do this, how do I plan all this, what will happen to us, how can I possibly live without him. I remember kissing him one more time before Brian took him to the mortuary.
My mind lost so much of that day and the days to come that I had to have people help me remember.
[Mom and Dad: Dear Patty: It is difficult for me to write this. The memories are so close to the surface. I 'm trying my best to recall the day of Mel's death. The first I knew about his death was when Cliff came over to tell us and picked Dad up to go to the church to get you and the kids. I got in the car and went to your house.When I got there Tiffie, Diana and Rick were there, I'm not sure if any one else was there. In
about 15 minutes Dad got there with you and the kids.When I saw you and the kids , I felt like my heart had been torn apart. I loved you so much and there was nothing I could do to make it better. I do truly believe that Mel waited to die until you were gone with Sis and Bubby.
Dad and I talked about that day this morning.This is what he remembers: He said Cliff had called him and told him that Mel had died. Then Cliff came and picked dad up, went to church to get you. Dad said that in hindsight he should have waited at the church until the service was over to tell you.I think he felt like he disrupted church. Dad was concerned about you and the kids. I know a lot of people were in and out all day bringing prayers, good wishes, and lots of good food. I especially remember Hal and miss Sharon.
You had so many wonderful and faithful friends that stood by your side.Tiffie an Deanna stand out in my mind. I know that I've rambled, my memory isn't as good as it should be, but I hope that in some way this will help you.If you have questions please ask. Love Mom]
[Deanna:
There were a lot of people at church that day as it was Pastor Hal's final sermon. I remember when I got there, I was sitting alone, and then Butch and Deanna came and sat with me. The youth group sang. Their final song was "I Can Only Imagine" by Mercy Me. (Remember this for later in the post).
Nicole came and sat with me. Pastor Hal had started his sermon. Out of the corner of my eye I saw my dad and my cousin Cliff. At first all I could think was how nice it was that dad had come to hear Colie sing, but that it was sad that he was late. But then I saw the tears in his eyes and the look on Cliff's face. Dad told me Mel was gone. I was just instantly in shock. I grabbed ahold of Nicole and got up to leave. I remember people turning around to see what was happening. When we got to the back of the church I started crying and say no, no, no. I almost fell backwards, but dad was there to catch. I remember Deanna running back and telling me she would get Daniel. Some other people came to the back of the church too. Cliff and dad were in Cliff's truck and got Nicole and me in his truck. I remember calling Aaron to tell him that Mel was gone.
When we got to our house, my cousin Diana was outside with tearing streaming down her face. I remember dad telling Cliff to go behind me on the stairs so if I fell. I remember rushing in and Tiffie was just in tears and Rick was with her. They were saying they had called hospice. I ran to Mel and just started touching him, looking to see if it was true. I put my hands under him and I remeber saying he was still warm and in my mind I thought well then he is alive, but when I looked again I knew it was true, he was really gone. I remember Brian from the mortuary coming. I had known him for years when I worked at the hospital. He was shocked to see me. I knew the kids were gone but didn't know where. Deanna told me they were safe. I remember thinking I will never feel his touch or hear his voice again in my life. I have never been so utterly sad in my life. I felt like a huge hole had been ripped in my body, and I was so cold.
Brian wanted me to leave while they got Mel ready to go, but I told him I had to be with him. They took his hospital gown off and I sent Aaron to get him a pair of sweat pants and a Harley t-shirt that Aaron had give him one year for Christmas. I just kept thinking how do I do this, how do I plan all this, what will happen to us, how can I possibly live without him. I remember kissing him one more time before Brian took him to the mortuary.
My mind lost so much of that day and the days to come that I had to have people help me remember.
[Mom and Dad: Dear Patty: It is difficult for me to write this. The memories are so close to the surface. I 'm trying my best to recall the day of Mel's death. The first I knew about his death was when Cliff came over to tell us and picked Dad up to go to the church to get you and the kids. I got in the car and went to your house.When I got there Tiffie, Diana and Rick were there, I'm not sure if any one else was there. In
about 15 minutes Dad got there with you and the kids.When I saw you and the kids , I felt like my heart had been torn apart. I loved you so much and there was nothing I could do to make it better. I do truly believe that Mel waited to die until you were gone with Sis and Bubby.
Dad and I talked about that day this morning.This is what he remembers: He said Cliff had called him and told him that Mel had died. Then Cliff came and picked dad up, went to church to get you. Dad said that in hindsight he should have waited at the church until the service was over to tell you.I think he felt like he disrupted church. Dad was concerned about you and the kids. I know a lot of people were in and out all day bringing prayers, good wishes, and lots of good food. I especially remember Hal and miss Sharon.
