Friday, February 25, 2011 A Final Goodbye

This is the day we gathered at Mel's memorial service to honor his memory.  All week long I had told people I was going to speak at the service.  Some people commented that I would never be able to do it.  They didn't account for my determination to honor Mel's memory and to give a testimony of his life as a Christian and our lives as a Christian family.  Nicole and Aaron spoke first and then it was my turn.

Today we are here to remember my husband, Mel.  Mel and I met, some may say, by chance, but I believe God's hand was in our relationship from the beginning.  I had a neighbor who was very determined on marrying me off, and she did this by setting me up on many blind dates.  Finally I told her no more.  I've had enough, but Gloria wasn't done with me yet.  She and her husband rode motorcycles and had stopped in a bar one day where they met a supposedly very nice bartender.  She rushed home to tell me all about him and wanted to set us up on a date.  I told her absolutely not, but Gloria was not a quitter and finally convinced me to at least exchange phone numbers with this guy who turned out to be Mel.  After a few weeks of chatting on the phone, and man he could talk, my friend Ruth and I decided that unbeknownst to Mel we would casually drop in at his place of employment and have a refreshing beer on a hot afternoon.  There was only one other person there, and he soon left.  After about an hour I introduced myself to Mel.  He always said he knew right away who I was, but that's only because he liked to be the one pulling the prank on someone.

We both knew fair quickly that we had something special.  We had both had a few failed relationships in our past, and we just instinctively knew that we had something very different together, and I think it is because we became friends first.  We had only known each other a few months when Mel asked me to marry him, and of course I said yes.  I was on top of the world and more in love than I had ever been.  Mel was absolutely the kindest man I had ever met.  He was always very concerned about my feelings and was actually very romantic, which was a treat for me.

When we were married, Mel was the one who cried at our wedding, he cried when he found out we were having Nicole, he cried when Nicole was born, and he cried the first time he saw Daniel.  He cried when he became a grandfather. He looked big and tough guy, but he was just a teddy bear in disguise.  We had a wonderful life together and were truly blessed by the family we created together.  The most important thing to Mel was his family, and he was very proud of all of us.  The nicest compliment Mel ever paid me was after we had Nicole and he looked around and told me I love you both so much, I never thought this would be my life and I am so blessed.

The day we found out Mel had cancer, I told him our lives would never be the same again, and they weren't.  Mel vowed from the beginning that he would conquer cancer because he couldn't bear to leave his family and the love we shared.  At first his cancer responded very well to treatment but by the time they caught his cancer it was so aggressive that it spread very quickly.  Still Mel stayed strong and fought for us.  He always thought of the kids and me and wanted to stay with us.  The last time he was in the hospital, and they told us the end was near we just held each other and cried.  We knew we wanted him to be home, he was so desperately homesick for his family.  We also knew that as long as there was a breath in his body there was time for God to perform a miracle.  We both also knew that sometimes the miracle God has for healing is to take one of his children home, and that is what He did for Mel on Sunday, February 20, 2011 at approximately 10:40 a.m. while the kids and I were at church.  I think he knew it would be too hard for us to watch him go, and that was his final gift of love to us.

There are so many people I need to thank who have walked this journey with us.  First of all I want to thank our Lord and Savior that because of the shedding of his blood my children and I will spend eternity with Mel.   I want to thank my parents for their unwavering support both financially and emotionally. I want to thank my sister who has been so supportive, even while fighting her own battle with cancer.  I want to thank the Aragon family for their unwavering faith, their love, and for knowing probably better than anyone, what we have been going through, because they are going through many trials with Diego's health. I want to thank all the believers who stood shoulder to shoulder with us praying unceasingly for a miracle for our family.  I would like to thank everyone who has called, sent a card, stopped by for a visit or who just thought of us in some kind way.  A special thanks to Gary Davis, Mel's best friend, who called him nearly every day and brightened his life with his stories and the nonsense they shared together. My entire family has been awesome and has shown me how families get through things and that is by sticking together.  I want to thank the best friend God has ever blessed me with Deanna Nezvensky.  When Mel was first diagnosed with cancer, she promised me she would be there to get me through it, and she has.  In thanking her, I need to thank her family for the sacrifices they made so that she could be with me.  Several months ago, an angel came to our house to help us, Tiffany Reno.  She has been there through our joys and sorrows, she has occupied my children when things were overwhelming, and she has brought sunshine to us when there was darkness.  Most of all I want to thank her for being with my blessed husband when he took his last breath.  It comforts me to know that he was with someone he loved and who loved him.  Last, but most importantly of all I want to thank Mel for the best 14 years of my life and for having loved me just because of who I am not wanting me to ever change for anyone, not even him. When he would get really sick, he was always worried that he was a burden to me, but if I had it to do all over again, I would because it made me love him more. Until eternity my love.

Melvin Emerson
Birth:  Mar. 29, 1951 Death:  Feb. 20, 2011 Pueblo Pueblo County Colorado, USA Melvin Emerson passed away Feb. 20, 2011, following a courageous battle with cancer. He was born March 29, 1951. Mel was preceded in death by his parents, Wayne and Evelyn Brumit. He is survived by his wife, Patty; children, Nicole and Daniel; his son, Aaron (Tina); and granddaughters, Megan and Peyton; as well as his in-laws, Donald (Barbara) Tiffany; siblings, Debbie Catlett, Sharon Pender, Jim (Gayle) Simpson, Mark (Donna) Simpson, Marvin (Karen) Emerson, Michael (Marjorie) Emerson, Lois (Peter) Harp, Andy (Corinne) Tiffany; and his special friend, Gary Davis. Cremation was chosen with no viewing. A memorial service will be held at 2 p.m. Friday, Feb. 25, 2011, in the Broadway Christian Church, 206 Broadway Ave. Online condolences at DavisMortuary.com Pueblo Chieftain Wednesday February 23 2011	Added by: Vaughan Mavir

Feb 21, 2011 - Feb 24, 2011 Preparation

I had never imagined sitting in a mortuary or planning a memorial service for Mel.  I guess you just don't think about those things.  I had decided that I wanted Mel to be cremated.  Since we were moving, I didn't want to bury him and "leave him behind".  I know that what is left is just the flesh, but I just couldn't bury him and leave him in Colorado.  I brought his cremains (ashes) with us, waiting for God to help me decide where to "lay him to rest".

Sitting in the mortuary I almost felt like I was going to be very sick.  My heart was broken, I was freezing cold, and I could barely think.  I was glad my parents and Aaron was with me.  I wanted Aaron to help me say goodbye to his dad.  Mel also loved my parents so very much, I knew he would want them with me.

I remember signing the papers for them to cremate Mel.  I remember I just wanted to ask them to see Mel one more time, but I knew that would probably not be a good thing for me to do.  I only have one regret from the day Mel died.  I hope this doesn't sound morbid or freaky, but I wish I would have just laid in his bed with him and held him close to me one more time. I didn't do it because I didn't know how to ask, and I didn't know how the people there would react.  I encourage anyone who goes through this that whatever you want to do is "normal" for you.  Don't ever be held back like I was.  I also wish I would have asked to be alone with him.  I was just on auto pilot.  I didn't even remember where my kids were. 

Our fat cat Joey had been sleeping on Mel's feet the whole week he was home with hospice. He would get up and go potty or to eat and drink but would immediately come back to lay on Mel's feet.  When Mel died he sat on the floor in the kitchen and howled the most mournful howl.  That's how I felt.

I will never forget them taking Mel's body out the door.  There was a voice inside me just screaming NO, NO, NO.  I felt like a little kid.  I wanted to lay on the floor and kick and scream and flail my arms and scream NO, GOD WHERE ARE YOU, WHY IS THIS THE ANSWER!!  I was very angry with God and also felt like He had betrayed me when I had been drawn so close to Him over the previous years.

I stayed at my parents' house for a couple nights, but then I knew I had to go home.  I had to do it before I was too scared to ever go be in that house alone.  The first night back in the house, I looked out into the hall outside our bedroom door and saw a shadow. I called for Mel, then remembered he wasn't there.  The phone would ring and I would think "Oh that's Mel calling to let me know when he will be home".  The kids were sleeping with me.  I couldn't bear to be away from them.  I was scared of the dark and the memories that came when they fell asleep.  All the things that ran through my mind.  My life seemed to stretch out before me with endless miles of  "nothing".  How could it be that I would have to travel those miles without Mel. 