You had so many wonderful and faithful friends that stood by your side.Tiffie an Deanna stand out in my mind. I know that I've rambled, my memory isn't as good as it should be, but I hope that in some way this will help you.If you have questions please ask. Love Mom]
[Deanna:
I finally have a few free moments to write about the 20th. I got to church that morning and was looking all over for you. I somehow missed you in the front few rows, probably because church was mor full than normal for Hal's last sermon, so I sat down in the back to wait for you. Right as church was starting, I noticed you. I grabbed Butch and we got the seats next to you...how thankful I am that I was by you. I remember the worship being more upbeat than usual, and the kids singing "I Can Only Imagine." Then Hal started in on his sermon. I heard a little rustling next to you and saw your Dad. My heart just sank. You turned to me with eyes as big as saucers and said "Mel's gone." I started scrambling to get your stuff together as your Dad and Cliff walked you and Nicole out. You didn't start crying until you got to the back of the church, I think it took a minute for you to process what they were saying. Your Dad and Cliff helped you down the stairs. I found your keys and went and got Daniel. Cliff drove you, your dad, and Nicole home, while Daniel and I followed in your car. I remember thinking that I had no idea what I should say to Daniel, so I just tried to have a normal conversation with him. I didn't want to scare him, but all I could think about was how life was never going to be the same for any of you.
I got to your house right after you guys. Your mom was inside, and Diana was outside crying. I left Daniel with her and headed in. You and Nicole were hugging Mel, crying over him. Tiffany was telling you that he went very peacefully. She apologized for not calling you and said she didn't want you to drive. You put your arm around Mel and found that his back was still warm. You left your hand there for quite some time.
Colie was getting uncomfortable so she and Daniel left with Diana. I think Tiffany went with them too. A steady stream of people started coming in. Aaron, Sharon, Hal, Rick? (Diana's boyfriend). Your brother sent a text, apologizing for not being there. The hospice nurse got there and we tried to answer questions for you so you didn't have to think. He asked us to step into the kitchen while he removed Mel's tubes. While we were in the kitchen, Aaron told you how Mel was never as happy as when he met you and that you made him a better person. He said he was most thankful that you brought Mel into a relationship with Christ.
After the nurse was done, we went back into the living room to wait for Brian from Davis mortuary. You sat in your recliner next to Mel, holding his hand. You were freezing, probably from the shock, so we got blankets for you and piled them on, leaving your hand free for Mel. When Brian got there, he asked what you had in mind for Mel's remains, and you told him you had to talk to Nicole first. Brian dressed him in the "If you can read this..." Harley shirt that Aaron had bought for him. Aaron seemed to like that. Brian told you that it would be best for you to step out while they prepared the body, that it might be hard for you to watch. You told him you would like to stay. Brian and an assistant very caringly loaded Mel onto the stretcher. They put his body in the bag, but did not cover his face. You gave him a kiss, then they wheeled him out.
The rest of the day was a stream of company. Hal had to go meet his family for lunch for his retirement, but Sharon refused to go and stayed with you. Your parents were there, which went smoothly except for the little fight over the trash bags. Obviously tensions were high. The Aragons came. Jacia couldn't get to Nicole quick enough. Nicole was brought home. I'm a little fuzzy on how the transfer happened, but I think Diego took Nicole somewhere with the kids while Kelly stayed with us...though I remember Diego being there too. I think Daniel was still with Tiffany, they went out to see Rick's horses. Chad Nagler came by and prayed with you. Hospice came and got the bed. You took a few phone calls.
After a while Nicole came home. She was feeling better and you were worried that she was "too" ok. Kids grieve differently. You decided to head to your mom's to spend the night. I followed with the Aragons. We stayed with you at your parents for a couple more hours. Butch came and got me around 7:00 I believe. I was hoping you would get some rest. The Aragons were still there when I left, not sure how long they stayed.
You talked a lot about Mel that day, and said often that he was the only person who loved you just because you were you, that you didn't have to "do" anything to earn his love. What a special, special man, and a special, special love you shared.]
After that all I can remember is being colder than I have ever been in my life. That lasted for about three weeks. I also remember not being able to keep my eyes open. I remember being in my dad's recliner at my parents house with blankets piled on me. I could hear people come and go, but it took every ounce of strength I had to open my eyes and keep them open. I remember my dad told my mom to watch me when I got up because I was still unsteady and I was in shock. I remember falling asleep in my mom's bed with the electric blanket on high and my mom's arms around me.