I had lived alone for many years before marrying Mel, but this was an absolutely horrifying aloneness that I had ever known when I lived alone.  It was so much worse after having loved and lived with Mel for 13 years.  Someone to talk to at night after the kids were asleep, someone to hold me and kiss me and love me.  I physically, literally, ached for him.  I was so cold inside.  I felt like my chest had been ripped open and my heart torn out and stomped on.  At night I would just angrily ask God what I had done to deserve losing Mel.  I know that's not how God works, but not on those first lonely nights.

I had to go through photos to pick out pictures for the slide show we wanted to do at the memorial service.  Aaron picked a song to be played with them and I picked one too.  We decided that Nicole, Aaron and I would all speak at the service.  I was so glad that Pastor Hal would be doing the service.  He knew us and had cared for us for so many years.

My family was starting to arrive.  My brother, his wife, and their youngest daughter, Lois and Pete, my uncle from Albuquerque, my cousin from Texas, my niece in Colorado Springs.  I dreaded the day they would all leave because that would make everything all the more "final" and more loneliness, too many goodbyes to say.  I just wanted to cling to everyone I loved, I never wanted to say another goodbye in my life.

I couldn't figure out how to fit a lifetime into one memorial service and a picture slide show.  I just knew I would do it and make it beautiful to honor Mel.

February 20, 2011 The Battle is Won

This is such a a hard day to remember, but it was even worse to go through.  I remember that morning getting the kids ready for church so that Deanna could pick Nicole up early to go rehearse the songs they were going to sing.  I got ready and then sat by Mel and just talked to him.  I told him I love him and we kissed.  Tiffie got there to stay with him, and I left to to go church.

There were a lot of people at church that day as it was Pastor Hal's final sermon.  I remember when I got there, I was sitting alone, and then Butch and Deanna came and sat with me.  The youth group sang.  Their final song was "I Can Only Imagine" by Mercy Me.  (Remember this for later in the post).

Nicole came and sat with me.  Pastor Hal had started his sermon.  Out of the corner of my eye I saw my dad and my cousin Cliff.  At first all I could think was how nice it was that dad had come to hear Colie sing, but that it was sad that he was late.  But then I saw the tears in his eyes and the look on Cliff's face.  Dad told me Mel was gone.  I was just instantly in shock.  I grabbed ahold of Nicole and got up to leave.  I remember people turning around to see what was happening.  When we got to the back of the church I started crying and say no, no, no.  I almost fell backwards, but dad was there to catch.  I remember Deanna running back and telling me she would get Daniel.  Some other people came to the back of the church too.  Cliff and dad were in Cliff's truck and got Nicole and me in his truck.  I remember calling Aaron to tell him that Mel was gone.

When we got to our house, my cousin Diana was outside with tearing streaming down her face.  I remember dad telling Cliff to go behind me on the stairs so if I fell.  I remember rushing in and Tiffie was just in tears and Rick was with her.  They were saying they had called hospice.  I ran to Mel and just started touching him, looking to see if it was true.  I put my hands under him and I remeber saying he was still warm and in my mind I thought well then he is alive, but when I looked again I knew it was true, he was really gone.  I remember Brian from the mortuary coming.  I had known him for years when I worked at the hospital.  He was shocked to see me.  I knew the kids were gone but didn't know where.  Deanna told me they were safe.  I remember thinking I will never feel his touch or hear his voice again in my life.  I have never been so utterly sad in my life.  I felt like a huge hole had been ripped in my body, and I was so cold. 

Brian wanted me to leave while they got Mel ready to go, but I told him I had to be with him.  They took his hospital gown off and I sent Aaron to get him a pair of sweat pants and a Harley t-shirt that Aaron had give him one year for Christmas.  I just kept thinking how do I do this, how do I plan all this, what will happen to us, how can I possibly live without him.  I remember kissing him one more time before Brian took him to the mortuary. 

My mind lost so much of that day and the days to come that I had to have people help me remember.

[Mom and Dad:  Dear Patty: It is difficult for me to write this. The memories are so close to the surface. I 'm trying my best to recall the day of Mel's death.  The first I knew about his death was when Cliff came over to tell us and picked Dad up to go to the church to get you and the kids. I got in the car and went to your house.When I got there Tiffie, Diana and Rick were there, I'm not sure if any one else was there. In 
about 15 minutes Dad got there with you and the kids.When I saw you and the kids , I felt like my heart had been torn apart. I loved you so much and there was nothing I could do to make it better. I do truly believe that Mel waited to die until you were gone with Sis and Bubby.

Dad and I talked about that day this morning.This is what he remembers: He said Cliff had called him and told him that Mel had died. Then Cliff came and picked dad up, went to church to get you. Dad said that in hindsight he should have waited at the church until the service was over to tell you.I think he felt like he disrupted church. Dad was concerned about you and the kids.   I know a lot of people were in and out all day bringing prayers, good wishes, and lots of good food. I especially remember Hal and miss Sharon.

You had so many wonderful and faithful friends that stood by your side.Tiffie an Deanna stand out in my mind. I know that I've rambled, my memory isn't as good as it should be, but I hope that in some way this will help you.If you have questions please ask.   Love Mom]

[Deanna:

I finally have a few free moments to write about the 20th. I got to church that morning and was looking all over for you. I somehow missed you in the front few rows, probably because church was mor full than normal for Hal's last sermon, so I sat down in the back to wait for you. Right as church was starting, I noticed you. I grabbed Butch and we got the seats next to you...how thankful I am that I was by you. I remember the worship being more upbeat than usual, and the kids singing "I Can Only Imagine." Then Hal started in on his sermon. I heard a little rustling next to you and saw your Dad. My heart just sank. You turned to me with eyes as big as saucers and said "Mel's gone." I started scrambling to get your stuff together as your Dad and Cliff walked you and Nicole out. You didn't start crying until you got to the back of the church, I think it took a minute for you to process what they were saying. Your Dad and Cliff helped you down the stairs. I found your keys and went and got Daniel. Cliff drove you, your dad, and Nicole home, while Daniel and I followed in your car. I remember thinking that I had no idea what I should say to Daniel, so I just tried to have a normal conversation with him. I didn't want to scare him, but all I could think about was how life was never going to be the same for any of you.
I got to your house right after you guys. Your mom was inside, and Diana was outside crying. I left Daniel with her and headed in. You and Nicole were hugging Mel, crying over him. Tiffany was telling you that he went very peacefully. She apologized for not calling you and said she didn't want you to drive. You put your arm around Mel and found that his back was still warm. You left your hand there for quite some time.
Colie was getting uncomfortable so she and Daniel left with Diana. I think Tiffany went with them too. A steady stream of people started coming in. Aaron, Sharon, Hal, Rick? (Diana's boyfriend). Your brother sent a text, apologizing for not being there. The hospice nurse got there and we tried to answer questions for you so you didn't have to think. He asked us to step into the kitchen while he removed Mel's tubes. While we were in the kitchen, Aaron told you how Mel was never as happy as when he met you and that you made him a better person. He said he was most thankful that you brought Mel into a relationship with Christ.
After the nurse was done, we went back into the living room to wait for Brian from Davis mortuary. You sat in your recliner next to Mel, holding his hand. You were freezing, probably from the shock, so we got blankets for you and piled them on, leaving your hand free for Mel. When Brian got there, he asked what you had in mind for Mel's remains, and you told him you had to talk to Nicole first. Brian dressed him in the "If you can read this..." Harley shirt that Aaron had bought for him. Aaron seemed to like that. Brian told you that it would be best for you to step out while they prepared the body, that it might be hard for you to watch. You told him you would like to stay. Brian and an assistant very caringly loaded Mel onto the stretcher. They put his body in the bag, but did not cover his face. You gave him a kiss, then they wheeled him out.
The rest of the day was a stream of company. Hal had to go meet his family for lunch for his retirement, but Sharon refused to go and stayed with you. Your parents were there, which went smoothly except for the little fight over the trash bags. Obviously tensions were high. The Aragons came. Jacia couldn't get to Nicole quick enough. Nicole was brought home. I'm a little fuzzy on how the transfer happened, but I think Diego took Nicole somewhere with the kids while Kelly stayed with us...though I remember Diego being there too. I think Daniel was still with Tiffany, they went out to see Rick's horses. Chad Nagler came by and prayed with you. Hospice came and got the bed. You took a few phone calls.
After a while Nicole came home. She was feeling better and you were worried that she was "too" ok. Kids grieve differently. You decided to head to your mom's to spend the night. I followed with the Aragons. We stayed with you at your parents for a couple more hours. Butch came and got me around 7:00 I believe. I was hoping you would get some rest. The Aragons were still there when I left, not sure how long they stayed.
You talked a lot about Mel that day, and said often that he was the only person who loved you just because you were you, that you didn't have to "do" anything to earn his love. What a special, special man, and a special, special love you shared.]