So today, February 20, 2012 I decided that the kids and I would do something to celebrate Mel's one year anniversary in heaven. We drove a lot of miles today and went to Palouse Falls. Our neighbors had told us how beautiful they were, and the internet said their beauty rivaled Niagra Falls. I told Nicole today that I knew her daddy was so proud of her, and what she has helped me through the past year. We have decided that every year we will do something fun to celebrate with Mel.
I had to pull over at one point because Daniel was carsick. Nicole got out to let Harley go potty. My friend Faye called to see how I was doing. While waiting for Nicole to get back in the car, I prayed for God to please send me a sign that Mel was near and that God was near. We went and looked at the falls, and they were absolutely beautiful. When we were leaving the falls, I had found a Christian station on the radio, and the first song they played when we started driving away was "I Can Only Imagine" by Mercy Me. Remember above where I told you to remember that Nicole was signing that song at church. When Tiffie told me what time Mel had taken his final breath, Nicole and the youth group was singing that very song, and Nicole, Megan and Tina sang it at Mel's memorial service. I told Nicole what I had prayed for and we both knew that was an answer to prayer.
We then drove to Ritzville to eat supper. When we were getting on the interstate to come home the same radio station played "Amazing Grace My Chains are Gone" by Chris Tomlin. Tina also sang this song at Mel's memorial service. Nicole and I were just in awe of God's work today.
I just want to finish today's post by thanking everyone who has helped us walk this journey over the last year. I never would have made it without any of you. I'm not going to try to list names, because I will most assuredly miss someone. I know that grief is so hard for people to know what to do to help you deal with it. My experience has been that you don't really have to say anything, listening is the most important thing. Hugging is good too, especially when I have been so overcome with tears, nothing can help like a hug. You can't really tell someone it is going to get better. I have learned it will never "be better". It will hopefully get easier, but it will never be better to me to have to live without Mel. I am so glad that we shared the love we had, and as hard as this past year has been and taking care of him when he was sick, if I had to choose I would do it all over again because his love was definitely worth it. I just want to leave you with the song Mel picked out for us to dance to at our wedding as our first dance.
Mel did love until is last breath. I believe his final gift to me was to be with the kids when he went because he knew it would be too hard with especially the kids there.
I got to your house right after you guys. Your mom was inside, and Diana was outside crying. I left Daniel with her and headed in. You and Nicole were hugging Mel, crying over him. Tiffany was telling you that he went very peacefully. She apologized for not calling you and said she didn't want you to drive. You put your arm around Mel and found that his back was still warm. You left your hand there for quite some time.
Colie was getting uncomfortable so she and Daniel left with Diana. I think Tiffany went with them too. A steady stream of people started coming in. Aaron, Sharon, Hal, Rick? (Diana's boyfriend). Your brother sent a text, apologizing for not being there. The hospice nurse got there and we tried to answer questions for you so you didn't have to think. He asked us to step into the kitchen while he removed Mel's tubes. While we were in the kitchen, Aaron told you how Mel was never as happy as when he met you and that you made him a better person. He said he was most thankful that you brought Mel into a relationship with Christ.
After the nurse was done, we went back into the living room to wait for Brian from Davis mortuary. You sat in your recliner next to Mel, holding his hand. You were freezing, probably from the shock, so we got blankets for you and piled them on, leaving your hand free for Mel. When Brian got there, he asked what you had in mind for Mel's remains, and you told him you had to talk to Nicole first. Brian dressed him in the "If you can read this..." Harley shirt that Aaron had bought for him. Aaron seemed to like that. Brian told you that it would be best for you to step out while they prepared the body, that it might be hard for you to watch. You told him you would like to stay. Brian and an assistant very caringly loaded Mel onto the stretcher. They put his body in the bag, but did not cover his face. You gave him a kiss, then they wheeled him out.
The rest of the day was a stream of company. Hal had to go meet his family for lunch for his retirement, but Sharon refused to go and stayed with you. Your parents were there, which went smoothly except for the little fight over the trash bags. Obviously tensions were high. The Aragons came. Jacia couldn't get to Nicole quick enough. Nicole was brought home. I'm a little fuzzy on how the transfer happened, but I think Diego took Nicole somewhere with the kids while Kelly stayed with us...though I remember Diego being there too. I think Daniel was still with Tiffany, they went out to see Rick's horses. Chad Nagler came by and prayed with you. Hospice came and got the bed. You took a few phone calls.