After that all I can remember is being colder than I have ever been in my life.  That lasted for about three weeks.  I also remember not being able to keep my eyes open.  I remember being in my dad's recliner at my parents house with blankets piled on me.  I could hear people come and go, but it took every ounce of strength I had to open my eyes and keep them open.  I remember my dad told my mom to watch me when I got up because I was still unsteady and I was in shock.  I remember falling asleep in my mom's bed with the electric blanket on high and my mom's arms around me. 

So today, February 20, 2012 I decided that the kids and I would do something to celebrate Mel's one year anniversary in heaven.  We drove a lot of miles today and went to Palouse Falls.  Our neighbors had told us how beautiful they were, and the internet said their beauty rivaled Niagra Falls.  I told Nicole today that I knew her daddy was so proud of her, and what she has helped me through the past year.  We have decided that every year we will do something fun to celebrate with Mel.







I had to pull over at one point because Daniel was carsick.  Nicole got out to let Harley go potty.  My friend Faye called to see how I was doing.  While waiting for Nicole to get back in the car, I prayed for God to please send me a sign that Mel was near and that God was near.  We went and looked at the falls, and they were absolutely beautiful.  When we were leaving the falls, I had found a Christian station on the radio, and the first song they played when we started driving away was "I Can Only Imagine" by Mercy Me.  Remember above where I told you to remember that Nicole was signing that song at church.  When Tiffie told me what time Mel had taken his final breath, Nicole and the youth group was singing that very song, and Nicole, Megan and Tina sang it at Mel's memorial service.  I told Nicole what I had prayed for and we both knew that was an answer to prayer.

We then drove to Ritzville to eat supper. When we were getting on the interstate to come home the same radio station played "Amazing Grace My Chains are Gone" by Chris Tomlin.  Tina also sang this song at Mel's memorial service.  Nicole and I were just in awe of God's work today.

I just want to finish today's post by thanking everyone who has helped us walk this journey over the last year.  I never would have made it without any of you.  I'm not going to try to list names, because I will most assuredly miss someone.  I know that grief is so hard for people to know what to do to help you deal with it.  My experience has been that you don't really have to say anything, listening is the most important thing.  Hugging is good too, especially when I have been so overcome with tears, nothing can help like a hug.  You can't really tell someone it is going to get better.  I have learned it will never "be better".  It will hopefully get easier, but it will never be better to me to have to live without Mel.  I am so glad that we shared the love we had, and as hard as this past year has been and taking care of him when he was sick, if I had to choose I would do it all over again because his love was definitely worth it.  I just want to leave you with the song Mel picked out for us to dance to at our wedding as our first dance.

Mel did love until is last breath.  I believe his final gift to me was to be with the kids when he went because he knew it would be too hard with especially the kids there.

Saturday Feb. 19, 2011 Renewed

Mel was so incredibly alert today that it was hard to believe that just the night before I had thought we were losing him.  He was awake a great deal of the day.  I gave him his medicines, talked to him, kept his pain under control.  He was even making more urine.  I massaged his arms and legs and exercised them.  It was so nice for him to have his eyes open.  He even seemed to be tracking me with his eyes.  I stopped several times during the day to bend down and whisper to him that I loved him and wanted a kiss.  He even puckered up and returned my kisses.  I was so thrilled.

Andy and Corinne came by to tell me goodbye.  They felt like Mel was doing so much better they could go ahead and go home.  I was so thankful to have had them here.  I felt stronger with people around me.  Deanna came by and we decided since Mel was doing so well she would stay home with her family that night.  She was going to come by in the morning and pick the kids up for church the next morning.  I really didn't want to go leave Mel the next morning, but Nicole was singing with the youth group in church and it was Pastor Hal's final sermon before retiring.  I knew that if Mel could speak he would tell me to go.  We always tried to be there if the kids were doing anything, and over the past couple years of Mel being sick, we had only missed one time that Nicole sang in church. 

I had asked Tiffany to come sit with Mel while I was gone.  I knew she would make sure his pain button was pushed every 10 minutes to keep his pain out of control, and she had spent enough time with me taking care of Mel that she knew when he wanted a drink.  I also knew if he woke up he would recognize Tiffie.  I didn't want him to be scared. 

I even slept in our bedroom that night.  Mel was just so peaceful and really the best he had been for several days.  He wasn't restless and didn't appear to be in pain.  I got up several times to check on him and finally just finished the night on the couch.  I wanted to be near him all the time.

This was another one of our favorite songs.  It was the kind of love we both thought we would never have but found in each other.  We knew how lucky we were to have each other and tried not to take each other for granted.  We didn't have a perfect relationship by any means, but I think we definitely had a very good relationship built on trust, respect and love.  I know that Mel never intentionally hurt me and I certainly tried my best to never intentionally hurt him.  Mel never yelled and only rarely raised his voice.  I was the one with the temper, but over the years God showed me how to temper my words with kindness and love and that you could communicate with not having a motive to win or deal the final blow with hurtful words.  I had gotten to the point that when I did do this I was truly sorry and asked for forgiveness.  I don't remember us ever being angry with each other for more than a few hours.  I can honestly say that even if there was conflict between us, when one of us left or if it was time to go to bed, we still kissed and said "I love you".  I have been blessed.

[Deanna's memories: On Saturday, Mel held his own. His urine output had increased a little. You were so faithful, Patty, never giving up on God's healing. You exercised his arms and legs that day. You told me that Mel had his eyes open during the day for quite a while, and even tried to talk to Diego. Saturday night I came over and Mel seemed to be doing so well that I didn't stay the night.]

February 18, 2011 The Rehearsal

Mel just stayed the course today, much like the last two days.  We went about our business as usual.  I gave him medicine and water with a syringe in his mouth and made sure to push the button for his pain pump every 10 minutes on the dot.  He still wasn't talking.  Aaron and Deanna came as usual.  I visited with Deanna a bit and then I went to bed.

A short time later Deanna came and woke me up.  She told me she thought the end was coming.  I had been wondering what that would look like if it should happen.  I ran down the stairs to Mel, Nicole was awake in the living room and Deanna began making calls.  She called my parents house, our pastor and his wife and Aaron.  I was next to Mel's bed in the recliner just begging him to stay.  You see I guess I was a bit of a coward, I didn't want him to leave me, or maybe it was just selfishness of the flesh.  Nicole climbed up on the bed with Mel.

Mom, dad, Andy, Corrine, Hal, Sharon and Aaron all got there.  Nicole and I were both crying and sobbing and talking to Mel.  Nicole kept telling him over and over, "daddy it's okay, daddy I love you, daddy you can go, you don't have to be here to buy me a Harley Davidson jacket like you promised". Then she looked at me and said "mommy maybe this is God's way of healing daddy, by taking him to heaven".  I told her I knew, but I didn't want it to be.  At some point she ran upstairs and got Daniel.  I don't remember that, but Deanna did.  I just kept touching  him, calling to him, telling him I loved him.  Nicole asked me if I would ever get married again.  I told her no because I was still married to her daddy.  At some point Mel's respirations improved and he seemed to level out and become stable.  I'm sure we prayed.  I was so scared.  I later told him it was not okay for him to die, that he had to fight, that he had to live, that I could not bear a life without him.  We prayed.  We sang a hymn but I don't remember what it was, maybe Amazing Grace.