After a while Nicole came home. She was feeling better and you were worried that she was "too" ok. Kids grieve differently. You decided to head to your mom's to spend the night. I followed with the Aragons. We stayed with you at your parents for a couple more hours. Butch came and got me around 7:00 I believe. I was hoping you would get some rest. The Aragons were still there when I left, not sure how long they stayed.
You talked a lot about Mel that day, and said often that he was the only person who loved you just because you were you, that you didn't have to "do" anything to earn his love. What a special, special man, and a special, special love you shared.]
After that all I can remember is being colder than I have ever been in my life. That lasted for about three weeks. I also remember not being able to keep my eyes open. I remember being in my dad's recliner at my parents house with blankets piled on me. I could hear people come and go, but it took every ounce of strength I had to open my eyes and keep them open. I remember my dad told my mom to watch me when I got up because I was still unsteady and I was in shock. I remember falling asleep in my mom's bed with the electric blanket on high and my mom's arms around me.
So today, February 20, 2012 I decided that the kids and I would do something to celebrate Mel's one year anniversary in heaven. We drove a lot of miles today and went to Palouse Falls. Our neighbors had told us how beautiful they were, and the internet said their beauty rivaled Niagra Falls. I told Nicole today that I knew her daddy was so proud of her, and what she has helped me through the past year. We have decided that every year we will do something fun to celebrate with Mel.
I had to pull over at one point because Daniel was carsick. Nicole got out to let Harley go potty. My friend Faye called to see how I was doing. While waiting for Nicole to get back in the car, I prayed for God to please send me a sign that Mel was near and that God was near. We went and looked at the falls, and they were absolutely beautiful. When we were leaving the falls, I had found a Christian station on the radio, and the first song they played when we started driving away was "I Can Only Imagine" by Mercy Me. Remember above where I told you to remember that Nicole was signing that song at church. When Tiffie told me what time Mel had taken his final breath, Nicole and the youth group was singing that very song, and Nicole, Megan and Tina sang it at Mel's memorial service. I told Nicole what I had prayed for and we both knew that was an answer to prayer.
We then drove to Ritzville to eat supper. When we were getting on the interstate to come home the same radio station played "Amazing Grace My Chains are Gone" by Chris Tomlin. Tina also sang this song at Mel's memorial service. Nicole and I were just in awe of God's work today.
I just want to finish today's post by thanking everyone who has helped us walk this journey over the last year. I never would have made it without any of you. I'm not going to try to list names, because I will most assuredly miss someone. I know that grief is so hard for people to know what to do to help you deal with it. My experience has been that you don't really have to say anything, listening is the most important thing. Hugging is good too, especially when I have been so overcome with tears, nothing can help like a hug. You can't really tell someone it is going to get better. I have learned it will never "be better". It will hopefully get easier, but it will never be better to me to have to live without Mel. I am so glad that we shared the love we had, and as hard as this past year has been and taking care of him when he was sick, if I had to choose I would do it all over again because his love was definitely worth it. I just want to leave you with the song Mel picked out for us to dance to at our wedding as our first dance.
Mel did love until is last breath. I believe his final gift to me was to be with the kids when he went because he knew it would be too hard with especially the kids there.
Sunday, February 19, 2012
Saturday Feb. 19, 2011 Renewed
Mel was so incredibly alert today that it was hard to believe that just the night before I had thought we were losing him. He was awake a great deal of the day. I gave him his medicines, talked to him, kept his pain under control. He was even making more urine. I massaged his arms and legs and exercised them. It was so nice for him to have his eyes open. He even seemed to be tracking me with his eyes. I stopped several times during the day to bend down and whisper to him that I loved him and wanted a kiss. He even puckered up and returned my kisses. I was so thrilled.
Andy and Corinne came by to tell me goodbye. They felt like Mel was doing so much better they could go ahead and go home. I was so thankful to have had them here. I felt stronger with people around me. Deanna came by and we decided since Mel was doing so well she would stay home with her family that night. She was going to come by in the morning and pick the kids up for church the next morning. I really didn't want to go leave Mel the next morning, but Nicole was singing with the youth group in church and it was Pastor Hal's final sermon before retiring. I knew that if Mel could speak he would tell me to go. We always tried to be there if the kids were doing anything, and over the past couple years of Mel being sick, we had only missed one time that Nicole sang in church.
I had asked Tiffany to come sit with Mel while I was gone. I knew she would make sure his pain button was pushed every 10 minutes to keep his pain out of control, and she had spent enough time with me taking care of Mel that she knew when he wanted a drink. I also knew if he woke up he would recognize Tiffie. I didn't want him to be scared.