I remember after awhile Deanna felt very sheepish about calling everyone.  I was glad that she had.  She had asked her sister-in-law (who is a nurse) what the signs of impending death would look like, so she knew and she was right to do what she did.  After awhile everyone left and it was just Mel, me, the kids and Deanna, back to our routine.

I remember praying the rest of the night, please Lord spare his life, don't take him from me, don't steal him away from us.

[Deanna's memories:  As for the 18th, I had asked my sister in law what signs to look for when the end was near because I knew that was important to you. I sat with him for a couple hours after you went to bed. I think I even dozed off for awhile. I woke up and Mel's breathing had changed significantly. It was very rattly and he was "poofing" his lips- Leah told me that would happen when he would try to blow off a build-up of CO2. His breathing slowed way down. He was breathing about 6 times per minute when I came and got you. I remember thinking he was going...then Colie climbed up on him and he started getting better. I was so moved by her free expression to her Daddy, such innocence of a child. And how precious that she went and wrangled Daniel out of bed. He was scared because Mel couldn't talk and wanted to be with you. We called your family, Aaron, and Hal and Sharon. I've thought a lot about that night. I felt terrible for gathering everyone, and then he pulled through. In hindsight, I think it was a gift, especially to you and Nicole, to have that private time to say goodbye, even though he wasn't moving on quite yet. I've wondered a lot in the last year what would have happened if I hadn't come and gotten you. I don't know if we can choose our time, but I don't think he could bear to leave when you guys were with him. I guess I'm just thankful that Colie especially had that time to tell her Daddy her heart, and that you were able to say all you needed to say. I'm crying just thinking about when you and Colie both told Mel that he could go be with Jesus and how Colie said she would take care of everything here. ]

Mel and I loved this song.  Even though we had always wished we had met earlier in our lives we knew that our finding each other was God's time, and that was why it worked so good.  We knew that it was rare to have had as many chances we had had in life and that it took us each listening to God and it being God's plan not our own for us to be together.

Feb 16-17 and holding

Mel was pretty much the same the last couple days.  I rearranged the living room so his bed would be in the sunshine in the afternoon and so he could look outside if he opened his eyes.  His sister Debbie and her son came to visit.  A hard thing for Deb.

My cousin's daughter, Tiffany, comes every day to help.  Medicaid had been paying her to come eight hours a week to help me out, but she has gone above and beyond and comes every day.  She is a bright spot in our day every day.  The kids adore her.  She will take them to the park to play or take them with her to go get groceries for me.  She basically does anything I need her to do without batting an eye.  I just love her so much and appreciate her kindness so much. 

Mel still is not speaking.  He won't drink now, but I am dissolving his antibiotics in water and using a syringe to get them in along with water.  He will swallow but won't suck on a straw to get the fluids.  So I try to get as much fluid as possible in this way.  Today I found a sore on his foot.  I was so upset that I hadn't seen it before.  I decided I would start rubbing his legs and feet every day and exercise his arms and legs so that when he got stronger he wouldn't have such a hard time moving.  I was determined to keep him as well as I could so when God healed him he wouldn't be so debilitated. 

Hospice came to give him a bath today.  I kept the hospital gown he had on before his bath.  I kept it under my pillow, it smells like Mel.  I used to do this when he was driving over-the-road.  I still have the gown in a zip lock bag and open it now and then and smell it.  I guess maybe that's kind of morbid, but it gives me comfort.  I also have the last bandage he had on his arm from the last time he had blood drawn, the last parking stub we got parking at the hospital at Denver.  I'm kind of scared to get rid of them.  I know it probably sounds crazy, but sometimes it feels like those "things" are all I have left of him. I know that's not true, but I think when you lose someone you want to keep everything around to remember them.  Mel had only been gone 10 weeks when I moved to Washington.  I had to go through all this things very soon after his death, and I knew that with limited truck space to move with I couldn't take everything with me.  I kept all his Harley Davidson t-shirts and jeans.  My sister said she would help me make a quilt out of them for each of the kids.  The only time Mel didn't wear a t-shirt was to go to church.  Otherwise his usual wardrobe consisted of a Harley t-shirt and jeans.

When I sit with him, I talk to him, talk about the memories we have made together, the love we have shared, what the kids are doing.  I just wish he would talk to me.  Daniel is very upset that he is not talking.  I just want to reach inside of him and tear out all the cancer and find his soul and bring it back out.  I want to see him as healthy, vibrant and mostly I just want to hear his voice call me babe, honey or his favorite sugar britches.  He called me that because I would turn beet red every time he did, and he would laugh his head off.  I want to feel him hold my hand.  I keep kissing him, and he will move his lips like he is trying to kiss me so that is what I believe.

I just know that we have so much more living to do together, we have our kids to raise together, we have so much loving left, doing things we never got the chance to do before.  I just want God to heal him.  I won't hear of anything else.  I want to show God how strong my faith is.  I want God to know how much I need Mel, that I don't think I can live without him, that I don't want my kids to have to live without him.  I cannot every picture myself in my mind without him right next to me.  One of my favorite things about Mel is that he always had his arm around me, was holding my hand or rubbing my neck and shoulders.  I felt so safe with him.  He had such big hands that when I made a fist his fingers would go all the way around my hand.  This was my favorite way to hold hands with him, and it made me feel like nothing could hurt me, it felt like he was holding my heart.  We never left the house or went to bed without kissing each other and saying I love you. 

I continue to beg and plead with God, please let him live, please heal him, please don't make me have to lose him, please don't make my kids have to lose him, just PLEASE Lord.  I thought how God couldn't possibly have meant for us to only have 13 years together, not when a lifetime wouldn't have been enough.

1. “For with God nothing will be impossible.” (Luke 1:37)
    
2. But He said, “The things which are impossible with men are possible with God.” (Luke 18:27)
    
3. “Now to Him who is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that works in us.” (Ephesians 3:20)

The second verse is telling you that if you cannot get any kind of a healing from a doctor, then God Himself can come to your rescue and fully heal you – no matter how bad and hopeless the situation may appear to you in the natural.
Remember – God the Father has the full power and full ability to accomplish anything that He will want to do. If He has the full, divine, supernatural power to create our entire world in 6 days – then I do not think He will have any problems in being able to fully heal you with whatever sickness or disease may have just struck your body.

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Today Mel is not talking.  He seems more lethargic, had a hard time getting him to open his eyes.  A man Mel used to work with called and came by.  He was very shocked to see Mel. 

Daniel is very upset.  He wonders why Mel won't talk to him.  He rides around the living room on his scooter.  He wears me out just watching him.  I had mom come and get the kids because the hospice counselor was coming to talk to me, and I didn't want them there for that.

I will also never forget the insensitivity of that woman.  I know 100% that it was me, that I was so insistent that Mel was going to be healed, that I would not hear of anything else.  I wanted everyone who came in our front door to be of a positive mind that God could still heal Mel.  She was about the only who wasn't.  She kept asking me what my plans were.  How she expected that I could answer that on that day is beyond me.  She noticed the for sale sign in our front yard.  She asked me what our plans were if the house sold.  I told her we were moving to Odessa, WA.  She looked at me like I was a total idiot.  She said do you really think Mel is going to be able to do that, and I told her that I was aware of the fact that Mel certainly could not travel in his current state, but when he was well he would be able to go with us.  She wanted to come back to see me.  I informed her if I needed to talk to her I would call her.

Prior to Mel getting this sick my parents and Mel and I had been looking at houses in Pueblo that would be affordable for us.  We had not been able to pay on our mortgage for a few months.  The weaker Mel got, and the more time we had to spend in Denver, the less I was able to work.  Prior to that I had done everything in my power to keep our mortgage paid on time.  We were so proud that through all our hardships of the previous four years with Mel having been laid off and working whatever he could after that and with him taking care of the kids more when he was home so that I could work more that we had been able to keep our house.  It was really difficult for us to decide we simply could not continue to pay our mortgage.  My sister approached my dad about us moving to Odessa.  I told my dad I would talk to Mel but we would not move unless mom and dad did, too.  So it was decided that is what we would all do.  With hindsight being 20/20, I know I never should have made that big of a decision when I did.

Aaron came by again in the evening to sit with Mel until Deanna came.  It gave me a chance to try to get some things done, and the kids and I really enjoyed having him there.  Deanna and I visited a while before I went to bed.  By now we had our routine down.  I would go to bed for a few hours, and she would get me up when Mel woke up or every few hours and if Mel wasn't awake she and I would talk. 

[Deanna's Memories:  I can't remember what night it was, possibly the 15th or 16th, but he woke up and was trying to ask me something. It was like he couldn't find the words. I tried giving him water but that wasn't what he needed. After that he fell in a deep sleep, and he wasn't able to talk anymore to anyone after that, at least to my knowledge. I remember you said you thought he might have had a stroke.
I remember pushing that pain pump to make sure he didn't hurt.
I remember Aaron stopping by and trying the best he could.
I remember Fat Joe climbing all over Mel, just wanting to be close to him, or perhaps wanting to be far away from your cat-hating BFF.
I remember Daniel putting about a thousand miles on the scooter through the living room, lol]

The Fat Joe she is referring to is our fat cat Joey.  once Mel came home he took up residence at the foot of Mel's bed.  Other than eating and going potty, that is where he stayed.  If I didn't let him upstairs, he would stand at the gate at the top of the stairs and cry the most mournful cry he could until I let him come up.  He would hop up and sleep at the bottom of Mel's bed until he other got hungry or had the call of nature.  Deanna does not like any kind of pets.  In fact at one time they had two dogs. she knew their names, but couldn't tell you which one went with which name.  Then she went through a phase of wanting a baby so bad they adopted a toy poodle.  Holly was quickly forgotten as Deanna's house filled up with babies.  Holly now has a new home, where hopefully they remember her name. (Sorry Dee but it's the truth, and I'm really not sorry because you would say the same thing)

"When we consider the blessings of God—the gifts that add beauty and joy to our lives, that enable us to keep going through stretches of boredom and even suffering—friendship is very near the top."
—Donald W. McCullough, Mastering Personal Growth

True and Lasting Friendship Can Occur Suddenly
1 Samuel 18:1–3
After David had finished talking with Saul, he met Jonathan, the king’s son. There was an immediate bond between them, for Jonathan loved David. From that day on Saul kept David with him and wouldn't let him return home. And Jonathan made a solemn pact with David, because he loved him as he loved himself.

I was certainly blessed with friends who kept near me through the worst kind of suffering.

Pastor Hal stopped by to pray for Mel.  Pastor Hal and his wife Sharon are two of the most awesome, beautiful people I have ever had the pleasure of knowing.  Mel and I were married by Hal, our children were dedicated to the Lord by Hal, Mel surprised me on our 10th anniversary by getting me to the church so that we could renew our vows.  It was so cool.  It was just Mel and I and Nicole, Pastor Hal and Sharon.  Hal made it extra special by including Nicole.  Hal also laid Mel's parents to rest when their time had come.  Mel and I both deeply respect Pastor Hal.  I know that he had a significant impact on Mel's walk with the Lord.  Mel loved to go to Thursday morning bible study that Pastor Hal led.  When he worked nights, he always wanted me to make sure he was up in time to get ready to go to bible study.  That was his "big" day out for the week.  Mel was such a gabber and there was a lady who attended, Marge Reynolds, and every week she baked treats for the bible study.  Every week (after several hours of being gone) Mel would return with tales of who had been there, what they had studied and just talked about, and most importantly what treat Marge had brought.  I used to think there was no way a bible study could last that long.  For women they usually don't because we usually have kids' schedules to contend with and being their for our husbands.  However, since moving to Odessa, I have been blessed to be part of a ladies bible study, and we usually meet for about 3 hours, and I love every minute of it.  They all have blessed me so much.

Proverbs 18:10
The name of the Lord is a strong fortress; the godly run to him and are safe. (NLT)
Isaiah 40:31
But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint. (KJV)
John 15:13
Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends. (NIV)

February 14, 1997 / February 14, 2011 My First and Last Valentine

When I was single I HATED Valentine's Day.  Everyone I worked with or was friends with always got candy, flowers, jewelry, etc., from their significant other.  February 14, 1997 was the first time in my 36 years that I had a boyfriend on Valentine's Day.  I have to say Mel outdid himself.  Flowers were delivered, of course at work so everyone could ooh and aah over them, chocolates after work and finally dinner at a restaurant.  I was so over the moon in love with this man who treated me so good.  I told Nicole this week that her daddy had been my first Valentine.  She said "mom I think that's kinda sad".  When I asked her why she said "what if I have to wait that long to have a Valentine".  I told her I was so thrilled that my first true love was my first Valentine, and sometimes you have to wait to get the best gifts God has to give you.  He was like a little boy up to mischief all that day, in short he was pretty pleased with himself and my reaction to it all.  Mel was very romantic (except for my first Mother's Day, but that story will have to wait).

November 14, 2011, was very different.  Just after midnight February 14, 2011, Mel woke up and asked Deanna to take him shopping to get me something for Valentine's Day.  About 1:00 a.m. I came down to the living room.  I can still remember Mel's face, his bright blue eyes and him telling me Happy Valentine's Day, I love you so much.  We visited for a while. I told him he was my Valentine forever.  After a while I went back to bed.  Little did I know that would be the last thing Mel ever said to me that I could understand.  After that he would try to talk a little bit but I couldn't understand him.

That morning my mom came over and took the kids shopping for me for Valentine's Day.  She took Nicole to Sonic to get Mel a cherry coke, which was his favorite, and he drank the whole thing. 

I was so confused that day when he would try to talk and I couldn't understand him.  I thought the one side of his mouth was a little droopy and wondered if he might have had a stroke, but he was still able to drink liquids, and when I would rouse him he would come fully awake and look at me.  I was scared.

Aaron came by and brought the kids stuff for Valentine's Day.  He made them feel special.  Mel had always made a big deal about Valentine's Day.  Nothing big, just a little box of candy or a card for all of us.

Today (February 14, 2012) Deanna and I were talking and she was remembering Mel asking her to take her shopping for me.  She wondered what I would have thought if I had come downstairs and Mel, his bed and Deanna were gone.  She thought she could have gotten his bed in Butch's truck and taken off up the street to Walgreen's.  She laughed and said I would probably have thought the rapture and come and I would be pretty upset about not being ruptured too.  I told her I would have been mad, but my one saving grace was that Nicole would have still been in the living room asleep on the cough, and I knew of anyone would have been raptured it would have been Nicole.  I told her she could have just pushed his bed since it was on wheels and at least coming back home she could have jumped on and ridden down that hill with him.  Talk about a bed race.  I think Mel must have laughed in heaven today hearing us talk about this.

I am so thankful to God that Mel was my first, last and only Valentine.  He gave me the best He had to give, and I will be eternally grateful for the love we shared.

1 Corinthians 13

 ¹ If I speak in the tongues^[a] of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. ² If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. ³ If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast,^[b] but do not have love, I gain nothing.
 ⁴ Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. ⁵ It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶ Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷ It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
 ⁸ Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. ⁹ For we know in part and we prophesy in part, ¹⁰ but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears. ¹¹ When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. ¹² For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.
 ¹³ And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

This scripture was read at our wedding, and the greatest gift of all really is LOVE.

[Deanna's Memories: I remember him asking me just after midnight on Valentines Day to take him to the store to get you a gift. What a thoughtful man.  Not that it's all about me...seriously! But I remember Mel telling Colie that he was so thankful that you had me and that I was the best friend he could ever want for you. (That sounds so narcissistic to say, I really don't mean it to be.)
I remember Mel was always in a good mood. He was thrilled by the simplest things. He could see a bright moon out the window one night and had Colie move the curtains so he could see it better. He found joy in each moment, none more so than when he looked at you, or held your hand]

Sunday Feb 13, 2011

Today was a good day.  Mel spent quite a bit of time sleeping, but he would wake up and talk to people when they came over.  Andy and Corinne came to say goodbye, they were going back home to Rifle.  The Aragon's came over after they got out of church.  We always had so much fun with them.  Mr. Aragon, Diego, and Mel had come be pretty good friends over the years of our kids being friends.  Diego was so sweet.  Just about everytime he came into town, he would stop to visit with Mel.  I know Mel considered him a true friend.  Our kids were pretty much going through a lot of the same things with their dads.  Diego has been very ill off and on over the years with numerous health problems.  I think they both connected on that level too.  I know that at times they both felt like they were a burden to their families, even though Kelly and her kids and I and our kids never feel that way. 