I even slept in our bedroom that night. Mel was just so peaceful and really the best he had been for several days. He wasn't restless and didn't appear to be in pain. I got up several times to check on him and finally just finished the night on the couch. I wanted to be near him all the time.
This was another one of our favorite songs. It was the kind of love we both thought we would never have but found in each other. We knew how lucky we were to have each other and tried not to take each other for granted. We didn't have a perfect relationship by any means, but I think we definitely had a very good relationship built on trust, respect and love. I know that Mel never intentionally hurt me and I certainly tried my best to never intentionally hurt him. Mel never yelled and only rarely raised his voice. I was the one with the temper, but over the years God showed me how to temper my words with kindness and love and that you could communicate with not having a motive to win or deal the final blow with hurtful words. I had gotten to the point that when I did do this I was truly sorry and asked for forgiveness. I don't remember us ever being angry with each other for more than a few hours. I can honestly say that even if there was conflict between us, when one of us left or if it was time to go to bed, we still kissed and said "I love you". I have been blessed.
[Deanna's memories: On Saturday, Mel held his own. His urine output had increased a little. You were so faithful, Patty, never giving up on God's healing. You exercised his arms and legs that day. You told me that Mel had his eyes open during the day for quite a while, and even tried to talk to Diego. Saturday night I came over and Mel seemed to be doing so well that I didn't stay the night.]
Andy and Corinne came by to tell me goodbye. They felt like Mel was doing so much better they could go ahead and go home. I was so thankful to have had them here. I felt stronger with people around me. Deanna came by and we decided since Mel was doing so well she would stay home with her family that night. She was going to come by in the morning and pick the kids up for church the next morning. I really didn't want to go leave Mel the next morning, but Nicole was singing with the youth group in church and it was Pastor Hal's final sermon before retiring. I knew that if Mel could speak he would tell me to go. We always tried to be there if the kids were doing anything, and over the past couple years of Mel being sick, we had only missed one time that Nicole sang in church.
I had asked Tiffany to come sit with Mel while I was gone. I knew she would make sure his pain button was pushed every 10 minutes to keep his pain out of control, and she had spent enough time with me taking care of Mel that she knew when he wanted a drink. I also knew if he woke up he would recognize Tiffie. I didn't want him to be scared.
I even slept in our bedroom that night. Mel was just so peaceful and really the best he had been for several days. He wasn't restless and didn't appear to be in pain. I got up several times to check on him and finally just finished the night on the couch. I wanted to be near him all the time.
This was another one of our favorite songs. It was the kind of love we both thought we would never have but found in each other. We knew how lucky we were to have each other and tried not to take each other for granted. We didn't have a perfect relationship by any means, but I think we definitely had a very good relationship built on trust, respect and love. I know that Mel never intentionally hurt me and I certainly tried my best to never intentionally hurt him. Mel never yelled and only rarely raised his voice. I was the one with the temper, but over the years God showed me how to temper my words with kindness and love and that you could communicate with not having a motive to win or deal the final blow with hurtful words. I had gotten to the point that when I did do this I was truly sorry and asked for forgiveness. I don't remember us ever being angry with each other for more than a few hours. I can honestly say that even if there was conflict between us, when one of us left or if it was time to go to bed, we still kissed and said "I love you". I have been blessed.
[Deanna's memories: On Saturday, Mel held his own. His urine output had increased a little. You were so faithful, Patty, never giving up on God's healing. You exercised his arms and legs that day. You told me that Mel had his eyes open during the day for quite a while, and even tried to talk to Diego. Saturday night I came over and Mel seemed to be doing so well that I didn't stay the night.]
Saturday, February 18, 2012
February 18, 2011 The Rehearsal
Mel just stayed the course today, much like the last two days. We went about our business as usual. I gave him medicine and water with a syringe in his mouth and made sure to push the button for his pain pump every 10 minutes on the dot. He still wasn't talking. Aaron and Deanna came as usual. I visited with Deanna a bit and then I went to bed.
A short time later Deanna came and woke me up. She told me she thought the end was coming. I had been wondering what that would look like if it should happen. I ran down the stairs to Mel, Nicole was awake in the living room and Deanna began making calls. She called my parents house, our pastor and his wife and Aaron. I was next to Mel's bed in the recliner just begging him to stay. You see I guess I was a bit of a coward, I didn't want him to leave me, or maybe it was just selfishness of the flesh. Nicole climbed up on the bed with Mel.
Mom, dad, Andy, Corrine, Hal, Sharon and Aaron all got there. Nicole and I were both crying and sobbing and talking to Mel. Nicole kept telling him over and over, "daddy it's okay, daddy I love you, daddy you can go, you don't have to be here to buy me a Harley Davidson jacket like you promised". Then she looked at me and said "mommy maybe this is God's way of healing daddy, by taking him to heaven". I told her I knew, but I didn't want it to be. At some point she ran upstairs and got Daniel. I don't remember that, but Deanna did. I just kept touching him, calling to him, telling him I loved him. Nicole asked me if I would ever get married again. I told her no because I was still married to her daddy. At some point Mel's respirations improved and he seemed to level out and become stable. I'm sure we prayed. I was so scared. I later told him it was not okay for him to die, that he had to fight, that he had to live, that I could not bear a life without him. We prayed. We sang a hymn but I don't remember what it was, maybe Amazing Grace.
I remember after awhile Deanna felt very sheepish about calling everyone. I was glad that she had. She had asked her sister-in-law (who is a nurse) what the signs of impending death would look like, so she knew and she was right to do what she did. After awhile everyone left and it was just Mel, me, the kids and Deanna, back to our routine.
I remember praying the rest of the night, please Lord spare his life, don't take him from me, don't steal him away from us.
[Deanna's memories: As for the 18th, I had asked my sister in law what signs to look for when the end was near because I knew that was important to you. I sat with him for a couple hours after you went to bed. I think I even dozed off for awhile. I woke up and Mel's breathing had changed significantly. It was very rattly and he was "poofing" his lips- Leah told me that would happen when he would try to blow off a build-up of CO2. His breathing slowed way down. He was breathing about 6 times per minute when I came and got you. I remember thinking he was going...then Colie climbed up on him and he started getting better. I was so moved by her free expression to her Daddy, such innocence of a child. And how precious that she went and wrangled Daniel out of bed. He was scared because Mel couldn't talk and wanted to be with you. We called your family, Aaron, and Hal and Sharon. I've thought a lot about that night. I felt terrible for gathering everyone, and then he pulled through. In hindsight, I think it was a gift, especially to you and Nicole, to have that private time to say goodbye, even though he wasn't moving on quite yet. I've wondered a lot in the last year what would have happened if I hadn't come and gotten you. I don't know if we can choose our time, but I don't think he could bear to leave when you guys were with him. I guess I'm just thankful that Colie especially had that time to tell her Daddy her heart, and that you were able to say all you needed to say. I'm crying just thinking about when you and Colie both told Mel that he could go be with Jesus and how Colie said she would take care of everything here. ]
A short time later Deanna came and woke me up. She told me she thought the end was coming. I had been wondering what that would look like if it should happen. I ran down the stairs to Mel, Nicole was awake in the living room and Deanna began making calls. She called my parents house, our pastor and his wife and Aaron. I was next to Mel's bed in the recliner just begging him to stay. You see I guess I was a bit of a coward, I didn't want him to leave me, or maybe it was just selfishness of the flesh. Nicole climbed up on the bed with Mel.
Mom, dad, Andy, Corrine, Hal, Sharon and Aaron all got there. Nicole and I were both crying and sobbing and talking to Mel. Nicole kept telling him over and over, "daddy it's okay, daddy I love you, daddy you can go, you don't have to be here to buy me a Harley Davidson jacket like you promised". Then she looked at me and said "mommy maybe this is God's way of healing daddy, by taking him to heaven". I told her I knew, but I didn't want it to be. At some point she ran upstairs and got Daniel. I don't remember that, but Deanna did. I just kept touching him, calling to him, telling him I loved him. Nicole asked me if I would ever get married again. I told her no because I was still married to her daddy. At some point Mel's respirations improved and he seemed to level out and become stable. I'm sure we prayed. I was so scared. I later told him it was not okay for him to die, that he had to fight, that he had to live, that I could not bear a life without him. We prayed. We sang a hymn but I don't remember what it was, maybe Amazing Grace.
I remember after awhile Deanna felt very sheepish about calling everyone. I was glad that she had. She had asked her sister-in-law (who is a nurse) what the signs of impending death would look like, so she knew and she was right to do what she did. After awhile everyone left and it was just Mel, me, the kids and Deanna, back to our routine.
I remember praying the rest of the night, please Lord spare his life, don't take him from me, don't steal him away from us.