Mel's son Aaron and his family came by in the afternoon too.  While they were there Mel's pain pump ran out of pain medicine.  I was very upset because hospice had assured me that would not happen and the nurse would be there before it happened.  It turned out to be a fiasco because of course the nurse who had come out yesterday was off today, and the new nurse had a hard time figuring out how to get the medicine.  Poor Mel was in agony.  He had me call them over and over.  Everytime I talked to her she said I am on my way.  I don't know if she came from Denver or what, but it took that long for her to get there.  I was afraid to give Mel pain pills for fear that when the pump got started it would be too much medicine, but I finally had to give him a couple pain pills.  I couldn't stand to see him in pain.

Mel was always so glad to see Aaron.  They had a very special relationship, and Mel loved to see his girls.  Aaron works nights as a dispatcher for the Pueblo Police Department.  He would come sit with us in the evenings before he went to work and would usually leave when it was time for Deanna to come.  It was nice not to be alone all the time. 

All in all it had been a pretty good day.  I had been nervous about whether or not I could do everything for Mel that was required to take care of him, but I pulled it off.  I was able to help him go to the bathroom and keep him neat and tidy.  He always told me thanks and that he loved me.  He made it easy for me to love and care for him.

Ephesians 3:20 Now to Him who is able to do exceedingly, abundantly above all we could dare ask or think.
Isaiah 55: 11 The Word of God will not return void.

We were blessed with many friends and family who stepped up and blessed us abundantly and took such good care of us as we walked this path.  My parents were a great source of respite for me when the kids needed to get out, or if I needed to just get in the car and drive for 10-15 minutes just to get out of the house.  There were times I would drive and sit in an empty parking lot and just cry my heart out.  I didn't want to cry as much in front of Mel and the kids as I had to cry, and sometimes it was just good to be alone for a few minutes.

At the end of the day we had been blessed and loved abundantly by everyone who came to visit, lend a helping hand or a listening ear or a shoulder to cry on. 

Saturday, February 12, 2011 Mel comes home

On the morning of Feb 12, 2011, my brother and sister-in-law came to help me get the house ready to turn the living room into a hospital room.  Andy move the TV upstairs from the family room and hooked it up.  The homecare company hospice used came with a bed, air mattress, IV pole, portable toilet, a walker and a wheelchair.  The only thing missing was Mel.

The day before, when the hospital was making arrangements for him to come home in an ambulance, Mel was pretty disappointed they wouldn't bring him in a helicopter because he knew Daniel and Nicole would get a kick out of that.

When the ambulance got about 30 minutes from Pueblo, they called me so I could call hospice so the nurse could be there when Mel got there to change his pain pump and make sure it was full.  When the ambulance got there, the got Mel off the stretcher and into a chair with handles that they carried him up the stairs in and into the house to bed.  Oh it was so good to have him home.  The kids were so excited.  Nicole told him she would be his nurse and to just call if he needed anything.  She wanted him to have a bell, but I put the skids to that.  I told her it might make him too demanding :)  Mel was so glad to get home.  You could just see it in his face and his smile, and he was less confused than he had been the prior day.

When hospice got there, he was sleeping peacefully, exhausted from the trip.  I remember the hospice nurse going over paperwork with me and when he asked me if Mel would want CPR performed on him, it was so hard to answer and say "no".  The hardest question I had answered to this point, but I knew that if God healed him CPR wouldn't be necessary.

When Mel woke up, he sat up in a chair for quite a while and visited with us.  I was glad Andy was there, because we had to build a platform for the chair to go on so it would be easier to get Mel in and out of it. When he got restless or agitated he wanted up and down a lot just trying to get comfortable.  I started a log book to keep track of his medicine (he was on two antibiotics for his abdomen abscess), and how much urine he was making and how much was draining from the abscess.  I wanted to be sure to remember everything.  By this time of a week and a half in the hospital my brain was fried. 

Mel was insistent that he was going to go to church the next day.  He kept telling Andy that he had to get there and give his testimony.  I prayed that the flesh would be able.  By the evening time came though, I didn't think he would be able to go.  See I had forgotten about the 10 stairs leading to our front door.  If there hadn't been steps, I could have put him in the wheelchair easy enough and taken him to church with all his gear, but I knew I would never get him down the steps.

I was so tired, just so mentally exhausted.  I was so happy to be home in my bed and in my space.  Daniel slept upstairs with me.  Nicole made up her mind that she was going sleep on the couch next to her daddy.  She loved him so much, and he adored her.  They used to tease each other until I wanted to scream sometimes, but they sure shared a special kind of love with each other. 

Deanna had decided to stay nights with me.  She would stay home and have dinner and help her husband, Butch, get their kids to bed.  They had a 10-month-old baby, an 18-month-old baby and a 9-year-old.  I will never forget the kindness and care I got from Butch and Deanna.  Butch would stay with the kids at night and Deanna would get up early and go do their paper route.  Butch's mom and dad live right next door to them, and his mom, Mae, also came and helped out.  In addition to staying with me at night, Deanna brought us food every evening.  God has so blessed with good friends and family.  They made it possible for me to sleep and spend every minute of the day with Mel.  It had been so long since we had just been at home and shared each other's company.  I had tried to talk Deanna out of staying with me that first night, but I am so glad she insisted.  Mel was very restless at night and was up and down so many times I lost count.  Once we got Mel situated I would go upstairs and sleep for as long as Mel was happy where he was at, and then Deanna would come get me.  She was able to catch a few winks of sleep in the recliner.

When I started writing about this week of Mel being home, I asked Deanna for her memories.  There is so much I have forgotten about that week and for several weeks after Mel passed away.

{Deanna's memories:
...I remember how happy Mel was to be home. He looked pretty good that first night, sat in the recliner for quite a while.
I remember how bad he wanted to go to church that Sunday, and how you were hoping he would feel up to it.}
Mark 9:24  Lord I believe, help my unbelief.

Hebrews 11:6 Without faith it is impossible to please Him, for he who comes to God must BELIEVE that He is and that He is a rewarder of those who diligently seek Him.

I needed strength so much and belief in the healing power of God.  I had to be diligent.

Our "Black Friday" in the hospital

This was a horrible day for us.  Dr. Davis and Dr. Lam came in.  They told us that Mel's creatinine has continued to rise.  They will be in later with all the other doctors who have participated in Mel's care to have a meeting with us on deciding where to go from here.

They came back about 10:00 a.m.  There was Dr. Lam, Dr. Flaig (our regular oncologist who came from the office to be there), Dr. Davis the internist, the gastroenterology doctor, and doctor whose first name was Eamon (he was always very business like).  Dr. Lam and Dr. Davis were always very laid back when discussing things with us.  This discussion is etched in my memory for probably the rest of my life.

The really nice nurse came in with the doctors.  They told us that basically Mel was not getting better and was not going to get better.  They told us the best thing we could do was go home with hospice.  They told us Mel had only at least a few weeks to live.  If he happened to make it past that time, they would want us to come back, and they would reevaluate him for surgery.

I just could not hold back my tears.  My heart was dying inside.  I kept thinking my husband, my children, my family, my life, how could God possibly do this to us, how.  We had been so faithful, standing on God's word and God's promises believing with every fiber that God was going to heal Mel.  Every doctor in that room was in tears and so was the nurse.  Later she told us how much our love and commitment to each other and to God had inspired everyone who had worked with us.  She said that in all the time she had ever worked with Dr. Eamon she had never, ever seen him waver much less see him cry when talking to a patient and family members.  When the doctors left, the nurse stay and prayed with us.

Once again they got Mel situated so that I could be next to him as close as possible.  The social worker came in to start making arrangements to get hospice set up for us in Pueblo.  Mel told them he wanted to go home as soon as possible.  He kept telling them how much he wanted to be home with the kids and me.  He wanted me to drive him home, but the hospital wouldn't let us do that, he was so fragile at that point.

I started making phone calls.  By this time Deanna and our pastor's wife Sharon were already on their way to Denver with Nicole to visit.  I called my brother and sister-in-law, my parents, Mel's son Aaron, his friend Gary and my sister.  Pastor Hal drove up to see us and pray with us.  About an hour and a half after calling my brother, he called me to get directions to the hospital.  He was already on his way with Corinne.  I was so thankful.  I needed my "big" brother and Corinne had been such a rock for me and such a prayer warrior, I was glad she was coming too.