[Deanna's memories: As for the 18th, I had asked my sister in law what signs to look for when the end was near because I knew that was important to you. I sat with him for a couple hours after you went to bed. I think I even dozed off for awhile. I woke up and Mel's breathing had changed significantly. It was very rattly and he was "poofing" his lips- Leah told me that would happen when he would try to blow off a build-up of CO2. His breathing slowed way down. He was breathing about 6 times per minute when I came and got you. I remember thinking he was going...then Colie climbed up on him and he started getting better. I was so moved by her free expression to her Daddy, such innocence of a child. And how precious that she went and wrangled Daniel out of bed. He was scared because Mel couldn't talk and wanted to be with you. We called your family, Aaron, and Hal and Sharon. I've thought a lot about that night. I felt terrible for gathering everyone, and then he pulled through. In hindsight, I think it was a gift, especially to you and Nicole, to have that private time to say goodbye, even though he wasn't moving on quite yet. I've wondered a lot in the last year what would have happened if I hadn't come and gotten you. I don't know if we can choose our time, but I don't think he could bear to leave when you guys were with him. I guess I'm just thankful that Colie especially had that time to tell her Daddy her heart, and that you were able to say all you needed to say. I'm crying just thinking about when you and Colie both told Mel that he could go be with Jesus and how Colie said she would take care of everything here. ]
Mel and I loved this song. Even though we had always wished we had met earlier in our lives we knew that our finding each other was God's time, and that was why it worked so good. We knew that it was rare to have had as many chances we had had in life and that it took us each listening to God and it being God's plan not our own for us to be together.
Friday, February 17, 2012
Feb 16-17 and holding
Mel was pretty much the same the last couple days. I rearranged the living room so his bed would be in the sunshine in the afternoon and so he could look outside if he opened his eyes. His sister Debbie and her son came to visit. A hard thing for Deb.
My cousin's daughter, Tiffany, comes every day to help. Medicaid had been paying her to come eight hours a week to help me out, but she has gone above and beyond and comes every day. She is a bright spot in our day every day. The kids adore her. She will take them to the park to play or take them with her to go get groceries for me. She basically does anything I need her to do without batting an eye. I just love her so much and appreciate her kindness so much.
Mel still is not speaking. He won't drink now, but I am dissolving his antibiotics in water and using a syringe to get them in along with water. He will swallow but won't suck on a straw to get the fluids. So I try to get as much fluid as possible in this way. Today I found a sore on his foot. I was so upset that I hadn't seen it before. I decided I would start rubbing his legs and feet every day and exercise his arms and legs so that when he got stronger he wouldn't have such a hard time moving. I was determined to keep him as well as I could so when God healed him he wouldn't be so debilitated.
Hospice came to give him a bath today. I kept the hospital gown he had on before his bath. I kept it under my pillow, it smells like Mel. I used to do this when he was driving over-the-road. I still have the gown in a zip lock bag and open it now and then and smell it. I guess maybe that's kind of morbid, but it gives me comfort. I also have the last bandage he had on his arm from the last time he had blood drawn, the last parking stub we got parking at the hospital at Denver. I'm kind of scared to get rid of them. I know it probably sounds crazy, but sometimes it feels like those "things" are all I have left of him. I know that's not true, but I think when you lose someone you want to keep everything around to remember them. Mel had only been gone 10 weeks when I moved to Washington. I had to go through all this things very soon after his death, and I knew that with limited truck space to move with I couldn't take everything with me. I kept all his Harley Davidson t-shirts and jeans. My sister said she would help me make a quilt out of them for each of the kids. The only time Mel didn't wear a t-shirt was to go to church. Otherwise his usual wardrobe consisted of a Harley t-shirt and jeans.
When I sit with him, I talk to him, talk about the memories we have made together, the love we have shared, what the kids are doing. I just wish he would talk to me. Daniel is very upset that he is not talking. I just want to reach inside of him and tear out all the cancer and find his soul and bring it back out. I want to see him as healthy, vibrant and mostly I just want to hear his voice call me babe, honey or his favorite sugar britches. He called me that because I would turn beet red every time he did, and he would laugh his head off. I want to feel him hold my hand. I keep kissing him, and he will move his lips like he is trying to kiss me so that is what I believe.
I just know that we have so much more living to do together, we have our kids to raise together, we have so much loving left, doing things we never got the chance to do before. I just want God to heal him. I won't hear of anything else. I want to show God how strong my faith is. I want God to know how much I need Mel, that I don't think I can live without him, that I don't want my kids to have to live without him. I cannot every picture myself in my mind without him right next to me. One of my favorite things about Mel is that he always had his arm around me, was holding my hand or rubbing my neck and shoulders. I felt so safe with him. He had such big hands that when I made a fist his fingers would go all the way around my hand. This was my favorite way to hold hands with him, and it made me feel like nothing could hurt me, it felt like he was holding my heart. We never left the house or went to bed without kissing each other and saying I love you.