I just kept crying.  I kept telling Mel how much I loved him, how much I needed him.  I kept asking him "are you sure you are saved" (I knew all along he was).  I told him he had to be sure, I kept telling him say the words again, "tell Jesus right now you want him to come into your heart".  I told him I could not EVER bear the thought of spending eternity without him.  I could not imagine one day without him much less the rest of my life and then eternity too.  When Mel got sick we always prayed for him to be healed, but I used to tell God "if you can't heal him for me, please let the rapture come so we can all go home together". Now I just looked at him and cried.  This once strong, robust, energetic man whom I so adored and been ravaged by disease and infection.

About an hour after the doctors left, I turned to Mel and I told him "you know God is still in control, God can still heal you and spare your life so we can be together".  I knew God was bigger than any prognosis the doctors could give us.  Dr. Lam came back and prayed with me, and she said the same thing.  I knew that as long as Mel had a single breath left in his body, he had a chance to be healed.  Then I thought about Lazarus and how the Lord had raised him for the dead days after he had died.  I thought "wow if God is that powerful, just think what he could do for Mel".

When my brother, Andy, got there, the first thing he said was "God is not finished with Mel yet.  He can still heal Mel and He is still on the throne, the King of Kings".  I was so glad to have him there.  He just held me in his big strong arms.  I felt so little and alone.  I felt like I was in the wilderness that Job experienced.  I had said all along that these two years were the "Job" years of my life.  He told Mel and I that as long as we wanted to fight, as long as Mel wanted to fight, we would all pray by standing on God's promises to us.  The four of us prayed.

Deanna, Sharon and Nicole got there.  Mel told Nicole to get ready because he was coming home the next day.  She was so excited, but at the same time I think she knew something had happened. 

I went downstairs with Deanna to get a drink and just fell apart.  We stood in a little hallway filled with vending machines, and I just fell almost to the floor.  I felt like my world was ending.  She told me then "Patty I told you I would be beside you to get you through this from the day that we knew Mel had cancer, and I am still there for you, and I will do anything for you".  My awesome friend, one of God's biggest blessings in my life, and she loved us so much.

I started making phone calls again telling people that even though the doctors had said Mel only had a few weeks left that I would not let that be spoken in our home.  I wanted everyone to believe and pray with us for a miracle. I told them that doctors did not know the answers that only God could.

The hospital got all of the paperwork set up for Mel to leave the next day to have hospice care.  They arranged ambulance transport for him to get back to Pueblo.  Now we all had to leave to get back to Pueblo to make the arrangements.

On the way home Nicole rode with me.  She asked me "mommy is daddy going to die".  I told her "you know Nicole the doctors told us daddy is very sick and could die, but we all know that God can and does perform miracles every day, and we would continue to pray for a miracle".  I told her we would just love daddy and hold onto him tight for every minute we would have with him, that it would be so good to have him home so we could be together as a family again, and we would leave the rest to God. 

She looked so little.  When Mel was first diagnosed with cancer, Nicole had asked me if he was going to die.  I told her very firmly that he was not going to do die, that he was going to be ok.  That night while I was lying awake in the dark God very clearly told me that I had to tell her that it might be His will that Mel would not survive the cancer.  When I told her that only God knew how long daddy would be here, she very calmly told me "of course, only God knows what is going to happen".  She had been through so much and seen so much helping me take care of her daddy.  In ways she was very young, but in others she had become very wise while watching these two years of our lives unfold, but she always had faith, always.  I love her and Daniel so much.  I was (and still am) so scared of what this will do to them.  I think it is very sad that they will never be who they would have been if their daddy had not died.  I know this does not have to be a bad thing, that they can have the best lives ever, but it will never be what it would have been like if Mel had lived.  My life will never be the same without him, but I have been so blessed to have been loved by him and with him and creating a family with him.

I don't yet know why our family had to go through this tragedy, and I may never know until God brings me home.  I am terribly sad and lonely but eternally grateful to have had the kind of love and mutual respect that Mel and I had for each other.  His love changed me to be a better person, and he made me the best thing in the world, a mother.

II Corinthians 5:7 For we walk by faith, not by sight.  (I wish I had a seeing eye dog).

What does it mean to believe?

Believe . . . verb, action, to regard as true; to trust, to have faith, fully accept as truth; to take to grasp.  To believe is an act of our will.  It is how our faith is put to work.

Please Lord I prayed lying in my bed that night with both of my children at my side.  They "smelled and felt so good".

Thursday, February 11, 2011 Riding out the storm

When I finally got back to the hospital (luckily the roads had cleared), Mel was in a total state of agitation.  He was very confused and restless.  He was using his call light every few minutes.  I remember that it drove me crazy, and I was embarrassed that he was being so annoying to the staff. I know the night nurse was very annoyed with Mel.  I had called as soon as I woke up this morning, and she was so impatient sounding, and I thought "at least you get paid to put up with demanding patients." Wow, that sounds compassionate doesn't it.  It's things like that, that I kick myself over to this day.  My impatience, the angry tone of my voice at times, I just feel terrible that I had those moments, when his moments by now were being numbered.

His lab work is not improving any more.  His creatinine has climbed up to what it was when we first got to the hospital.  They had re-placed his drain in his abdomen.  That hurt when he moved, his catheter hurt when he moved, he was vomiting, so I knew that had to hurt too.  We were both so tired of being at the hospital.  That is a really hard thing to do, and it is just as hard for the loved ones as it is on the patient. 

Luckily once I got back, he finally settled down and was a bit more peaceful and fell asleep.  The day nurse (I swore I would never forget her name, but I have) was so sweet.  She told me he just kept asking about me over and over and wanted her to call me.  She kept telling him that I was on my way.  All he needed was someone familiar to sit with him and hold his hand.  We both had a good nap.

One thing I thought was so funny about Mel, is that whenever he got sick or something, he always thanked me for being there with him.  I was so surprised by that, thinking well where else would I be but with him, but he was always genuinely thankful and grateful.  When he had his heart attack in May 2009, in the ER I got to see him for a minute before they took him to the cath lab, and he kept saying over and over "I'm so sorry, we can't afford this, we can't afford this" (we had no health insurance).  I told him that the one thing I could not afford was to lose him.  After his procedure, I got to go into the ICU and spend some time with him.  The first thing he told was "honey, thank you for being here with me".  I think sometimes we were both surprised by our love and faithfulness and devotion to one another.  I guess when you have to wait as long as we did to find that genuine love and friendship you appreciate it a lot. 

I went to bed tonight feeling very low.  I knew that if his creatinine didn't go down we were going to be in trouble as far as them not doing surgery.  I just prayed and read and re-read the scriptures Deanna sent me on my phone.  I called the kids to tell them good night.  I miss them so much.  Mel keeps telling the doctors he has to get home and see his kids.  He loved them so much.

I still whispered please Lord, please let there be a miracle for us.

John 14:13 And whatever you ask in My name, that I will do, that the Father may be glorified in the Son.  If you ask anything in My name, I will do it.

Mark 9:23  Jesus said to him, "If you can believe, all things are possible to him who believes."

James 5:15-16 And the prayer of faith will save the sick, and the Lord will raise him up, and if he has committed sins, he will be forgiven.  Confess your trespasses to one another, and pray for one another, that you may be healed.

I knew there were many people praying for us.  This gave me comfort, but I still had fear.  To this day I wonder if it was because I lacked enough faith.  I was trying to do everything "right" to get God on my side to do what I wanted him to do, even though I knew whatever was done would be God's will.  This is still something I have to ask forgiveness for.  I am still not at the point where I can talk to God about this.  Someday . . .

One of our favorites picures of Daniel.  He was 9 months old

This was taken at the party after Daniel's Adoption

 

Do we have the cutest kids or what?

This is the judge talking to Nicole after granting Daniel's adoption.  She allowed Nicole to speak on the record about what Daniel meant to her.  When Nicole was done, the judge said she had no choice but to grant Daniel's adoption because he would have the best big sister ever

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Well we got more snow overnight.  The day shiftworkers are all saying how bad the roads are.  Aaron called and said he and Tina were coming up.  I waited  a while to see what would happen.  The doctor came and told us Mel's creatinine had gone up a bit this morning. Not what we wanted to hear. 