I continue to beg and plead with God, please let him live, please heal him, please don't make me have to lose him, please don't make my kids have to lose him, just PLEASE Lord. I thought how God couldn't possibly have meant for us to only have 13 years together, not when a lifetime wouldn't have been enough.
Remember – God the Father has the full power and full ability to accomplish anything that He will want to do. If He has the full, divine, supernatural power to create our entire world in 6 days – then I do not think He will have any problems in being able to fully heal you with whatever sickness or disease may have just struck your body.
My cousin's daughter, Tiffany, comes every day to help. Medicaid had been paying her to come eight hours a week to help me out, but she has gone above and beyond and comes every day. She is a bright spot in our day every day. The kids adore her. She will take them to the park to play or take them with her to go get groceries for me. She basically does anything I need her to do without batting an eye. I just love her so much and appreciate her kindness so much.
Mel still is not speaking. He won't drink now, but I am dissolving his antibiotics in water and using a syringe to get them in along with water. He will swallow but won't suck on a straw to get the fluids. So I try to get as much fluid as possible in this way. Today I found a sore on his foot. I was so upset that I hadn't seen it before. I decided I would start rubbing his legs and feet every day and exercise his arms and legs so that when he got stronger he wouldn't have such a hard time moving. I was determined to keep him as well as I could so when God healed him he wouldn't be so debilitated.
Hospice came to give him a bath today. I kept the hospital gown he had on before his bath. I kept it under my pillow, it smells like Mel. I used to do this when he was driving over-the-road. I still have the gown in a zip lock bag and open it now and then and smell it. I guess maybe that's kind of morbid, but it gives me comfort. I also have the last bandage he had on his arm from the last time he had blood drawn, the last parking stub we got parking at the hospital at Denver. I'm kind of scared to get rid of them. I know it probably sounds crazy, but sometimes it feels like those "things" are all I have left of him. I know that's not true, but I think when you lose someone you want to keep everything around to remember them. Mel had only been gone 10 weeks when I moved to Washington. I had to go through all this things very soon after his death, and I knew that with limited truck space to move with I couldn't take everything with me. I kept all his Harley Davidson t-shirts and jeans. My sister said she would help me make a quilt out of them for each of the kids. The only time Mel didn't wear a t-shirt was to go to church. Otherwise his usual wardrobe consisted of a Harley t-shirt and jeans.
When I sit with him, I talk to him, talk about the memories we have made together, the love we have shared, what the kids are doing. I just wish he would talk to me. Daniel is very upset that he is not talking. I just want to reach inside of him and tear out all the cancer and find his soul and bring it back out. I want to see him as healthy, vibrant and mostly I just want to hear his voice call me babe, honey or his favorite sugar britches. He called me that because I would turn beet red every time he did, and he would laugh his head off. I want to feel him hold my hand. I keep kissing him, and he will move his lips like he is trying to kiss me so that is what I believe.
I just know that we have so much more living to do together, we have our kids to raise together, we have so much loving left, doing things we never got the chance to do before. I just want God to heal him. I won't hear of anything else. I want to show God how strong my faith is. I want God to know how much I need Mel, that I don't think I can live without him, that I don't want my kids to have to live without him. I cannot every picture myself in my mind without him right next to me. One of my favorite things about Mel is that he always had his arm around me, was holding my hand or rubbing my neck and shoulders. I felt so safe with him. He had such big hands that when I made a fist his fingers would go all the way around my hand. This was my favorite way to hold hands with him, and it made me feel like nothing could hurt me, it felt like he was holding my heart. We never left the house or went to bed without kissing each other and saying I love you.
I continue to beg and plead with God, please let him live, please heal him, please don't make me have to lose him, please don't make my kids have to lose him, just PLEASE Lord. I thought how God couldn't possibly have meant for us to only have 13 years together, not when a lifetime wouldn't have been enough.
The second verse is telling you that if you cannot get any kind of a healing from a doctor, then God Himself can come to your rescue and fully heal you – no matter how bad and hopeless the situation may appear to you in the natural.
- “For with God nothing will be impossible.” (Luke 1:37)
- But He said, “The things which are impossible with men are possible with God.” (Luke 18:27)
- “Now to Him who is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that works in us.” (Ephesians 3:20)
Remember – God the Father has the full power and full ability to accomplish anything that He will want to do. If He has the full, divine, supernatural power to create our entire world in 6 days – then I do not think He will have any problems in being able to fully heal you with whatever sickness or disease may have just struck your body.
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