Mel is getting very crabby.  I understand why but there's nothing to be done about.  He keeps telling them that he is going to go home before he has surgery.  They keep telling him there is no way he can do that.  Then he wants me to make a plan of escape.  They are going to take him back to interventional radiology today to re-place the drain tube in his abdomen.

I have decided to go ahead and try to make it home.  The roads near the hospital were pretty clear by the time I left.  The highway leading to the interstate was clear except for a little slush.  I thought it would be a piece of cake.  Once I got on the interstate and just barely south of Denver, the roads were horrible.  I drove for a while, and then the check tire light came on in the car, so I pulled into a gas station to check the air in the tires.  It seemed to be fine, so I ventured back out on the interstate.  In Colorado I-25 runs north/south.  Just south of Denver there is a small town called Castle Rock.  Just south of Castle Rock there is a little town called Monument, which then leads to Colorado Springs and Pueblo was 35 miles south of Colorado Springs.  Monument hill is notoriously bad in snow storms, and it doesn't take much snow to turn it into a skating rink.  I was nervous because the farther south I went the worse the roads were and the worse the snow was, which is really weird for Colorado weather.  I decided to just keep going south, since it seemed to be a monumental task to try to get off the interstate and turn around.  I prayed all the way home.  I was relieved with Aaron called to say they had gotten there because I didn't want Mel to be alone.

I could not believe all the snow there was in Pueblo when I got home.  It was cute, my dad had made snowmen with the kids and they were so excited to show them to me.  It was so good to see them, hold them, breathe them in and to see my parents.  I took the kids and went home to check on everything.  I was so tired.  We all went to mine and Mel's room and laid in the bed with the TV on, and we all three fell asleep.  It felt to good to have the kids with me.  I had missed them so much.  They made me lay in the middle.  Daniel said I was the hot dog in the bun. 

I called the nurses when I got home, and they said Mel was noticeably agitated without me being there.  I felt so bad for leaving him, but I had to come see the kids, and I knew Aaron would be there.  So, I called Mel's room and talked to him.  He told me Aaron was there but to please hurry back.  I told him I would be there tomorrow.  I was not about to drive the interstate in the dark, and plus the sun was supposed come out in the morning, and I knew if I wanted until about 10 a.m. to leave the roads would be much better.

Deanna called me and wanted to take us to dinner.  Butch was bowling that night.  We took all the kids and went to Applebee's.  We were so proud that the kids were so good.  We had an 11-year-old, and 8-year-old, two 2-year-olds and a baby.  It was so good to see Deanna.

We went to bed as soon as we got home, probably 7:30 p.m. I was wiped out, but I set the alarm for 5:00 a.m. to call the hospital and check on Mel.  It was a new nurse, and she was very irritated with Mel.  I guess he had been very confused and agitated during the night, but I thought she was pretty cranky too.

I slept so well in my own bed and just holding my kids close and watching them sleep in their peacefulness.  At least they could rest peacefully.  I knew telling them goodbye in the morning would be no easy task.

I prayed Mel would somehow get some rest, but at least Bobby would be there first thing in the morning.

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

So the storm continues.  I don't think I am going to get home tomorrow.  Mel's son Aaron and his wife Tina are coming up to Denver tomorrow to be with Mel.  I had been hoping I would be able to make a quick trip to Pueblo and see the kids and get clean clothes.

Mel's creatinine is still lower than it was when we got here.  He had a CT scan of his abdomen done today.  It would have been better if he had been able to have contrast with it, but they won't give contrast when you have a high creatinine.  The CT scan shows that the drain they placed may not be in the best place, as there is still leakage from the colon into the abdomen.  They will probably have to re-place that drain tomorrow sometime. 

Sometimes Mel is very confused.  I know this can happen to all people who go to the hospital for an extended period of time.  Everything seems to stand still.  I can't believe it has only been a week since we left home. The kids are getting very emotional when I talk to them.  Mel sometimes can't even muster up the strength to talk to them.  I am getting scared.  I just feel like I need to be with my kids and see my parents.  I have not left the hospital since we got here last week.  The only thing I leave for is to go get a drink, something to eat, go to the chapel or to use the computer at the end of the hall.

There is an orderly who takes care of Mel almost every day.  His name is Bobby.  He is so awesome.  Mel uses his call light very frequently.  Bobby is never impatient with him, even if when he gets there Mel has forgotten what he wanted.  I apologized to Bobby, and he told me it was his pleasure to take of Mel and knew that Mel mostly just needed to know someone was there if he needed them.

Poor Mel.  He has great big skin lesions all over his trunk area and his neck.  A side effect from the chemotherapy.  They have started using some cream on them.  He tends to pick at them when he is confused from the pain medicine. 

Today our pastor, Hal Hartman, drove up from Pueblo to see us and pray with us.  He is such a kind man.  He really likes Mel, most people do.  Mel is a very social, likable person.  Sometimes people think I am rude or snooty because I tend to get shy in certain situations.  He only stayed about 20 minutes, but it was a refreshing 20 minutes.  It's good to see people we know and love. 

My brother and sister call every day.  My sister says I am her hero.  I don't feel like much of a hero.  I feel weak and defeated.  They are so supportive.  I should mention that in October 2008 my sister was diagnosed with breast cancer.  She had a double mastectomy and reconstructive surgery.  I told her she was the strong one.  I was so devastated when she was diagnosed.  It was unfathomable to me that I could potentially not have a sister.  We had shared a room during our growing up years.  I always looked up to her and admired her strength.  I adored her three girls, just as I adored my brother's daughters.  Until I had Nicole they were all "my girls".  I think I was a pretty awesome aunt.  I loved to spoil them.  I used to spend every vacation I had in Washington with Lois and Pete and the girls.  We always had so much fun.  I just could not imagine my beautiful sister ravaged by this disease.  Mel was working nights then, and I was still praying and crying when he came home.  When I told him about it, he cried.  He was so upset about it. Mel loved my family like they were his own.  The day Mel was diagnosed with cancer I excused myself to go to the bathroom.  I remember being curled up in a ball on this bathroom floor (very sanitary I know) and calling Lois and crying out to her.  She was always there for me. Not too awfully long after Lois was diagnosed with cancer, my dad was with prostate cancer and had undergone radical surgery and subsequent sepsis, which required additional time in the hospital.  I kept wondering how much more would be laid upon my family.  My sister and my dad both survived and are considered cancer-free, so how does God decide who will be healed and who will not be healed.  All along I knew that ultimate healing for anyone suffering with a deadly disease would be for God to call them home.  I could never bring myself to say that out loud, but I thought certainly God would never expect me to go through losing Mel.

So tomorrow I guess they will decide about when they are going to re-place that drain.  I am praying the snow will clear so I can see my babies and sleep in my own bed and refresh my mind a little bit.  This cancer business if very emotionally and physically draining until you feel like you have no more to give, but God always comes through to give you the strength from somewhere.

We pray again tonight for healing, rapid and complete.  I again go to bed begging God to save Mel for me.  I wonder if everyone in this situation is as selfish as I am.  Please Lord let it be what I long for most of all.  I don't want to be alone again.  I was so lonely until Mel came into my life at age 36.  I had given up on me ever getting married, of anyone ever loving me the way Mel did.  He loved me so much, all I had to do was look in his eyes and I knew.  I loved him just as much.  It was a love of surprise for me.  I guess I never really thought I would be worthy of that kind of love, but just as I was ready to give up, along came Mel and I am sure he was sent by God.

When Jesus saw their faith, he said to the paralytic, "son your sins are forgiven you." I say to you, arise, take up your bed, and go to your house.  Immediately he arose, took up the bed, and went out in the presence of them all, so that all were amazed and glorified God, saying "We never saw anything like this"!
Mark 2:1-12

Does Jesus see our faith, is it strong enough, will it be enough to spare Mel's life.  When I went to bed I cried most of the night curled in the corner of my little cot in the corner of Mel's hospital room.  "God do you know how much I need him, how much I love him, how much his children need him". Please Lord let it be so.